I Never Thought I could Ever

My name is Emily. I’m a domestic violence survivor by circumstance. The circumstances are my abuser died of a heart attack after the last time he laid hands on me. And that last time, I thought I was done for. But later on that night, while locked in the bathroom of our master bedroom, I heard a loud thud hit the bedroom floor, and I heard something crash. For a while I didn’t come out after hearing that sound because I was scared it was a trick that he, my husband Shawn was trying to play on me. Hours had passed after hearing that noise and for hours it was just quiet. Before the sound Shawn was banging on the door yelling for me to come out but I wouldn’t dare. Then the sound, and then just quiet for three hours. I thought to myself that even this amount of time to go by and it’s still quiet must mean something. So I slowly unlocked the bathroom door. Then I slowly turned the door knob. And I couldn’t believe what I saw. Shawn was laid out in front of the foot of the bed with his left hand on his chest, and the right hand reaching out for the bathroom door. Eyes wide open. My eyes was forced open to take in everything I was seeing, no matter how horrific at the moment. My eyes weld up with tears. But not tears of sadness. Tears of joy. I was happy that my abuser died this way instead of in a way that would have landed me in jail. I cried out “Thank you Jesus, Thank youuuu!” And pardon me for saying this but this meant I was finally free. This meant I could possibly start my life over. This meant I could get some help. The help I needed was beyond therapy. I needed medical help. The reason Shawn was so abusive to me is because I found out his secret by accident. One secret was that Shawn was a cheater. And he cheated on me a lot. And he didn’t care who or what type of person he cheated on me with. I ended up contracting HIV from my husband. When I found out my status, to keep me around he did what any abuser does to make you stay. To make it seem like it’s my fault for what happened. He wouldn’t even let me go to the doctor to see a specialist. He wanted me to die right along with him. But Now, now I do not need to live like this anymore. I gathered myself together. I found the phone and called 911. As I am on the phone telling the operator what happened, I’m kicking him to make sure he’s really dead at the same time. Ten minutes later, police cruisers show up. When I open the door, they see the fresh cuts and bruises on my face. All I could do was look down. And I started to cry as I told them everything that happened. I explained to the police that I stayed away in the bathroom for so long after hearing him fall because I was scared he was going to beat me to death. Of course I was taken to the police station, a report was filed. I was not arrested at all. Shawn kept charge of all the bills, bank accounts and money. But I knew where everything was, passwords, and passcodes. Used the letter of his death from the doctors to get access to everything. Shawn had a one million dollar life insurance policy, plus $200,000 in the bank. I collected on the insurance. Opened up a bank account for myself. Sold the house for $25,000 and I was out. Shawn was in foster care like I was. We were all each other had in the world. So I had nothing to explain to anyone. I cremated him but I left his ashes. Cruel of me when you think about it but all I ever associate with the name Shawn, is every bad thing that happened while I was with him. I’m finally free and I wanna stay free. I arrive at the airport in Arkansas, no idea where I want to go until I hear “I love it when you call me Big Papa, throw your hands in the air, if you a true player” And this is how I decided to come to New York City to start my life over. Single, and Savage and building my own empire in the city of big dreams.