Midnight Smiles

I had the purple guy out of control

Okay I know I’m crazy, but this is just too much. What the f**k was I thinking? Ry’s house was two hours away on foot. And even if I was running... OMG I’m so tired. This is ridiculous. I can’t breath.

And that amazing dramatic moment is destroyed.

Slowing down now, I was just walking slowly down the road. And just to make things better, it started raining. But instead of screaming and shouting at the sky for pouring its liquid on me, I smiled. Weirdly I liked the rain. I just liked it. The reason why, it was a mystery to me too, but every time it rained, I smiled.

People never appreciate rain. Never stop in the middle of the road and let it touch their skin... It made me.. Feel free in some kind of weird way. I don’t know what was wrong with me for thinking in this way... But rain isn’t just water falling from sky... Nothing is just that simple.

I continued walking, not even noticing when did I ever stop. And since I had a while without exercising I was tired out of my mind. But I knew for sure that wasn’t the real reason. I barely sleep. My body needed sleep. It was tired from staying up the whole time. And so was my mind. It was getting more and more irritating to bare the headaches. But like I have said, I was scared of falling asleep. And I just woke up from a nightmare. How could I bare to see.... her again? In that condition?

I miss her so much.

A tear escaped my eye, and mixed with the rain.

I hated being so weak and stupid, but I couldn’t just act like she never existed. The pain was real. What I saw was real. What happened was real. How could I forget? I didn’t even want to forget. I loved her... I still do. I miss her.

Shaking my head lightly as I smiled sadly to myself and to my memories, I glued my eyes to the dark sky. When someone you love dies... The good memories, hurt you the most. And those memories mixed with the bad ones where making my heart feel heavy. Like it wasn’t made of flesh and blood, but from metal.

I needed to forget. I needed to forget right now. I didn’t want to remember anything, just for a while. Just for a few minutes. To feel empty, no pain.... No nothing.

And still... The drug was out of question. Why? I don’t know. It was like it made me a bad person. Someone that didn’t deserve to socialize with a girl like Ry. She was too innocent to be involved in such a world as mine. And it was better for her to stay out of my world. I could keep her out. But I didn’t want. I was selfish. I know that. But I wanted her in my life. I wanted her for as long as I could have her.

A humourless laugh escaped my lips. I don’t have her. It is stupid to think like that. What an i***t.

Why was I even thinking about it? It was so... Okay... Not going there Jake.

Bye the time I reached her house, my clothes had managed to get a little bit wet. Lucky it wasn’t raining that hard to get me all wet, but still it managed somehow to make me look like a wet dog. And in that kind of condition I climbed up her window. I wasn’t surprised when I found it closed. After all it was cold. And it had passed midnight, so for sure she was asleep. Not that she waited me up...

I knocked a few times and waited for her to open the window. But nothing happened. There was no noise, no nothing that would let me know she was in the room.

My lips formed a frown. I needed to see her. Tonight more than the other nights. I needed to forget. I needed to smile. I... Okay stop right there.

"Mom go away. I'm fine." A groaned came from inside the room. Now I frowned even more. Okay... What was that? Don’t tell I have mistaken the house.

Not knowing what to do and still confused out of my mind, I knocked again. I had no idea what else I could do. And if it was Ry... There was no way I could have knocked on the wrong window... I had to try my luck. I had to see her.

I heard movement from inside the room. Someone, who I was hoping to be Ry, because if it wasn’t it would be really awkward, walked slowly to the window and opened it.

When I saw her face, a smile formed on my lips, but before I could say anything she sat on the floor leaning against the wall and sneezed. Her eyes were closed.

And I frowned again. She was sick?

I got in the room, and sat next to her, not knowing why was I feeling so bad so suddenly. It was like my mood went from bad to worse. What was wrong with me? Why was I feeling like this?

"Ry?" I tried to talk with a soft voice. I wanted to comfort her. She just gave me a small smile, with her eyes still closed. That made me feel even worse. If it continues like this I would feel like dying in a few moments.

She was shaking. I could tell she had temperature. And a head ache... That explained why she couldn’t open her eyes. Or I don’t know. All I was think in those moments was to make her feel better.

Slowly, trying to be careful, I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer to my body. My clothes were wet, and cold. But I forgot that little fact as I was keeping her in my arms. A small moan escaped her mouth as apparently she was comfortable. "Oh my little Ry." Her body was hot. And I didn’t know what to do. My arm around her tightened, as I felt her burning skin against my cold one, warming me up and doing the opposite with her. Maybe it was better that way.

Ry leaned her head on my shoulder. I smiled a little at her and l lifted her up on my lap to have her even closer. My arms wrapped around her waist.

My heart skipped a bit when I remembered that I actually didn’t have the hoodie with me tonight. She could see my face. But then I just calmed down. Who cares? This whole story had two ways of ending.

One: I would just disappear. Get out of her life, before this gets more complicated.

Two: She will see my face.

I had no idea what would happen if she sees my face. What will she do... Okay I had no idea what was going to happen after that. I had no idea what was happening now, let alone later after she finds out who I am. This is so complicated, that it gives me a headache every time I think about it.

But at some point this would end. That was for sure. It couldn’t go on like this. At some point she will get sick of all of this. She will graduate. Move on with her life. Meet some guy... Fall in love...

Kill me now.

And that’s when I noticed she was wearing a guy’s jacket. That punched a frown on my face so hard, it almost left me unconscious. Okay what is wrong with me and those stupid feelings?

But the curiosity was killing me.

Covering my frown with a forced smile, that probably made me look like I was grinning like an i***t, I asked her. "Whose jacket is this?" She looked up at me, but her eyes didn’t went further than my lips. And now I was smirking. She didn’t notice that I didn’t have my hoodie with me today, but she was so used at looking at only my lips, it turned to a habit for her.

"A friend's." She answered shyly. And here comes the second punch. Well that hurts a lot.

"A guy friend?" I asked noticing how my voice sounded weird at the question. Why was that so? "Do you like this guy Ry?" I finally asked what I wanted to know. Why did I want to know this? It shouldn’t matter to me. But if you think a little about it... If she gets a boyfriend, how wrong it would be for her to meet a strange weirdo in the middle of the night? It would be so wrong in so many levels.

If she gets a boyfriend... That would be my clue to get out of her life.

"Shut up Midnight." She punched me in my chest.

I chuckled and hugged her tighter like she was going to disappear. Maybe one day she will. "Don't worry. I will take my answers an other time." My voice came out as a whisper and I noticed the sadness in it, but since it was so stupid, I just brushed it off.

Everything right now was stupid. She doesn’t know me. I barely know her... I shouldn’t come here. She shouldn’t let me in. We were both making mistakes. I had the opportunity to stop all of this. So did she. Then why none of us was doing it? What kind of choices were we making? We were choosing the wrong every night and we barely thought about it. I barely think about it. Why would you ask. Well because I liked this kind of wrong. It felt more right... It was making me... Okay I’m stopping right there.

"I better get you to your bed." I whispered and was about to get up from the floor but she refused to move. "Ry..." I had to go... Staying just makes things worse... I should never come back again.

"I like staying like this." And those words melted me. My muscles froze and then relaxed at her words. She managed to bring a smile on my lips. Not noticing it, I tightened the grip around her waist. My lips kissed the top of her head as the smile still was there.

"Everything for you my little Ry."

I felt warm in those moments. I felt warm inside my cold soul. And it felt good. It felt so good, it made everything right. How could she have this kind of effect on me? Does she even know it? Because it is so weird... And in my dark world it is impossible. I was like the dark side of the moon. And she was like the sun. Not too far, but still she can’t warm me up. But apparently she can. How she did that? Only God knows.

“Midnight.” Her voice was low and I barely heard her.

“Yes.” I murmured a soft response. Is it weird that I kissed her head again even though I had no reason to? It just felt so right, it hurt. It made my already messed up mind, more messed up. But in a sweet way. Is that even possible? Sweetly messed up... A nice title for a book...

“Are we friends?” That snapped me out of my thoughts. Now, if you could see me now, I had an emotionless face. But inside my head it was a total chaos. Like... Have you seen the movie “Inside out”? I had the purple guy out of control in there.

How am I supposed to answer? Yes? Or no? Maybe? I had no idea what we were. We were... Okay I have nothing. I was just a drugged depressed moron and she was... Well she was Ry... Nothing like me. Okay it was stupid from her to let me in, so we had the stupid part in common but that doesn’t matter that much.

Now... If I said no, that would mean that we were... Okay let’s start it over again. If I say yes, we are friends, but I don’t want to be friends with her because... Let’s start it again. If I say... Okay I have no idea. This is so... I don’t know. Do I know anything?

In hell with it.

“Yes.” I answered putting on my fake smile as she looked up at me. Again she didn’t look up at my face.... Her eyes focused on my lips.

“What colour are your hair?” She whispered, her question coming out of the blue. That made me smile for real.

“Not telling.” I smirked as she was frowned irritated from my answer.

“You are so unfair.”

“Why?” Just so you know, I knew the answer. I just like when she is pissed off. She looks cute.

“You don’t tell me anything. I want to know you. Tell me about yourself.” Now that was something I wasn’t ready to talk about. To talk about my messed up everything. Even if I wanted to tell her, my weak self wasn’t ready for it. It would crush in just one second. But she was right. What was I doing wasn’t right to her. I had to give her something.

“My favourite colour is blue.” I blurred out. Way to go Jake.

“Mine green.” She smiled. I couldn’t help mine as I pressed my lips against her head again.

“I love eating.” Okay that was true but I didn’t have to tell her that. Now I’m officially a pig. Good job piggy Jake.

She chuckled at my confession, but it caused her pain, remembering me that she was sick. And we were sitting on the God damn floor.

“Midnight...” She talked again with a low voice. And again I murmured a soft response. “I’m trying to figure out when will you show me your bad side, but all you have been was good.”

Fuck me and my choice of words.

I rolled my eyes at myself.

“Ry, the side I want to show you isn’t that kind of bad. It is the broken part of me... The part I hide, because it is a weakness. I trust you that much to show you my weakness. Do you trust me to see it and don’t push me away?”

For some reasons my heart started to beat fast. Was I going through a heart attack? Why was it beating fast? The stupid muscle sometimes made me think it wasn’t there at first place. And now it is beating like I had ran a marathon.

“Yes.”

My heart stopped.