Bittersweet (English)

CHAPTER 13

Kaye stifled a groan. She kept looking back thinking Mykel would have been behind her. 

Yes, she did act fishy earlier. She was a lost cause. 

“Dumbass,” she cursed herself.

It has been complicated since both of them finally returned to their hometown. She had to lie on numerous occasions. Pretending wasn’t easy. Lying has always been her weakness. Especially having such an expressive face. Bet her friends were already suspicious of her. 

She felt that burn in her chest constantly. As long as they were all okay, that was good enough for her. She wouldn’t wish for something so far-fetched such as going back to what they were supposed to be. She wasn’t that greedy. Although she did once, resulting in the silent war she had been going through right now. 

Still, those times weren’t regrettable. She enjoyed the momentary bliss. She kept telling herself that experiencing it even in a short term was already plenty. At least she wouldn’t die ignorant of such a thing.

None of their friends had any knowledge of her affairs. Although she wasn’t great at lying, she could at least be oblivious. Well, she did want to share it on most occasions but she didn’t know how to begin.

She smiled as the familiar sensation of excitement flooded her. The good old memories hit her like a wave. At best, those moments were her lifelong treasure. 

She chuckled remembering the first time Mykel confessed. Frankly, she understood she handled the confession terribly. 

Even way back in high school, Mykel had always been tall. He even intimidated other kids that would sometimes result in a contest. 

However, she didn’t see that in him on the day he confessed. They were alone in their classroom fetching their things after club activities. It was sundown. His eyes sparkle reflecting the red and orange horizon. There was a brief moment of silence before he made his declaration.

“I love you. Will you be my girlfriend?”

“No!” 

“What?”

“Huh?”

Her response came like a bomb to him. His jaw dropped on the floor. Especially with her swift response. He felt weak and leaned over the classroom door. Now that she remembered it, she acted so stupidly. Her responses were idiotic.

She recalled sucking in her breath so hard afterward. She began stuttering as soon as she realized what he just said and how dumb she sounded. She tried to appease him by explaining what she meant. But that too, she failed miserably. She kept jumping from one thought to another. Thus creating more confusion.

She couldn’t express herself well. She was frantic that she didn’t notice that Mykel was already laughing at her efforts. 

“Alright, I get it. Forget I said that.”

It was the first time Mykel said those words in all seriousness. When they were kids, she often heard either Emily or Macy saying do you love him or her? As kids, of course, they would immediately say ‘of course'. Even as they went to elementary and high school, they kept telling each other those ‘I love you’s. 

Then she just became aware that it was different for her. She recognized those feelings when they just started their last year of high school. The teacher handed them a career plan. 

Mykel had always been clear of his plans. It was by far different from hers. She wanted to be a pastry chef and work at Macy’s cafe. Meanwhile, he wanted to be in law enforcement. Different majors. Different universities. They would be apart from each other. It was a blow. She had been so comfortable having him by her side that she forgot that they would eventually be going on separate ways. 

And so, she locked her feelings away. She kind of enjoyed the one-sided love she kept for months. It would have been harder for her if she blurted out her feelings. Anyway, it was not like she dared to confess, to begin with. Plus, Macy expected much from her so she didn’t want to disappoint her if ever she faltered.

However, she was completely caught by surprise when Mykel suddenly professed. It was mutual! Yet she said a resounding ‘no’ right away. Well, she was young at that time and was too afraid of journeying to romance. And obviously, she didn’t know how to handle the situation. 

Good thing Mykel was understanding. He didn’t react negatively. He chuckled and patted her head like usual. The next days until the graduation he seemed natural. Nothing unusual after the rejection. 

But then again, he surprised her once more when he suddenly changed his course and school. To be honest, she was relieved. She remembered telling herself they’ll never be apart after all. How naive.

Going back to the present, she found herself in front of Sweet Macy’s. It was almost eight in the morning. Since they weren’t open until ten, it was empty. She just stood there spacing out and snapped remembering she had meat and fish on her bike. 

“Heck!” She has been castigating herself lately. How could she forget when she just went to the market a few hours ago?

Indeed, she needed to calm herself. It would be necessary to return home first and store all her groceries. She stomped on her feet as she took her bike and Miko. A terrible way to start her morning.

She took a huge sigh and turned to Miko who was panting with all the exercise. “I don’t know anymore, Miko.” She told him as they slowly walked away.

The poor dog, not understanding a thing looked at her. She just wished she would be like Miko. Happily skipping around without a care for the world. Sleeping like a log even on an old bed. Chasing birds as if he could fly too. Or chow down to anything she would give him. No questions asked. Just pure innocence. Or maybe ignorance. 

Soon as she arrived, she stored the meat and fish in the fridge. Put away the fruits and vegetables, took a bath, changed, and prepared to leave.

“You stay here for now, alright?” She lifted a finger pointing at his little nose. “Guard the house and I’ll be back as soon as I’m done, okay?” 

Miko in response barked and hopped in place. He was such a lively dog. She would just expect the aftermath later when she returned home. Miko was basically a puppy after all.

She embraced Miko as she was about to step out. She had food and water prepared on the bowl just beside his bed. She just prayed he’d pee or poo on the litter box that she made. She was trying hard to teach him since he recovered. She was struggling. But by the end of the day, he would always win over her with his adorable personality.

She locked the door behind her as she left. She was about to mount on her bike when she internally cursed the location of her house. 

Few steps ahead of her was Mykel walking back home. His shift must have been over. He didn’t use his bicycle since the station was only fifteen minutes away by foot. It would have been an exercise for him anyway.

She closed her eyes firmly. Inhaled. Exhaled. Things were coming one after the other. She was still uncomfortable from this morning’s fiasco.

Unlike her, Mykel smiled and waved at her as if nothing happened at the market moments ago. He wasn’t as troubled as she was. He had his usual gentle face as he closed in.

“Going to the shop?” He asked the obvious once he was in front of her.

She smiled faintly. “Yeah, I’ve got a lot of work to do. I need to restock on some items on the menu.” 

Her heart was pounding like crazy. She was breathing in and out softly trying to compose herself. She just hoped Mykel didn’t notice how nervous she was. How she hated this part of her. That was why she would often choose the easy option. The cowardly road.

While lost in thought, Mykel grabbed her shoulder and patted her head. Still, the usual reassuring smile. She never saw the emotions in his eyes since she avoided eye contact. But Mykel had the same sorry-looking eyes he had over the past years. It was painful to endure knowing the other party made your wishes impossible.

“Alright. Good luck then, little lady. See you around.” 

Just like that, he started walking. Her eyes were still glued to the ground. She saw the steps he took passing over her. His house was a block away from hers. So whenever he left or returned home, he would be passing by her house. As long as their work time didn’t match, they wouldn’t meet.

“Alright. Thanks,” she faked a laugh.

She fought back wanting to call his name. She wanted to apologize so badly. But she knew that no matter how sorry she was, it wouldn’t be the same.

So instead, she took steps forward not even bothering to look back. She was reminded of what Macy would always tell her in these kinds of situations. 

“No matter what comes to you, face it head-on.”

But how can a person gain that strength to face the challenges in their life? For someone like her, it felt impossible. So to say, she took ways to escape. 

She always said she treasured all those memories. Especially with him. It kept her happy. As long as those memories won’t be overridden by nightmares. Though still, it haunts her periodically. It was inevitable. The decisions she made and the actions she took lead them into this situation. So as not to cause any more damage, she decided to run away and acted oblivious.

This is better. She thought to herself. Trying to convince herself that all the steps she took were for everyone’s sake. She kept looking away from her crumbling inner self. No matter how she convinced herself, she knew she was wrong. 

She didn’t have the energy to pedal on her bike. She just pushed it by hand and drown in her lack of success. 

Her heart clenched in pain. She had been collecting a heap of negativity that she couldn’t pretend to herself anymore. It would be harder to persuade her friends with this kind of uneasiness.

Tears escaped her eyes as she destroyed her own longing. She was already meters away from her house and Mykel surely would have reached his house by now. She released the sob she was trying to suppress earlier. 

She kept reassuring herself that she took an easy road. That it would be for everyone’s best interest. But deep down, she wanted to let the world know. Shout to her heart's content. Threw away all her worries. Free herself from the never-ending cycle of blame. 

But what would that cost her? Her friends. Family. And of course, Mykel. So to speak, she was afraid to lose everything. The precious people she had cherished. That was why she would rather battle her inner demons than involving anyone.