I'm A Mess

I gave him all of me. For years. Through hurtful words. Through the pain of the abuse I stayed. The bruises that disappeared long ago but the memories that stayed. "Please, I just want to feed him." I held our son to my breast trying to feed him at just a month old. My husband sat at the edge of the bed berating me. "You are just a failure of a woman. If it wasn't for me you would be in a card board box." He said and in honesty at times like this I begged for the card board but unfortunately I had a temper that would end me. I pushed him with my foot as I told him to leave. Not wanting to listen to this anymore as it had been going on for over a half hour as he chased me around our house. It wasn't a home at least not mine it was just a house. As he barley moved from his spot he stood and out of pure hate for me. Threw the vodka on me. Splashing his son and I in the eyes. The burning as I rushed up flipping my son over trying to clean the alcohol from him as my eyes burned. Everyday I remember something from the years of abuse. Everyday I beg for peace in my mind. Everyday I beg for happiness. That I don't think I will ever get with him. Yet for two years it's just been hurtful words. It hasn't been the abuse, but now he is the victim. He is the victim of my rage. My tantrums. My hate. I'm trying to be better. I don't want to have hate for him. He has changed but the past still is present at times. I will never be better until we are done. Again I breathe in and out as I find myself looking for the peace in the darkness of the streets away from that house. Away from my kids. Away from the images of every room in that home that I have tried to change to no longer resemble the rooms those memories haunt. I looked down to my phone as my heart began to race. I could feel my throat closing in and breathing coming hard. My mind going as thoughts began to run fast. He was calling me. I left him with our kids so I could breathe and all I could think about my duties are calling and if I go home the police will come. He is drunk again. Even though he hasn't hit in years. He keeps trying to get me to hit so he can play victim call the cops get me taken then I have to fix everything as he grudges against me for weeks. Telling me everything that is wrong with me everyday and how undeserving I am. How lazy I am what I need to fix. "Hello?" I answered the call. "Where the f**k are you?" He slurred out. "Just a block away. I'm sorry I needed a walk." "Like usual you leave me with the kids." He barked out. "I'm sorry." I sped up my pace back to the house I knew if I didn't hurry back it would be worse. Just apologize just be nice. He will fall asleep and then the night will be over. The phone went silent. Seeing the house come closer to view I seen him sitting outside taking drags off the cigarette. I smiled at him as I came closer. "The f**k are you smiling for? The fact you run off leaving your hard working husband to take care your kids?" Not knowing how to even respond to that I walked inside. Checking on my kids in each room. Who all just happened to be asleep. Anger coursed through me. I should just leave it alone. Go to bed not speak on it. The controlling behavior is bullshit. He lied the kids were asleep and didn't care I needed peace. f*****g s**t everything is about him and what he wants! Grabbing the courage to go speak to him civilly. I walked to the front door. "Our kids are asleep." I spoke out to him as he sat there taking drags off his cigarette. He let out a slow sadistic chuckle letting me know I made a mistake speaking on something. However it doesn't mean I will stop. I keep hoping for a change. "No s**t, I got them to bed. No help from you." He scuffed at me. Anger began to boil as I closed the door stepping into the night. "I gave them their meds. I had them go lay down in their rooms. I turned on their televisions. I left after they hadn't came whining at me. You started your s**t and I wanted a f*****g moment to breathe." I spit at him. As he stood up. "I am so f*****g sorry your life is so hard being a stay at home mom." "f**k you. You have no clue what I do on a daily basis." "Like what? Sit on your ass." He chuckled out. "If you tried to put in the same amount of hours of cleaning that I work the house would actually be clean." More and more I realize he will never appreciate a single thing I do. "Whatever. I'm over this bullshit with you." "Nothing stopping you from leaving." I scuffed at him. Walking back inside I grabbed my car keys and stepped back out. Part of me hoping as I walked to my car he would apologize. However this scenario has played so many times that I know that it will never happen. I got into my car turning it on and just idoling. Turning my music on softly when my vehicle started stuttering out. Looking at the gas gauge showing it was still half full. What the f**k. My house lights flickered. I stepped out my car. Then almost like a flash of lightening everything went out. My car shut off the lights on the road shut off all houses just stopped everything was quite. Looking up I seen a dark form above me. I know it makes no since. How could I see a form above me in the darkness. Well take all the lights away there is darkness and then there is dark. "Jeff!" I yelled. "I see it." He whispered next to me. Being so intrigued I never even heard him show up next to me. Next thing that happened was loud sirens going off all over making me bend over to cover my ears. Minutes passed as the noises sounded around me. Neighbors began to walk out their home in a daze. Confused and holding their ears when finally it stopped. Quietness unfolded making everyone on edge. When finally a males voice exploded through the sky. "We mean no harm. We just want cooperation. We are known as the taratrons. We offer peace, however if you fight we do guarantee you will lose this fight." I looked at Jeff. I've been afraid many times, but never once was I ever scared about my kids. I ran inside to my children. Grabbing their stuff as some how they still slept through that s**t. "Elizabeth!" Jeff yelled at me as I continued to stuff bags. "Where the hell do you expect to go and how? Vehicles are not working. You can't exactly get all our kids to listen and get through the town quietly. Your best choice is locking our home down or doing what they ask." I looked at him dumb founded. Just do what they say?