Chasing Euphoria

Chapter 2

I stood on the counter as I watch the ingredients that I bought. I really liked cooking and they said it taste good so I pursue it.

I shuffled my playlist and Got7's You Are started playing. It made me smile, it's my favorite, after all.

I started doing the chicken natsu step by step. It's an easy dish so it did have a hard time.

I finished my work and put some on a proper plate because I suddenly remember my offer to the guy across my room. I don't even know him yet I'll give him the food that I made.

I knocked three times before he opened it. Three times is already embarassing for me.

"Sorry, I have my headphone on. I did not hear it immediately."

I handed him the plate.

"It's okay. Please give me the plate back, that was my only plate."

He laughed and nodded.

"Do you want to come in?"

"No, that would be awkward. I'll stay here, make it fast."

He laughed again and turned his back at me. Fortunately, he managed to give it back immediately. The plate is already clean.

"Thank you for the food."

"Okay. I'll go back na. I have something else to do."

I saw him supressing his laugh. I really don't get him, he seem to be laughing at me but I don't get myself either. I am not offended. I should be offended.

I prepared my meal as soon as I entered my room. I sat in front of my study table and prepared my ipad. I'll write my to do list while eating.

I started my list with joining a photojournalism team. I really want to be one since I was on my junior high. I just did not have the opportunity to be one because of my anxiety. Now, I'll make sure that I will be part of it, no matter what.

I continued writing and managed to create a lot. It was surprising because I never realized that I want to do so many things. It feels good to have something that you'll look forward to.

I finished doing the list of things that I want to do so I decided to write the things that I'll buy tomorrow for my house. I want to make it feel like home.

I opened my phone after I did my stuffs. I saw Keira's message, she's telling me the guy that she's into. He looks good. We talked for a while and she bid a goodbye first. She said she's going to finish the book that she's reading-- which reminded me to buy some books.

It's 10 am when Mom knocked on my door. I was busy fixing my face when they came so I needed to move faster because Zion, my brother, will get angry at me because I am making them wait.

"You look dumb."

I said as I went outside and saw him sitting on my sofa and doing literally nothing.

"I guess so. Shut up."

"Zae, I missed you." I carried and kissed my two year old sister who is busy with her business.

I put my bag on and went straight to my Mom who is busy looking at my kitchen.

"Mom, let's go. I'll carry Zae." She nodded and went outside. Zion followed her and I locked my door. Zae is a good kid so she's not complaining about me carrying her.

We're already outside the building and I saw Dad on the car. He smiled warmly so I waved my hands a little.

We arrived at the mall after ten minutes. This is exactly the reason why I chose this place. It's close to the places where I want to go every free time.

"I think I just need a small one."

They assisted us politely. I bought some plates and glasses. Mom told me to buy all the stuffs that I need so I picked the things that caught my eye. It's not really too much but I find it many because the fridge is the only thing I'm supposed to buy.

They paid and brought the things on the car. We waited inside because we'll have lunch here, just like what my Dad wanted.

"Did you get your schedule already?"

Mom asked while we're waiting for our food. I nodded.

"Yes. It wasn't hectic but the start is 8 am, I think I'll have a hard time regarding that topic."

"I see. I hope you can manage your time soon and will still be able to go home every important occasions."

My eyes widen and realized that they might think I won't come home often.

"Of course, I will. What made you think that way?"

"I just thought you don't want to come home often because of our relatives. I'll understand if you don't want to go home every family reunion but go home for us."

I nodded and looked at Dad. He was also waiting for my answer.

"Is it really okay if I don't attend reunions? I don't really feel good about it, Mom. They keep messing up with my head."

I was smiling while saying that but I know she feel bad about it. She saw my pain, after all.

"Of course. I'm thinking about not going this year, too. Maybe we can come up with some excuses. Do you want to go, Zion?"

I looked at my brother and he looked at my Mom with disbelief.

"They keep talking s**t about her, why did you expect me to like it? I'm only there because you were there. It's true that I like my cousins but they can always go to our house. We can talk s**t about our relatives, too."

We laughed at him because he look so serious with his answer. A seventeen year old guy who think this way is my biggest reason why I like my family.

"I'm glad that you are slowly speaking up about it. It's okay to hate them, I don't mind. They deserve it, anyway. I would always choose you over them."

I nodded and smiled at her. I know she's only talking to them because I told her to not feel bad about it. I never wanted to ruin their bond as a family that was build even before I came.

But true enough, I am allowed to feel angry over things that I feel bad about. And it will never be invalid.

I was busy organizing the things I bought yesterday when my phone vibrated. I checked it for a while and saw that it was our subjects and Professors.

I went back to cleaning. Luckily, my Dad already placed my fridge next to the sink just like what I wanted. It looks good in that place.

I finished organizing my stuffs and since I have decided to buy my groceries today, I immediately went to my room to prepare. I can actually buy the groceries with them yesterday but I told Mom that I want to go alone because in that case, I can manage to control what I'd like to buy. I happen to buy random stuffs when it's their money and it's not healthy for me.

I was wearing a hoodie and a short along with my black snickers to make it look clean. I smiled at myself when I finished putting my make up and gave myself a pat. I look good.

To be honest, I used to look at myself and think that everything about me was normal until they pointed it out. There, I slowly became anxious and think that my entire face look annoying. I don't really get what's the purpose of pointing out someone's flaws, it was honestly something that you can't control. And someone... already saw the things that you see in them and is working on it.

I arrived at the mall and immediately went inside. I need to make it fast because I'll be watching a drama.

I was on the meat area when I saw him. He was actually looking at me so he immediately smiled when he saw me looking at him. I saw him pushing his cart towards my direction, so I went back to choosing the meat. Oh my god, I forgot to smile back. But it doesn't matter, I think.

"You saw me today, huh. You did not see me when I was on the bus from school and I was literally beside you that time and yesterday when I was behind you while you were locking your door."

Oh? He was there. I did not see him at all. My Mom told me that I am unconscious with people's eyes since before, probably the reason why I looked unapproachable. I just think that everyone's looking at me without even checkinh if they really do.

"I did not know. I tend to focus on myself too much because I think everyone's looking at me. You see, I happen to get anxious over stuffs that I am not even sure about, just like how I am not sure if they're really looking at me with judgement."

I saw his worried eyes before I avoided it. It was my first time saying it. I actualy... never thought that I'll say it to him.

He did not say anything and continued picking for his stuffs. I was about to go to the cashier when I realized that he's still behind me.

"Are you going home after?"

"Yes, actually."

"Do you want a ride?"

"Oh? Why?"

I saw him suppressing his laugh. I probably looked so confused, that's why.

"Nothing special. I'll go to the same building as you so I think it would be easier."

I nodded. It's true.

"Okay, I'll go to the cashier. And I'll go there."

I pointed the coffee shop across this store. He smiled and nodded.

"I'll go there, too. Wait for me."

I nodded and went to pay. The cashier smiled at me. Cute. There's something about people who smile often, I find them adorable. Maybe the reason why I find him nice.

I went to the coffee shop and ordered a box of cake and donut for take out. I also bought a coffee so I sat there waiting for him.

I realized that I bought too many things. I'm glad that I did not bring my bag anymore, and they put groceries to an eco bag. But it's still kinda handful, though I can manage. I'm glad I did not buy heavy stuffs.

"You see, my friends saw you at the coffee shop before. Do you remember?"

My eyes widen and realized that he was there.

"You belong to the group? I didn't know. Though I met one of your friends in front of the building because she approached me. So, you're Jae?"

He laughed and nodded.

"I did not know that you met her. And I did not expect that she'll approach you even though she keep on saying that you look cute that day."

"What the fuck."

I mumbled and he happened to hear it. He laughed and nodded. Oh good god this is so embarassing.

"I get it. My friends think that you look tall and you look rich. They also have the money but they say you look different kind of rich. They find you eyes pretty, so am I."

I smiled. It was a genuine smile, only to find myself crying in front of him. He looked as shocked as I am.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry."

I laughed it off but he still looked serious. He gave me a tissue and looked away.

"Thank you. It was nice to hear that."

He nodded, still not looking at me.

"Not everyone who look at you think bad about you. And not everyone you think who look at you are really looking at you. Some are as conscious as you, so you don't have to worry."

That's right. Some are as afraid as me, some has no time to judge other people because they are too occupied with their own problem. And some who think bad of me... doesn't matter at all.

That's true. I don't look at people because I think my eyes will make them insecure just like how some eyes made me feel bad about myself.

It's a progress to realize this. I am glad.

"They also said you look powerful. You see, they did not saw fear in you. They saw your will. It's all in our head, so make sure you clear them slowly."

I nodded and smiled at him.

"Thank you. It's a big thing to me. I'm on the process. This helped."

He nodded and looked away. He did not smile the whole time he was talking. He just looked angry for some reason.

His eyes looks good.

We're on his car and I realized that I do not know what her friend's name.

"Who is she? I did not have the chance to ask, eh."

"The girl who told you my name? Kaye. How the f**k did she manage to say my name and not hers."

"Oh, I asked her if she's living there. She said no and say that you're the one who live there."

"I see."

We arrived and we're in front of our doors when I said thanks. He nodded and smiled a little.

I organized the foods and drinks that I bought. I'm a sucker for milk so I think I bought a little too much.

I took my time to watch kdrama until 5 pm. Since I want to eat on a convenience store today, I did not bother to change my clothes and went straight to the store.

I was on the cashier when she looked at me and smiled.

"I see you here often. Even when you're walking outside. I just think that you look nice and you seem to be calm and collected. Keep that aura."

My eyes widen when I realized that it's the second time someone told me that today. It feels good that some people look at me that way. It feels warm.

"Oh, no. Thank you, I appreciate it."

She smiled and nodded. She then asked if I'll eat here, and I said yes.

I was busy watching nct dream's performance while eating. It's actually nice to eat here because only few people go here to eat, most of them leaves after they buy something. I guess I can make this place a comfort area.

An hour has passed when I decided to go in my dorm. I immediately went to my bed to sleep, but I found myself counting every compliment I've got my entire life.

"I remember Faith saying that my nose looked so defined. It looks great, she said."

"Mom said I have a shiny hair, and it looks good on me."

"Dad said he adore me for being sweet all the time."

"They say I look calm and collected."

"My classmates used to say that I have a talent in writing."

I put five fingers up and it made me realize that people around are not as harsh as I thought. They actually see good things in me, and it makes me feel sad. I was so harsh to myself to the point where I never had the chance to say I did great, once in my life.

"And he said that my eyes look great."

I looked at the mirror to see how it looked like. Narrowed and black eyes. It looked great... but it look so sad and scared. I looked at my phone to see the photos of me that Faith took years ago.

A smile that is nothing but genuine, and eyes that look so... bright and happy.

I guess I stayed too much in the dark. It's time to heal... this time, there's no stopping.

"I have decided to bring you back, but a little bit more powerful, so don't feel overwhelmed. Just give me some time, you are going to be someone who fears nothing... but to lose herself."

Few hours after calming down, I checked the schedule that was sent earlier. I wrote it on a sticky note as a reminder, it's more effective that way.

I woke up earlier than usual. This way, I'll be able to get used waking up early. Though I know I'll lose my focus sooner.

I cooked an egg and fried rice. s**t, I like living this way.

I took a bath and finished everything at 7:30 am. My class will start at 8 so I think it's good to go now. But I guess it will be too early, so I'll wait for a while.

I sat at the back near the window. I don't think anyone sits here because... it's first day, I think.

Our first subject will be Communication Skills. It will be really something where I am lacking. Fun, right?

Come to think of it, I was never reallt nervous everytime I'm speaking in front of the class as long as I am prepared. So this is not really a problem.

And I think I need to look at everything as if they are all a chance to heal. Helping myself is the only thing I can do for now.

The first class was done. A new teacher came and it happened to be our adviser. She said she'll announce something today.

"So, it is about the clubs. I am in charge in sports, who would like to join?"

Some of them asked questions and they immediately agree to participate. I don't know how am I going to apply for journalism club, though.

"Ah, as for other clubs, there's an announcement on the bulletin board regarding the schedules of different clubs. You can go there later and check."

She smiled and went outside. One more class and we're done for today.

I went straight to the bulletin board when our Professor left. I'm glad that I studied the areas last Friday, it did not bother me anymore.

The announcement was posted today. It's on the 4th floor of the building behind this board. Too much walking for me today, huh.

I knocked and someone opened it immediately. I see that only few people go here to apply. They might find it boring.

After minutes of waiting, a woman came to me and smiled. I gave a little smile and she started talking.

"What position do you apply for?"

"Photojournalism."

She nodded and smiled at me.

"Only few apply for that position. I'm glad. Did you go to a competition before?"

I nodded and suddenly remembered those days. I was never really the best but they treated me as if I'm one. I often come home with a medal but I feel like it's not enough and I need to do more.

You see, I pressured myself too much for nothing. It never helped me at all.

"Good. Can you send me a sample? A photo and an explanation about it."

"Should I send it via email?"

"Yes, please. Do it here before you leave. That way, we'll be able to review it and give a quick response as soon as possible."

I nodded and sat on the chair that she pointed. This seems nice. A little comfortable. Not too silent but not too noisy either.

I wrote it and sent it after reviewing. It's a little bit too much pressure to me so I went home straight to sleep.

I woke up to cook. I'll eat salad tonight.

I checked my phone and a email notification showed. I opened it immediately only to be welcomed by a good news.

"Hello, this is the journalism club. We would like to congratulate you for passing the test and we welcome you as a part of a team. We inform you to join the club meeting tomorrow, 6 pm, to have a brief review regarding our project two months from now. Thank you and welcome home, Denisse!"

I am happy. It's not new to me but it is a new feeling.

Maybe because I have reasons now. Maybe because I want to use this as an opportunity to leave the place where I used to hide. Maybe this time... it will be the hope that I have been wishing for.

It's time to start healing. For the better and best version of me.