The Return of the Luna Duchess

10 Bridging the Gap

"Mommy...are you sure you know what you're doing?"

I can hear Keenan ask me from the other side of my room while he eats his breakfast. Since I always eat in my room anyway, I already have a small table there that he can use.

It was a table that was good for two. And despite me wanting it to be only good for one person, however, I am thankful now that the Head butler was insistent to get the one that's good for two.

If this goes on, then maybe I can start sharing my meals with Keenan and Kieran one of these days.

However, before I can get to thinking about scenarios that may or may not even happen in the future, I have to face this new challenge before me right here, right now.

I have to feed Kieran.

However, I have zero clue as to how to feed him.

Especially when I told the Head butler that I would like to feed Kieran myself, I didn't mean that I will bottlefeed him. I know that I might have bitten off more than I could chew in trying to breastfeed Kieran right off the bat, but...I've always wanted to try it.

And since I already have this chance, why put it off for longer?

If I can do it earlier, I can master it faster and I would be able to experience one of the many joys of motherhood.

Therefore, I'm making this count while the opportunity presents itself.

I am already feeling guilty and bad because I won't be able to do it to Keenan anymore. After that first and last hug I gave him when he was a baby, I left him in the care of the servants, maids, and wet nurses.

All of which I already made enemies of after five years of being the Detestable Duchess. Because of that, there is no way I can ask for their help when it comes to breastfeeding Kieran.

There's no one and nothing else I can rely on other than my own motherly instincts--hopefully and assuming I have one--along with the advice and facts Mother had told me all those years ago.

But because I have almost zero knowledge of how to do it, here I am, doing a staring contest with Kieran.

I am worried that he's going to get hungry soon and will start to cry--because I also don't know how to make him stop crying, but so far, he's only staring back at me. As if knowing that his mother is in turmoil and wants to patiently wait for me to get myself together.

Oh, my wonderfully considerate baby!

I can't help but think as I hug him close and he just lets me.

Though, I already know that Kieran is still a baby and won't even know how to be considerate until he grows up enough to know what it means.

Especially when he was dubbed as the Tiny Tyrant back then.

But with how patient and how well-behaved he is, it makes me want to doubt all those rumors that surrounded him back then. Come to think of it, I should find out who made those rumors and teach them a lesson to hold their tongues in their mouths.

Even if I am going to stop acting like the Detestable Duchess, I am only going to be that way to my family and a chosen few who I can trust in the estate.

The rest, well, they will still taste the wrath of the Detestable Duchess. This time around though, I'm going to do everything and use every resource that I have to get rid of them.

Uhm...that doesn't mean that I will kill them or anything, okay?

Being the Detestable Duchess in the past, I never hurt the servants other than verbally attacking them. Criticizing their hard work and making them repeat their work over and over again.

Now that I know most of them were easily swayed by Olga, I'm going to nip that in the bud and punish those who did wrong and fire those who will betray me.

"Mommy? Are...are you sure about this? I mean, I can always ask Alfred to bring us a baby bottle. Kieran had been drinking from there ever since anyway."

I blink away from my woolgathering and glance at Keenan who was giving me a worried look, his spoonful of breakfast is paused halfway towards his mouth.

I know he said that to make me feel better, but it only made me feel worse. And that's because Kieran, according to Keenan, was so fussy that he didn't want anyone to touch him other than his brother and Alfred since he was born.

Thanks to that, he never had any wet nurses attending to him, unlike Keenan.

I thought that maybe Kieran is just being fussy and having a baby fit.

But...just how can a newborn be so picky right off the bat? Or is it because he just doesn't want to be breastfed? Can a hungry baby even refuse such a thing?

Well, Kieran does and he did. So, maybe there's a first for everything, I guess.

I'm holding him now and, for some reason, I think he also knows what I am going to do with him.

Yet, he's so calm and didn't make a tiny fuss?

Well, there's no use thinking about it now. Especially when I know that Keenan is waiting for me to answer.

"Oh, I'm okay, baby. Don't you worry about me," I tell him with a serene smile on my face.

I may have said that to soothe Keenan's worries...but yes, that is the truth. I only said that to tell him everything's okay when it's not.

I'm standing from across the room in front of my window, to give Keenan some space to eat and a little privacy to myself as I prepare for my attempt to feed Kieran, as well as give Kieran a little sun.

When I feel him start to stir in my arms, that's when I thought it was all or nothing, now or never.

Since I'm still wearing my maternal nightgown, one that is designed and is good for mothers who are breastfeeding their babies, it was easy for me to adjust it so I can easily feed Kieran.

Why was I in a maternal nightgown, one might ask? Well, because I found it to be the most comfortable one to sleep in ever since I had it bought and worn it while I was pregnant with Keenan.

After that, I made it into my sleeping gown. Then and now. Whether I was pregnant or not.

As soon as Kieran latches onto my chest and starts to feed, the sensations that fill me and the realization of the situation I am in dawn within me, all of it slamming into me at once.

It flooded my brain and short-circuited my system. It was electrifying and mind-blowing.

And I know, right at that moment, that I just took a successful step in experiencing what it feels like to be a mother.

Ever since I was picked up by the Bloomsdales and was loved and taken care of by Mother and Father, it made me thankful and grateful for having them as my parents.

After watching my mother care for both my Father and me, she became my role model.

I dreamed that someday, I would also have the kind of family that I have. A loving mother and a loving father. I would have also loved to have a sibling or two but since I was only picked up by the Bloomsdales and, after falling in love with me, Mother never thought to take in any more kids.

However, I never minded that I never had any siblings. Especially when I have my Mother and Father with me. The both of them are already more than enough for me.

But...everything changed when Mother passed away.

And just like that all of my dreams crashed and burned. Broken and destroyed beyond repair.

The loving family I loved and adored was gone. I can never return to the past where I was happy and content.

I realize that I can never save Mother from her demise and I am not strong nor am I capable enough to steer Father away from the path of ruin.

However, if I thought that I can no longer do anything for MY situation, I can still do something about my family's situation.

Thus, I donned the persona of the Detestable Duchess to achieve that.

And my choice, courtesy of my dream or the past that was shown to me, reflected the results of my attempt to save my family.

I only wanted to spare them from living the life I lived with my Father after all those years. But my efforts for it backfired, which lead my family straight to their doom instead.

However, now that this precious second chance has been given to me, I am still unable to save Mother or Father. However, I can save my family in a different way now compared to the way I knew back then.

Now, I am finally taking steps towards the changes that I wanted to do to ensure a brighter and happier future for my family.

Thanks to that, I am now basking in the results of the changes I made.

Not far from where I am, my eldest, Keenan is eating breakfast at MY table.

A place that was heavily associated with isolation and loneliness. Now though, knowing that he's using it and eating in my room, it...doesn't make me feel so alone anymore.

Not only that but I am looking down on the bundle of joy in my arms, specifically at Kieran's face as he suckles. His eyes are closed, obviously delighted as his hunger was being sated, and I can feel he's so at ease with me, basking in my presence, that it makes my heart flutter.

Apparently, my thoughts and the feeling that I am finally feeding Kieran were too much for me that my eyes widen in surprise when my vision suddenly grows blurry. I blink and that only made the tears fall from my eyes, making a soft splash on Kieran's face.

The cold tears made him flinch and Kieran's eyes pop open at that. His eyes were filled with curiosity--and was that a hint of worry?-- immediately sought mine, he grunts but he didn't stop his feeding.

"Oh," I squeak, lifting a hand, I wipe a tear from Kieran's cheek. "I'm so sorry, sweetie."

"Mommy...why are you crying?"

I flinch in surprise when I suddenly hear Keenan's voice right beside me.

And sure enough, when I turn to my side, I see that he was actually standing there beside me with a bowl of milk porridge topped with assorted fruit.

"Ah, Keenan, have you finished eating your breakfast already?" I smile and try to wipe my tears away.

However, he knows I know that he already knows I'm crying and my sad attempts in trying to hide it are not going to cut it.

Thankfully though, he didn't mention it and just nodded his head in response.

"Then that's great, baby. But...what's that you have there?" I ask, nodding towards the bowl of milk porridge that he's holding.

Keenan looks away for a bit and shifts in place before answering in a soft voice. "Uhm...you haven't eaten yet and well...it seems that Kieran is already done with his feeding and is going to sleep soon. So, uhm..."

Still averting his gaze, he lifts the bowl towards me. "I was thinking that you also need to eat. So, I prepared this for you."

I thought my heart won't flutter anymore after watching Kieran's peaceful and cute face. But apparently, I was wrong because Keenan not only made it flutter like crazy but he also made it inflate with so much happiness, I feel like my heart will burst.

I was touched beyond belief. No, that sounds like an understatement. I think no words can express my happiness and gratitude right now.

"Oh, Keenan..." I breathe.

I know I said that I should take it slow and easy when it comes to Keenan, but if he's like this, I just can't help myself.

Reaching down, I run my hand through his hair, giving him a soft and gentle pat. When all he did was redden a little and glanced my way, I give him a smile and leaned down to plant a kiss on the top of his head.

"You are the sweetest boy I've ever known, Keenan," I tell him.

When he just looks up at me, eyes wide in surprise, I take it that he's not so averse to my touch and my showing of affection.

Should I try and push the envelope further?

Looking around my room, I see a rocking chair by the window. And when I look down to see how Kieran is doing, I found that Keenan was right.

My youngest is already sleeping like...well, like a baby in my arms.

I still think he needs some of the gentle rays of the sun, so I decided to opt to sit on the rocking chair while I eat.

"Okay, I will eat," I agree while I redo my nightgown, careful not to wake up Kieran, before continuing, "But...I would like for your brother to get more sun while the rays aren't too hot. Would you be a dear and accompany me while I eat over there?"

I feel like this is going to be the right moment for me to be able to bridge the gap between Keenan and me.

And I just hope...that he accepts me.