Untold Sorrow

Holiday

Jennifer P.O.V

After we had survived, with rueful amusement, Margaret's spectacular 'reception', I settled easily into my new life, probably, I thought, because it wasn't much different from my old one. Surrounded by my own belongings, hard at work on my drawings, even living in the same building, the Pattern of my days was much the same as it had always been.

Matthew, of course, was gone a great deal, and even when he was at home our lives were separate. Although we ate our meals together and attended social affairs as a couple, we lived almost like strangers who happened to share the same apartment. I considered Matthew's bedroom sacrosanct, as he did to mine, and for the first two weeks of our marriage, I didn't even glance inside as I passed by it. One day, however, my curiosity got the better of me, and I decided it couldn't do any harm just to take a quick look. I knew Matthew wouldn't care, and nursed the faint hope that the room might reveal some clue as to my remote husband's inner life. I was quickly disabused of that notion. Except for a pair of cuff-links on the dresser and a tie hanging over a chair, the room was as impersonal as if it had been in a hotel. The double bed was neatly made, and only the large oak desk in the far corner showed any signs of personal use.

Then I saw the photograph on the bedside table and knew, of course, that it was Beth. Drawn by an overpowering curiosity I moved over to the side of the bed and looked down at the smiling face of a young, fair-haired woman. She was breathtakingly beautiful, I thought, with delicate features and a fragile air of mystery in the slight smile, the turn of the head. The overall impression was one of the eternal feminine elusive and serene.

I felt a sudden sharp stab of jealousy. recovering myself immediately and I quickly walked back out into the hall and almost ran to the sanctuary of my own bedroom, what had got into me? I picked Up Richard's photo and gazed into the warm dark eyes. It's you I love, hugging the picture, I haven't been unfaithful. I'm not really married, and I certainly feel nothing for the dark, cold-eyed stranger who happens to be my husband.

At the wedding dinner, Matthew had promised his brother that he & Jennifer would spend the Easter weekend in May with them at the farm in Maryland. It would also be a good opportunity for him to spend some time in his constituency.

'Mending fences', he said to me as we drove through the rolling hills of northern Virginia into southern Maryland on the Thursday afternoon before Easter.

The apple blossoms were in full bloom now, perfuming the warm spring air with their heady fragrance, acres, and acres of them as far as the eye could see on either side of the winding road.

We had been married a little over a month, and glancing at him now as he drove, I realized that I didn't know my husband any better now than I had before our wedding. Well, that was the bargain, the arrangement, I told myself, and I was generally content with it.

The Smith family home was set in a wide valley near the southern border of Pennsylvania. It was a sprawling white farmhouse with well-kept stables surrounded by acres of orchard and pasture.

I warmed immediately to Sara, my new sister-in-law, and while the two men rode out to inspect the horses, we sat outside on the wide flagstone terrace drinking iced tea.

'I'm so glad you could come', Sara said after we had settled at the round glass-topped table. 'I've been dying to get to know you better'.

I was amused at her frankness, she was a short, plump, friendly woman with untidy faded blonde hair and an infectious smile. All her movements were brisk and assured, and I found myself wondering how she and Margaret would get along. They were much alike.

'It's a lovely old place' I commented. 'Have you lived here all your married life'?

'Oh, yes. We even spent our honeymoon here. Mustn't leave the horses, you know. At least, that's Andrew's excuse, He hates to travel. We have a perfectly good stable manager and trainer, but', she shrugged, 'my husband is convinced the place would fall apart without his personal supervision'.

'Where is your little girl'? I asked.' my sister has two children, both boys, and when they were younger, it seemed they were always underfoot-and highly audible'.

Sara laughed. 'Oh, Laurie is no shrinking violet. how could she be with such noisy parents? She's at a birthday party this afternoon. One of the neighbors will bring her home before dinner.

She was quite torn between going to the party and being here when Uncle Matthew arrived she dotes on him'.

Uncle Matthew, I thought. It sounded so strange. 'How old is Laurie'?

'She's six'. Sara grinned at the look of surprise I couldn't quite hide. 'I know what you're thinking how come two old like Andrew and I produced a child on the fringes of middle-age'.

I murmured a feeble protest but had to admit to myself that Sara was right. Andrew had to be forty, and Sara was not much younger.

'We waited a long time for Laurie, Sara' explained, suddenly Sober. She gave me a cautious look. 'It's none of my business, but I hope you and Matthew have better luck. He'd make a wonderful father'.

'Yes, he would', I agreed automatically. Then it came to me with a little shock that Sara was right. Matthew would be a fine father.

'Beth never wanted children, you know', Sara went on. 'Perhaps Matthew didn't either. I wouldn't know'. She smiled. 'He keeps his feelings pretty much to himself, as you've no doubt discovered. At any rate', she went on, 'he was just getting started in his political career, so it may have been a mutual

Agreement'. She paused, as if not sure of her ground. 'She was very beautiful, you know', she said slowly at last. 'Beth. Rather fragile, if you understand what I mean'.

'I've seen her picture', I said. The conversation was making me vaguely uneasy as if we were talking behind Matthew's back. 'I agree. She was quite lovely. I know Matthew loved her very much'.

'Too much, I sometimes thought,' Sara said, her voice tinged with bitterness. 'Beth liked to create an air of mystery about her. She was an elusive creature'. She stared directly at me now. 'And totally selfish'.

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. 'Sara ...' I began, wanting to put an end to the conversation, but afraid of hurting the other woman's feelings.

'Oh, I know', Sara broke in. shouldn't Speak ill of the dead. I just want you to know that I'm delighted Matthew married again, and to someone so different from Beth. You're obviously a Giving person, warm and loving, just what he needed to break Beth's hold on him once and for all. If he fell in love with you, that tells me her spell must be finally exorcized'. She smiled warmly.

Andrew and Matthew appeared just then, back from their ride, and a few minutes later Laurie returned home from her party. Caught up in the ensuing commotion, I was relieved that my conversation with Sara was cut off, but during the rest of our stay, I found myself returning to it again and again.

'Of course, Sara had no way of knowing that Matthew was not in love with me, and was actually still quite firmly held by the spell of his dead wife. Was it a spell? I wondered. Could it be broken?

Seeing Matthew with his family showed me an entirely new side of him. The iron reserve I had become so accustomed to seem to crack and gradually disappear. Andrew and Sara, both so outgoing, brought out a light-hearted aspect of Matthews's nature that I had not known existed.

Over coffee that first evening after dinner, Andrew suggested that I might like to go down to the stable to see the horses. I frowned 'I don't know. I've never been around horses'. I looked at Matthew. I'm a city girl, remember'? The truth was, I was afraid of the great beasts but didn't like to say so.

Matthew grinned. 'They won't bite. They're really quite gentle creatures'. He was leaning back in the sturdy captain's chair, one ankle crossed over his other knee, relaxed and happy. He had on a well-worn pair of blue jeans and a plaid flannel shirt, and I saw that the customary lines of tension on his face were smoothed away.

'Besides', Andrew said, 'they're all in their stalls and can't get out'. He was gazing at me with amusement in his dark eyes.

I gave him a dubious look. He was sitting next to Matthew, dressed in almost identical clothes, and pretty much the same size. Other than that, the two men were very different. Andrews's dark hair was shot with grey, his face was fuller, and his motions more abrupt and impatient.

Laurie had been staring, wide-eyed, at me throughout this exchange. Now she piped up. 'You're not afraid of horses, are you'? She asked in an incredulous tone.

'Well, no, I'd like to see them'. I said.

They set off down to the stables dusk had fallen, and the quiet countryside was peaceful and serene, the fragrance of apple blossoms heavy on the evening air.

Inside the stable, Laurie danced ahead down past the row of stalls, eager to show me her very own horse. She had been riding since she was three years old.

'His name is Prince', she said proudly, pulling me by the hand over to a stall where a mild-looking, rather small horse with liquid brown eyes stood quietly munching hay.

The stable was warm and smelled damply of horses and straw. As I gingerly approached the stall, I began to feel braver. Prince seemed gentle enough.

'Now that you're in the family, Jennifer', Andrew boomed from behind me, 'you're going to have to learn to ride'. I turned around and stared at him. I bit my lip and glanced at Matthew, standing beside his brother. He smiled at me.' there's no hurry', he said easily. 'Whenever you're ready'.

Andrew had a bag of apples in his hand, which he had fed to each horse in turn in the long row. He held one out to me now. 'Here. You can give this to Prince. It's a good way to get acquainted'.

I didn't know what to do. Surely, if Andrew and Sara let Laurie ride the horse, he must be gentle. I looked at the beautiful dappled animal. He looked quiet and friendly.

'All right', I said and took the apple from Andrews's outstretched hand. I walked slowly towards Prince, who was eyeing me with interest. I held the apple out flat on the palm of my hand. Was I supposed to put it into that huge mouth? No, I decided, let him get it himself. He couldn't quite reach it, so I took one step closer to him, leaning forward tentatively. At that moment, Prince chose to rear up playfully on his hind legs and let out a loud whiny. I gave a little shriek, dropped the apple, and turned and ran straight into Matthew's arms.

I buried my face in his chest, clinging to the rough material of the plaid shirt, more embarrassed now than frightened. I could hear the others hooting with laughter, but Matthew only stroked my back soothingly, his arms strong and comfort around me.

Finally, I looked up at him, ashamed of my panicky flight, and beginning to laugh at myself along with the others.

'Sorry Matthew', I said, grinning. 'That must have been a comical sight. Have I disgraced you in front of your family'?

He was gazing down at me, still holding me, an odd look on his face. He put a hand flat on my cheek, warm and strong, and I felt a sudden glow at how cherished this protective gesture made me feel.

'No', he said, smiling. 'Nothing you could do would disgrace me'.

It was as though we were all alone in the vast stable for that one brief moment, but then it passed as suddenly as it came. I heard Laurie calling my name, urging me to try again, and when I felt Matthew's hands slowly leave me, I turned around.

'All right, you've had your fun', I said. 'Give me another apple, and I'll show you that a city girl may be stupid about horses, but she's not afraid to try again'.

'Good girl'! Andrew shouted delightedly and handed her another apple.

This time I succeeded, and when I stood back and Watched Prince contentedly munching the apple I had given him, I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride that astonished me with its intensity.

We went back to the house, then, still laughing at me a fright and congratulating me on my bravery. I was beginning to feel that I was a real part of this strong, affectionate family.

'We'll make a horsewoman of you yet', Andrew boomed as he lit the fire in the enormous living room. 'You don't know anything about horses, but you've got guts'.

Laurie was bundled off to bed then, and I watched delightedly when the little girl climbed up onto Matthew's lap, put her arms around his neck and kissed him goodnight. Who would ever have believed that the stern Senator Smith could be like putty in his niece's hands, I thought to myself when I saw the obvious pleasure light up his face.

We sat in front of the fire drinking coffee and talking until midnight when Andrew finally stood up

Abruptly, stretched and yawned, and announced that he didn't know about the rest of us, but he had to get up early the next morning and was going to bed.

'There are no weekends on a farm', Sara explained as she led the way upstairs to the bedrooms. 'There's no need for you and Matthew - to get up early, though. Sleep as long as you like'.

They said goodnight, Matthew and I went into the bedroom that had been given to us earlier. Sara had mentioned to me that it was Matthew's old room, and there were still vestiges in it from his boyhood, a model airplane hanging from the ceiling, a shelf full of adventure books on one wall, fishing gear in a corner.

The sleeping arrangements at the farm had worried me at first, but soon I saw that the problem was easily resolved by the fact that each bedroom had a sleeping porch attached to it. Matthew turned to me now and announced calmly that he would sleep out on the screened-in porch.

'We will have to share the bathroom', he said with a humorous glint in the grey eyes, 'but Im very neat. I hang up my own towels and always screw the top back on the toothpaste'.

Still, I was troubled. 'Won't Sara realize what's going on when she sees that both beds have been slept in'?

Matthew only shrugged. 'Who cares? She won't say anything, and so long as we're satisfied with the arrangement, it's no one else's business'.

He was right, of course, I thought later as I lay in bed listening to the strange sounds of the country through the open window. There was a pond nearby, and the chirping and croaking of the frogs were almost deafening to my city-bred ears.

I was glad it wasn't Margaret's house we were staying in. nothing escaped her! If we were to spend one night in separate beds under the same roof as my sister, she'd soon ferret out the truth and confront me with it. It gave me an odd feeling to realize that Matthew was sleeping not ten feet from me out on the connecting porch. We had taken turns in the bathroom and managed to stay out of each other's way, avoiding any more intimacy than we shared in the apartment. it was all working out quite well. Wasn't it? I asked myself as I tossed and turned in the strange bed.

I thought about the way Matthew had held me, touched me, out in the stable that evening when I had been so frightened of the horse. As though we were really married, I couldn't help wondering what it would be like to be his wife in every sense of the word.

Now, that's silly, I said to myself, turning over once again. The arrangement we had was perfectly satisfactory to both of us. Matthew certainly didn't seem to want more, and neither did I. No one would ever take Richard's place in my heart. The habit of loving him was too strong ever to be broken.

'Did you enjoy the weekend'? Matthew asked as we drove back to New York on Monday morning.

'Oh, yes, very much, turning to him with a smile. I liked them both. They made me feel quite welcome'.

'Good. They liked you, too'. He met my glance briefly and smiled. 'Why shouldn't they? You're a very likable person'.

I didn't know what to reply to that. I was glad to hear that Matthew found me likable, but the words, so well-meant, left me feeling a little cold and empty.

'What's wrong, Jennifer'? I heard him ask.

'Nothing. Nothing at all', I said quickly. 'I guess I'm just digesting the weekend'.

He nodded, his eyes on the road ahead. 'The three of them can be a little overpowering at times. Not quite our style, but probably good for us both once In a while'.