Unmasked Desires

One of my favourite person growing up was Winston Churchill. Not that I ever got to meet him, but his words were a source of strength for me at times of need. I came across one of his quotes one evening while returning home from a failed job interview. Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts. That quote encouraged me to keep pursuing and to never give up hope, but lately hope seemed to be a dream exclusively unavailable to me. The kitchen noise snapped me out of my thoughts. Mugs clinking, plates clattering, and the annoying noise my sister’s feet was making against the wooden floor shook me out of my slumber. Jessica, was pacing around like she was racing against time. I watched her from my bedroom doorway leaning my hand against it to find my balance. Jessica’s auburn hair was shaped into a tight bun, a couple rebellious strands falling against her face. Not sure she noticed my presence, as she continued moving gracefully as if her upcoming nursing shift had nothing on her. “Morning” I mumbled, trying to shake off the little sleep in my eyes. Jessica turned, her hazel eyes soft as she offered me a simple smile. “Did I wake you?” “A little bit. When are you returning to your apartment ?” I moved closer to the kitchen, resting my head on the wooden countertop. “I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow morning. The repairs would be completed tonight.” She poured herself a cup of coffee before handing me a half-filled mug. The frigid morning sir coming in through the window contrasted to the warmth of the mug in my hands. Since our parents passed away, Jessica had always been the strong one. Although she was only a year older than me at twenty five, she was the glue that held our small world together for a lot longer. Responsible Jess, I often teased her. She had a knack of doing the right thing always. We rarely fight, she’s quick to avoid conflict even when I was at fault. I guess she just wanted us to be cool at all times and we were throughout our lives. “How’s your job hunt coming along?” She asked, her voice firm and probing. I shook my head “Disastrous. I sent out over ten applications last week. It was pointless. Nothing came of them.” Pity filled Jessica’s face and if one didn’t know better, one would assume she was the one in a dilemma. “I know it’s tough sis. Constantly putting yourself out there without so much as a recognition. But if someone can get through this, it’s you. Don’t give up Elena. It’s gonna be worth it in the end.” I admired her optimism, but I wasn’t sure I was a believer of it. Ever since COVID hit leading to the loss of my last job two years ago, it felt like I was stuck in a mud pile, and no one wanted nothing to do with me. Regardless of how hard I tried to get out of the mud, it kept holding me back. I glanced at her, worry etched into her face despite her feeble attempts to hide them. She did everything for us, even when I declared my independence and got my own place, Jessica was there at the slightest of discomfort and I just hated my inability to handle my s**t. “I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong?” I muttered, defeat slowly creeping in. Jessica moved towards me, reaching for my hands over the countertop. “Just keep pushing. Something will come for you.” Her words played at my heart strings but the excessive failure I had suffered had already engraved a doubt I couldn’t destroy. “I’m running late. I’ve gotta go. We’ll talk more about this later okay.” She kissed the top of my head before grabbing her handbag and hurried out the door. And just like that, I was alone in my misery. Jess reminded me of Churchill’s quote; it’s the courage to continue that counts. With Jess around, giving up wasn’t going to be an option but how much failure can a young woman endure before it eventually becomes one? Just then, my phone vibrated against the table, declaring for my attention; it was a message from my best friend Mia. Hey boobae, let’s meet up at Sweetleaf later? Around 10ish? I need a break from this hellhole of a week. A smile found it’s way across my face. Mia had a way of brightening the gloomiest of days. Besides Jessica, she was the only friend I had that truly understood my plight as we’re both practically unemployed. I put away my phone and finished my now-cold coffee before returning to the comfort of my bedroom to catch a few more zzzs before heading out to meet Mia. The familiar rowdiness of NYC welcomed me as I stepped out my apartment. The city was alive with people rushing by the sidewalk to get things done, cars were honking at each other in traffic, nearby steam from food trucks went up to the clear blue sky and graffiti covered walls all screamed Brooklyn. I made it to Sweetloaf Coffee Roasters, one of the most famous cafe in NYC. The place was alive with the morning crowd, the scent of coffee and freshly baked pastries filled the air as the outdoor street noise got replaced with cool jazz music. I spotted Mia, her messy blonde curls and yellow sundress distinguishing her from the crowd mostly in suits. She was waiting at our regular table near this huge glass frame. “Finally!” She grinned, pulling me into a quick hug as I sat down. “I thought you’d bailed.” “And miss a chance to complain about life with you.” I teased, settling into the chair. Mia rolled her eyes, flagging down a barista. “ So how have you been? I feel like we’ve not seen each other in ages.” We ordered coffee and pastries, and for a while, it felt good to just be with her, venting about the endless cycle if job applications and rejections. “Why do you think I’m in freelancing? Mia asked between sips of her latte. “None of us have it figured out, no matter what social media says. We just fake it until something finally clicks.” “I just wish something would work already. I’m living off Jessica and I claimed independence... I feel worthless.” Mia reached across the table, gently squeezing my hands. “Nothing worthwhile comes easy. Something will click Elena, just hang in there.” I appreciate Mia’s optimistic words but if only she knew just how much of hanging in I’ve done for a year now. We conversed unto lighter topics till late noon. I returned home and immediately sank into my couch. Not sure how long I was there, before my door creaked open. Jessica was back. She walked in, looking like her life was drained out of her. “Long day?” I asked, scooting over to the side for her to sit. “You have no idea.” She responded wearily. She kicked off her shoes and tossed her bag on the table before walking off to the bathroom. Later that evening, we settled for some quality movie tune. Just as we picked a movie, my phone vibrated. “Jessica!” I screamed. “Jesus, Elena! What’s the matter?” She asked wondering what garnered such a shout from me. “One of the applications I sent last week just got back to me with an interview for the job tomorrow.” I started excitedly “Caldwell Enterprise wants to hire a secretary and P.A for their new C.E.O.” I finished apprehensively. “That’s huge E.” Jessica said, more excited than I was. “Jess..... We’re talking about Caldwell... CALDWELL... It’s one of the biggest firms in the country... That’s a far out dream. I only applied as a dare from Mia. It’s not my zone. They’ll never pick me.” I hesitated, hitting myself with a hard reality check. Jessica faced me squarely, her expression serious. “ Listen to me sis, this is what you’ve been preparing for. An opportunity... a chance at new horizons... Yes it’s a billion dollar corporation ... so what?... You can achieve whatever you set your mind to. You are good enough.” In that moment, I remembered a line from Eminem’s hit song lose yourself it said; you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime opportunity. As far-fetched as it seem, I should still try. “Okay. Interview tomorrow it is.” I whispered. And in that moment, the hope that I believed excluded me suddenly filled my chest, the possibility of bagging Caldwell Enterprise was that shot I needed for a chance at New Horizons and I was going to give it my absolute best.