the negative side

chapter 2

 She has asked herself hundreds, no thousands of times for why she can’t be like her sister, why can’t she be like her younger sister? Why can’t her mother be hers? Why can’t her mom for once say to her younger siblings “be like your eldest sister” why is it always, “be like you second elder sister”. When out there all her relatives, all people who she have only met once say “bless my child to be like you” but why are her ears are so desperate hear those words from her own mother’s mouth! Why!?

She asks herself, countless times, why can’t she change herself? If she was able to do it once before, shouldn’t she be able to do it again then why can’t do it?

All she wants to do is get away from here and never talk to any of them ever again. She just don’t wish to remember them .if there was a way she could erase their existence from her mind, won’t that be the best way?

Ha, what is she even talking about, it’s not like she remember everything .give her day and everything is gone. The reason she cried, the reason why she broke is all gone and then she is back on the same track.

She forgets and does the same mistake all over again and ends up ending in the same place as she did before and then again she forgets. It’s a cycle and never ending loop from which she must escape but how? Will be forever here?

This troubles her.

Maybe, it’s her mind that gets rid of all these bad memories. If yes, she wants to ask it why? Just why? Are you doing this to protect heart? But do you realize that you are hurting it more day by day, slowly shattering it.

Her heart is soft, its forgiving and the brain its…its evil and witty. It manipulates her heart and turns it into cold, emotionless piece. It forgets bad stuff and let heart suffer again and again. It makes her do things and say things that her heart later aches to hear.

The brain…it witty but wise and it sees the truth logically not emotionally. His domain is logicality.

Whereas, heart is useless it is just a puppet that makes her feel bad for what brain had planned.

And then there comes tears, they support both heart and brain. Sometimes they come pouring out at brain command and sometimes the flow because of that stupid heart.

Listening to both of them had brought her to where she stands right now.

Whenever she would try to communicate with someone, the brain would make heart cold and what all came out of her mouth was emotionless and ended up hurting the other person. Later she would, repent in her room; filled with regret she would ask herself “why did I say that?” She would feel bad and the other person would hate her. She didn’t ask for this to happen.

No matter how hard she tried to change the way she talked, the brain always had the upper hand. He is always one step ahead her. It was a fight between her and her brain where she lost EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

She says that she wants to run away, go somewhere else far from here. Run away, huh… where? She can’t run away from them! All she has been doing through these years is lying. She has been lying to herself, swallowing harsh reality dipped in chocolate.

There is no way she can escape this nightmare. There is just no way she is going to be FINE. Things won’t change for better. She will be living in the same world trapped in the same nightmare. she won't be leaving. she will stay her for eternity unless she is laid inside her coffin into deep slumber from where she would never wake up. it will be peace full, no one will be there to blame her , she won't hear a single word .

She knows that she can’t go on like this but she is scared, afraid of being alone. Ha-ha…like she has someone now. Unsure of which friend will spread rumors, a family she can’t trust, a sister who doesn’t give a f***, another who only cares about her 2nd and 3rd child. Who is there for her cling on? Who is there to lend her a shoulder to cry on? No one, there is no one like that.

She can’t share what she is feeling with someone so all that pain just nurtures inside her growing like roots.

It made her hollow inside.

Her mother asked her, one day “why do you change with people’s opinions?”

She couldn’t say anything back, though on the inside she wished to shout, “It’s all because of you!! If you wouldn’t have left me in that dark suddenly, only if you hand wouldn’t have disappeared…only if you had held my hand and heard me out clear and loud, only then everything would have been fine”

“You know what, now I stand alone in the same place where you left me and whenever someone comes and offer me hand, I don’t care where it leads, I just take and follow, No matter whether is wrong or right at least it’s better than nothing!”

Sometimes things are easier said than done. There are people who would tell you what to do but won’t tell how and it is difficult to do those changes on your own.

She tried, she tried to be her but that’s just not how things go. No matter how much she tried she just couldn’t herself this time, even if she tried to assert herself it didn’t change the fact and the fact was she was always wrong.

Was being the eldest sibling her fault? She didn’t wish for it, she didn’t wish for all the things to go down. She just wanted her younger sister to trust her  a bit more she wanted them to rely on her cause she did everything she could to be a good sister but the way she spoke, her warmth behind those harsh word just couldn’t reach their ears.

But she was just no good. Everything revolves around her younger sister. It was like all her efforts were a waste of time but she couldn’t stop herself from serving them before her. Maybe she was just too kind for her own good.

she wonders why is she like this? Why is it always her fault even when she hadn’t done anything?

Is it her fault for wanting best for her siblings? Is it her fault for trying her best for them!?

Yes, yes it is she tried for them not for herself. If only she had done it all for her and her then only she wouldn't be the one crying now but too bad that god made her more kind than her own good.

only is she wasn't the way she is . only is she cared about herself more than she cared for them.

but She was just too kind.