Midnight Smiles

I was ten. And crazy.

"Mama, we all go to hell.

Mama, we all go to hell.

I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,

Mama, we all go to hell.

Oh, well, now,

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,

Mama, we're all gonna die." I sang throwing my arms in the air and doing stupid faces as I was at it. It was fun. Try it.

A small advice. Do it when you are alone.

"Seriously, why do you hear those kind of songs?" Aiden said giving me a face. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Well excuse me if I don't hear Selena Gomez, like you do." His face turned red as I made my super cool evil laugh at him.

"You still have that video?" He glared at me as now I laughed normally.

"I still have that video. I watch it every night just to entertain myself."

"You are a jerk."

"I know. It's fun." Aiden rolled his eyes at me again and walked out of my room. That's when I noticed that he was all dressed up. "Where are you going?" I asked Aiden as he was walking out of the house. He looked excited. I wasn't stupid. I knew there was a girl in all of this. That guy always had a girl. Every now and then he would always like a girl.

"To a concert." My eyebrow raised at that. Not taking my eyes off him, I waited for more explanations. He rolled his eyes annoyed. "It is a Fall Out Boy concert." Somebody is listening my music, isn't it right A-boy?" He blushed again. Typic of him.

"No." That was the latest way to defend himself.

"Aiden dear." I said using my fake English accent. "You don't hear those kind of music. Emo pop. Or punk rock. Or pop punk. Or..."

"I got it." He raised his voice and as I laughed like an old mean lady.

"I hear those kind of music. You hear Selena Gomez and Rihanna."

"That's not true." That blush doesn't have in its plans to get off his face.

"Tell that to your phone. The poor little thing has to play for you "Who says you're not perfect" every day. Grow some balls dude. Or do I still have to buy you tampons?" He was glaring at me all the time, but what could I do? It was the time to have a men talk. Even though I'm not sure if he is fully a man. "Do you still measure your... You know... Your thing?"

The question came out so normally, but it still made him cough in surprise. He was actually choking.

"What? I saw a ruler in your bathroom." I took an innocent expression as a smile formed in my lips. It was a smirk actually. Yeah. Definitely a smirk.

"Goodbye." He said in a rush and left my room. But I followed him back.

"Can I come?" Not it was the time for me to use my puppy eyes. "I mean come on. It's a Fall Out Boy concert. Can I come? Please?" He glared at me like the little evil thing he was.

"No. I'm going with... A girl. A friend of mine. She gave me the tickets for my birthday. And we are going together. So no."

"I should have boiled you that night with the chicken and eat you for dinner." I said narrowing my eyes at him. Let's say that one wonderful night I decided to cook chicken. And then thought that Aiden would taste good too. So yeah... I ended up trying to cook him too. If it wasn't for dad, we were going to eat Aiden with chicken wings. Yummy.

I was ten.

And crazy.

"Whatever. Bye." And he left.

"Bye bye little butterfly." I sang and he stopped walking, turned to me to give me a glare and walked out of the house. He hated when I said that. Mostly because I called him a butterfly and he didn't like the fact that I watched a lot of Disney. I mean come on. Miraculous Ladybug and Chat Noir is awesome.

His hate for Disney started when I called him for a month Cinderella. I even sang him the song. It was funny for me. And for the others... He was the only one who didn't like it. Pft! Like I care. What an ungrateful child. I didn't raise him like that.

Maybe I should have told him the car was almost empty.

Pfff. Whatever. He didn't get me in the concert. This is a are the consequences b***h!

Taking my phone with me, I walked out of my room still dancing and singing like a moron. I sat on the couch in front of the TV and turned it on. Time for Disney people. And just like that I started to watch Gnomeo and Juliet. The best version of Romeo and Juliet. The story itself sucks. Seriously guys think a little about it. They saw each other and... Bam!!! They fall in love. Seriously? There is not such a thing as live at first sight. It doesn't exist. Get over it. The day the met each other, they kiss. After a few days they get married. Seriously how pathetic is all of these? Don't mention Romeo was worse than Aiden. He was more like "Wow a pretty girl. I love her." With all I know he loved some other chick, Rosaline, five minutes before he met Juliet. No offense to Shakespeare, he is a great writer, but this kind of love doesn't exist. It isn't called love. And even if they really loved each other... I personally think they could have managed the situation better. I mean come on! They were both alive and they both died.

To don't mention Juliet was thirteen.

Are you for real Shakespeare? Why does he have a thing for tragedies? You can give the story a sad ending. Or like I call it, an ending from reality. But exaggerating it that much? That story makes me think love kills.

But this is my opinion.

And like I said, I liked the Disney version more. Funny, metaphorically more closer to reality and way more cooler. So yeah...

As I was watching the movie, I was feeling very tired. I had days without sleeping. It was normal for me after all to don't sleep. But it was getting harder and harder to stay awake the whole time. And without taking the drugs, I was even more scared to don't sleep. And there was no way I was going to take drugs again. I couldn't do that to my Ry.

I was getting used with calling her mine. What is wrong with me? Calling someone mine, even though it isn't like that. She is... I don't know okay?

All I needed to know was that she made me smile. That was enough for me. Anything else didn't matter.

My mouth opened in a yawn.

I knew I needed her...

Opening my eyes wide, so I couldn't fall asleep I got up and walked out of the house. I didn't need nightmares right now.

***

I pushed the door open so slowly... With so much fear. There was something in my heart screaming for me to don't go in there. There was fear deep in my chest. Right in the middle. So dangerously near my heart. It was like it was slowly taking my breath away.

Hesitating, I took a few slow steps in the room. My eyes were glued to the floor. Why? I didn't know. I was just scared to look anywhere else. My barefoot stepped on the cold floor.

Then I stept on something warm. The floor was red... It was all red.

My heart starting to beat fast and faster. The fear had reached my heart, eating it slowly. There were voices... Something was streaming inside me. In my mind. It was screaming so loud...it was screaming for me to leave. To close my eyes. To stop walking.

But stepping on the floor covered in red... In blood... I noticed a body. It wasn't moving. It was lied on the floor, covered in blood... Breathless. Not moving. Dead...

I felt a tear escaping my eye. And then an other one. And another one...

Her face was facing my direction. Tears frozen in her dead eyes, as they were looking at me. Her face.... Was so white... Like a china doll. Beautiful... Lifeless...

No. No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!

This isn't real. This is not real. This is just a nightmare. This is not happening. No!!!

"But my darling, it happened." Her voice echoed in my head as I was feeling so empty inside. I couldn't breath.

This is just a nightmare. Wake up Jake. Wake up. Wake up...

"Sweetheart, it's not a nightmare. It's a memory."

"NO!!!"

I woke up, covered in cold sweat, my heart beating so fast. Like it was trying to escape my body. It was scared of the darkness I had in there.

"Jake." I turned my head where the voice came from. It was Natalie. She was standing on the door frame of my bedroom, not coming in. Just standing there looking at me terrified. I noticed she was wearing a classic long dress. It was blue and it fitted her perfectly.

"What..." My voice came out weak. I cleared my throat. "What are you doing here?"

"We have the gala night tonight. They wanted you to be there." She hesitated before she talked again. "Are you okay?"

The truth? I was feeling numb. In those moments all I was feeling was nothing. Nothing at all. Why was it like that? Where was the pain? Where were the tears? Where... Why wasn't I feeling anything?

I thought of the nightmare and something tightened my heart. I miss her. I miss her so much.

"Perfectly fine." I said and got up from the bed and walked to my wardrobe to get ready. I felt so dull. So numb. What was happening? What the freaking hell was happening to me? Where is the pain?

All dressed up with ripped jeans, a white t-shirt and a black leather jacket, I got out of the room. Natalie frowned at my choice of clothes but didn't say anything. She knew it wasn't the time to talk to me.

Something was for sure. I wasn't in mood. I wasn't in mood at all. Putting my headphones on since I was in the car, I blocked the world out. I needed to be alone. I was alone. Just not physically.

Ryder....

She...

I shook my mind from those thoughts. Yeah true, I wanted to go to her now. It was too early. I knew that. But I needed her to be with me now. I needed her.

Yesterday I was at her window, but she was wasn't there. There was no one in her room. So I left.

Okay I was disappointed that I didn't see her, but I can't expect from her to always be every night in her room waiting for me. She has a life.

The car stopped and we got out of it to enter a huge hotel. Always making those gala nights in expensive hotels, with classic music that kills my ears so much. Honestly I wasn't in mood for any of these. To don't mention everyone was seeing me like I came from Mars, because of my clothes. But I ignored all of this as I sat in the middle of the floor, crossing my legs under me and closing my eyes.

I breathed in.

I let it out.

Say no more, I'm out the door, the day is gone

Lick my wounds and face the tunes to the call

Five days done, the mood is swung, I'm moving on

I puff my chest, come up for air and take a breath

"Jake what are you doing? Get up." Natalie shook my shoulder.

I opened my eyes, as a small smile... so small, it was like it wasn't there at all, appeared in my lips. It's maniac smile. Am I going mad?

I took an other deep breath, as I got up and walked out of the hotel.

I would walk. I would run. I would do everything right now, just to be near Ry. I needed her to make me smile. I needed to see her smile. I needed her.

I am a psychopath. At least I admit that. And I knew everything in my life was a mistake. Mistakes done one after another till eternity. But Ry... She was my sweetest mistake. Her smile, her words... I would do that mistake every time I had the chance.