Her Broken Rainbow

I will possess your heart

"You reject my advances and desperate pleas 

I won’t let you let me down so easily

So easily"

~I will possess your heart 

Death Cab for Cutie

After dinner it was time to go back home. Sky drove Shay and Zach home before routing back to mine. The drive was nice and calm. My hand rested in his hand, on his lap. His thumb is playing circles on the back near my thumb. It was relaxing as I sat there looking out the window watching the houses pass by. 

“Have you started packing for the trip?” Sky breaks the comfortable silence. “No, I have what I want set aside but I haven’t officially packed anything yet. Have you?” I ask. 

“No,” He chuckled. “I haven’t even gotten that much done. I’m lazy when it comes to packing for trips.” I shake my head smiling at him. If he and I dated, he would have to step that up and get with the program. I’m organized. My life seems chaotic but organized chaos isn’t really chaos, is it? We pull up to my house and hesitate to get out of the car. Sky leaned over, grabbing my chin gently, turned my face towards him and touched his lips to mine in a soft slow kiss. I let out a light little moan which must have encouraged him to go further as he deepened the kiss, his hand sliding behind my head to pull me closer while the other slipped across my side and ended just above my ass as I leaned over the center console to meet him halfway. A knock on my window has me jumping away from him quicker than lightning. What greeted me was a bright smiley Shyne finger waving and staring straight at Sky. “Oh deer cheesus Shyne you scared the f**k out of me.” I said climbing out of the car, Sky following suit. “Why are you creeping around out here?” 

“Oh please, let's talk about what your naughty ass was just doing in the car a few seconds ago.” She retorts. 

“Kissing isn’t really being naughty Shyne.” I roll my eyes

“No, but it leads to naughty stuff, like the way you were strewn across the center console ready to jump his bones any second. If I hadn’t come out when I did, this poor boy would have been attacked by a s*x crazed woman. I was really saving him from your burning loins.” My face was 50 shades of embarrassed at what she said. “Shut up! I wasn’t crazed. f**k off Shyne.” I snapped at her. 

“Geez! Someone needs to get laid.” She mumbles low, but we still heard her. Sky chuckles and whispers into my ear, “I can take care of that for you.” Holy s**t did it just get hot out here? No, okay maybe just me then. Sky walked me to the door and gave me another toe curling kiss before bidding me goodnight and driving off into the sunset. Well, maybe not into the sunset but the butterflies in my stomach and the daze of happiness I was in made it that romantic. I walk inside, close and lock the door behind me before going to the kitchen where it sounds like Shyne and my mom are doing dishes. 

“Hey those flowers came for you today.” My mother greets me, pointing at the dinning table where a large vase with what looks like 2 dozen blood red roses sit. Pretty I think as I look for a card. Stuffed deep in the flowers I find it on the card stem they put it in. The envelope was small, one of those little flower shop cards you write cute messages on. I don’t know who would have sent me flowers, unless Sky did and wanted it to be a surprise. But that's so doubtful. I open the envelope and read the card. My heart drops to the floor and my knees go weak. My mind blanked out and all I could hear was jumbled chatter from someone far away and a loud buzz all around. The air was getting thick and I was finding it hard to breathe. My mom was suddenly in front of me, I could see her lips moving but I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. Shyne grabbed the card from my hand and read it aloud, though I couldn’t hear the words she was saying I knew what it read. 

Soon Beautiful, you’ll be in my arms again. Soon.

C. 

******

It’s 3 am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’m pacing in my bedroom trying to calm down and go to bed but sleep evades me as I try to process everything following my return home. My mother called the cops and reported the flowers and the message on the card. There is already a record and restraining order that is in place for when he gets out of the juvenile facility. I’m not sure how it works, but I’m pretty sure he shouldn’t have access to ordering flowers. Would he? That’s besides the point. The point is he’s getting out and he’s just shown me that he plans to find me. He’s coming for me. I knew it! I f*****g knew this would happen. Just when I was starting to feel like life could be normal, he had to just come blasting into my peace and happiness like the kool aid man through a wall. f**k! My mom asked the officers if they could confirm his release date and coincidentally it’s the same day as my birthday. April 3rd. It’s currently the end of January, the 28th to be exact. I have 4 weeks and 5 days. Four f*****g weeks and five days until this maniac is released into society and comes for me. Four weeks and Five days until my stalker is free to do as he wishes. No restraining order will keep this man away from me and it hits like a brick to my face that I’m not safe. Not anywhere and no one close to me is safe too. If he can shoot my friend point blank, aiming for me to begin with, he won’t be above harming one of my family or friends again. This is a disaster. 

I drink the rest of my cup of tea. In an effort to find sleep, I made a cup of my favorite sleepy time tea. It usually works but I’m not feeling even close to sleeping. Every little creek has me jumpy and looking in all directions in case he jumps out of nowhere. I have a date. There is a specific date that will allow me enough time to prepare emotionally, mentally and physically. Enough time to form some kind of plan to be ready. I need to learn how to use a gun. I need self defense classes. I need help. I need to talk this out, I can’t do this alone. I’m beyond scared with absolutely no idea on how to even function right now. The walls are closing in and the world seems too far away for me to formulate a coherent thought. I’m plunging deep into the abyss without a life jacket and no knowledge on how to swim. I’m losing myself, what do I do? I reach for my phone and send out the text I hoped I’d never have to send. “Pan-Pan.” Hopefully they don’t see this until tomorrow morning. Pan-Pan is an international radio signal. When used it alerts the authorities about an emergency on a vehicle, ship or plane. We talked about this and agreed we needed a phrase or code word that we each could decipher but not many others would. So if we were in an awkward situation and needed an out but there wasn’t danger then we’d text Pan-Pan and the others knew it was time to bail someone out of a sticky situation. 

Less than 2 minutes later my phone chirps indicating a message received. I unlocked my screen and opened the group chat to see Zoe responded saying Yanna’s Cafe at 8 am. Shay and Alaria sent the thumbs up emoji, so I did as well as saying thank you. I put my phone on the charger and laid down on my bed, squeezing my joker stuffie and hoping sleep comes soon without any unexpected mental trailers. A thought crosses my mind as sleep starts to take me. I can change my name and move. He’ll never find me. 

It’s 7 am, my phone alarm rings out waking me up from the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. Carson was out and found us in Florida. He shot and killed everyone and was just leveling the barrel of the gun to my forehead when my alarm woke me up. Never have I ever been so happy to be woken up by my alarm. I get out of bed and pad to my bathroom and strip out my clothes. I hadn’t even changed when I got home so I was still in the clothes I borrowed from Alaria when we went to dinner. I turned the water on and let it get hot. Standing in front of the mirror I stare at the woman looking back at me. Where there once was eyes that held potential and strength. Passion and compassion. Love and happiness, now was empty. Blank and lifeless. Grey and heavy. My soul felt dirty and claustrophobia sat at the edge of my mind waiting for me to look away so it could close in on me. Once under the water, I scrubbed my body to the point where it turns red and feels raw. I feel my legs buckle and my knees hit the bottom of the shower as my body collapses. I can’t help the tears that escape my eyes as I sit there and grieve my freedom. My sanity, my safety. In the blink of an eye I went from feeling safe to feeling like I have to watch over my back every second of the day. I will never feel safe again. In a month and 5 days my comfort will be completely shattered and I wont know if or when he will strike. Get a grip Raenn. You're strong, well at least stronger than this. Then just sitting in the bottom of your shower, crying like a helpless child. No! I’m not helpless. I’m strong! I am a lioness and I can fight for myself. I am a f*****g fighter and will not back down to no man ever. I”m a f*****g survivor! I am strong. 

With that thought I got back up and finished washing myself. I get ready in record time and head downstairs to get some coffee. It’s 7:30 am and I have time until Shay shows up to pick me up. Neither of my girls thought it a good idea to let me drive so Shay volunteered to pick me up since I’m close anyway. I walk into the kitchen to find my mother awake making breakfast, the smell of coffee wrapping my head in a small bubble of morning happiness. “Good morning Mama, how did you sleep?” I kiss her cheek as I pass her on my way to the coffee maker. I begin making the biggest cup I can find in the cupboard. 

“Honestly?” She asks. I nod and she turns to me, right hand on her hip, left hand resting on the stove. “Like s**t. I wanted to hunt him down and kill him myself. I wanted to go to your room and pack your stuff up and take you far away from here. I wanted to hide you from him, the world. One of the most precious gifts of my life is suffering and I can’t help her. I saw your light from under the door. What time did you finally get to sleep?” She asks. 

I’ve got tears forming and my vision is blurring. “Some time after 3.” I reply in a quiet voice. I turn away and grab my coffee before sitting at the island on a stool. “I’m terrified mom. I’m f*****g terrified and I hate it. I feel weak. I need a drink. f**k. The girls and I are going to have breakfast at Yanna’s in like 20 minutes.” I told her. 

“I wish I had something better than I know baby it will be okay, to tell you. We’ll figure this out Raenn Bo. I promise you that much. Will you be coming back for your stuff after breakfast or are you taking it all to Alaria’s straight after breakfast?” She asked. 

“I’m just gonna take my luggage with me so we don’t have too many stops today. We have a few things to get before we all meet at Alaria’s. Speaking of which, that’s Shay now. I love you mom, I’ll be ok. Just still in shock I think but I’ll be ok. This prick isn’t going to ruin my vacation. I’ve been looking forward to this for months!” I told her as I checked my phone, knowing it was more than likely Shay. She’s waiting outside for me. I hugged my mom and ran towards my room to get my bags. Running down the stairs I holler one last goodbye before shutting the door behind me. 

“Alright listen, I know you enacted code Pan-Pan but I don’t want you to say a word about why until we’re all in the booth at Yanna’s. Without giving me details, how did you sleep? How bad?” She asked when I got situated in the passenger seat. 

I sighed heavily before responding. “Well I didn’t fall asleep until after 3 am, and even when I finally did it was the worst dream of my life.” I want to get this out so bad I am having a hard time holding it in for the drive. But I understand why she wants me to wait. It's like an abuse victim, sometimes it’s worse on them the more times they repeat the details of their trauma. For me I don’t want to talk about this past breakfast so better get it out at once and be done with it for the next week. One last week until I have to start self defense training again. I’m also planning to go to a gun range and practice handling a gun. Our family friend, Officer Thomas has known me and my family for so many years now, since I was in elementary school. He was there when everything went down. He helped me learn how to handle a gun, how to shoot and he got me in touch with a self defense trainer. It’s been a while since I stopped meeting with the trainer, Adam. Officer Thomas and I meet at the range periodically but even those sessions are few and far between lately. The car stops and I look up to see we’ve arrived at the restaurant. Getting out, Shay directs me towards our regular booth in the back corner. The girls are all already here. 

“Okay, now spill.” Zoe says sliding over a cup of coffee. I sigh loud, where to begin.