HER WEAKNESS

18

When we arrived back home I became pretty determined that I wanted to try again with my family. I wanted them to meet the women I loved. I wanted them to know her like I did. I wanted to share her and our relationship with the world and not waste anymore time hiding it.

Ingrid tried convincing me out of it. She didn’t want me to get upset but I convinced her that she was worth the risk.

I left early in the morning to try and catch them before they left for the day or something but the minute my father opened the door and saw me, he slammed it closed mere seconds after. I wasn’t expecting a miracle but at least a sentence between us would have been nice.

I was ready to leave when I heard the door open again and my mother with all her shopping bags came out. She didn’t look at me and walked past me. I followed her until I was in step with her but she didn’t say anything until we were around the corner and far away from my father. ‘Are you happy?’ she asks.

‘Yes, mum.’

‘The woman?’

‘Ingrid.’ I filled in.

‘Do you- Are you in love with her?’

‘Very much so,’ I nodded.

‘How did I not not know?’ my mother asked herself more than me.

‘I didn’t even know.’ I confess. ‘I didn’t wake up one day and decide I was a lesbian. I don’t even think i’m a fully one but I love Ingrid. I’m attracted to her, no one else.’

When we got to the edge of the road, my mother stopped and looked at me. ‘As long as you’re happy then so am I. I’ll work on your father.’

‘Thank you, mum.’

It felt good to win this small victory. It felt like I was on a high and I didn't want it to end so I spontaneously called the girls from university for a girls date. We went out for dinner and drinks and when we were taking it in turns to talk about our relationships it felt good to talk about Ingrid and they were really supportive.

When the subject changed I felt a little different. We had yet to finish university but already all the other girls had accomplished so much.

What had I really achieve?

I was working in an internship where I was sleeping with my boss and even at work. I wasn’t really learning the ropes or learning anything for that matter, by the time I got home I felt down and insecure about myself.

‘How did it go?’ Ingrid asked, waiting for me in the doorway.

She pecked me on the lips and waited for my answer with a smile. She was in a good mood and I couldn’t ruin that with my depressive self doubt.

This woman in front of me other than being drop dead gorgeous was a well accomplished women and yet I was still a university student out on placement.

What happens after my course is over? I wondered.

Though it didn’t take two seconds before I knew the answer in my mind. Ingrid would give me a job. I would get everything from my powerful girlfriend. It wouldn’t be mine. I would always been the Mafia’s women.

I felt sick.

‘Amy?’

I looked up at Ingrid who was shaking my hand trying to get my attention. I shook my head. ‘Sorry I was daydreaming. What did you say?’

‘Do you want something to eat, babe?’

I nodded. ‘That sounds like a good idea.’

I let her lead me into the kitchen as my brain went into overdrive thinking about the next stages I should make. I wanted to be someone Ingrid could be proud of.