Midnight Smiles

That muscle sometimes has a mind of its own

“You’ve gotta be kidding with me.” Jeremy threw his arms in the air rolling his eyes.

I chose to ignore him as I kept staring at the corner of the ceiling. My arms were hugging my knees as from time to time I frowned.

“Jake you still haven’t gone to see her?” He asked but I again ignored him. Let’s just say I wasn’t in mood to use my mouth to form words or sentences. I wasn’t in mood to open my mouth at all. Unless we are talking about ice cream. In that case my mouth is always open.

“You are being an i***t for God’s sake, Jake. Why are you acting like this?” I turned my head to him and looked at Jeremy with an emotionless face. My feelings, my thoughts were all well hidden from his observant eyes. “You are scared of your feelings aren’t you?”

Damn. The dude knows me too much we’ll.

“It’s not the right thing. I shouldn’t like her. I can’t like her. I will stay here till I forget my feelings about her and when I do, I will see her. She probably would have forgotten about me by then but let’s give it a shoot.” My eyes went back at the corner of the ceiling and glued there again. What an interesting corner.

“You mean you will stay on top of the fridge for years?” My eyes left the corner to see Jeremy raising an eyebrow at me as his eyes shot me with a flat look which slapped me straight on my face. Ouch!

“It’s pretty comfortable here and I will forget about my feelings in a few days. No need for the years.” Was my smartass come back.

“It has been like five days since you last met her, which means since you found out you like her. And you have spent a whole day locked in the bathroom, a day in the closet, two days on top of the roof and now you have more than twelve hours on top of that fridge, letting it only when you piss. And then you say all you need are a few days.” Okay my smartass come to the back was lame and bit me in my ass. If you are wondering why I spent two days on the roof, let me tell you that it was my favourite spot so yeah... “You liked her once Jake. And you never got over your feelings. You just pushed them aside. And now they came back in the center. Don’t waste your breath trying to don’t like her.”

“I hate you.” I glared at him as he chuckled.

The truth was that I was so scared shitless for liking my Ry... I missed her. I had five days without seeing her at all and it was worse than being a drug addicted and not get your drug. It was worse. It was like my soul needed her. It couldn’t live without her. And that scared me. She likes someone else. I know that. It’s not worth to even hope. It’s wrong. Hoping will destroy me.

And I don’t want to hope.

I can just like her and let it with that till she gets out of my life for good.

But the problem is that I am hoping. And that is what scares me so much. I am hoping she will like me back. And that hope will be the end for me. I know that. I know that so well it terrifies me.

“Go see her.”

“All of this will crush me.” My voice came out as a whisper. Jeremy gave me a small smile.

“You don’t know that. Maybe it will fix you.”

***

Oh God I’m such an i***t.

“Where are you going?” My father asked as I cursed myself again. Why should I give him explanations? And why am I feeling like I should?

“Out.” I chose to don’t look at him. He was trying. He was trying to fix things. I knew that. I could see that. But I wasn’t sure if I could just forgive him. If he was there for me, maybe I wouldn’t have turned to the person I became. Maybe I wouldn’t have nightmares. I wouldn’t have to stay awake to don’t see see my mother dead and take drugs and be so damned.

I could. I know I could forgive him. And somehow I felt it like someday I would. But I’m not ready yet. So it’s not happening anytime soon.

“Are you going to see her?” His words froze my whole body as I felt the colour leaving my face.

This time I turned towards him and with a very serious (and pale) face I talked. “How do you know about her?”

The look my father had in his eyes in those moments was guilt. That was something I haven’t seen in a while. He covered his emotions so good it was impossible to read him. You can read him if he chooses to let you do it.

“I heard you when you said everything to Jeremy and Natalie.”

That little James Bond!

I gave him a flat look and just left the house. Now... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?

I mean come on. How am I going to react in front of her? I like her. Am I supposed to give her hints that I do, or just keep my shitty feelings for myself and don’t let her ever find out? Or do it both? Wait how do I do it both? I think I lost my brain.

When I was under her window I took a deep breath like trying to calm down my heart which started to beat fast for no particular reason. Or maybe it had its own reasons but I didn’t know. Who knows? That muscle sometimes has a mind of its own. It’s pretty confusing if you ask me.

The window was open again. Does that mean she was waiting for me?

Yeah keep dreaming Jake.

“Ufff!” I heard the sigh coming from the other side of the room. My Ry was sitting with her back on me in her desk. A small light was lighting the desk. I heard her throwing the pencil on her desk frustrated. She didn’t feel me entering the room.

I walked towards her not making any sound and I have no idea what came over me, maybe because in those moments I chose to don’t think but just act, I wrapped my arms around her waist and put my face in her neck taking in her sweet scent. My mouth watered.

Her body froze and I knew she was freaking out. But I just smiled at that and pressed my lips against her neck. It felt so good to be like this. I didn’t want to let her go. “Hi my Ry!” I breathed the words on her neck smiling. My soul was aching for her. It needed her to be closer. It needed her.

She turned around slowly, and... Okay that’s the part when I let her go, but there’s no way I wanted to do that. I was acting like a little kid who won’t let go of the toy, but instead hugs it tighter. But that lead us to being so close... I was one breath away from her lips. OH MY GOD!!!

My heart was beating fast and I felt my cheeks warming up. But I couldn’t help and enjoy having her so close.

My mouth was watering because of her sweet scent. It was driving me crazy. The fact that she was so close... I blushed even more. Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m blushing. I am freaking blushing.

“Hi!” She said awkwardly.

Jake... LET HER GO YOU i***t!!!

Pfff... Okay.

I smiled and finally let her go. Turning off the light on her desk, I took off my hoodie. Thank you God for being dark, because I was still blushing and my heart wouldn’t stop beating fast. It was like... I have no idea what it was like. I never felt like this before. Most of the time I felt like this, was when I was around her, but I just ignored it. But now that I knew... That I hoped... I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Ry looked towards her window and then back at me. “Well you finally decided to show up.” She sounded pissed. She sounded like she has been waiting for me these days. And even though I should have felt guilty for letting her waiting, I couldn’t help and think about the fact that she actually wanted to see me.

“You missed me Ry?” I smirked at her. The voice was playfully. I sat on the floor and waited for her to do the same as well. She looked down at me for a few seconds and then sat, but away from me. Okay what was that for? I didn’t see her for five days. I want her to be closer to me. I know it’s my fault why we didn’t meet, but who cares. Anyway.

“Not at all.” She said and her words ached my soul for a second, but then I noticed the playfully tone she used, and smirked at her. Why the f**k is she so far away?

I think I’m mentally ill, because it was like I was dying to have her close to me. This is weird and not healthy at all. But however, with a fast beating heart, I grabbed her thighs (WTF AM I DOING?) and pulled her closer to me till our knees touched.

“Better now.” I let out a relieved breath since I made it to don’t faint or have a heart attack as I touched her freaking thighs. Jake man up for God’s sake. You are acting like you never touched a female before in you life.

Did I?

My eyes glued at her and barely noticed a small frown on her face. She was avoiding my eyes and that ached me straight in the soul again. “Hey!” I took her chin in my hand and made her look at me. “What is wrong?”

She smiled at me, but it was a fake one. I knew that. I know those smiles better than anyone. “Nothing is wrong.” She said and hugged me tight.

I smiled. Of course I was smiling. My stupid heart was jumping up and down like a f*****g kangaroo from the happiness because I had her close to me again. I seriously have serious problems. I’m serious!!!

“How are you?” I asked and she sighed. Okay something is definitely wrong with her.

“Do you have sad eyes Midnight?” Her question caught me by surprise. It confused me. It scared me. It remembered me how scared I was to show her my demons. I wanted to keep her away from them. I wanted her to take me away from them and not share them with her. Why could they just... Disappear? Just be magically gone?

“What do you mean?” I chose to play dumb.

“Nothing. Forget about it.” She looked away from me again. Should I tell her everything?

“No tell me.”

“We always talk about me. And I don’t know how you feel, because all I can see are your lips. And what if you are sad, but you are hiding behind the smile or the smirk? And that is what is bugging me. You have told me that there is a broken part of you but nothing more.” I frowned a little bit. But I felt like smiling in fact. She was smart... She knows me so well even though she doesn’t know me at all. She is so right... But yet... I didn’t want to share my demons with her. I rather keep them for myself a little longer. Maybe even try to kill them...

“s**t happened to me Ry. And it’s just too much to go through right now.” My eyes went to the floor as my mind was playing again tricks with me. For a second I swear I saw blood on the floor. Memories still played roughly with me.

“I want you to tell me. Something. Anything.”

“It...” I sighed as I tried to get my eyes of the floor, but they were glued so bad. My eyes were glued to the blood I knew my mind was hallucinating. I hid my face behind my hands. “I have lost a lot in my life... And now that I kind of have you... I don’t want to loose you yet.”

“You won’t loose me.” She hugged me again.

And my heart stopped again.

I knew it was because of what she said. It wasn’t the first time. But the fact that she was also hugging me wasn’t helping at all. It actually made me feel... I was feeling warm. Actually I was burning inside. Right in the middle of my chest.

I was on fire.

And that’s the perfect time to start singing in my head the song “I’m on fire” by Bruce Springsteen.

Things got weird.

That’s what happens when you let Aiden to choose the song in the car. You hear those kind of songs that make your ears bleed. Have you heard the song? It’s so... I don’t know? Horny? Like it came out of a porn movie? And this wasn’t the right moment to think of horny songs.

“Okay... Just let stop talking about sad things.” I whispered in her ear and I tried to let her go, but her arms remained around me. A smile formed on my lips at that. I didn’t want her to let me go. I didn’t want to let her go. It felt so right to stay like this.

We probably looked like those cute babies hugging each other. I chuckled at that thought. She smelt so nice. Okay now I’m being creepy. “It’s okay Ry. You can let me go now.” Yep. Let me go, or I will not be able anymore to control myself and I might end up biting your neck. I don’t know why I would do that. I felt like doing that. I am weird. I have my weird moments. Let’s deal with that.

She backed away slowly.

Now... Since I had five days without seeing her, I wanted to do something fun. I wanted us to have fun. So I made my plans before going out of the house. “Do you want to do something fun?”

“You mean going out again?” Her voice sounded excited as she smiled. She looked like a little kid. It made her look cute. I smiled at that.

“Yes.” I said with confidence but then it died down. What if she doesn’t want to come? “If you want to of course.” Her smile softened as she just nodded looking again like a kid. How could I not smile at her?

“Then let’s go.” I said getting up, giving her my hand to help her up as well. I walked towards the window and leaned out of it and grabbed the tube to get down. I heard fast footsteps running towards the window. A smirk appeared on my lips as I knew she was scared I was hurt.

I raised my head to see her putting the hoodie on my head and the mask on my face. She was leaned out of the window looking down at me with a terrified expression. I just smiled at her and waved like a kindergarten kid at her. I am two and a half. Gugugaga!

To don’t mention mentally damaged.

Once she was on the safe ground I noticed her pyjamas and started to laugh.

“What?” she frowned.

“You are in your Cinderella pyjamas and you are barefoot.” She looked down at her feet and frowned even more. “What’s with the Disney pyjamas?” I asked smiling.

“I love Disney. DEAL WITH IT.” She whisper yelled at me. Now she got me. There’s no way of going back from liking her. She loves Disney? Is she my soul mate? Oh my God I like her even more now.

Ry glared at me as I was still laughing at her and walked around the house. She walked towards the front door and wore some boots she found there and ran to me quickly.

We started to walk but then I remembered.

I took her hand in mine, trying to ignore the feelings in my stomach and my chest, and stopped her. She gave me a confused look.

I moved some hair from her face, smiling at her beautiful face. I took out of my jeans’ pocket the black mask and put it on her face. She looked up at me and smiled.

I took her hand in mine again and we started to walk again. It was just a hand holding or whatever. But it was making me feel like a hight school girl. The smile was glued on my face and I loved this thing. I loved how she was able to make me smile without even knowing it or even trying. If she would try I would be dead because of the happiness for sure.

But the fact that one day all of this would end scared me. How could I live without the smiles she gives me? Without her laughing? Without her voice? I didn’t have any idea. And here I was hoping.

People talk about hope and how important it is and s**t like that. But sometimes that hope kills more than bullets and hurt more than words. I don’t want to be a victim of hope.

“Where are we going?” She asked.

I didn’t look at her, but stared in front of me. Her words snapped me out of my thoughts and I smiled.

“Firstly we need food. Junk food. A lot of it.”

“I like the idea.” She grinned at me like a little kid in a candy store. That made me laugh. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head while still laughing. It was just a stupid excuse of having her closer. Of kissing her...

“You are like a little girl Ry. Like a child.” She frowned. “But I like that about you.” So this is how you show her you like her but still leave her clueless. Now I got it.

We walked down the road as my arm slipped away from her shoulders, and but I took her hand in mine again having the feelings again. I feel so girly. I swear.

The supermarket wasn’t far so in five minutes we were there. It was one of those 24 hours open kind of supermarket. I had noticed it when I left her house the second or third time.

A smirk formed on my lips when I noticed the cashier’s face when he saw us. In his defence he was witnessing pure weirdness. We were two teenagers walking in the middle of the night in a supermarket, (one of them with pyjamas, and Cinderella pyjamas) wearing masks.

“I don’t have money with me.” I heard Ry mumbling.

“Don’t worry. I will pay.”

“But...” She started to protest but I cut her off.

I don’t know for you but I like being a gentleman. You know like those weird men who open doors and pay for the girls and take off their coat? Yeah like that. But I don’t do things like that. I let the girl to eat from my ice cream and let her take the first spoon. Maybe even let her finish it. And I might even make a place for her in my closet.

I’m that kind of gentleman. I could do those things for Ry.

“No ‘but-s’ Ry. Now let’s race. Who keeps more junk food in their arms is the winner.” I said as Ry laughed at me. I could die hearing that laughter and not care at all about the little unimportant fact that I’m dying.

Now I said I am a gentleman and these guys usually leaves the woman win. But eh, I have my own ways of gentlemaning. So I just ran. Obviously I was cheating.

“You’re cheating!!!” Ry shouted at me laughing and ran as well.

When she was near me I had already started to fill my arms with God knows what. Who cares. I will win. Mwhahahahahhhahahahaha!!!

Such a gentleman I know.

Ry widened her eyes seeing me. I smirked at her. She gave me a glare and started to grab everything her hand touched.

“Time out!” I shouted and started to run, or better say trying to run, since I was trying not to drop anything. Ry on the other side, just was practically hugging the things she was keeping. I noticed her laughing and almost dropped everything when she saw me grabbing some bags of chips with my teeth. I said I will win this.

When we finally paid for everything, we walked out of the supermarket fighting. In my defence she started it.

“I won. I totally won.” She glared at me.

“No way. Have you seen this arms? I can hold you let alone some junk food.” I grinned at her showing my arm’s muscles at her. Yeah daddy saved the muscles without working out. Well climbing up her window is some kind of work out... And running away from Aiden when I put make up on his face while he’s sleeping... Or when the dog of our neighbour chases me...

“Show off.” She scoffed at me and I smiled. I pulled her closer to me and took her in my arms bridal style as she screamed in my ear during the process. I’m deaf now.

“Told ya’.” I smirked and she rolled her eyes. I felt like... Kissi-not going there. But... “Now if you give me a small kiss, I will let you down and admit that I lost.” The words escaped my lips. Wow. Well done Jake. I’m out of my mind. Ry blushed and for a moment I thought she was disgusted of the thought. But her lips touched my cheek slowly.

I almost dropped her on the floor from the shock and the heart attack I was going through. My knees felt weak and my stomach went all Jackie Chan in me. I barely managed to smile at her and put me down before I would drop her and probably faint. I don’t know why I was reacting like this. But it was probably because my heart had been so dull lately and the sudden change... It didn’t give enough time to take things slowly and keep it calm. It made my heart go crazy at the smallest thing. “You won. But since I got the kiss, I think I won something more.” I grinned at her and she rolled her eyes again.

I started to walk down the road because if I didn’t I would be staring at her and God knows what would happen after that. Ry followed me and we walked side by side talking about nothing.

We sat in the edge of the roof of an abounded flat and ate the junk food.

“I’m pretty sure, pasta isn’t a junk food.” I said teasing her and that earned me a glare.

“I didn’t notice that they were pasta. Like you’re better than me. You took freaking chicken wings. Frozen chicken wings.” She smirked and I smiled sheepishly. “How is that categorized as junk food?”

“Fine.” I groaned. A soft chuckle left her lips.

I looked at her and... The fear hugged me again. My eyes moved from her and glued to nothing. Why it ached so much to think of her leaving me? Maybe because it will be the reality in a while? I should build a time machine or find a way of stopping the time. I wanted to live in those kind of moments. I wanted all my life to be just these moments. Nothing more.

I didn’t want to think about my dead mother about the Devil in my house I call father, about drugs, nightmares, the stupid decisions I made, about my demons and how screwed I was.

I didn’t have to think about these when I was with her. When I was with her I was just me. Happy...

“You can shout.” She said. That made me look at her confused. “I know something is bothering you. And you can shout. You can shout it out, just to get it out of you somehow. You know... that stupid feeling that makes you brake things. You can shout that feeling out.”

How could she understand me so well? And she cares, doesn’t she? She cares about me?

I stood up.

“If I shout... you will shout with me.” I smiled at her and helped her up. She stared at my face. Or better say what I was letting her see.

“Deal.” She said and I smiled at her as she faced the sky and closed her eyes. I just stared at her admiring her free spirit. “One...” She said with confidence.

“Two...” I whispered taking her hand in mine and tightened my grip on it, not wanting to let go of her and this moment. I had so many feelings in me, they were making me sick in a weird way.

“Three...” We said at the same time.