the negative side

chapter 1

Have you ever locked yourself in the bathroom and slapped yourself right in front of the mirror so tight and so many times that there were fingerprints all across your cheeks? Have you ever cried so hard that you had to bite your hand to stop the voice from coming out? Have you ever explained your red nose and puffed eyes due to constant cries, saying ‘I caught a bit of cold’ and faked a sneeze? No? then you are probably living a good life (at least better than her ) or maybe have enough hope and happy things to drag you away from the negatives. Well, she will let you know, she feel a bit jealous of you now.

For her, this stuff is her daily breakfast tea and pancakes. Sometimes she think maybe it’s only her, maybe god chose her for all these to give something better in future.

Future, huh?  It’s a stupid word. Through all these years she had realized one thing that no matter what will happens her future will be the same as her present. There will be no change, no escaping, no happy ending and blissful life, no nothing. She will be the same old her living in this same house with the same people. Nothing is going to change! If there is even a tiny whiny possibility of something changing then that would be her existence. They might not see her tomorrow or talk about her day after tomorrow…won’t that be blessing for both her and them. They won’t have to see her face again nor would I have to hear their voices. It would be beneficial for both sides

Sometimes she think, If she die will she be reborn somewhere better than here? What’s the probability for that to happen? She doesn’t mind being reborn even as an ant, why? You see ants are very simple creatures; they think, plan and know their way around and most importantly they don’t think about relationships much. They are just perfect neither to brave nor too weak for their size, easily express their fears and don’t have a life span of 70 to 80 years.

Through all these years she have thought of many ways to kill herself, end this petit life of her but none of them came close enough to her liking. Jumping from building? It has its own good points but would take too much of time and just too much of drama. How about drinking poison? Hmm…won’t taste good, that’s for sure. Slicing her wrist? Too painful, so Nah. Suffocation? Nah.

So you see, she is a bit picky about this and hence, that’s the reason she is still alive. If she tries hard and rummage through her mind in order to find one more reason, then there is only one more possibility that I can come up with is that she need to know the end of her favorite anime and read more mangas…I think this is a pretty much justified reason for her, a shut-in otaku.

for countless nights, sitting in her balcony or on the roof with tears dwelling in her eyes , aching heart and with trembling voice, she have questioned the almighty hundreds of times.

“Why don’t you call for me?”

“It is okay if you don’t have space in heaven for me but could you at least ask Satan to take me with him, I believe hell is going to better than this place, at least”

“Or do I….do I not even deserve a place in hell?”

She has shared almost everything with him if not in her mother tongue then in some other language or sometimes even by the medium of song, he was part of her every happy and sad moment but he, he never hears to her voice. He just lets her suffer on her own. Even if, she believe that he must be doing something good for her why does it end up being disaster for her …why does it end up making her situation worse than before!

For a brief period of time she decided to give up on believing in him…but humans can’t change themselves that easily, can they? No. humans are like leopard; just like a leopard can’t change its spots similarly a human can’t change its basic nature. She could not stop herself from going back to speaking with him…she couldn’t ignore his existence.

The second person, with whom she have shared every single happening in her life are her diaries. She have kept one ever since I was in 5th grade. Wrote everything goods and bad. with the moving time , the number of her diaries increased the first two were filled with beautiful childhood dreams, peace, fantasy, day dreams, happiness and amazing stuff but the last two or should she say, the recent ones are those which she is scared of opening. They are filled be an emotional roller coaster with a brink of happiness and loads of darkness.

Those pages contain all the sad chapters of her life till date, mental breakdowns, tears, curses, blames and what not. It’s like a torture to even read those again but at the same time she feel proud of herself for being able to survive through all of that and coming out safe a sound with a smile on her face and her mask un fazed

Blame, it’s a small word. One can blame anyone for anything whether s/he had done it or not. The funny thing is that our society believes hard on blames, no matter if they are fake or not.

She do not blame anyone for who she have become, she blamed herself for being too naïve to be fooled and danced on someone else’s palm. She gave them chance to take benefit of her. Take good of her and blame their bad on her name buried under the dust.

It has always been her fault, even If had not done anything, she was the one standing on the wrong side and her sister was there shinning in her stead. Her sister is blessed with all the things that belonged to her.

It hurts to see herself fall; it hurts to see herself go back to them again and again…only to fall back in depths of dark once again.

She was alone, it was like a rope encircled around her throat, she was afraid to confront it out. She afraid of letting anyone see what she had become.

She didn’t want anyone to see her crying, she didn’t want people to think ‘when did you, you has always been so strong and cheerful, became so weak?’ when did you became like this?

she didn't want anyone to see her weak self.

Sometimes rather than dying she wishes for herself to be deaf because then she won’t be able to hear their voice again. If that happens then she won’t be sad anymore.

She would be happy.