Untold Sorrow

Suspended Marriage

Slowly Jennifer raised her eyes from the glass in her hand and stared at him. 'Married!' She exclaimed. 'You must be joking! How can we get married'?

'Simple', he said. 'We get a license and just do it'.

'That isn't what I meant!' She snapped.

'I know what you meant'. He drained his glass and set it down on the coffee table.

Jennifer's head was reeling, she was having trouble breathing. Married! What was he thinking of? A nasty little item in the gossip column was one thing, a lifetime commitment to a man she didn't love, who didn't love her, quite another.

She finally collected herself enough to speak calmly. 'Isn't that a little extreme'? She asked with a wry smile. 'Wouldn't it be simpler to just call off the whole arrangement'?

He turned then to face her, 'is that what you want, Jennifer? Do you want to go back to dealing with your sister's interference? Fending off passes'?

'Well, no', she said weakly, 'but I don't want. ..' She reddened, unable to go on.

'Before you make up your mind', he broke in, 'perhaps I'd better explain more clearly what I have in mind'.

'Please, do', she murmured. She had the uneasy feeling that she was being drawn into a situation

That was way over her head. She looked at Matthew, He seemed to be deep in thought. she knew by now the way his mind worked. He was never impulsive, never acted thoughtlessly. He wouldn't speak now unless he had it all worked out in his mind just what he wanted to say.

As she waited, she began to wonder what it would be like to be married to this tall, remote man. What would he expect of her? Did she want to give up her freedom on any terms?

'What I have in mind', he said at last, 'is really just an extension of our original arrangement. from my point of view, it worked beautifully until this came along'. He nodded towards the offending newspaper, still lying on the coffee table 'Do you agree'?

'Yes, I do', it was the truth. she really had enjoyed Being with him and appreciated the security, the protection. 'But...'

He held up a hand. 'Let me finish. I want you to understand how I feel before you make up your mind. I don't see any remote possibility of falling in love again. I've already told you that. But I do need a wife in my position'. He frowned. 'That sounds so cold-blooded, and I don't mean it that way. I've come to be very fond of you, Jennifer', he went on, the grey eyes softer now. 'I like being with you. We enjoy doing the same things, have the same way of looking at life. Our backgrounds are similar. If my understanding is correct, you're no more interested in a grand passion than I am'. He paused, his eyes asking a question.

'No', she said promptly, 'I'm not. There was one thing he hadn't mentioned, one thing she had to understand before she could even begin to make a decision on his strange proposal. She took a deep breath and looked directly into his eyes. 'What would you expect from me'? His dark eyebrows shot up. For once she had caught him off guard, and she felt a strange surge of satisfaction flow through her. He was too calm and collected. it pleased her to see him even slightly ruffled.

'Nothing physical, of course', he replied stiffly. 'I assumed that was understood'.

She leaned back on the couch, enjoying his discomfiture. 'Won't you find that difficult at such close quarters'? She asked in a slightly mocking tone. 'Or do you plan on having affairs'?

A dark flush spread over his features. She could tell she had made him angry, and it exhilarated her to see that she could stir some emotion in him. Maybe he'd call the whole thing off. She didn't care.

She could see that he was controlling himself with an effort. His fists were clenched on his knees, and a little pulse beat erratically at his temple just where the neatly combed black hair began.

Then he relaxed visibly and smiled. 'No', he replied. 'I don't plan on having affairs. Do you'?

'No', she Muttered, taken aback. 'Of course not. I'm sorry. I had no right to say that'.

'You had every right', he shot back firmly. 'If we decide to go ahead with this, I want to be sure your interests are considered every bit as much as mine, and even though it would technically be only a marriage of convenience, I want you to know I'd never do anything to embarrass you'.

He paused for a moment, then went on. 'After Beth died, I admit I went off the deep end for a while. I guess I was looking for her in other women. Something like that, anyway. Apparently, I got it out of my system because, after a year or so, I managed to get hold of myself, decided to put my energies into public service, my political career. The meaningless affairs were far more trouble than they were worth'.

Jennifer didn't know what to say. She just sat there staring down at her hands in her lap. The offer was tempting. She wasn't looking for love, but it would be nice to have security. Maybe, eventually, if it worked out, they could even adopt children.

Richard had been dead over a year and with each passing month her conviction that she would never fall in love again only strengthened. She thought back to the bleak grey days before Matthew came into her life, and she knew she didn't want to go back to that dreary emptiness.

She considered her alternatives. She knew she had only two choices. She could enter into a marriage of convenience with Matthew or she could give up his friendship. In either case, love would be missing, but since her capacity to love seemed to have died with Richard anyway, at least as Matthew's wife she'd have something.

She turned to face him. 'All right, Matthew,' she said calmly, her mind made up. 'I'll marry you.'

Margaret, of course, was ecstatic, and immediately began making elaborate plans for a June garden wedding at the Green home in Virginia.

'Sorry, Margaret', Jennifer said firmly over dinner a week later. 'No big wedding'.

'And we're not waiting until June', Matthew put in.

Jennifer shot him a quick look across the long dining table. He sounded just like an impatient bridegroom, she thought. He must be a better actor than she had given him credit for.

William spoke up from the head of the table, forestalling Margaret's objections. 'Well, I hope you'll at least invite us to the ceremony. Where will you live'?

'I'll just move upstairs to Matthews's apartment', Jennifer rushed on before her sister had the chance to take charge of the conversation. 'It's much larger than mine, there's an extra bedroom I can use for a studio'.

She neglected to mention that she would also be sleeping in that extra bedroom. It was no one's business how she and Matthew chose to conduct their marriage. They had worked it all out between them, and with each passing day, Jennifer felt more and surer she was doing the right thing.

Matthew seemed to be bending over backward to please her. He had insisted she take the Larger of the two bedrooms, with its own private bath, and had promised her a free hand in redecorating, telling her to make whatever changes she liked. She planned to use most of her own furniture. Matthew had Spartan tastes, only the bare essentials since he did all his entertaining in restaurants.

She listened now as he went on to explain their plans to a subdued Margaret. 'One of the Supreme Court justices is an old friend of the family. He'll marry us in the Senate chapel, and of course, we want you both there'.

Margaret was cowed by the authoritative tone, Jennifer could see, but wasn't going to give up without a struggle. 'It just doesn't seem right', she Grumbled. 'A United States Senator doesn't get married every day. Everyone in New York will want to attend'.

'No one in New York is going to attend, Matthew said firmly, 'because no one is going to know about it except you and my brother. After it's over, Margaret, perhaps you'd like to give a reception for us. In a week or two'.

Margaret's glum expression brightened at the bone thrown to her. She was an old hand at society infighting and knew when to concede graciously in exchange for a quid pro quo like that plum. She'd be the envy of all her friends. A reception for a newlywed senator was not quite the same as a wedding, but it was certainly the next best thing.

Jennifer watched her sister with amusement. She could almost see her ticking over in her mind who to invite, who to exclude, what to serve. Happy at last, she made no objection when Matthew glanced at his watch early and said they'd have to be going.

'She seemed almost glad to get rid of us', Jennifer laughed on the way home. 'That was nice of you, Matthew, to let her have a reception. These Things mean a lot to her'.

A week later, the wedding went off as planned. There were no reporters present and no guests except William and Margaret, who cried noisily throughout the whole ceremony, and Matthews's brother and his wife.

Jennifer felt oddly detached, as though she was standing aside watching herself standing there beside Matthew in front of Justice Monahan repeating her marriage vows. When it was over and Matthew leaned down and kissed her briefly, coolly on the lips, she was startled momentarily by the intimacy.

Of course, she knew the kiss was for the benefit of the others. Still, when their glance met after it was over, she thought, she could see a new warmth in the silvery eyes. They smiled at each other, and Jennifer

Felt a sudden strong surge of affection for this tall, honorable man.

Even though it wouldn't be a real marriage, she thought, he had placed enormous power over him in her hands. By giving her his name, his public protection, he was trusting her with his career, his future, and much of his well-being.

I'll be a good wife to him, she thought fiercely to herself, just as I know he'll be a good husband to me. Mutual trust and simple friendship were just as good a basis for marriage as love and passion, she reasoned. Perhaps a better one. They'd both loved and lost once, been shattered by it, and never wanted to risk it again. It would be all right.

They had decided against a honeymoon. Congress was in session, and Matthew, as a new senator, felt he owed it to his constituency to be present every day. Besides, the unspoken thought between them was of the awkwardness of staying in a resort or hotel when they didn't plan to share a bedroom.

After the early evening ceremony, William insisted on taking the whole party out to dinner. Jennifer was glad. She wanted to delay as long as possible their first awkward night together.

She was charmed by Matthews's brother, Andrew, four years older and more extrovert. He and Sara,

His wife seemed to be delighted at the marriage and welcomed Jennifer warmly into the Smith family.

'Well, Mrs. Smith', Margaret whispered to her as they parted after dinner, 'be happy'. There were tears in her eyes as she hugged Jennifer.

'Sentimental i***t', Jennifer muttered, forcing a smile. She felt like a fraud.

William dropped them at their apartment, and when they got into the elevator, Jennifer automatically reached out to punch the third-floor button.

'You don't live there anymore, remember'? Matthew said easily, reaching past her to punch the sixth floor.

He looked down at her with an amused smile. She reddened and pulled her hand away quickly. 'Of course', she murmured. 'How stupid of me'.

They rode up to the sixth floor in silence, then walked down the hall together to Matthew's apartment. My apartment, too, now, she thought to herself. She felt strangely disoriented, even a little light-headed.

When they went inside and she saw her own things in the living room, where they had been moved from downstairs the previous week, her head began to clear. It would be all right, she thought, once the first awkwardness was over.

'Would you like a drink'? Matthew asked. He crossed over to the windows to draw the curtains shut. 'A cup of coffee'?

'No, thanks'. Her voice sounded a little wobbly. 'I'm rather tired. 'I think I'll turn in if you don't mind'. The tremor in her voice only got worse. I've got to get out of here, she thought wildly to herself. I've got to be alone.

Matthew came to Stand before her. She couldn't read his feelings from the impassive face and distant grey eyes, but when he spoke, his voice was gently mocking. 'Wedding night jitters, Jennifer'?

Her eyes flew open and she took a step back from him. Immediately, his grey eyes narrowed and a frown appeared on the fine features.

'Hey', he said. 'I'm only joking'. Then he smiled. 'You are jumpy. Sure you don't want that drink? Come on, I'll light the fire'.

Reluctantly, she agreed, and as they settled on the sofa in front of the flickering fire sipping drinks, she gradually began to relax. Matthew had taken off his jacket and loosened his tie. He sat now with his long legs stretched out before him, his head leaning back, his eyes closed. By the light of the flickering fire, Jennifer watched him. He seemed to be almost asleep, this man is my husband, she thought, still not quite believing she had actually gone through with the marriage. The firelight cast dancing shadows on the flat planes of his cheeks and strong jaw. the crisp dark hair was a little untidy and he had rolled the sleeves of his white shirt up, revealing strong forearms, lightly covered with fine dark hair.

She knew he would never hurt her, never willfully cause her pain. As the fire and the scotch she was drinking warmed her, she slowly began to thaw and allowed her mind to wander. She looked at his hands, large and strong with long tapering fingers, and found herself wondering how they would feel touching her.

He opened his eyes then and turned his head lazily towards her. 'Feeling better'?

She jumped a little, then smiled at him. 'Much better. It just doesn't seem quite real to me yet'.

'It'll be alright, Jennifer. You'll see'.