BABY STEPS

CHAPTER FOUR

"What am I going to tell Mom and Dad?" I asked Micah, still sobbing.

I'd been crying so much since we knew my eyes actually started to burn. "I don-I don't know," he stammered, placing his arm my shoulders.

"Who's going to even help me, Micah? All I have is a lousy part-time job." I started to cry even more at the realization. My life is over. I'm seventeen and already my life is over!"

"I'll help you, okay. We'll figure it out." Micah's voice was so soft, so comforting. It was almost like he was talking to a scared child. Trying to convince them the clowns aren't scary.

"Everybody at school is going to laugh at me," I cried, burying my face into his chest.

"It's okay, Aria," he sighed. "You don't have to worry about this right now, we will figure it out." My eyes weren't open but I could hear it, I could hear the door open. Someone came in, but I couldn't stop crying.

"What's wrong with her?" Iris asked, shutting the door back.

"Nothing," he lied. "She just has a really bad stomach pain."

"Well she better keep quiet before Mom hears," she replies, then comes and sit next to me. "And don't lie to me, what's the matter, Aria?" She asked me instead of him this time.

"I..." I opened my eyes to look at her, my vision blurry. "I can't..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"Seriously, Micah!" Iris yelled, sounding almost angry. "What's wrong with her?"

"Do you want me to tell her?" He asks me. I just shrug. She gave him a shocked look, almost like she was offended that he had to ask first. "She's pregnant."

"WHAT?!" She shouted, standing to her feet.

"Keep your voice down!" He whispered through gritted teeth.

"Is this is joke?"

"Am I laughing?"

"Who's the father?" She asked wide eyed.

"Do you want me to tell her?" He asked me, and this time she smacked him.

"Ask her that again!"

"Ow!" He complained.

"You know what," Iris started. "It doesn't even matter. We will take care of this!" She started smiling from ear to ear, and then cupped my face in her hands. "I'll take you down to the clinic, and boom. Problem solved." She started to wipe my tears away, and I immediately stopped crying.

"What?" I asked my voice hoarse.

"That is not an option!" Micah shouted, enraged. "We are not going there."

"Do you have a better idea?" She asked him.

"She is not just going to kill this baby!"

"Would you rather her spend out the rest of her life in exile? These nine months in school are going to be HELL! And you aren't gonna have the heat she is."

"We are not killing this baby." His voice was stern and final, and I just remember watching her narrow her eyes at him.

"Yeah? And then what? We all just raise the baby together huh? One big happy family!"

"First of all, you're about to go to college so you don't have to worry about anything!"

"Where's it gonna sleep? ON THE ROOF?! Or are you forgetting that this house is crowded enough."

"It'll take your room!" They were face to face now, and I couldn't even get a word in. I just watched them go word for word, attracting more attention, causing more problems.

"Why don't you guys just stop talking about me like I'm not here?" I shouted when I finally got the courage to speak.

Their heads turned towards me in surprise. "Do you want me to take you to the clinic, Aria?" Iris asked, her blond curls dancing all over the place.

I was taken aback by how much she looked like Mom in that moment. So much so that it scared me into thinking that she was Mom. Not actually her but, in a position where I was talking to her.

At that discovery, I shrunk inside. I peeled my eyes from hers, looking at Micah. He was begging me not to do it, I could just tell. With his eyes. I don't know how long it was that I stared at him, having this silent conversation that only we could hear.

Think about how this would affect you, I could hear him say. What could happen to you afterwards?

Sometimes, people can't have babies anymore. Sometimes the abortion goes wrong and you're still pregnant, but your baby is born with two toes, or one arm. I only know this because they showed us a video of it in class last year. Sometimes, I think, you could die. I don't know. I'm not an abortion expert.

Even through all this, the thinking, Micah's stare, all I could see is Ian. Ian who doesn't like me. Ian who definitely won't like me if I ruin his life. Ian who won't love me for having a baby he probably didn't plan on. A baby he probably doesn't want.

"Okay," I sighed, looking down at my feet. I knew Micah was staring at me, I knew he was angry. But I didn't look at him. I wouldn't. I refused to see what expression his face held; what emotion he was feeling.

"Fine," His voice was ice cold, it scared me a little. "But don't expect me to be there." And with that, he was out of my room, the door was left open. He didn't even slam it. What did that mean? Was he trying to make me change my mind? Was he giving me the chance to not go?

"Don't worry about him, Aria." Iris pulled me into a hug, placing a loving kiss on my forehead. "You made the right decision. I'll take you in morning before school, okay?" I nod, and then she leaves.

After she was gone, I let out a sigh of relief. After tomorrow all if this will be over. It'll be just like it never happened. All I wanted to do now was sleep. All there was left to do was sleep.

My eyes scanned my bed, at all the homework I hadn't completed. I just gathered all the papers up, grabbing my shoulder bag to stuff them inside. my bag fell to the floor, and everything that was inside with it.

With a small groan, I bent down to pick it up but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw it. That book. I wasn't really reading it earlier, I was just curious, but now I was sort of wondering what was inside of it.

What To Expect When You're Expecting.

I picked it up from the floor, and dared myself to look inside of it. Downstairs, I had heard my parents come back home, so I closed the door.

"What should I expect?" I sighed, fanning through the book at first but then going back to the very beginning. "Nothing, that's what, because you are going to be gone tomorrow," I said to my stomach, like someone was actually listening.

But I read the book anyways, slowly at first, but then seriously and fast in the end.

~•~

"Aria," a voice called. "Wake up." I groaned quietly, and then slowly opened my eyes. Iris was standing in front of me, watching me.

I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep. I wasn't under the covers or anything, just sitting against a pillow, book still in my hand.

"We have to go now, Aria." She moved my hair from my face sweetly, giving me a reassuring smile.

"Okay," I sighed, closing the book and sitting up straight.

"I'll be waiting for you in the car." She was gone after that.

I slowly got dressed, thinking about that book I read last night. Judging by the time Ian and I had s*x to my last period, I'm five weeks pregnant. That's actually a month old. I tried not to think about it though, not about what's happening inside of me, what's about to stop happening.

"Ow!" I shouted, looking down at my breast. They were tender and swollen and hurt every time something or me touched them. "Oh my god," I sighed, opting to just not wear a bra at all, and the loosest shirt I could find.

With one last glance at myself in the mirror, I left the room. Iris was waiting for me, like she said she would be. Micah had left already, I guess so he wouldn't have to deal with me. Typical.

"You ready?" She asked, and I nodded numbly.

"Yeah," I said. "Let's go."

Not even ten minutes later I could see the sign up ahead. 'Mayfair Woman's Center', in big, bold, letters. "Do you want me to come in with you?" I shook my head, and then reached for the door handle, not wasting any time. "Oh, wait!" Iris says, stopping me. She pulls out her purse, digging through her wallet. "I'll pay for it." She handed me 300 dollars, and I let out a small thanks.

Inside of the office, I had to sign in at the desk. "Do you have a driver?" The woman asked, and I nodded slowly. "She has to be here to check you out."

"She's right outside. She'll be in soon," I lied. I didn't want her in here with me. I just wanted to wait by myself. I just wanted some time to myself.

"Okay," she sighs. "It'll be a two to three hour wait. Get comfortable." I let out a much needed breath, picking the seat farthest in the back.

As I walked through that small crowd of people, they all eyed me, their eyes accusing. They all seemed to be judging me in their head. Look how young she is! I imagined them saying. How can she just kill that baby? She's only a baby herself. It was enough to make want to cry. I almost did. Almost.

In the chairs across from me, there was a man. A man comforting a woman. She could be his girlfriend, his sister, his wife. They could be here for anything. Anything. Just like I could be.

I folded my hands in my lap, trying to focus on just that, but I started to focus on my belly instead. The book said that there was nothing there, that my baby was just a tiny seed - a tadpole of a baby.

Just a bunch of tiny organs developing and just starting to function. Just a bunch of cells trying to form one little person from two completely different ones.

I closed my eyes tight, imagining how that could be. I imagined the inside of my tummy being pink and warm. Over a gazillion silver things forming something. A face. A body. A boy, like Ian. Maybe a girl like me. A girl with his eyes and my face. A beautiful little girl.

I opened my eyes quickly, all images of her fading away. No. I'm not about to do this to myself. I can't.

"Aria Briggs," the nurse called, startling me. I stared around the room, it was nearly empty. How much time has passed?

"Yes."

"They're ready for you." She smiled at me, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. It was a forced smile. An, only because I have to, smile.

I followed her towards the back, the walls a sky blue, the floors clinical and stinking of bleach. Disinfectant.

In the room, there was a flower painting. Something for me to look at while I'm here. Something simple and sweet. On the other wall, there was a painting of a little cottage in a valley. It almost made me smile. The way the sun shone on the cottage, the way the fields flourished with grass and flowers.

"Just lie down there, and the doctor will be right in," she said, but really, what I think she was saying was, "lie down there until you change your mind. Until your feelings get to you."

I focused on the paintings.

Without meaning to, I imagined living there. Not in the painting. But the cottage. In the future. I closed my eyes, picturing myself in that field. Laughing, dancing, and being happy. Everything was in gold light. Like that light just before the sun sets.

I placed my hands on my stomach on accident, and suddenly a little girl appeared. "Mommy!" She laughed, with her pale blue eyes, running towards me. When she smiled at me, she looked like Ian. She laughed like me. "Mommy, Mommy!" She smiled, running into my open arms.

I jolted up in my seat, my eyes opening too quickly. So quick I almost forgot where I was. She disappeared, so did the field of wheat, so did the smell of the open air. I was back in the clinic, the smell of bleach becoming overwhelming.

"Hi, Aria!" The doctor came in, and I shook my head vigorously.

"No!" I shouted.

"No?" He asked, completely confused.

"I'm not doing this!" His eyes lit up in understanding.

"Listen, I know you're scared but you'll feel good about this in the long run. You just need to relax." His voice was annoyingly calm, and not helping at all.

"No, I need to be out of here!" I ran for the door before he could stop me, back down the hall I came from, back to the front desk.

"Aria?" A familiar voice asked, and before I could stop myself I crashed into him.

"Micah!" I cried, throwing my arms around him. "I thought you weren't coming." I breathed into his neck. He wrapped his around me.

"I was being stupid. You know I'm going to be here for you, no matter what you decide."

"Well I can't do this; I'm not going to do it. I should've just listened to you." He pushed me away gently, only so that I could look at him.

"Don't listen to me, Aria. Don't listen to anyone. This is your life and you need to do what's best for you. I was a jerk last night, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I smiled.

"You wanna go? If we leave now we can make it for lunch." I nodded, not wanting to spend another minute in that place.