Midnight Smiles

She doesn\'t deserve this

Apchoo!!!

Shit!

Fuck!

My throat aches.

“You seriously had to ran like a moron in the middle of the rain?” Natalie asked me with an annoyed voice. “Do you have any idea how problems you caused me, by storming like a Disney Princess off the hotel? There were people who wanted to meet you.” She took ice from the fridge and put it in the bag, and gave it to me. I put it on my burning forehead. “For most of the people you are a total mystery. You just publish books. Paint paintings... People love your work, but they have never seen your freaking face.”

I smiled, remembering Ry.

Maybe it’s a habit of me to don’t want to be known. But what was I doing to Ry wasn’t right. It was...

“It’s reckless Jake. You’re not eighteen anymore. You are twenty. You have to be mature. You have to act your freaking age.”

“I don’t know how to act my age. I have never been this old before.” I said smirking. She rolled her eyes at me, and not caring about the fact that I’m sick, she slapped the back of my head.

This woman can’t keep her hands off me. And it’s not in that kind of way. She is too violent for my own good.

“It’s your future Jake. You’re making me act like...” She stopped talking, trying to find the word she was looking for.

“Like what?”

“Like.... Like your freaking mother Jake. I...”

My heart ached. It ached so bad.

She gasped covering her mouth with her hands. “Jake, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I...”

“Get out please.” My voice was low.

“Jake, I swear I didn’t mean...”

“GET OUT!!!” I screamed.

“Jake...” Natalie’s voice was soft... She was trying to calm me down... regret, clear in her tone. But my heart ached. All I could think in those moments was hurt.

I got up from the bed and walked to her threateningly. Fear appeared in her eyes. But I chose to ignore it. I walked to her, and when our bodies were almost pressed together, I whispered to her, scaring even myself with the tone I used. “Get out.”

She stared at me for a few seconds, before storming out of the room. I slammed the door closed, and fell on the floor, my body pressed against the door. Tears rolled down my cheeks as memories hit my heart hard. It pained to remember everything... Every moment of those hated memories.

Memories stained with blood.

Her blood.

I shouted. My throat hurt, but I didn’t care. Would I ever be able to move on? To forget what happened? But I don’t want to forget her... Maybe just the bad memories... Can I forget those?

I got up and walked to the corner of the room where I kept my white cavances. My vision blurred from the tears. Anger built in me. Why was I angry? Because of what happened? Because of him? Because I am weak? Because I couldn’t do anything? Because the last time I talked to her, I shouted at her? Because of the bad decisions I have made in my life, ever since she... Would she be disappointed at me? At the person I have become? My father is...

The song changed into “Polarize” by Twenty One Pilots.

“Polarize is taking your disguises, Separating them, splitting them up from wrong and right, I’s deciding where to die and deciding where to fight, Deny, deny, denial.

I wanted to be a better brother, better son, Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done, I have none to show to the one I love, But deny, deny, denial.”

My fist punched the wall hard. Blood came out of my knuckles, some of it coloured the wall. My eyes glued at the blood...

Her blood.... Everywhere... Her eyes dead...

More tears escaped my eyes. It is pain... How can you forget pain?

I opened the music, letting it scream its lyrics to my heart as I took a brush and started to paint.

Will this ever end? Will the pain will ever be gone? Or will it be always there?

I can’t live this way.

But I don’t want to kill myself.

Suicide was out of the question. How could I kill myself? How can people even dare to kill their selves? I know I’m not mentally healthy. No one would be after experiencing what I experienced. But I’m not that crazy to kill myself. There is my soul. I can’t let it... I can’t just kick it out of my body. My soul is weak... dark and broken... but it’s my soul.

The thought of not being alive, it’s not scary.

The thought of being the one who killed me, scares me. I don’t want my last act in this life to be killing myself. The second I die, is the second I become a killer. And I don’t want to die as a killer.

Believe me when I say that being killed is better than killing, even though the one you kill is yourself.

I won't leave you, if you don’t leave me.

Her words echoed in my head. Do I really matter to her that much, she won’t leave me? Yeah I know we are... friends... but again... The thought of her needing me warmed my cold heart. That thing has been covered in ice for such a long time. And now... It melts at some words she said, probably without even thinking about what she was saying. But what if she really meant that?

I don’t want her to leave me... And the least I could do in return, is to don’t leave her.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks and stared at the painting which was half finished.

The reason why I write, is because it helps me to forget.

The reason why I paint is because it helps me clear my mind. It helps me think.

But got so lost in thoughts I didn’t know anymore what I was painting.... And for irony I painted what I was thinking...

I had paint a man crying, his eyes shut, with a gun in his hand pressed against his side of the head. His finger was on the trigger. He was ready to kill himself. But there was a white hand... Like an angel... Its skin looking so soft, it was tempting to touch it. That hand was on the man’s arm. It was a girl’s hand. Her long hair was brown and her blue eyes looked at the man in a caring way. They were sad, but she was smiling to him as her hand looked like she was trying to stop him from killing himself, by, pulling his arm down.

It felt so weird for me to see that painting. Was Ry the reason why I didn’t want to die?

Was she that important to me I would live just because so I could be with her. To see her smile.... To hear her voice... Just for that?

Was it possible?

“Jake...” Aiden said. I turned to see him covering my painting behind my back, like a girl would hide her diary. It felt too private... I was thinking about dying for God’s sake. “Are you okay?”

I just nodded to him, avoiding eye contact.

“Natalie told me what happened.” He said. I still refused to look him in the eye. What I was doing to him was so unfair. He is my brother. My little brother... I have to take care of him, and not him to take care of me. “She didn’t mean it Jake.”

“I know...” The words left my mouth mixed with a tired breath. The fact that I was sick didn’t helping either. I felt weak. Physically and emotionally.

“Why don’t you just... Forget it? Let it in the past?” My eyes raised and stared at him and I want sure what kind of feelings I was having in those moments. But I knew there was disbelief in that ocean of emotions.

“Are you really asking me that?” My voice raised a little bit, but anger was clear in my tone. His face didn’t change and that angered me even more.

“People die every day Jake. You don’t have to take it that way.” How could he speak like that with such a calm voice? Talk like she was a freaking dog and it’s death shouldn’t affect me so much? How could he?

I walked to him, clenching my fists. My hand went for his collar and grabbed it. His face showed fear for a few seconds but he covered it pretty well.

“Don’t you dare to talk about her like that.” I growled. He kept looking at me with a straight face. “Don’t you even care?” Is he for real?

“It’s not worth the pain you have put yourself through.”

I snapped at that sentence. I punched him in the face. My fist hit his chin, and I regretted it immediately. He is my little brother... But the way he was talking about her... That cold hearted sentence. I don’t know if he was serious with me and meant those words or he was just talking with me in purpose like this. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care, because what he said... He shouldn’t have said those things. He couldn’t be so heartless. She was...

“She was your mother you i***t. How do you dare talk about her like that?” I spit the words, but his face was still emotionless. He couldn’t be for real could he? She raised him, took care of him... was there for him when he needed her and now he just forgets her and talks about her in this way? Like she is just some woman who died. Not his...

“She wasn’t my mother.”

My body froze at his words.

“She was. She deserved to be called your mother.” I stepped back, not believing my ears.

She took care of him. Sometimes she took care of him more than me. He took my things, he placed himself in the centre of attention, and she never said a word. She just smiled at him. She... loved him.

Even though he wasn’t his son.

She considered him as his son. And now... He doesn’t even care?

No....

“Just let it in the past Jake.” He pushed me back and walked out of the room, leaving me there alone, staring at the place where a few seconds before he was standing. Why was he acting like that? How could talk about her like this? How could he???

She didn’t deserve the things that happened to her. And to make it worse, her own son talks about her in this way. She doesn’t deserve this.

Never did.

Never will.