Never is a long time

I was nine, when this all started to shape me, I think. It's all blurry and I only remember portions of all the bad things. None of the good things though. As if my brain refused to keep me seeing the good things again. Grandpa was sick... he had so little time left, we the children were told to play away from the main house, and so we did. Me and the others. Being the pink ranger, I despised it, so I choose to be the white ranger instead. Once we fought against the monster, we changed the game to hide and seek, 1, 2, 3... I ran. I hod under the folded mattresses. Then he came. Spooned me from the back and hugged me tight. He wasn't my favourite, but I do adored him, he was the older person. I can feel his hand touching me, it roamed wherever it wanted. I was shocked, but didn't do anything, I was scared. Would he hates me if I screamed. It went on until I felt his hand grabbed it hard. I was elated, I was wondering, I was confused of all the feelings that came after. Few seconds into it, I felt another firm hand grabbed me to come out from my hiding. My tears fell down. From that day, the innocence me was gone. I was on road to be the weirdest, the worst person I'll ever be. I hated myself when I was skinny so I made it my life goal, to be ugly, fat and unloved as I was still am a dirtied flower there is. Then came highschool. Came College, came a job, I didn't asked for and here we are. I am now 32. That prick has turned into a drug addict and destroyed his life, not knowing he had first destroyed mine. I have became a person who can't love but long to be loved. I wish this will all end. I wish whoever God assigned me to, would just come and keep me safe. All I need is just a loving arms to hold me when I'm in these weird thoughts. All I wish is for someone to hold me up, just once. I'm tired od standing on my own, all alone again. Please.