The Funeral Flower

One OCTOBER-6 YEARS OLD All I could do was stare at the frilly, white flower while the tears fell down my face. It was so pretty. I don’t know how there could be something this pretty on the second most awful day of my life. I started to smell it again when I heard my sister’s voice. My finger jumped off the petals just in time for her to grab my arm and start pulling. “Come on! Sophia said we have to stay with her.” “I was just looking for Momma and Daddy,” I replied. I couldn’t tell her that I had found them. I couldn’t tell her what I saw. “Well, we are supposed to be with Sophia. We need to meet some more family,” Audrey replied. “I don’t want to meet any more people I don’t know. I’m tired.” “It don’t matter. Just be yourself. People always like you ‘cause you’re nice.” She smiled; but I could see the sadness in her eyes. Audrey knew that would remind me of Pawpaw. He always said how much people liked me. That was Audrey, she always makes me feel better when I am sad. She is my sister and my best friend. The weird smell that I noticed when we first came in this morning, hit my nose again. It was really gross like my pawpaw’s old shop, but kind of like the metal from his old tractor too. I probably should’ve taken one of those flowers with me. They smelled much better. Sophia hissed at me through gritted teeth when we made it to her side. “Grace, where have you been?” “Call her Kelly, Sophia,” Audrey reminded her. Sophia is my other sister, and even though she is mad most of the time, I think she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. “You are always running off. You are supposed to stay with me,” she barked. I didn’t have anything to say to that. I don’t really know why I ran off. I think it was to find Daddy. To get a hug. But when I found him that’s not what I got. “What were you doing anyway?” Audrey looked over at me and whispered. “Looking at the flowers.” “Yeah, I know...,” There was that thing in Audrey’s eyes again, “You want to stay by the casket. But you can’t. You are only supposed to look once.” I just couldn’t tell her what I saw. I could barely deal with it myself. That’s why I was looking at the flowers. They made me stop crying. They made me feel better, because I just didn’t think I could handle what I saw. It wasn’t the fact that my momma was hugging Daddy, which really was a surprise since they hardly do that. I really don’t think they ever did that before. Like I said, it wasn’t that, what I saw was him do something I’d never seen him do before, I saw my daddy crying. The day my pawpaw died happened so fast. I saw him just that morning and he was as great as he always was. He noticed the bruises on my arm and told me the next time he visits he’ll teach me how to punch. He said that the answer to some fights is that they end with a bloody nose, he just wanted to be sure I was the one giving it. People in his town called him Popeye because he had really big arms. He did look like Popeye. He even had the same tattoo. I had never known anyone who died before. Well, I am sure I did, but I had never known death until that night. I don’t think I ever really knew loss until then. A year before, when I was just five, I had a dog that “went to a better home” and I missed him. Soon, I was picturing little Gilly running through fields and chasing birds, so I got over it quickly. That night in the emergency room, when I saw the look on Daddy’s face, I knew it would be the worst day of my life. I remember screaming. I remember needing to see him. Then, I remember holding Pawpaw’s hand for the last time and realizing it was the first time I gave him more love than he returned. I think, only because of ways far greater than mine, I lived through that night. I don’t know how though because I know, without a doubt, my heart really did break to pieces. Seeing my dad cry at the funeral was another first. I’m not sure what was worse when I looked for him, finding out he couldn’t hug me or the guilt that I felt for not thinking my daddy was hurting just like me. I just know that I lost something that day too. Looking back now, I think it was my innocence and I knew I’d never forget the sweet, spicy smell of that frilly flower for as long as I lived. It didn’t take long for my parents to see that my personality was changing. I woke up from another nightmare and heard them talking about it one night in the kitchen. “She is just having trouble adjusting, Martha. She loved him so much.” “I know she loved him. We all did. But this is something more than just grief. She is hardly even talking for God’s sake.” “It’s just the grief,” Daddy said softly. “No, it’s more,” Momma raised her voice, “I have never seen that child go more than a few minutes without talking. Hell, she even used to talk to herself when she thought no one else was around. I can barely get her to answer a question now. You know it. I don’t think I’ve seen her smile one time since. I am telling you Dean, it’s more. She used to be so happy and laugh all the time. Her attention in school is falling, too. The school called several times before break started.” “I think it’s just normal. She’s hurting,” Daddy insisted. “Yes, but making no progress. She won’t eat either. Again tonight I had to threaten to spank her if she didn’t eat. It took almost an hour. But you aren’t here to see that. You are only here long enough to be the good guy, read a book to them and tuck them in bed. I am telling you Dean, something is wrong. She needs to go to a doctor,” Momma pleaded. “Okay. Call tomorrow if you think that is best,” he replied quietly. I made it back to my room in time to cry again. I hated that Momma was always mad lately. I hated that I made my parents fight again. Was I going to die too? I know it felt that way a lot, even more when I cried. Dad came and sat by Audrey on the sofa. “Hey girls.” “Hey Dad,” Audrey and I replied together, as usual. People always said we were like twins, even though she was a year older than me. “Do you guys want to know something special about that big bush in the back of the yard where you both play all the time?” “Sure,” Audrey replied, by herself this time. “It’s called a Sassafras tree. It looks more like a bush right now because it’s still young,” Dad always told us such interesting things, but today I was just sad and really didn’t want to hear about the tree. “But when it gets older it’ll look more like a tree. You know your Momma’s gumbo that you both love so much?” he waited for us to nod before continuing, “Well, the leaves and stems of the Sassafras tree make a special part that she uses in it. But, now listen, here is the fun part though, are you girls ready?” he asked. “Yes!” Audrey exclaimed. He looked at me and waited. “Kelly, are you?” “Yes, sir,” I replied. “Well, we have several out at Pawpaw’s and my mother used to make Aunt Betty and me Sassafras tea. Do either of you know what Sassafras smells like?” “Gumbo?” Audrey asked. “No, something much better. Any more guesses?” “No, sir,” we said at the same time again. “Root beer.” “Really?” That is interesting. “How can a bush smell like root beer?” I asked. “It actually used to be what root beer was made out of years ago. Of course, you know how the government works, can’t use natural stuff,” he chuckled, “So, they don’t let companies use it to make root beer anymore, at least not in its natural state.” “Why?” Audrey looked as curious as I was. “They say it could be dangerous. But I grew up on Sassafras tea and I’m just fine.” We both laughed at that. “The key, my mother used to say, is using just enough root to make it smell delicious and just enough stems and leaves to make it taste delicious.” “Well,” Daddy stood up, “I’m going to go get some. I think I’ll make some of that tea today. The very best part, my favorite part anyway,” he stopped for a moment just outside the big sliding doors that led to the back yard, “is right when you first cut it. Man, it smells the very best right then,” he started walking again. Audrey and I jumped up and followed him. He put out his hands for both of us and when I grabbed one, he looked down at me and smiled. He was right. That was one of the best things I ever smelled. And tasted. We sat and talked and drank homemade Sassafras tea, until Momma came in and ran us out of the kitchen so she could make dinner. I was happy that afternoon, sitting with Daddy and Audrey. Doing nothing but talking, drinking Sassafras tea, and laughing.