Mercy (MxM) (COMPLETED)

Chapter Twenty One- Fear

Chapter Twenty One-

Elliot

"What's wrong?" Hayes asks, dropping me on his bed once we get into the playroom.

This happens quite a lot of I'm being honest. Hayes makes me tell him things even when it's the last thing I want to do. It doesn't really bother me much, but sometimes it's hard to admit things. It's easier with him.

In all the time I've known Hayes, he's never once judged or shamed me for anything I've felt. He's always supportive and has the best intentions. He's a great guy, but even so, I'm scared of opening myself up to being hurt again.

"Beau thinks I shouldn't sleep around and when I told him that I don't want a relationship he just acted like it was a big deal. I don't know why it's so hard for him to believe that I'm satisfied with how things are right now. I'm sick and tired of feeling used. Every time I open myself to someone they end up throwing me away, so why even bother? I might as well go into it expecting to be treated like trash because if I expect to be treated like something precious and still get thrown away afterwards, I don't know how I'll be able to deal with that." I rant, biting down on my lip when the tears start flowing.

I reach my hands up to wipe them while Hayes lays down next to me.

"You like being degraded and hate doms that praise you because you're so used to having someone who manipulates you by saying kind things and then tearing you down a moment later." He states. It wasn't a question. He's trying to read me like he does with his patients.

"Wonder how you got to that conclusion." I mumble, turning to face him. I sigh and look into his eyes before talking more. "In high school the guys would always flatter me to get me in bed. They told me I was super cute and that they really wanted to be with me, and then when they got what they wanted from me I was suddenly an easy slut. It's easier to always be a slut to them than it is to get my hopes up thinking that maybe I'm more than that."

"Elliot..."

"Honestly, I know I'm not. My idea of love is so warped that I don't even know what to expect from it. It's not like I'm a suitable candidate to be a boyfriend anyway. I spread my legs for any guy who can please me, and I've never been loved properly so I don't know how to express it. My father f****d other women when he was married to my mom and eventually she got fed up and left us. Then he kept f*****g random people, and eventually I started doing the same. I slept around a lot in high school and learned a ton so I got into b**m and then slept around some more. The whole Darren situation happened. I thought s*x was love for the longest time. Then I thought love was screaming and yelling. I thought love was passionate. Passionate enough to make him hit me at least. He always said that he just got caught up in the moment because he cared so much."

I pause to laugh bitterly before turning around to face away from him.

"Then when I was living with you, I thought love was putting a broken toy back together again. That's what it felt like when you'd hold me until I feel asleep so that I wouldn't get nightmares. It felt like you loved me, but I got scared and ran from it because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as before. Even when I came here and joined Sawyer and Teagan, I felt so hollow. I saw the way they looked at each other and that's real love. It really hurt because that's when I realized that nobody has ever looked at me like that. No matter how many people I've loved, not a single one loved me back. So I'm done with it. I don't want love. Why is it so hard for people to understand that not everyone is meant for relationships like that?"

The two of us sit in silence for a while once I finish. After a while, Hayes scoots closer and wraps an arm around my waist. "Do me a favor."

"Okay?" I answer, turning in his arms to face him.

"For the rest of tonight, let me treat how I want. No demanding things or trying to provoke me. Just lay back and let me take care of you." He suggests.

Did he hear a single thing I said?

"Whatever. I can still safeword, right?"

"Of course. I'd never tell you not to." He informs me.

He smiles down at me and leans in to kiss my lips, moving them together slowly... passionately. While our lips are connected, he reaches down to pull off my only piece of clothing.

He breaks the kiss to strip his pants off as well before staring down at my body. "You're beautiful, Elliot."

I don't like this. I don't like kind words and gentle kisses.

He leans down again to leave kisses on my neck, leaving a few hickies, not by biting but by gently sucking on the spots. I moan softly as he goes lower. Every part of my brain is telling me that I hate this, but my body still reacts to his touches.

I guess it's not that I need the degradation to get off. I just don't want to feel like someone cares about me when I know they don't.

When his face is in between my legs, he pushes my knees towards my chest. I position myself how he wants and moan even louder when he pushes his tongue into my hole. My eyes roll back slightly when he starts to stroke my c**k as well. The stimulation starts to bring me closer to cumming, but before I can, Hayes sits up and pours some lube into his hand before rubbing it on his c**k.

He leans over me and lines himself up with my hole before slowly sinking in. He's not degrading me or being rough. We're even doing it in the most basic position ever. There's no toys or b*****e or anything. Just us.

He puts his hands on my hips and buries his face in my neck as he slowly and softly pulls out before pushing back in, eventually setting a gentle and steady pace.

I moan more each time he hits my prostate. He's going in just as deep as usual, but it feels different. It feels too emotional.

"You're so good, Elliot. You feel amazing." He praises, and I bite my lip to keep myself from responding. Instead of saying anything, I just let myself get wrapped up in the pleasure.

I put my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, letting him continue with whatever speed he wants. He's going quite slow, but I'm still close to my peak and I can feel that he is too.

"You're perfect, Elliot. Beautiful and precious." He whispers, starting to place kisses on my ear and neck as my eyes water.

I don't like this. I don't like it because I'm starting to believe him. I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

He thrusts into me a few more times before he tightens his grip on my waist and my back arches, both of us cumming at the same time. "I love you, Elliot."

"Penance." I mumble.

He pulls out and takes his hands off of me, letting me roll over and put my face in a pillow once the tears start. I'm tired of crying, but it's better than that. Anything is better than that.

I sniffle and cry harder. I can feel him still sitting right next to me, but he doesn't touch me or say anything. We stay like this for a while longer. He just sits next to me and lets me sob into the pillow, but eventually he speaks.

"I'm sorry. Can I touch you?"

I sniffle again and pull away, using my hands to wipe my tears away before looking at him. "Don't ever say that to me again."

I stand up and walk to the bathroom, turning the water on to draw a bath.

"I'm sorry. Can we talk about it please? I wasn't lying if that's what you're worried about."

"You don't get it, Hayes! It doesn't matter if you're telling the truth or not. There's nothing left for me to give! I don't know what you want from me, and when I let you down, which I will because I always do, you're going to leave. I can't do that again. I can't." I scream at him, turning to face him.

"I won't leave."

"You can't promise that."

"I can and I am."

"What if I cross a line and piss you off?" I ask.

"I'll stay calm, and if I can't then I'll cool down and come back." He assures me.

"What if I cheat on you?"

"You won't."

"But if I do?"

"I'll be hurt, but we could work it out." He answers simply. I don't like that he has a response to everything.

"I'm not meant to be loved."

"You are."

"Well I still like b**m and I still have kinks, so if you think that what just happened is ever happening again then you can go." I snap at him, but he just smiles and walks closer to me.

"I'm okay with that. I'll degrade you if you want me to, but the second you start believing it, I'm stopping."

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Please don't break me."

"I won't. Can I touch you?"

I nod and he comes closer to wrap his arms around me, pulling me up against him. "Let's take a bath."