BABY STEPS

CHAPTER THREE

Since my conversation with that girl in the bathroom yesterday, I've been kind of tense. She thinks I have an illness - which I don't! The reason why I lost so much weight recently is because I've been taking Yoga and Zumba with my sisters and Mom at the YMCA. Not by choice, but by force. Mom thinks by taking us to these classes we can all be closer or something.

I'm drifting off topic though, so anyways, I know that I'm not Bulimic. But she doesn't know that. And when she suggested that I was pregnant my heart stopped. Like, it literally stopped. It stopped and didn't start again for a whole three minutes. I thought that I was going to die in that bathroom!

After I got home, it all started to make sense though. I have been sick for two weeks. Unexplainably sick. Not like a runny nose, or the fever. But I've been having headaches, morning sickness, and other things that I do not wish to mention or think about.

I spent my morning in study hall alone. At one point I thought of just buying a test. Just to see. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not alone. Not with someone. Not at all. If I was pregnant, I don't know what I'd do. Who I'd tell.

My Mom would be put in an early grave, and who knows what my Father would do. A thousand scenarios played out in my head - none of them good. But none of them could compare to the ones I thought of Ian.

What would he say?

What would he do?

What would he think?

I think his first reaction would be to deny having anything to do with it. He'll probably think it's someone else's, and with my reputation it could be. But I know the truth. I wanted Ian to be my last. I wanted to remember how we felt together. How he felt. So the chances of the baby being someone else's, is slimmed to none.

Anyways, I decided not to take a test at all. Not that I'm denying it - if - it's even there, but because there's just one last thing I can do. Wait for my period. If it comes, then I'm not pregnant. It's due any day now, so I won't have to wait very long. I think is the only time ever a girl actually WANTS her period to come.

"What are you doing in here?" Micah says, coming from behind me.

"It's study hall," I said, almost in a whisper. "What else would I be doing in here?" He gave me sloppy grin, sitting down in the chair across from me.

"Aria, not only am I your brother, but I'm your twin. Technically that makes me your other half, and I know more than anyone that you do not study for anything."

"People can change," I smiled, causing him to shake his head.

"Whatever. What are you even reading?" He asked, grabbing the book I was reading before I could stop him. "WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING," he read the title out loud. "Why you reading this? Is Mom pregnant again?" He asked jokingly, and I snatched it back from him quickly.

"It's for a project," I mumbled, looking away from him and he laughed a little.

"You're taking Health now?"

"Uh..." I trialed off. I can't lie to him. He can always tell when I do. Maybe it's just a twin thing, or maybe it's because he knows me so well. "Leave me alone, Micah. Don't you have a ball to throw or something?"

"At six in the morning?" He raised a thick brow. "Nope," He finished off with a closed smile, and out of my periphery I think I saw him. I looked away from Micah to find Ian setting himself up at the table in front of us. I quickly ducked behind my Math book, leaving only my eyes out so that I could see him. "Why are you hiding?" Micah asked, trying to make me drop the book.

"Stop!" I whispered/yelled at him. "Go away! You annoy me!"

"Come on, Aria! Stop acting weird!" He shouted, and I internally screamed. Why would he say my name?

As if planned, Ian looked over in our direction, probably because he heard my name, and then locked eyes with me. I sighed heavily, lowering the book. "Thanks a lot, Micah," I said, and he shrugged getting up to leave. "And where are you going now?"

"Somewhere that I'm wanted," he retorted, grabbing his backpack from the floor, and leaving me there alone once again.

I tried to pretend that I didn't see Ian still standing there, watching, waiting. I tried to pretend that when my brother left it wasn't awkward seeing him. But I couldn't. And for a while I looked at anything but him: the blue commercial carpet, the old scratched up wooden desk, I even looked at a few problems in my math book to avoid looking at Ian but it deemed itself impossible. The thing is, you can't just be near Ian and not notice him. It's not able to be done. Not for me anyways.

I reluctantly looked up at him, my brown eyes meeting his sweet blue ones. He half smiled at me, his backpack still in tow, book still halfway on the table, just about to be cracked open. I wanted to smile back - really I did. But my face was too tight, so tight I felt that if I did it would split in half. I must've looked like a crazy person just staring at him like that, big brown eyes looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

That's when his friends came. I quickly looked away. Back down at the homework I wasn't doing. I wish I was brave enough to talk to him. Brave enough to be near him. This has to be some form of irony. I laughed to myself. I had s*x with the guy and I can't even talk to him.

He just seems so important. I heard a wolf of laughs coming from that table but I didn't look over. I refused to. If I did that would mean that I cared, much like looking back at his car that night. The night we were last together.

~*~

My period didn't come. I kept thinking, it's late, it's just late. But it was no use. There was some blood one day, but not enough to be an actual period.

I sat on my bed, English homework in hand, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I let out an exasperated sigh, making my way into Micah's room. I couldn't call Bonnie or Taylor or Olive. I couldn't. But I needed someone, and my brother was my best option.

I went and leaned in his doorway, watching as he read 'Moby d**k' for the fifth time ever in his life. I sighed dramatically, and he finally looked up at me, then laughed.

He took off his glasses, then sat them and the book on the bed beside him. "You are something else," he mummers, extending his arms out to me. I grin, jumping onto the bed with him, into his open arms. "What do you want?" He asked.

"I have a secret." That's all I say, and he nods, understanding.

"What happened?"

"Do you think I'm shallow?" I asked in all seriousness, resting my head on his chest.

He just laughed. "I think you're anything but. I do, however, think you're taste in men suck."

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Ian? Really? You'd come out better liking Rick or somebody."

"You're just saying that because Rick's your friend," I sighed.

"Ian is not for you, Aria. It's best you leave that one alone."

"Why?"

"You don't know him like I know him," he states, all joking aside.

"But I like him."

"He'll hurt you, you know." That was the last as spoke of him. I don't know much time passed with us there; him holding me like he was. I almost forgot what I even went in there for. "What's the secret, Aria?"

"Oh." Now I remember. "I'm late."

......

"Aria I can't believe this!" Micah yelled, pacing my room like he was going crazy. "How can you be so irresponsible?"

"IT WASNT MY FAULT!"

"And then you do it with Ian of all people! IAN!" He ran two hands through his hair. Double exasperation.

"I'm sorry, Micah. But really I just need you to stop yelling right now, because I'm already really sad and I just need some moral support okay?" I was near tears now, and Micah was red all over.

He took a deep, steady breath, then came and sat down on the floor with me. "I'm sorry," he said softly, and I swiftly wiped away the tear that rolled down my cheek.

The timer on his cell phone went off, and we both looked over in anticipation at the pregnancy test that sat threateningly on my desk.

I don't know how long we sat there, staring. Two minutes? Five? Maybe even seven. All I know is that I didn't want to pick it up. I didn't want to know.

That little purple tube was going to determine my future. It was going to make me or break me. That little tune was going to lay out my future. Oh what am I going to do?!

"Do you want me to get it?" Micah asked quietly, almost in a whisper. I nod because I can't seem to speak.

He picks it up, and then walks back over to me. He doesn't look, I close my eyes. I raised my knees up to my chest, resting my head on top. What do I do? What do I do? I keep thinking. Over and over and over again. This wasn't supposed to happen. This never happens.

I can feel Micah's eyes on me. I can feel his breath on my legs. He's closer now. He places a comforting hand on mine, but I never look. Not at him. Not at anything.

"Look, Aria," he starts. "Whatever happens, just know that I'm here, okay?" He sounds so desperate. So afraid for me. "I know that's not gonna mean much to you once it's done, but I'm here."

"Okay," I whisper, finally opening my eyes. "I'm ready."