Midnight Smiles

To get my sanity, by loosing it

"I've had enough

There's a voice in my head

Says I'm better off dead

But if I sing along

A little f*****g louder

To a happy song

I'll be alright

You want to give up

Gave it all that you've got

And it still doesn't cut

But if you sing along

A little f*****g louder

To a happy song

You'll be just fine cause..."

"You scare me with those songs." Aiden said to me, cutting me off. Well thank you very much for not letting me get to the best part of the song...

"Bring me the horizon is an epic band." I defended my favourite band, getting off the table.

Well... I chose to get lost in the song and loose control of myself. It's easier that way sometimes. One of my so many ways to forget. So... As I was singing I may have got on the table and pretend to playing the guitar.

"You're have taken... Those "pills" again, haven't you?" He frowned at me. I frowned as well. It wasn't his fault... And I knew he felt uncomfortable with the fact that I take drugs. That was the reason why he called them pills. It was like he didn't want to admit it to himself. I hated doing this to him, since I was the only one left to him. With our dad, staying away from us all the time... I had to take care for him. And what do I do? I take drugs...

It's not like I take them regularly. Just once a week. It helped me to forget. To don't see those nightmares anymore. Funny how the reason I take drugs is to keep myself sane. Because if I keep seeing those nightmares, I will loose my sanity. And after that.... Maybe even more.

"Just a small one." I smiled at him... It was fake. He was my little brother... How could I do this to him?

"Jake..." He started to say, but stopped talking. It was like the words stuck in his throat. His green eyes stared at me, with a small smile in his lips. "One day you will be yourself without using those pills."

"Let's hope." I whispered to myself as Aiden left the room.

I was myself when I took those drugs, didn't I? But how was I before?

A total weirdo who was willing to embarrass his little brother in public all the time.

I shook my head. Nothing helpful would come from thinking about people we will never meet again. Starting the song again, with my terrible voice, following the lyrics, I took a brush in my hand and stared at the white cavance. Without knowing what I was doing, I let the music and the drug take over me again, as the brush was moving on the white cavance leaving there the red paint. Such a dark red... Almost black.

Like blood... Lots of blood covering the floor... The white floor...

"We are possessed

We're all f****d in the head

Alone and depressed..."

Blood... Coming from the cut on her vein. All that blood on the floor... Coming to my bare feet. The warmth of it giving me a sick feeling as it embraces the skin of my feet. It was blood. Her blood...

I shook my head hard. No... No... No... The brush fell on the floor, making the carpet red. My head was heavy... And for a moment I felt like the gravity being the b***h it was, pulled me down to the floor by my boxers. A laugh escaped my mouth as I imagined that. My hands rubbed my face hard, like I was trying to call some sence in me.

I looked down at my hands. They were covered in red. Was it blood? Or was it the paint?

Lazily I got up from the floor as the song change to an other one. I smiled. "Avalanche". A nice song... I took the brush in my hand again, and started to paint again. Not knowing the reason, I was laughing. It felt nice... To laugh... Even though it was caused by drugs. It still felt nice.

"It's like an avalanche

I feel myself go under

Cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck

I never stood a chance

My heart is frozen over

And I feel like I am treading on thin ice..." I started to scream the lyrics. I have no idea why. It felt nice. Like I was kicking all the bad thoughts out of me.

***

"Where are you going?" Aiden asked me, as I was opening the front door. "It is almost midnight. It's too late Jake." He was worried, but still I could notice a small smile in his lips. Like he was remembering something. I didn't think a lot about it. As long as it made him smile, I didn't care about the reason.

"To get my sanity, by loosing it." I said to him and he glared at me. My dear little brother hated when I talked like that... Using words that could exist only in books. But when you write one... The words just stuck in your vocabulary... You can't help it most of the time.

"Its too late Jake." He said again.

"Most of the things happen late in night Aiden... It's the only time people feel comfortable... No matter how or when... You will at least one time in your life, smile in the darkness just because."

"I hate when you talk like that."

A small laugh, almost a cold one, left my mouth. "Don't wait me up A-boy." My voice somehow managed to get out soft and warm. That was all I could give to him. God knows how much I try to be a better person. It is hard though...

Like I said... No matter how or when... You will at least one time in your life, smile in the darkness just because. As I raised my head to the dark sky of the night, a smile escaped my lips. It felt like a maniac smile. But it was a smile right?

The streets were empty as the darkness embraced them like a warm blanket... People misunderstand the darkness. It's not always cold. Sometimes it is warm. And comfortable. For people like me it feels nice.

I had walked for a half and hour, when I finally saw the man I was meeting tonight. Even though I hate to admit it to myself, the reason why I was out so late was to buy drugs. But like I said... Drugs helped me get my sanity by loosing it. It didn't make any sense. But most of the things you hear don't. You just have to look closer.... Hear better...

"Do you have the money?" The man's voice came from a dark corner. My head snapped towards him, as I once again had that cursed fear in my heart. It was just like the first time. The thought of buying drugs made my whole being disagree with that, by putting fear in my heart to play with my already confused thoughts in my mind.

"Yes." I sighed with a surprisingly tired voice.

Slowly the man walked out of the darkness to me. The lights of the street fell on his face. He wasn't to old. Too young either. The dark hair looked wild, probably because of the wind playing with it. The fact that he wasn't to tall, helped me to crush the fear in my heart slowly and roughly. You can't be easily intimidated by someone shorter than you.

"Do you have what I need?" I asked still surprised from my tired voice. Why was it like that? Physically I wasn't tired. Not even a bit. But my voice was...

The man nodded, taking something out of his pocket. For a moment I was scared of seeing a knife or a gun. Thankfully... I think... It was just a small plastic packet with my drug there. I need to let that s**t. To stop taking it. But the thought of the nice feeling of loosing my nightmares and being able to sleep at least a few days a week, made me take the money from my pocket and give it to the man.

He gave me the packet. But when I was about to leave, his hand grabbed my forearm stopping me. "What?" The fear in my heart grew again. The funny thing was that it felt like it never left me at first place.

"You didn't pay in time the last time." His voice felt dangerous. It was low... And powerful.

"But I still payed." A frown formed in my lips. This was stupid. Why am I even doing this? Oh yeah... Sanity... Or that was how I called it. Maybe it was just the only way of stopping me from thinking about ending everything. It was the way to stop me. Because I don't want to do it. I couldn't do that to myself... To my brother.

"I know that. But just so you won't repeat that..." Two men came out of a car that was parked not too far from where me and the man were standing. Was it there from the beginning? "We will give you a lesson." The men came to me. Their size punched fear in my whole being. Wow... Someone have been in gym lately... A lot of you ask me. Do these guys live there?

But before I could answer to my question, a punch came to my face, taking me by surprise as I fell on the floor. And then came the kicks in my stomach, leaving me breathless. Now you may think that I would laugh at the pain, enjoy it. But no... I wasn't like that. I didn't cut myself. Pain never felt good to me. Pain hurts... This is how it will always be. What hurts, hurts.

My mind was getting foggy. Or was it my eyes? The pain wasn't letting me think straight. In fact... It was getting harder and harder to think anything. But for some reasons, there was an annoying voice coming from the distance. It felt familiar. Like I had hear it somewhere before.

The men left running. And that's when it hit me. The realization not one of those men. It was the police. Call it an instict or whatever... But I got up immediately and ran away from the sirens. Who were they following or were they following me at the fire place, didn't matter to me. I had drug with me. That wouldn't bring anything good no matter what.

I freaked out as the sirens came closer to me. The only reasonable thing to me was to hide. To hide somewhere where I would be sure they wouldn't find me. As I was running, my eye caught an open window. Now for sure I was still under that drug effect I took earlier today or that man punched every reason out me, but I found myself climbing up to that window using a tube next to it.

In stead of getting in the room like a normal person would do... Wait normal people never enter a room from the window... Who cares? On those moments I felt powerless. My body fell on the floor with a loud noise.

Someone ran to me.

Okay... I didn't think of the possibility of someone else being in the room. I am an i***t aren't I?

A sweet scent came from the person. It was a girl. Her dark figure was small and I could notice the long hair touching her shoulders. She sat on her knees and I felt her eyes on me. Scared of her seeing me, I let my hair cover my face. Even though it was stupid. It was the middle of the night. The lights were off. She couldn't see me even if I wanted her to.

Her small hand brushed my hair from my face. Her thumb slightly touched the place the man punched me earlier, making me groan in pain.

"Are you okay?" And those three words stopped my heart. Made me forget everything. The pain, what happened tonight, the nightmares, even who I was.

And other groan escaped from my mouth as I recognized the voice. I felt like laughing. What game was life playing to me? Bringing me in the room of the girl I once had a crush on. I never talked to her. She was younger than me. It was stupid. So I left it like that. A stupid crush...

"I will turn on the light." She whispered and was about to stand up.

I panicked again as I grabbed her wrist to don't let her move. She couldn't see my face. I wasn't going to allow her see me like this. I didn't want her to see me at all. She probably doesn't even know who I am. After all she never noticed me at first place. But all of this would be weird and stupid if she sees my face.

"Don't." My voice came out weak.

She frowned at me. The little light coming from the street outside let me notice that much. But my eyes were glued to her face. She looked concerned. She sounded like that. Her face...

I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw her getting up and walking away. She took something in her hands and walked to me again. Slowly she helped me to lean against the wall. I felt again her eyes on me. It made me slightly uncomfortable. "I need the light to see, so I can help you." She said frowning.

A small smile formed in my lips. It surprised me actually. Was I smiling? Like a real smile? Not a cold one? Not a sad one? A real smile that could actually reach my eyes?

"No. Just... Give me water. Please." I whispered still smiling. My voice became soft. For the first time since I can't remember, I actually felt good. I felt... light. Like I didn't weight at all.

She got up again and walked to the side of her bed and took a bottle and walked to me again. My eyes were closed as I was trying to enjoy as much as I could those nice moments of feeling so light. It was like I was empty inside. But a good and nice way of feeling empty.

She sat closer to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to keep me straight while with the free hand, she placed the bottle between my lips and let the water flow down my throat.

Not even noticing any of these I gulped the water a few times. All I could think was the feeling I had in those moments. Why was it there?

I leaned against the wall, with the smile still in my lips. Was I smiling at the game life was playing to me? Because I could not stop it. I didn't even know what was I thinking in those moments.

She moved away from me and sat in front of me. I kept my eyes closed trying to don't loose these moments with me as long as I could.

"Who are you?" Her soft voice took me back to reality. Reality... A dark place where pain is my best friend. A heavy breath left my mouth as I thought that.

Remembering why I was here, how I got here... And that I had a packet with drug in my pocket... I breathed slowly. "I better get go." This was stupid and I didn't have any rights to enter in her life like this and mess it up just like that. Unwillingly I got up and leaned out of the window and wrapped my hands around the tube I used to climb up here.

"You will fall!" She whisper yelled at me with a panicked voice. Not knowing how the f**k it happened, a laugh escaped my mouth. I laughed? Without using any drugs? Just like that? I laughed.

"Don't worry. I will be fine. Thank you for helping me Ryder." The words left my mouth as I used the tube to get down in the safe ground.

I laughed... I smiled... Those thoughts were echoing in my mind as I walked down the empty road slowly, trying to process everything. My head tuned towards her window... She was still there looking at me.

And I smiled once again.