Midnight Smiles

\"Here lays an i***t\"

Oh my dear God, I’m dead. Oh my God, I’m dead. Sweet mother of Taylor Swift. I’m dead. My heart isn’t beating. What the f**k???

Seriously what the f**k? It just stopped. It just stopped freaking beating. What the hell do you call that? It is a heart for the love of God. How can’t it beat? The stupid thing exists just to beat. Its only function is to f*****g beat. And my heart can’t even do that. My f****d up heart can’t f*****g beat.

Oh it’s beating again. Thank you God.

What the f**k was that? Why did I react like that? She... Said... Okay let’s not concentrate on that fact too much. She is sick. And half asleep. She has no idea what she is saying. And she doesn’t know the big deal. When she will see the real me... The broken me... The one possessed by the demons of my past... After she finds out... Why the f**k is my heart reacting this f*****g way? It’s so weird it makes me wanna die. It hurts.

It hurts just to think about it. Just thinking about her leaving me... Not seeing her anymore... It made my soul ache. My freaking soul ached. It was like something was squeezed my heart. Like something was ripping my soul apart. Why it ached so much? Why was all of these things happening? I was too weak to deal with these things as I still try to fight my demons.

“Ry...” Okay... What are you doing now, Jake? She hummed a soft response. “I...” Oh my God Jake, keep you mouth shut you i***t. Don’t talk.

But I couldn’t continue like this. It wasn’t fair. What was I doing to her was wrong. It made me a creep. She deserved to know who I was. After all she didn’t know me. I would still be a stranger. But if she sees my face... Then I wouldn’t be a stranger anymore. And maybe for once I would be doing the right thing.

And if she chooses to stay away from me, it is her right. I can’t force anyone to do what they don’t want to do. Yeah I would be ha... I will change for better if she chooses to stay with me. And if she doesn’t... I will be what I am now. Broken and dark. Nothing will change. I won’t change for worse. Because if I do, I will end up bad. The pain would be unbearable. And I...

I will just die.

“I want to tell you who I am.” I whispered with my eyes closed. Her response... Her reaction scared me. After all everything would change after that. Whatever she would say to me, every action, would bring us in the end of this story. It is stupid and funny somehow. But anyway.

But nothing happened. Why?

I opened my eyes.

Her eyes were closed and she was breathing slowly. A smile played on my lips. My little Ry had fallen asleep. Well... She chose the time to fall asleep. It’s like even when I want to do the right thing, I can’t do it. Why? Because my stupid luck won’t allow me.

Is this happening for real? Like seriously? For once I wanted to do the right thing. I finally grew enough balls in a record time. And what happens? My try goes to hell. It flies out of the window. Great!!!

Carefully, I got up from the floor, with Ry on my arms and walked to the bed, lying her there slowly. She was sick. And needed to rest. And here I show up in the middle of the night in her room like a freaking weirdo just because I have a stupid weak heart. Isn’t this amazing? Note the sarcasm.

I was about to walk away, but something wasn’t allowing me. My eyebrows furrowed at that, but then I noticed Ry’s hand fisting my shirt not letting me go. “Don’t go.” Her voice was so low I barely understood what she said. Her eyes were still closed and I couldn’t figure out if she was asleep or not. But no matter how, I didn’t leave, just because she asked me that. I was that much of a p***y.

***

I opened my eyes slowly, not knowing what was happening. Where was I? Okay this is definitely not my bed. Turning my head on the right, I saw a face, so close to mine. Her face. She was so close, I could feel her breathing on my face. Her eyes were closed and some hair had fell on her face. It touched her skin so softly, I got jealous for some reasons. But that was so stupid it scared me. Seriously? Jealous? God help me please!!! I have serious issues.

As my eyes were glued to her, I got lost in my own thoughts. I just forgot the world as I looked at her beautiful face. Her white skin made her look like a delicate white rose. Her eyelashes touched her cheek. Her hair... It looked so soft I had to fight with myself to don’t go my hand through it. She was so close. So close I was loosing my sanity. And that would be a first without using drugs or getting drunk.

Her scent filled my nostrils. Her sweet scent... It made my mouth water. It made me... Okay We will stop right there. But like I said I was going insane. How was that even possible? And she wasn’t doing anything. She was just sleeping.

It scares how much she affected me. How she can do that without even doing anything. It made me so weak. But I didn’t mind that. I wanted to be weak when it came to her. Honestly I didn’t see anything bad in that. It felt so sweet I couldn’t deny myself that kind of weakness. Even if I wanted to... It was impossible, because she was getting a main role on the play of my life. It was dangerous to let someone to have such big role... But it felt right with her. I knew that in the end I will end up so bad, I won’t be able to improve anymore, but for now.... I just wanted for this to never end. I wanted to enjoy it.

Oh s**t! She opened her eyes.

My immediate response to that was to jump off the bed, and like the i***t I was, I hid under it. Why? I have no idea. I am that crazy. So don’t ask.

Shit Jake!! What are you going to do now? It’s morning. It’s the f*****g morning. You should have left hours ago. But noo. You stood. Now she can see your face.

Yeah, I know what I said, but now it’s morning. I change my mind easily. Now I don’t want her to see me. Not like this. Not in this way. Not now. So can anyone tell me what am I going to do now? Because it is a really tricky situation.

Wait a minute.

She opened her eyes. She freaking opened her eyes with my ape face in front of her. She saw me. Didn’t she? Of course she did. That’s what people do with their eyes. The f*****g see Jake. Oh my God I’m such an i***t. I deserve a degree for that. It should be written on my grave. “Here lays an i***t”.

That sounded cool, though.

Okay, I seriously have problems.

Please kill me. Someone kill me. Now!!!

What should I do now? Wouldn’t it be better if I just wait for her to say something? Like for example “what is a twenty year old guy doing under my bed?” Or maybe she will just scream. I would scream too if I would find a woman in my room the moment I opened my eyes.

I screamed when I found a woman in my room the moment I opened my eyes. And I’m not talking about the w***e, Jeremy brought in my house. I’m talking about an i***t girl, who for some reasons got so obsessed with me when I was in high school, she hid in my wardrobe. And when I woke up, I was half naked as she was trying to lick me. I mean it. She was about to lick me. My f*****g chest.

And like the big boy I was, I screamed like a little girl. My scream woke up even the neighbours.

Laugh all you want. But what will you do when you wake up with a girl’s tongue touching your skin? For a moment I thought I would get rapped. Don’t give me that look. Males aren’t the only ones that can do those kind of things. Woman are more dangerous.

I met a man once that became a priest just because he was scared to get marry to a woman. Of course I advised him to marry a man, but he glared at me. Should I become a priest too? I would have made a sexy priest. And the most funny priest in the world’s history. Does the fact that I took drugs makes things complicated? Pff!!! Who cares?

I’m completely out of the topic here.

What is wrong with me? I am under the girl’s I once had a crush on, bed and what do I do?

I f*****g think of becoming a priest.

Well if I want that, I have to stop swearing.

What the f**k Jake???

Okay... It’s the time to grow the balls again.

Like the grown up man I was, I gow up slowly, out of the bed, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. What can a man say to a girl, when he just hid under her bed? “Hey babe?”

Not knowing what face I should have on, I was kind of glaring, smirking, grinning at the same time. To sum up I looked like was constipated. The first time you show her your face, and you make her wish you were faceless. Well done Jake. Seriously dude? Man up!!!

“Ry...”

Snore.

I looked at her. And she of course was sleeping. My mouth opened in surprise and annoyance at the same time. And finally I was glaring at her. “Are you f*****g kidding with me?” I whisper yelled annoyed.

Okay this is the second time. If there is a third, I swear I will shoot myself. It’s not easy to grow balls, girl!!! And to make it worse I just had to waste those grown balls for nothing. Two f*****g times.

An annoyed groan escaped as, I banged my head against the floor. I raised my eyes and looked up at the ceiling, “Do I tell her. Or not???” This was getting more annoying than it should.

I looked down at Ry who was sleeping peacefully, with a small smile on her lips. It was there... Playfully. Was that smile playing with me? And without noticing it, I was staring at her again. I was becoming a stalker like this. And hell no. That is the last thing I will become in my life.

And that’s when she coughed. My blood freeze, but it wasn’t the time to freeze. Some weird voices, shouted in my head. “RUN!!!”

And I jumped off the window.

Okay not literally jumped, because... Well I wouldn’t die, because it is just the second floor. But I would probably brake a leg and some other bones. And I know I’m crazy. But jumping off the window is too much even for me. If I would have wanted to die, I would have done it in the cool way. Leaving this world as a badass.

So like I was saying, I didn’t literally jumped of the window. In fact, I grabbed the tube near it and got down on the safe ground. A stupid smile formed on my lips at what happened.

As it turned around to leave the house, I stopped dead on my tracks. A little boy was staring at me. His body was frozen as his eyes were glued to me like that lollipop in his mouth. So I had a witness. Wonderful.

I walked to him smirking. “If you don’t say anything about what you saw, I might tell the Devil to don’t take you in hell.” What? I am great with children. Just not with the ones that can ruin my life and send me to jail.

The poor little guy, looked at me terrified and just nodded. I smiled at him and walked away when he shouted behind me. “Can you tell the Devil, hi from me?” He said with an innocent face and a small innocent smile in his freaking innocent face.

Now it was my time to feel terrified. Is this guy possessed or what? Because now I’m scared to get anywhere near him.

Nodding at the kid, I walked away. It was the time to think how stupid it was for falling asleep in Ry’s room.

What if she was the one to wake up first, and see me there sleeping in her bed. A total stranger.

There was something going really bad in my head. Like really, really bad. I should check that thing. Maybe I’m sick or something. Because sleeping in her room... On her bed...

Wait a second.

I stopped walking in the middle of the street, with my eyes opened wide.

It is impossible. It can’t happen. Not without the nightmares. How...

I slept...