The Return of the Luna Duchess

11 A Promise Made

While heading towards the rocking chair, I can feel Keenan trail behind me.

As we near go near our destination, I pause.

Because my arms are full of a sleeping Kieran, I use my foot to move a small stool, the one that one of my personal maids is using whenever they tend to my feet before I sleep, from the foot of my bed and slide it, so it's beside the rocking chair instead.

"Mommy, you could have told me to move the chair and I would have done that for you," Keenan says as he picks up the pace of his walking just so he's beside me yet again.

Smiling, I shake my head at him. "No, dear, you are already carrying a bowl for me."

"But it's just a small bowl and you are carrying Kieran and he might have woken up. He's very troublesome when his sleep gets disturbed. I would have done that without breaking a sweat..." he tries to protest but I'm not having that.

"Come now, I already did it while carrying your brother and I didn't break a sweat, right? Besides, Kieran is still sleeping so there's no harm done."

Smirking a little when Keenan just looks away while pouting, I slowly lowered myself on the rocking chair and started rocking it a little. I nod towards the stool beside the chair.

"Please sit, sweetie. There's something I want to tell you."

Keenan frowns a little and hesitates. It seems he's having an internal struggle with himself as he stands there for a good long while.

I didn't try to urge him or something since I don't want to pressure him. Especially when we barely made amends with each other, I can never show or imply that I am ordering him around.

I...want this to be his choice. I want to show him that I won't ever force him into anything unlike what my Father did to me.

My boys will always have the freedom to choose.

After a couple more minutes have passed, in the end, he sighs in resignation before he gingerly takes a seat on the stool.

"Are..." he starts, his voice low and soft. "Are you going to..."

I waited for him to finish his sentence but it seems that he won't be able to continue what it was without me asking for it.

And ask for it, I did.

"What is it, Keenan?"

"It's just that...are you..." he tries and fails to finish his sentence.

It alarms me a little when I see him blink multiple times, as if he's trying to ward off the onset of tears. However, it doesn't seem to do him any favors because the tears he had been blinking away kept on accumulating in his eyes that they ultimately gather and fall.

He had to quickly hold the bowl of porridge away from him so his tears won't fall into it and drop onto his lap instead.

"A-are you g-going to tell me to n-not come here a-again anymore?" he stammers and hiccups while he asks me that.

And my heart broke.

He probably gave up trying to put on a brave face in front of me. And despite him acting like an adult, trying to be the responsible big brother for Kieran, and being a competent heir in front of Alfred, with the way he's acting right now, it made me realize that deep down, Keenan is still a baby.

My baby.

One who is still in need of a mother's love and care. The reason why he was easily used and abused by Olga back was that she must have sensed that he needed a mother figure in his life and had provided that for him in return for...well, being her puppet.

Well, that's not happening anymore. Not on my watch and not if I can help it.

If there's someone in this room who's going to provide Keenan the love and affection he's looking for from a mother, then there's no one here more suitable for that job other than me.

And this time around, I'll make sure that I won't be blinded by fear of my Father.

I will love and care for my boys, provide them with whatever they need, and protect them. This time, though, I'm not going to do that by cowering in the corner at the sight of my Father's shadow.

I know that years of trauma from living with him won't make me invulnerable to him. Still, I also spent years without ever meeting him since I left the house.

Therefore...I am only this brave in saying that I can face him now. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can walk the talk when it comes down to it.

I inwardly shake my head at such thoughts. I shouldn't worry so much about the future. I still have time to brace myself if the time for me to face my Father comes.

For now, I have to focus on the present and become a proper mother to Keenan and Kieran.

Adjusting Kieran in my arms, I reach over and place a hand over one of Keenan's that was holding the bowl tightly.

"No, Keenan, baby, that's not what I was going to tell you," I tell him softly. "And I don't think I'll be able to tell you something like that. Instead, I'm telling you right now that I'm not banning you from coming and going into my room anymore. In fact..."

I take a deep breath and look him directly in the eye.

"I asked you to accompany me here because I want to tell you something. Something else that is not about you not coming back here anymore, that is," I tease, accompanying it with a small smile.

I try to lighten the atmosphere by joking around and I feel a little relieved when that got me a small twitch from the corner of Keenan's lips.

"Anyway," I squeeze his hand gently at that. "What I wanted to tell you, Keenan, is that I admit I have not been a good mother to you since you were born and I am still not it for Kieran today," I tell him in a soft voice.

However, keeping my voice low and soft didn't hide my sentence from hitching from feeling one too many emotions that are trying to escape inside of me.

"But, Mommy--" I cut his words off by placing gently a finger on his lips.

"Shh, let me finish." Biting my lip, I gather my courage and took the plunge, moving the shaking hand that was silencing him to cup his cheek instead, and wiping some of his tears with my thumb.

"Keenan...I am so very sorry. For neglecting you after all these years and for almost doing the same thing to your little brother. I don't blame you if you are still wary of me or if you don't trust what I am saying right now...or even if you hate me. All of that is okay because I know I deserve it. You might even find my actions really weird today and unfortunately, for now, I can't tell you the reasons for the change. But...I just want to apologize and make it up to you." I give him a small smile.

"As I said," I continue, ruffling his hair a little, "You don't have to believe me right now. But I want you to give me a chance to prove to myself to you that I am going to become someone who is worthy to be called you and your little brother's mother. All I'm asking is for you to let me care for the both of you. And that's it."

It takes everything in me to pull my hand away from Keenan's cheek.

Based on my observations from the future, Keenan yearns for a loving motherly attention and will get easily drunk from it.

This is what made him a susceptible puppet for Olga.

However, because I know that my eldest has a tendency to lose all thought just to bask under such attention, courtesy of my own actions for neglecting him as his mother, I am not going to use that fact to entice him to answer something in my favor.

I want him to decide with a clear head and an even clearer consciousness.

Additionally, I may not be asking him to give me an answer about trusting me. But I am expecting him to answer me if he can allow me to make it up to him and prove that I am going to take care of him and Kieran as their mother from here on out.

I don't want to force Keenan, so if he doesn't want me to start acting as a mother to them, then I have no other choice but to accept that.

I might just have to find a way to do something else for them instead.

Even though I know that it will take more time while I concoct a new plan to ensure happiness in my boys' future, I'll take it. I'll just have to work with the cards I've been dealt with instead of strong-arming Keenan to allow me or agree to anything I ask of him.

Besides, now that I have woken up from a dream of the future or something like that, I still have time. And I will use the time given to me wisely.

"You...want to become my mother?" Keenan asks suddenly.

I nod. "Yes, baby. Though I am already technically your mother, I want to become a proper mother to you and your brother this time."

"You're not going to ignore me anymore?"

My heart lurches in my chest at that and I nod yet again. "Yes. I am not going to ignore you anymore."

'You promise?" he whispers, his big blue eyes, the same shade, and color as mine looking up at me pleadingly.

He doesn't need to say anything more because I can see it in his eyes.

The yearning, the hope, and the fear.

The yearning that something he must have wanted for so long is finally being offered to him on a silver platter. The hope is that it will become something of a reality in his life and not just some dream or wishful thinking anymore.

And...the fear that everything he could have hoped and dreamed of was his for the taking, but only to discover it to be nothing but a sham in the long run. He fears that everything I am saying right now is not real and that maybe one day, some day from now, I might take it all back.

Giving him my most reassuring smile, I lift my hand and tap the tip of his nose with a finger.

I was about to promise him that I will try to become a proper mother to them from here on out and not flake on them...when I suddenly remembered something.

It was a little something taught to me by my mother when I was a little kid. She said that she has friends from the Northern Territory who use that gesture as a symbol of their pledge when it comes to promising something.

Ever since she passed, I vowed to myself that the Northern Promise she taught me was going to be something I'm going to pass down to my own children in the future.

Unfortunately, I was too preoccupied with keeping my distance from them to keep them safe.

Hence, I wasn't able to keep that vow.

Well, I think this is the perfect time for me to rectify that.

Using the hand I used to ruffle his hair, I offer it in front of his face and curled it into a soft fist before lifting a pinky finger out.

His eyes widen with curiosity at my hand before looking up at me and asking, "What is that, Mommy?"

"This is something my mother, your grandmother, taught me when I was your age. It was actually something her friends taught her from the North. And she told me that whenever I make a serious or an important promise, I have to offer my hand to the one I want to make that promise to and hold my pinky out."

While I was telling him that, Keenan quickly placed the now-cool porridge on his lap and held out his hand, curling it into a small fist before sticking his tongue out to the side a little while he struggles to get his pinky out.

He's so adorable!

"Like this?!" He lifts his hand up in the air triumphantly and I giggle.

"Yes, like that. Haha."

"Okay, what did Grandma say next?" he asks, his voice filled with excitement and giddiness which reflects in his entire being, seeing as he's almost vibrating from his seat.

I feel a twinge in my chest when Keenan called Mother Grandma.

Oh, how would Mother want to be called Grandma by him.

If she was still alive, my situation would have been entirely different but...there is also a possibility that if she were alive, I wouldn't get to have my two precious boys.

I might have a happier childhood but I might also get to have a different destiny than this one. Like, I may be married to someone else and have different children.

I...don't know what to feel about not having Keenan or Kieran with me.

I hope that Mother will understand that I prefer my life now despite the troubles, pains, and aches I've been through.

Because I believe that everything has a reason. There's a reason why Mother left the world early and there's also a reason why I woke up on this specific date and time.

Rather than lament about more what ifs and what nots, it's best I focus on the now, work with what I've got, and roll with it.

"Well, we do this." I hook my pinky finger with his. "And we say our promise, like so. I promise that I will do my best to become a good and proper mother for you and Kieran. I will give my all to become someone who you both can be proud of and someone you will rely on to care for and protect you. This is my vow and this is what I'm promising you."

"And done." I grin and was about to unlink our fingers together when I feel his pinky tighten around mine.

"I haven't done my promise yet!" he tells me with wide eyes.

"Oh, sweetie, you don't have to promise me anything. I'm the one who--"

"But I want to, Mommy! I want to promise something too!" he insists and gave me that pleading look with wide blue eyes once again.

Biting down on my cheek, I stifle a groan and resigned myself to the fact that not only will I be wrapped around Kieran's little fingers, but it also seems that Keenan will add to that pile as well.

"Well, okay..." I agree with a sigh and a smile.

Keenan beams at me and closes his eyes, his face scrunching up in intense concentration.

Now, this is interesting.

It looks like he is giving me a silent promise instead of the one I just did. And I haven't even told him about silent promises yet.

Does he know something about the customs of the North? Like he probably learned it in one of his classes or something?

But...he looked so in awe and excited when I showed him the one Mother taught me. Like it's the first time he's known such a thing, so I assume he doesn't know about it.

Well, maybe Keenan is just a smart kid who knows what to do. He may not trust me, but I trust him one hundred percent even without him knowing yet.

Therefore, I trust that there's a reason why he didn't mimic me and didn't say his promise out loud as I did.

Just when my idle musings came to an end, Keenan's eyes popped open as he grins my way.

"I'm done!" he shouts.

With that, Kieran begins to stir in my arms. Keenan gasps, his eyes wide, he lets go of our joined pinkies and slaps his hands over his mouth.

"Oh no! He's awake and he's going to cry!" he warns in a muffled voice and I braced myself for the crying that will come.

However, as soon as Kieran's eyes opened, something amazing happened that left me and Keenan dumbfounded.