Chasing Euphoria

I locked myself in my room after I heard my relative's unnecessary comments about my face. A woman who can't take care of herself, your acnes are annoying, you did nothing to improve your appearance. Words that are completely irrelevant and not asked for. I often find myself thinking about it in a way that I sometimes agree with it. I see myself as someone who they think I am. It became my definition of myself every time I see my reflection in a mirror. I hated myself too much that I slowly accepted their words and never considered being kind to myself. That's how life works, it's true that I don't fit in society's standard of beauty. I snapped back to reality and decided to prepare the things that I'll bring to my dorm. I am a 1st year accounting student in a known University here in Philippines, UPLB. The whole time I was preparing for this, I have decided to use this chance to heal and be someone who will choose herself all the time. Of course, I'll have a hard time adjusting in a new environment. But that will make it more interesting knowing that this might be my first step to my goals. "Denisse, did you prepare your things already?", Mom asked calmly behind my door. I smiled and opened my door to let her come in. "Yes, Mom. I've been preparing for a week now, I just checked it today to make sure I prepared the necessary stuffs." She smiled and caressed my hair. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of her hands. "Please learn how to voice out the things you want to say. Stop them from making you feel inferior. Slowly, okay?" She's been reminding me this exact thing for years now. I may not have the courage to speak for myself every time they say mean things to me, my family never failed to speak for me. They never made me feel less and I feel so valued. "I'll work on it, Mama. Thank you for standing with me all the time." "Okay, love. Know that you have us. Let's go, your Dad is waiting." I picked up my things and followed her outside. True enough, my Dad is waiting inside the car. Dad smiled at me warmly, just like how he always do. After I organized my things, I went inside the car.They are both sending me to my university. I just realized while looking at them in front of me that they did so much for me. They are behind me every time I take another step closer to my goals, encouraging me with so much love. They never failed to become my emotional strength and I will forever be grateful for that. "Mom, it's going to be a two hour ride, right?" "Yes, love. Sleep for a while. We will wake you up." I nodded and gave myself the rest that I needed. "Do you want some coffee?", Mom asked calmly after she wake me up with light pats on my shoulder. "Yes, please. Thank you." She went inside the cafe together with my Dad. I looked outside and saw a group of friends laughing while walking. They seem happy, their laughs made me smile unconsciously. I lost my attention on them after I realized that I need some food. I did not eat this morning because my relatives are there. I took my phone and fixed my hair that got messed up while sleeping. I walked inside the cafe and saw the group that I was looking at few minutes ago. My anxiety has risen when I saw them suddenly stopped talking and looked at me. That's... scary. I avoided their eyes and immediately went to my Mom. She's on the line while looking at the menu. "Mom, add some chocolate cake, please. I'm a little bit hungry." She looked at me worriedly and nodded. "But... don't you want to eat some pasta? We can eat here." My eyes widen when I saw a person from that group slowly approaching the line. "No. Just... just the cake and the coffee, Mom. I'll go inside the car." I did not wait for her answer and immediately went to the door. I did not look back, I am afraid of those eyes. I am worried that they might see the worst in me just by looking at my face. It's scary, and I don't think I'll overcome this. This is the nightmare that I've been experiencing for years now. I never wanted this. This is my fault... for feeling this way. I was silent the whole time we're on the car. They often look at me through the mirror but never dared to say anything. They know my limits so they did not force me to talk about it anymore. We arrived and bid our goodbyes. I already calmed myself when they brought me to my room so we had a proper talk before they left. I am lucky to have a family that never invalidates my feelings or pressure me to heal faster. They give me time to heal because they know that I have my own phase. It is always like that. They know my boundaries that's why they would never ask and will just give me enough time to find my peace. They will wait for me to talk about it... and that makes me feel validated. But thing is... I use the time that they give me to blame myself in everything. I was never kind, nor tried to be one, to myself. I never gave myself some silence. It was always loud but I later on get used to it. It was never a healing, it is simply hatred. Not for other people but directly to myself. I believed in their opinions about me like it is the only thing that matters. Maybe because after all, even I... don't know who am I. I fixed my things and cleaned myself afterwards. It was a long day so I decided to go to bed. I am tired and drained because of my thoughts. It was... too much for today. The next day went by smoothly. I went to the mall to give myself some time to learn and adjust in this new environment. It was fun because I really enjoyed myself. I arrived at my dorm before lunch. As I was walking on my way to my room, a familiar face appeared. She seemed as shocked as I am, but she approached me when she came back to her senses. Oh, to be an extrovert. "You're the girl from yesterday, right?", She said with a smile on her face. I nodded and gave her a small smile. She's pretty and she looks smart. She looks like that one active student when it comes to competitions in school, I think. "You know what, we find you cute. We did not had the chance to approach you because you seem distant. But yes, you are cute!" My eyes widen in amusement because she's so nice and straightforward. What a way to make me envy her for being outgoing. "Oh, not really! But thanks. You guys are adorable, too! I guess having a large circle of friends makes your group look cool. " Wow! That was the first time I complimented a stranger and it feels good. "Oh? We caught your attention, huh. I guess it's a pleasure to get your attention because you seem calm." "You can say so. Do you live here?" "No. Jae, my friend, is the one who lives here. He's from UPLB so it's more convenient to live here. We're going in his room, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend. " Good god, why does it have to be this awkward. One of her friends live here? I don't know but it makes me feel uncomfortable because they are really intimidating. Or maybe I'm just really panicking over everything. "I am going to UPLB, too. It's nice that he find this place more convenient so I guess I wouldn't have a hard time to adjust." "That was nice! Maybe you can drop by?" "Oh, sorry. I have to do something, eh. Maybe next time." For god's sake I would never allow myself to stumble with one of them anymore. "That's sad. Next time, then!" "Yup! I'll get going, then. See you around!" She smiled and waved her hand. I turned my back and sighed loudly when I took four steps away from her. Five minutes shouldn't be that long, that was tiring. I was approaching my room and the door accross my room opened. The guy was wearing a white shirt and a sweatpants. He looks good, though. I saw him staring at me and surprisingly, I stared back without hesitation. It was a comfortable stare, for some reason. I left his eyes when I opened my door. I entered my room, still unable to figure out why I find him peaceful. I opened my i********: account and saw a post from a mental health page that I follow. "You are not who they say you are." It was short yet... mind opening. I never experienced this kind of feeling. This one is painful... but my heart is full of eagerness at the same time. It was a warm feeling and the next thing I knew is tears are flowing. It is full of emotions that I failed to acknowledge. Emotions that I failed to recognize. When did I even come to the point where I lost myself? It was faster than now that I am thinking about it. I have lost myself... because I did not listen to it. My silent heart wasn't silent at all. It screamed but I did not listen. It asked for help, but I did not offer a hand. I am not silent like what they think of me. I was busy... trying to ignore the shouts in my head. It was messy, that it became normal. These tears are for myself whom I neglected. The tears of a person who caged herself for a long time. I calmed down after minutes of breaking down. The tears this time is satisfying, I must say. I wonder what made me cry today. Nothing triggered me before, no matter how many pages I follow. No matter what words I read. It was never like this. The next day's schedule was stressful. I had to go to the campus because they allowed us to. The start of classes is still next week. They say it's going to be an orientation so... I am sitting here on this bus, seven on the morning, still on the process of waking myself up. I am looking at the window, minding my own business. I did not even saw what kind of faces I am with. That's going to be tiring. Minutes passed and the bus stopped. I looked around and realized that most of these people are from the same campus. I am in front of the gate when my phone rang. It's Faith, my best friend. "What are you doing, love?", she said in a soft voice and it made me snort. "That's cringe. Why did you call? " I heard her laugh on the phone. She knows how to trigger me. She's just annoying. "I read your message. Are you comfortable?" I smiled and continued walking. She is so nice. She deserve all the love that she's receiving. "Well, you can say so. I'm still having a hard time adjusting but I'm doing great. You know what kind of a person I am so it's a progress that you're still talking to me right now." A person who would cut everyone out when she feel terrible. "Yeah, yeah. If you say so. I'm glad that you took risk. I miss you, love." "I miss you. What about you? Is it fun?" "Well, you know I really enjoy crowded place. So being here in Manila is great. I am so happy that I passed entrance exam here in UP, too. I don't know what path I'll take if I did not make it." She's a law student in UP. She always wanted to become one. She's outspoken, she knows what she wants. Some people find her intimidating and annoying because she doesn't tolerate anyone. That's what I like the most about her, though. She is so different from me and I adore her character traits. She once told me that a group of friend from her old school left her after she called out her friend for doing something wrong. Of course, she's devastated at first but it did not last long because she knows she's right. I agree with her, too. "I know you'll make it, though. I don't know what's wrong with you. You sometimes hype yourself too much and the next day, you don't believe in yourself. Get you shits together, I guess." "What the f**k, you're so rude!" I laughed after her sentence. The only person I'm comfortable with is her. She's my only friend, after all. And I think I am good with just her being my friend. She's literally that one call away friend. She also respect my space and understand why I'm suddenly missing from social media. "I'll call you again, Zai. Love you, other half!" "Love you, Kei. Call me if someone's hitting on you already! Don't disturb me for nothing, I hate you." "Oh, I'll call you later I guess. " I can see her smirking behind this phone call. What do I expect, of course someone's hitting up on her. "Oh, come on. Your dm never had a break." We laughed and decided to cut the line. As for me, I am already in front of our room. Oh, god. There's a lot of people in here what am I supposed to do. I entered the room, still avoiding everyone's eyes. I know that they are not looking at me but I can't help but think that they do. It is what my head is telling me. The orientation ended after an hour. I decided to go home because I still have to organize some of my things. It is not too messy but I'm still not satisfied. Or maybe I'm just creating an excuse to go home early. As if someone's asking me to stay for a while. Talk about clown. Oh, the bus is almost full. I'm glad that there's still a vacant sit. I sat and someone followed. s**t, it's a little bit uncomfortable but they won't adjust for me. I need to use this as an opportunity to overcome this. I smiled and realized that this idea is a great step. My mind is slowly becoming healthy. A memory from yesterday suddenly appeared. It was a great compliment. It actually made my day because I find it genuine. I find it nice that someone do that these days. Maybe I should create a list of things that I would like to do to make things more easy because I have something that I'll look forward. I looked at the window and saw that the bus is approaching the front of our condominium building. I fixed my things quietly because I don't want to bother the person next to me. I saw him stand up, though. Maybe he live in the same building. I went to the convenience store on the building to buy food. It's nice that it's here. Ah, to have an easy life. I paid and went to the elevator. It opened and there are three people inside. My phone suddenly rang so I did not have the chance to panic. It's Mom. "Hello, Mom. What is it po?" "Are you doing good, dear?" "Yes, Mom. It was surprisingly great. I'm having fun." "I'm glad that you do. Call us if you need anything, okay? I'll get going. I have a patient. I love you." "Yes, Mom. I will. I love you." The call ended exactly after the door opened. The door across my room opened as I opened mine. I guess he's home, too. I went directly to my bed and fell asleep after a few minutes. Darkness welcomed me as I opened my eyes after the nap. I opened the lights and decided to cook my dinner. I'll make chicken katsu today. I need to buy some chicken in the convenience store. Maybe I should ask my Mom to buy me a small fridge to stock some food. I took a quick shower before going out. I brought my wallet, keys and my phone, I'll call Mom to talk about the fridge. But Mom has a patient so I guess I'll just call Dad. I was wearing a comfy white shirt and a short. It's currently 6 pm, I don't think a lot of people are on the store. I dialed my Dad's phone afterI locked my door and he answered after two rings. I think he's still on his office. "Dad, I think I'll need a fridge. What do you think?" "Why do you think so?" "I think I'll save a big amount of money if I have stocks. And I'll control the amount of food that I'll cook, too." "Great logic. Do you want us to go there?" "Yes, please. I don't know how am I going to bring it to my room if I'll commute." He laughed at my worried voice. I don't know what's funny about it, though. "I'm glad that you ask for my help. Next week will be the start of your class, right?" Dad was always like that. He knows that I don't ask for help even if we're close because I'm too shy. He respect it and he's just waiting for me to ask. "Yes po. Are you busy?" "Kind of. But you know Saturday is our day off. We can manage. See you tomorrow. " "Thank you, Dad. Take care. I love you." "I love you, Denden." The call ended. I went inside the store and picked a chicken. I chose the small amount because I can't eat too much. Three slices is my limit. But they don't have it so I had to cook a little bit too much. I also bought some of the ingredients. The cashier smiled at me, maybe because she realized that I was the same person who bought snack a while ago. I managed to smile back, which I don't do often that's why it's embarassing. But it feels good. I accepted my change and turned around to go out. "Oh!" The guy across my room is behind me. I was shocked, but what the f**k was that gasp for? He smiled a bit. "Oh, s**t. I'm sorry." He nodded. I immediately went outside. I was waiting in front of the elevator when he stood next to me. For god's sake, why does he smell so good. And here I am looking like a s**t because of my comfy clothes. But it doesn't matter, I don't care anyway. The door opened. He was the one who pressed the button. He's holding his paper bag from the store. "You look calm right now. I'm glad." "Oh, if you only know." Wait... what? "I mean, no. Not really. Fuck." He laughed and looked at me. "It's okay. You need to keep it up." I nodded and smiled a bit. "Did you eat na?" He looked shocked for a while. He shook his head and smiled again. "Oh. Let me give you some later. I don't have a fridge yet so I'll cook a bit too much." He tilted his head and the amusement on his face is still visible. He then nodded. "I'll wait. Thank you." I don't know why I offered him food. But I did not feel nervous at all. Maybe because just like what I felt when I first saw him, maybe he's really warm.