That Autumn

First Date

Seoul, fall 2008.

"What's your plan for today?" She asked me.

Shin Ah was washing the dirty dishes left over from breakfast in the kitchen while I was still sitting in the dining room drinking warm lemon juice made by Shin Ah. Jae Hoon had already left while we were still having breakfast. That man seemed in a hurry even though he took the time to chat with us for a while. According to Shin Ah, his brother is always like that.

I also want to have a brother like Shin Ah’s. It doesn't have to be a brother, a sister isn't a problem either. Being the only child sometimes makes me feel lonely. No one helped me when I had problems, no one fought with me, no one complained to my dad about my bad attitude. It's just dad and Harry. Dad is different because he is my parent and Harry, he can't help me because he only barks, I can't fight with him or I'll be bitten, and how does the dog complain to dad?

Back then, when I was in elementary school, I once asked my dad to remarry. At least I can have a little sister if he remarries. I will also have a mother. But dad really sucks. When talking about women, he is geeky and cowardly. I don't know how my mom ended up marrying him. Maybe mom kidn*pped him and forced him into marriage.

Mom, I have no memories of her. I was very young when she left me and dad. I only recognized her face from the photo that dad kept. Maybe that's the reason dad doesn't want to remarry. Because he still loves mom. Me too. Even though I don't remember her, I can love and miss her just from hearing my dad's stories about her. I wish I could meet her. But it's impossible, right? She's gone forever.

"I don’t have any idea." I'm a little late answering Shin Ah's question because it took me more time to understand the meaning of her question. "Normally, dad and I would watch television or do some grocery shopping. But today dad will probably sleep until the afternoon because yesterday he had night shift duty."

"Then.." Shin Ah dried her hands after he finished washing the cutlery, then returned to join me. "How about we go to Hongdae?"

"Hongdae?" I don't know what she said about it. Is it a place name or a Korean way of saying something? She said it sounded foreign.

"You know.. Ehmm.." Suddenly her face became red. "We've never been on a date."

"Date?" I think my face is red too. She had discussed it last night. It's just that I haven't had time to give an answer because Jae Hoon came.

Shin Ah nodded. "Do you want to go?"

"Sure." I answered with a shy smile. Actually, I've been waiting for when she will ask me back because I really look forward to going out with her. Since arriving in Seoul, I haven't gone anywhere. I mean apart from home, school and the supermarket. Besides, I don't have any friends. Who will invite me?

Shin Ah has been my first friend since I was in Korea. The second is, of course, Na Ra and Da Mi. And who would have thought that first friend turned into a girlfriend in no time? You could say I was a little desperate to accept her as my girlfriend even though I didn't know what Shin Ah was like. But I am a brave girl. I even put Harry in the house. What's more daring than that?

Harry wasn't really that terrible. Dad's more terrible. Not for me but for my friends back in Los Angeles. I used to play with them at home, but one day, dad came home from work and found us playing in the backyard. I don't know what dad did to them. But all my friends ran out of the house after dad sat down to join them.

Back to Shin Ah. I don't really know her yet. I just know she's beautiful, sweet, and smart. She is also very good with me. She even often makes fun of my accent, which she finds strange. It's not a joke that hurts my heart. She even made fun of herself after that. Maybe I'm just too slow to judge. Not like Na Ra or Da Mi. For me.. Shin Ah is a little more complicated. It was as if there was a big secret hidden behind her little body.

But.. It's only been two days, right? Isn't it too soon to judge?

"Which one do you like?" Shin Ah asked. "I'll buy it for you."

We were standing in front of an outlet by the roadside selling all kinds of knick-knacks. It looks like it's homemade stuff. Some have a rather sinister shape. I prefer something cute and pink.

"How about this?" Shin Ah picks up a ring decorated with a head skull. Just looking at it made me shudder. It is especially touching.

"No, thank you!" I moved backwards to avoid seeing that horrible thing.

Realizing that I was scared, Shin Ah laughed and then she thrust the ring in my face instead. "Are you scared?"

"No!" I gently pushed her hand away.

"How about this?" She offered something else. I just glanced at it and was immediately shocked and screamed hysterically. Shin Ah laughed again and put the artificial spider in its place. I don't understand what the purpose of people making such things is. For a joke?

"Not funny!" I murmur.

"Sorry.." Seeing my disapproving expression, Shin Ah stopped laughing. Maybe it was fun for her to surprise me with that. But I didn't feel happy at all. Then she took out a black knitted wool hat with something written on the front. Maybe it's Chinese characters. "I'll just buy this. For Oppa."

Ck, didn't she just ask me to pick something so she could buy it for me?

"Don't frown like that Anna-ya!" Shin Ah paid for the hat afterwards. Then her attention was distracted by something far behind me. "Eoh! Cotton candy! Buy it for me Anna-ya!"

Why should I buy it? She pissed me off. Moreover, she was the first to promise to buy me something. And.. What with cotton candy? So childish.

I turned to see what she was pointing at, like a little kid. A few meters from where we were, we saw a man selling cotton candy. The color is pink. Looks delicious.

"You want it?" I offered her. My eyes lit up at the pink color. Suddenly my anger at Shin Ah disappeared. I want some cotton candy too. "Let’s go!"

I pulled her. A bit of a drag to rush to the cotton candy store. I bought two. One is white for Shin Ah, and the pink one is for me.

"So you like sweet things," Shin Ah said while eating her cotton candy happily.

We were sitting on long wooden benches that were provided along the sidewalk for visitors to rest. This place is so crowded. Just like the market. And it does look like a market. So many street vendors. Maybe because it's the weekend. Most of those who came were young people and most seemed to come from universities.

"You like cotton candy.. And you like me." Shin Ah continued confidently.

"I think I need to correct two things." I laughed at Shin Ah's words just now. "Firstly! I don't really like cotton candy. I'm only attracted to pink. And secondly, when did I ever say I liked you?"

"Really? You never said you liked me?" Shin Ah thought with a stupid face. Let me guess. She forgot about it. "Then what if Lee Shin Ah wears pink clothes? Would you like it?"

"That would be very interesting." I only thought about it after she said it. And now I was dying to see her wearing something pink from head to toe.

"But I don't want to look like a pig." Shin Ah returned to eating her cotton candy nonchalantly.

"YA!" I pinched her arm hard. I didn't mean to hurt her. I'm just too excited for today.

" It hurts!" Shin Ah rubbed her arm with a sullen face.

"That's why you don't have pink clothes in your closet?" I didn't care about her protesting. It's just a pinch. Not a big problem. "I'm having a hard time finding something decent to use."

"You don't think this is worth it?" She tugged at her t-shirt that I was wearing. "Aigoo..."

I nodded with a smile. "I feel like a hobo because it's not pink."

"Hobo?" She snorted.

"I'm just kidding." I handed her my cotton candy because I saw hers had run out. "It’s for you."

"Thank you.." She took it without any thought. Suddenly, her face brightened. "After this I'll treat you to lunch."

Look at her! How adorable. Like a tiny little girl. The cotton candy was too sweet for me. Was she okay eating all that alone?

"Oh!" She put on a surprised face after eating the cotton candy I just gave her. "I think I'm starting to turn pink! How's this?"

"You're starting to look like a pig." I reversed the words. She didn't turn pink. She's just exaggerating. "What else can we do?"

"It can't be helped? You'll like me even more." She continued to eat it. "By the way, apart from pink, what else do you like?"

"Shouldn't it be my turn to ask?"

"We even have your turn and mine?"

"Of course!"

"Well then. What do you want to ask?"

"What do you like?"

"You!" She answered quickly without needing to think about it.

"YA!" I gently pushed her shoulder. While my face turned red because of her blunt confession. "You know that's not what I meant."

"No?" She shook her head with an innocent face. "I do not know what you mean."

"I mean... I haven't known you that long. I just wanted to know what you like, and what you don't like," I explained.

"What I like is you. And what I don't like is Da Mi." She still answered non-seriously.

"I'm seriouss!"

"Me too." She laughed. "Because you seemed angry when Da Mi hugged me."

"I.." I felt embarrassed about being caught red-handed. "I am not angry."

"Don't worry too much about it. Da Mi is always like that." Shin Ah sounded like she was comforting me. "Not only Da Mi. Aren't girls just like that? Hugs when you're sad, kisses when you're happy, and hold hands when you're walking. After all, Da Mi isn't interested in girls. You don't have to worry."

I know it. It's just.. Regardless of Da Mi or not, whether that person has an interest in Shin Ah or just doesn't care, it doesn't matter to me. The problem is seeing Shin Ah being touched by someone else. I do not like it. "When did I say that? I'm not worried."

"But I'm worried." She looked straight ahead, took a deep breath, then looked at me. "Even though I know Da Mi well, I'm afraid she will take you away from me. Da Mi is tall and beautiful. She even comes from a prominent family. You might like her more."

What's this? Is she jealous? Very funny. Da Mi only hugged me once and her twice. I don't even know Da Mi has hugged her how many times before. Shouldn't I be the one to be jealous?

"So things like that will never happen again .." She looked doubtful for a moment. "Do you mind if we tell them about our relationship?"

"Are you crazy!" Telling other people about our relationship is tantamount to suicide. I don't want to be ostracized. I don't want dad to find out about my abnormality and be sad about it.

"Crazy?" Shin Ah laughed, but not out of joy. Instead, her expression changed to that of disappointment. "With me.. Is it so embarrassing for you?"

Shy? Not only afraid, but also ashamed? Really? After all, I'm just a teenage girl. I don't have enough courage to face such a thing. I realized something was wrong with me and, so far, deciding to start with Shin Ah was the limit of my courage. If it's not having the courage that Shin Ah is referring to with shame, then she's right. I think I do feel ashamed.

"Okay, I understand." Not getting an answer from me, she stood up then held out her hand to me. But her face was not as bright as before. "There's a pretty famous koppi shoppeu just down the road. Do you want to go there?"

"Coffee shop." I corrected her while laughing, trying to get her mood back. But it seems to fail. "Sure."

Shin Ah was mostly silent when we were at the cafe. The place was indeed busy because, like Shin Ah said before, the cafe was quite famous. We took a seat near the large glass window on the second floor facing the street so that from where we were we could clearly see the crowds in Hongdae.

A waiter came to take our order. The man continued to stare at Shin Ah while the girl flipped through the menu. I was a little embarrassed by it. Plus, he was still young and his appearance wasn't too bad.

"Sorry." The man spoke, trying to get Shin Ah's attention. "I have a feeling you look a lot like someone I know."

Ck, stale! Stale approach.

"Lee Jae Hoon?" Shin Ah said unconcernedly, as if it had always happened. "A lot of people say so."

"Does Jae Hoon have other siblings?" The man pulled out one of the empty chairs and sat there. "As far as I know, Jae Hoon only has a younger brother."

Shin Ah looks at the man in confusion while the person ignores my presence.

"Eoh, sorry if you confused me." The man held out his hand to Shin Ah and Shin Ah shook it hesitantly. "I'm Do Hwan, Ahn Do Jin's second child. Maybe you weren't born when my family and I lived in your house before we moved to Seoul. When I was in Jeonju, my house caught fire. Luckily, your family wanted to accommodate us. Coincidentally, now I'm on the same campus as Jae Hoon but with different majors."

"Aah... Do Hyuk Oppa's brother?" It turns out that Shin Ah remembers that person.

"You know my brother?" The man named Do Hwan put on a confused face. "I was seriously injured by the fire and spent most of my time in the room. Even so, I remember Jae Hoon and his brother. But I don't remember you."

Shin Ah laughed. "I'm Jae Hoon Oppa's only sibling."

"But.." Do Hwan is paying more attention to Shin Ah. "I remember Jae Hoon has a younger brother."

"Is that so?" Shin Ah turned her gaze out the window. Look at the crowd down there. "It's been a long time. Sometimes, human memory can be deceiving. After all.." Shin Ah looked back at Do Hwan. "Oppa was sick at the time. We never even played together."

"That is true!" Do Hwan hits the table lightly then stands up. "I'll treat you and your friend today. Tell me what you want."

"Would you like to order something?" Shin Ah asked me.

"Bubble tea," I answered.

"Then we'll order two bubble teas." Shin Ah returns the menu to Do Hwan when the man takes our order.

"You must have been such a tomboy girl before that people thought you were a boy." I said after Do Hwan left.

Shin Ah just responded with a wry smile. She then turned to look back at Hongdae.

"Hey.." I pushed her feet slowly with the toes of my shoes. "Are you still angry about those things?"

"I am not angry." Shin Ah talks to me but she keeps staring out the window. "To be precise, I can't be angry. Even if Da Mi hugs you or.. Na Ra holds your hand, I can't be angry because to you I'm nothing."

"Ya!" I wanted to hold her hand. But I backed off when I realized there were so many people in that place. With almost a whisper, I continued my sentence. "I never said that."

"Right." Shin Ah nodded while still refusing to look at me. "You never said that."

Indeed, she said she was not angry. But she was still annoyed. What should I do to make her mood better? This was our first date. I don't want to spoil it just because Shin Ah's in a bad mood. Even though it's not entirely my fault, I still want to fix it.

"Shin Ah-ya!" Once again, I pushed her foot with the toe of my shoe to get her attention. "Just Da Mi and Na Ra. How?"

"Eh?" She looked at me. I managed to get her attention. She just doesn't understand what I mean.

"I give up." Indeed, I do not have enough courage to announce to the world who I really am. But if it's just Na Ra and Da Mi, maybe I can hold it in for a bit. They are Shin Ah's best friends. If Shin Ah believes in them, maybe I can give it a try. "If you want to tell them about us, fine. But only Da Mi and Na Ra."

Shin Ah started to smile. "I don't have anything else either."

"But.. I need some time." If possible, I would like to delay it as long as possible. What's important now is that Shin Ah isn't upset anymore. "It's only been two days."

"You are right." Thankfully, she didn't mind it anymore. Now she just put on a naughty face. "I might find one prettier than you next week."

"Ya! Lee Shin Ah!" I kicked her leg again. This time was stronger. Unfortunately, she was faster and avoided it.

"I'm just kidding." She laughed then stuck out her tongue to mock me. "After all, the only person prettier than you is me. I can't possibly date myself."

"Ck, you're too confident." Look who was feeling threatened by Da Mi.

"You don't think I'm beautiful?" Shin Ah snorted, pretending to be annoyed. It didn't look real because she was half smiling. "Woaah.. You must have a problem with your eyesight. No wonder you didn't notice my existence even though I was very famous at school."

"Ha!" I laughed out loud. It seems right. She's too confident. That's when our order arrived. Not delivered by Do Hwan but other workers. "I'm too busy studying to have time to glance at the girls."

"So now you're not busy anymore?"

"Aren't you here to help me?" I stirred my drink without drinking it.

"I'd be happy if I could help." Shin Ah said. "By the way, have you adjusted to school yet?"

I shook my head. "It was really difficult."

"Really?"

"I do not know." I looked down sadly, remembering how difficult it was to study in Korea. Sure, I wasn't among the smartest students when I was in Los Angeles, but I wasn't stupid either. "At first I was surprised by the tight study hours. Maybe I can't adjust to it."

"Oh, I see," Shin Ah nodded thoughtfully. "Then you should stay every day at my place. Maybe I can teach you."

"You.." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Just making excuses, right?"

"What does it look like?" Shin Ah laughed and took a sip of her drink. "Would you like me to give you some advice?"

"What's that?"

"This!" She touched my forehead lightly. "You need to rest in here too. If you're only thinking about studying, when are you going to think about me?"

"Ck, actually I can't concentrate on studying because I'm thinking about you." My mumble is very low.

"Did you just swear?"

I shook my head. "I just complimented you."

"What's that?" Shin Ah put her elbows on the table to come closer. "I want to hear it."

"I don't want to say."

The rest of the day ended quite happily. Shin Ah wasn't in a bad mood anymore. We had a very long chat in the cafe, then had a slightly late lunch. After that, Shin Ah took me to watch a street music show not far from there. Shin Ah said that it was indie music. I like. Especially since Shin Ah was standing right next to me.

Towards nightfall, Shin Ah took me home. I didn't refuse because I could have spent a little more time with her. On the way, we passed a park. There were several teenage couples sitting around spending time. Some of the older teens even make out in the dark. Shin Ah closed her eyes as we passed them. Isn't she so cute? Don't tell me she's never seen anything like that.

We arrived home at exactly seven o'clock in the evening. I forgot that dad was home tonight. What if he sees Shin Ah and gets suspicious? Or.. What if Shin Ah sees dad and gets scared? I realized it too late and couldn't dodge anymore. We were right at my doorstep.

Dad opened the door. "Anna!"

"Hey dad!" I raised my hand awkwardly. "I'm home."

"Eoh! You brought a friend!" Late! Dad has seen Shin Ah.

"Annyeonghaseo." Shin Ah bowed in greeting. A drop of cold sweat dripped down her forehead. I knew she was scared even though dad hadn't done anything to her. Maybe it's because of dad's appearance. Like marines in general, he is tall and has a fierce face.

"Have you had dinner, kid?" Dad asked Shin Ah, to which Shin Ah immediately responded with one step back. "Come in! We can have dinner together."

"She has to come home dad!" I interrupted. I can't let Shin Ah face dad during dinner when I know she's scared. "It's late and we have school tomorrow."

"Okay!" Dad rubbed his chin while watching Shin Ah and I alternately.

After bowing to dad, Shin Ah left without another word. It was natural for her to be speechless with such a pale face. What if she doesn't want to see me anymore because she's afraid of my dad?

"I think she's afraid of me." Dad said as he closed the door after I entered the house.

He can always read my mind because he is my dad. I only have a dad and dad only has me. There were some other relatives, but we rarely saw each other. In Korea, I have a grandmother who lives in a rural area. It's just that I haven't visited since mom died. I don't even remember when it was.

"So, what is her name?" Ask my dad.

"Eh?" I didn't really listen because I was still thinking about what if Shin Ah avoided me after that.

"That girl. Your crush!" Dad led me into the dining room where dinner was ready. "What is her name?"

"Dad!" How can dad...

"That was written on your forehead." Dad sat me in one chair before he himself sat down in another. "Do you like her?"

Dad knows. How about then? He will be angry with me. He will be disappointed in me. Should I just deny it? It's easier to tell dad that he misunderstood.

"Hey! I'm asking you." Dad kept waiting for my answer.

"I'm sorry, dad." I looked down regretfully.

"Sorry?" Dad laughed amusedly. "For what, my dear?"

I can only stare at my lap. How can I talk about this? I won't be able to lie to dad because the guy knows me well. I also couldn't admit it outright because I knew it would disappoint him.

"Because you have an interest in a girl? Not a boy?" Dad continued because I was just silent. "I think I don't have any problem with that."

I raised my head. Dare to stare at dad. I only get a loving stare back at me. No disappointment there.

"Am I disappointing you?" I asked, even though I knew he wasn't disappointed. I just wanted to make sure.

Dad shook his head. "Why am I disappointed when you grew up as a kind and pretty angel?"

"Dad.."

"Listen to me!" Dad leaned toward me. "You can't choose who you want to fall in love with. A contrived love was not a love."

I never thought dad would accept me like this. He loves me so much. Makes me want to cry.

"So what's her name?" Dad repeated his first question and I never answered.

"Lee Shin Ah." My voice was a little hoarse from trying to hold back the tears that were about to fall.

"Hmm.." Dad nodded. He ate the food he had prepared himself. "Looks like that kid likes you too, because she wants to come this far just to take you home."

"We are dating."

"What?" Dad choked. He drank to shake off his shock. After it subsided, he laughed. "My little girl has grown up."

"Dad." I stood up and hugged him. I can't take it anymore. I felt touched and happy because dad accepted my condition. I spilled my tears on his shoulder. "Thank you.. I love you, dad!"

"Hey!" Dad stroked my back. He panicked because I suddenly cried. "Why are you crying? Did she hit you?"

"No!" I let go of my arm. "I'm not crying. I'm just happy. I'm happy."

"Oh my dear.." Dad wiped my tears with his big hand.

"My dad..." I cupped dad's face with both hands.