The Return of the Luna Duchess

13 Blast from the Past

I open my eyes, and I find myself standing in a place that is very dark, I can't even see my hands when I tried lifting them up in front of my face. But not long after that, I can see thin colors of wispy white smoke start to surround me.

It suddenly looks like I'm being enveloped by mist or fog.

I squint and try to blink my eyes in an attempt to see through the fog but it seems intent on staying smoke-like but thick enough to prevent me from studying my surroundings.

However, somehow, in some weird way, I deduced that I am in someone's room. How I knew that, I don't know but I just somehow do.

"...my..."

My ears perk at the sound and I turn around in place, straining to try and find who and where the source of that sound was.

And whatever it was, it sounds so familiar to me that it made me want to go look for it and avoid it at the same time. But with the yearning I feel deep in my heart for that sound, coupled with my growing curiosity, looking for it won out.

Thanks to that, I find myself walking around the foggy place, trying to find the source of the sound. Despite the darkness of where I am, I feel confident about the ground I walk on. Like I know there are no bumps or even holes where I can easily slip and fall or anything like that.

It is very weird. This situation I am in.

Everything is just all over the place and out of place at the same time.

However, I still find myself thinking that everything is normal around me.

I don't know where I am or how I even got here but, nothing here makes me feel like I'm in danger. Though it makes me feel like everything that's happening to me right now, everything I see, hear, and do here, is important and something worth remembering.

How and why do I know such a thing? I...also don't know.

"Mommy... Mommy..."

That voice, now clearer and more understandable, pierces through my musings and it reminded me of why I am wandering in the first place. I was looking for the source of that voice.

And all of a sudden, somewhere deep in my mind, something tells me to stop.

And stopping in my tracks, I did. Just when I did that, the fog before me suddenly clears and my environment brightens up a little.

It's still very, very dark but at least I can vaguely make out shapes from the shadows. And that's where I managed to deduce that I am, indeed, standing in a room. And it's not just anyone's room but my room.

Other than the perpetual darkness, my surroundings are still foggy save for the clear view before me.

And the scene I'm witnessing right now is me, lying in bed, writhing and groaning painfully while a five-year-old Keenan stands beside the bed, holding Kieran in his arms.

"Mommy..." I hear him call out a little louder than before.

The scene being played out before me finally sinks in and slams into the forefront of my mind. And with that, I feel the color drain from my face at the realization.

I know this scene.

I know what will happen at this moment in time.

And...as much as I want to turn and look away...

As much as I want to just leave and never look back it seems that my feet are rooted to the floor and my body is frozen stiff that it won't listen to what I want to do anymore. It feels like someone is holding me in place or something, like they're forcing me to watch the events before me unfold despite me not wanting to.

And because of that, I am just standing there as history repeats before my eyes.

A history that I want to forget and redo.

'I just want you to notice me, Mother...'

I blink and look around me when I heard someone's voice in my head. And what's more, it's not just someone else's voice but it was Keenan's.

Why am I suddenly hearing his voice in my head like this--

'I wonder if you know that I always wanted to destroy your garden, Mother.'

I blink yet again. This time more on confusion at the words I am hearing in my head than the shock of hearing Keenan's voice despite him not opening and closing his mouth before me.

'You always seem to value and care for your garden more than me. More than us. I wondered...if you would finally see us when that garden disappears.'

There it is again!

Are...these his thoughts while he was here in my room holding Kieran? Why is he calling me Mother, though, when I distinctly remember him calling me Mommy before?

'This is a huge risk for me but this is the only thing I can think of where I can get a very low chance of you ignoring me. This is an all or nothing and I will know whether your children matter to you or not.'

I am still a little confused as to what is happening to me right now. There are still a lot of questions swirling in my head that I have no answers to.

Like why am I here so suddenly? Am I peeking into my past right now just like how I peeked into the future?

Come to think of it, I don't know what the present is anymore. But that's neither here nor there when there's something more important to focus on.

And that's the scene playing before me.

The sickening sensation that had been swirling in my stomach since I arrived in this place started to worsen when Keenan calls out to 'me' again.

"Mommy..."

And I know.

I know that was the last straw for 'me'.

I slap my hands over my mouth as I watch 'myself' kick the blankets off the bed and sit up, glaring at the two boys.

"Why are you so noisy, huh? Can't you see that I am going through something here?!" 'I' scream at him.

"But...Mommy, I-I just..."

"What is that you're holding?"

Before Keenan can reply, 'I' snatch Kieran from his hold. I bite my bottom lip anxiously when I see just how violent 'I' grab Kieran from Keenan's gentle hold.

That must have surprised Kieran and it must also have been painful for him, being yanked away from his brother like that, because he suddenly cried.

I watch myself wince at the noise and I know, coupled with the almost unbearable pain in my stomach from food poisoning during this time, Kieran's crying had my mind going blank.

I sob and I feel tears stream down my cheeks but I can't look away as 'I' shove Keenan out of the way. He strips on his feet and falls hard on his bottom with a pained squeak.

'I' ignored that and stomped towards the window.

Even from my point of view, I can clearly see that the 'me' in this scene behaves like she has every intention of throwing Kieran out the window.

Maybe that's why Keenan quickly recovered from his fall and was up on his feet in no time. He scrambles after 'me', pulling on the hem of my nightgown, he tries to stop 'me' from heading towards the window.

"No! Mommy! What are you doing? Please, stop! Please!" he sobs as he pulls with all of his strength.

However, his efforts to stop 'me' were no use. His pleas fell on deaf ears and 'I' was much stronger than he was. Thanks to that, no matter how much he digs his heels in, 'I' only ended up dragging him across the floor.

"Mommy, no!"

Just when 'I' arrive at the window and 'I' lift my arms full of a crying Kieran, the door suddenly bursts open, and in comes the Head maid and the Head butler.

The two are still in their sleeping attires and they both look out of breath, which could only mean that, despite 'me' not hearing Keenan's pleas, someone else has heard him.

"Oh my goodness, Madame!" the Head maid screeches when she sees 'me' about to throw the crying baby out the window.

"Your Ladyship, please! Get a hold of yourself!" the Head butler shouts at 'me' as he rushes towards 'my' side and snatches Kieran from 'my' hold.

'I' may have been so out of it from the pain and the bottled-up emotions I've been keeping inside of me. Because it seems that 'I' didn't notice everything that was happening around me.

But now that I am witnessing this scene before me once again, I just noticed that this was the first time I heard the Head butler raise his voice towards me. I also took note that he didn't give the still-crying Kieran to the Head maid despite her trying to take the baby from him.

I wonder why I can't recall any of this.

And just when I thought about that, my eyes widen in surprise when 'I' fainted. My body drops heavily on the carpeted floor with a dull thump.

Ah. So that's why. Other than me blanking out, I also fainted which was the most probable reason that I couldn't recall any of this happening.

Most probably because 'I' couldn't handle the pain from my poisoning. That and the effort of keeping myself sane had taken a toll on me and my body just gave up entirely from the constant struggle I've been going through.

"His Ladyship has fainted," the Head maid states the obvious in a flat voice before turning towards the Head butler. "Alfred, give me the Young Master Kieran. You'd best tend to that...thing."

She glares in 'my' direction and offers her arms toward the Head butler.

Huh. I know that I am not everyone's favorite person in and out of the estate. I understand that being the Detestable Duchess will earn me a lot of enemies.

However, for some reason, I feel that the Head maid is different from those who hate me because I was giving them some uncalled-for attitude.

I don't know how I knew it but...there's something fishy about the Head maid and her extreme disgust for me. I have a feeling that she has more beef with me than I could ever imagine.

And I wonder why.

Not only that, but it's also a little concerning that the Head butler himself didn't give Kieran to her.

Is there something about the Head maid that I should be wary about?

"Watch that mouth of yours, Gertrude," the Head butler scolds her with a death glare. "Know your place. Her Ladyship is still the Lady of the House and is our Master. Therefore, you should treat her as such while you are in her presence."

The Head maid scoffs and folds her arms over her generous bosom which is proportionate to her overly generous figure.

"She's not even conscious, so why do I care? And fine, be that way. Keep the crying child, I don't want him in my arms anyway. I hope he will make your ears bleed with that banshee-like cry of his."

She shakes her head with disdain. "I am sick and tired of listening to it every time I am duty-bound to oversee his care. I mean, seriously..." She lifts her meaty hands up in the air and gestures toward Kieran. "If not for that eyes of his which he got from the Master, I swear that that child is this woman's evil spawn."

'No.'

It was Keenan's voice inside of my head again.

At that, I turn to look at my eldest. He was sitting on the floor, as if the strength has left his legs and that had him sitting on the floor. He was looking at my unconscious body with a dazed look on his face.

'No,' I hear him repeat in my head. 'My brother is not an evil spawn. He's...he's my brother. Mother...no...she's not my mother anymore. How could she? How could she, how could she, how could she?! How could she do that to Kieran? To my sweet yet helpless brother? Her own child? Do we...really not matter to you at all, Mother?'

"Oh, Keenan..."

I let out a shuddering breath and the tears that are trickling down my cheeks became a cascading waterfall.

To think that he wanted to destroy my garden because he saw me taking good care of it. That he wanted to switch places with my gardens to receive my attention.

But...he doesn't know that all the care and attention I give to my garden is a result of me wanting to actually care for and attend to my sons. That, instead of plants who can grow but can't talk or move, I want to be able to watch my sons, my own flesh and blood, grow and thrive in life.

'Well, then...'

I stiffen in place at the sudden change in Keenan's voice. Is it me or did it grow...a little deeper and a little more ominous than before?

'If this is what you want...Mother, then so be it. Who needs love and care from a mother who gave birth to me anyway? I can just easily get that from someone else. Surely, a woman who's years older than me can do the job, right?'

I gasp at the way Keenan was thinking. Although I don't fully understand why Keenan suddenly thinks that way, something inside of me tells me that something has died within Keenan at this moment.

And that was probably the reason that made Keenan so unstable when Olga entered the scene.

Like why he suddenly becomes so reckless and so blind that even though it was so obvious Olga was just using him, he was still letting her?

He did say that this was an all-or-nothing for him. And after what I just did...after crushing the littlest of hopes in the corners of his heart and spitting on it before crushing it all over again was probably devastating for him.

No...maybe the word devastating doesn't even cut it.

If that's the case, then I can't blame him for being broken after this.

"Young Master Keenan, please, I implore you to take care of Young Master Kieran for now while I take Her Ladyship back to her bed," the Head butler goes to Keenan and offers a sniffling Kieran his way.

The Head maid rolled her eyes. "Well, since my help here is clearly unwanted, I'll head back to bed. However, I will make sure that the Master hears of this once he gets back!"

With another huff, the Head maid leaves my room.

Keenan, on the other hand, was still looking at my body. However, the dazed look in his gaze is long gone, now replaced with a dead and flat one.

He absently took Kieran from the Head butler and pulled himself up from sitting on the floor. And without another word, he turns and leaves the room, never looking back. Not even once.

It was then I realized that was also how Keenan looked at me when I was dying from Olga's poison and how it haunted me still.

As everything around me faded into the shadows, the unknown force that was keeping me still suddenly let go.

My legs suddenly feel weak and I fell to my knees while I weep my heart out, calling out for my boys with yearning and longing.

I just hope...and pray that this is all a dream and I will go back to the present.

The present where I have been given a chance to make things right. The one where I am trying to change and do my best to become the Mother that Keenan and Kieran deserve.

For their safety and for their happiness...I'd like to witness that with them.