Midnight Smiles

My zombie part

"Jake!" Aiden called my name as soon as I stepped in the house. "Where were you?" His voice was concerned and I could tell that he was tired. Not doing what I told him to do, he waited up for me. The i***t. My little i***t brother.

"I bought my sanity. It cost a lot tonight." I said with a weak voice. He gasped as he saw my bruised face and... Well my whole condition. It wasn't fair what I was forcing him to go through, just because I couldn't drown my demons.

The lyrics of the song "Can you feel my heart" by Bring me the horizon came to my mind.

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Maybe it wasn't healthy to hear songs like that when you are like me... Dark inside. But I couldn't help it. Any happy songs would make me smash my head against the wall so hard, it will leave a mark... Like in those cartoons...

"You should go to sleep." I whispered to him with a tired voice. He nodded not arguing with me,not even asking me any question for the condition I was in right now. It was better that way. The more I kept him away from the life I was currently living the better. Aiden was a nice guy. With a kind heart... I can't let that kindness to leave his heart, just because I'm messed up.

As Aiden left upstairs, I sat on the couch in the living room, and glued my eyes to the white ceiling. A smile... That smile... Formed again in my lips as I thought about what happened tonight. It was weird.... Was it a coincidence? Or fate? What am I talking about? Such thing as fate doesn't exist. Fate... If it existed... Mine was dark. No light anywhere in sight. Darkness...

And still with those thoughts in my head, I was smiling. Why was I smiling for f**k's sake? I got beaten up. I... saw her. Was it stupid? Because it felt like that. It was stupid. And even though it was freaking me out, that smile felt so good. I could actually feel that smile.

I'm such an i***t.

Tired and cursing myself for being the i***t I was, I got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen to get some coffee. For some unknown reason, the drug in my pocket didn't feel that right like the other times. Maybe it was a one time thing, but I didn't want to take it. I was tired, but unlike the other times, my body, my being wasn't carving for sleep... for the peace only sleep could give you. It was like I had found and other peace... But that was stupid right? I haven't found any peace at all. I was still me. Nothing had changed.

With the cup of coffee in my hand, I locked myself in my room and turned up the lights. The painting I started early in the morning, was still there in the middle of the room... Unfinished... Waiting for me.

Taking a sip from my coffee, I took the brush in my hand, and left the coffee on the desk as I started to paint again. My muscles relaxed... My mind somehow emptied itself and I felt like I didn't exist. Was it a feeling? Was it a thing? There was no other way, I could describe the way I was feeling in those moments.

The most honest feelings can't be described by words that make any sense.

It is impossible. Because they are feelings... You can't describe them as objects...

It was almost morning when I finished the painting. I took a few steps away to take a full view of what I had done. But I frowned... Why did I draw that?

It was a shirtless man... Looking down at his chest where his heart was... But his chest was opened up right where his heart was, and you could see it... beating... The blood rolling down his chest. The man's hand was on his heart... And the expression he had taken... That was what made me wonder... He looked scared... shocked... freaked out... But he was smiling. So many feelings in his face and his eyes... As he stared down at his heart... Was it because... His heart wasn't beating... But started to beat?

I shook my head at those thoughts. What was wrong with me? Maybe I should burn it.

"Oh my God, it's perfect." A gasp came from the door. I rolled my eyes as I turned to face Natalie.

"How did you get in?" As I can remember I locked the door when I entered the room.

"I have a spare key." She said, without getting her eyes off the painting. "Jake this is amazing. It has so emotions hidden in it..." Her hand begged to touch the cavance, but she didn't as the paint was still fresh.

"Are you crying?" I asked in disbelief. I can't believe this woman. Never in my life, since I have met her, I have seen her cry. Not even when she broke up from her boyfriend or when her cat died... This woman loved her cat more than her boyfriend (the cat was the reason why they broke up).

And she was crying now? Staring at a stupid painting even I couldn't understand?

Wow... People, I represent you with my manager.

"It is so beautiful... It gives you hope." She whispered. "Jake... This is your first painting that mirrors hope. It is so..." Tears came out of her eyes. "Oh my God!"

"You have to be kidding right?" This was unbelievable. "The man's chest is open up. He has his heart almost popping out of it. He is covered in blood. How can that give you hope???" I screamed the words frustrated. Why was I feeling like that?

"It's not all about that Jake. He looks happy... Scared, but happy. Like he is feeling his heartbeat for the first time. And that scares him. But he is happy. Oh my God Jake... "

From all of those words she said, one stuck in my head. Happy? How could I draw such a painting?

"Whatever." I frowned throwing the brush in a glass with water. "Just take it out of my room. I don't want to see it. It feels weird to me."

"It scares you, doesn't it?" I raised an eyebrow at her. "Don't give me that look Jake. That painting came from something you felt. And that scares you."

"Stop talking like that." I threw my arms in the air. "You are making me feel like that stupid zombie in the "Warm Bodies" movie." Why was she saying all of these things to me? It's not like anything changed in me. I still had my demons... I still stood all the night awake to don't see those nightmares... I still drew horrifying paintings... Ones that show pain and sadness. This one isn't any different.

"Jake darling... If you haven't notice... You are a zombie." Okay that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. But still I looked down to myself, to make sure. What? Everything can be possible.

I was alive. My hand went to my heart and it was beating... It felt nice to feel your heartbeat... But my soul... That was my zombie part.

I looked around the room but Natalie wasn't there. She had left and I didn't even notice it. Ugh!!!

Not knowing what to do now that I have finished the painting, I threw myself in the bed, with my eyes closed. My whole being felt tired. It was begging me to sleep. But let's agree about something from the beginning... I was scared. I was a scaredy cat.

That fear I have... The fear in man's eyes... They weren't the same one. He was scared of... Well let's admit it, the painting meant new life. His heart was beating for the first time, and that took the man from his comfortable zone and he was scared of the new life he was beginning... But he was happy about it too. And me? I was scared of loosing against my demons. I was scared of fighting them in first place...

"You will fall!" Ryder's words echoed in my head... Her tone... Her voice... And the freaking stupid thing came again in my face. It was the smile if you didn't realize yet. I smiled again. What the f**k was with this smile?

I got up from the bed and took my place in my desk, in front of my laptop... Maybe the best thing to do now, is to write... After all I had to be writing a book months ago. The problem was nothing came to me, if you don't count all the bloody scenes I could write.

My fingers brushed the keys of the keyboard as my eyes stared at the blank page in the screen. I typed...

"Chapter 1."

***

I have to see her.

I have to see her.

I have to see her.

No, I can't see her.

"UGH!!!!" I groaned loudly pissed at myself.

What the f**k is wrong with me? I can't just show up at her room just like that. Why do I even want to see her again in the first place? It is stupid. She doesn't know me. And probably thought I was a drugged man, entering her room to rape her. Well she would be right about the drug part.

But I don't know... I wanted to talk te her. It was like a need. Like an other drug... Okay I was officially addicted. What the f**k is wrong with me? Comparing a girl with a drug? Who am I? Edward Cullen? No I'm not. Do I look to you like I can read minds? No!!! So yes. I'm an i***t. With a capital I.

I won't go to her room again like a freaking maniac.

***

I'm going to her room again like a freaking maniac.

Oh my God!!! What the f**k am I doing? This is so wrong and f**k I'm such an i***t. The funny thing is I haven't taken any drugs, so this is even more wrong that it could be. If I was high in drugs I could blame it on the drugs. What am I going to blame now? My f*****g f****d up mind?

I'm an i***t.

I'm a moron.

I'm a dork.

And this was the worst idea ever. What the f**k, the window is closed. Why didn't I think about it before??? What is wrong with me? Okay I'm stuck. I couldn't get in the room, because the window is closed.... And I couldn't get down in the ground... Because my mind full of s**t didn't want me to. So like the moron I was, I knocked on the window.

I hate myself.

Ryder pushed the curtains away, and let out a faint scream as she looked at me. Okay this idea is turning out to be the worst one ever. She was staring at me without moving and I was in a really uncomfortable position, and yet here I was waiting for her to open the window.

Or at least I was hoping she would open it.

I was thankfully wearing a hoodie so it could cover my face. Because in those moments she was staring at me, like she could actually see my face and I still felt like not showing it to her.

Why it felt like she could see my demons if she saw my face?

I'm starting to think my middle name is i***t. Think about it. Jake i***t Caley. Amazing.

As I was thinking of leaving, I saw her smile. It was a small one. Almost unrecognizable. But it was there and I saw it. That made me smirk. Okay, this is too much now. Smiling, laughing and now smirking? Why is all of these happening?

I pointed at the window and mouthed her to open it. It would be a lie if I say that I knew she would open the window. The truth was that I was still scared that she won't let me in. That would be the best decision. But she opened it and stepped back to let me in. That surprised me.

Why did she let me in? The first time I broke in. But now she could choose to let me out. And she didn't. She let me in.

"You are amazing Ry." My voice was low. Her face showed fear, when I took a few steps closer to her. I took of my hood and ran my hand through my hair. It was dark enough in the room for her to don't see my face. It would be better if I didn't show her my face.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice came out shaky. The smirk I was still holding in my lips, fell to be replaced by a small smile. She was scared... Who could blame her for that?

Not knowing how to make her understand that I wouldn't hurt her, I sat on the floor crossing my legs under me. Acting like all of this is normal, maybe it will make all of this normal.

"I wanted to thank you." I said as she sat in front of me in the same position. Well that was a lie. A white one. Funny how people call lies white. I wouldn't blame them for that. After all the truth is almost all the time in a dark colour.

"How are you?" She asked smiling at me. Maybe it was contagious... Her smile I mean... Because mine wasn't leaving my face.

"Fine." Her eyes were staring at my lips. I didn't notice it till now. Why did it make me feel something weird? She was just looking right? "I'm sorry if I scared you."

Her head shook lightly. Stop! Stop smiling. Why was she smiling? I was a psychopath entering her room in the middle of the night from the window. She should be terrified by me. Scream... Shout... Yell... Everything... Anything... But no. She is still smiling.

"Why my room?" Her words snapped me out of whatever I was in. The moment I looked up at her eyes, made me realize that I was staring at her smile.

"I didn't know it was yours. But I'm thankful it was. I must have scared you and I'm sorry about that." Jake for God's sake stop being such an i***t for once in your life. Stop staring at her smile.

I had to go. This wasn't anything good. What good could came from a man entering an eighteen year old girl's room in the middle of the night? I was insane. I took drugs for f****d sake. I could never be good news for her.

"What happened to you last night?" If she knew what happened... The truth was I didn't want her to think bad of me, even though she didn't know me at all. Maybe if I told her the truth, that would end all of this. And ending all of this would be the best thing ever.

But I couldn't.

"I fought with a guy as he tried to take my money." I stopped talking and took a deep breath. What are you doing Jake? "Someone called the police, but this guy left before it arrived and somehow the police chased me thinking I was the bad one in this story." I was such an i***t. And still... That freaking smile appeared again in my face when I remembered how I ended up in her room. "I noticed your window open and decided to hide here. Maybe it was fate." Did I really say that? But I don't believe in fate... I...

"How do you know my name?"

Leave Jake. LEAVE!!!

But I didn't want to.

"I have seen you around." A smirk formed in my lips as I remembered the times I would notice her walking down the hallways of the school... So close to me... And still she wouldn't notice me.

"Can I see your face?" That question made me frown again. But I was used to frowning... Why didn't I want to show her my face. My face would be just a stranger's one. She didn't know me. It wouldn't change anything...

Have you ever heard what people say about eyes? Mine are like holes full of pain... What if I scared her away with my demons? What if she could see them?

"No."

"Why? I won't tell anyone who you are. I promise."

"Maybe an other time. Just not now."

"Then tell me your name." She insisted crossing her arms over her chest, looking like an angry kid. I tried to stop an other smile... What was with me and all of these smiles?

And no... What was the point of hiding my face if I told her my name?

"Hmm... Call me..." I looked up at the corner of the ceiling trying to think of something. I shouldn't be here.

LEAVE Jake!!!

"Okay, then. I got it. You don't want me to know your name." I looked down at her with curiosity. Why is she being nice with me? "I will find you a name." I raised an eyebrow at her. Why was she trying to be friends with me? Let's face it. I was being a total jerk. Not telling her my name... Not showing her my face... And still she was trying to have a conversation with me.

"Midnight." She said with a small proud smile on her face.

"Midnight?" I wanted to let out a cold laugh at it. Midnight... The time when my demons hit the most... The time I can't sleep... The time I used to love for being the quitest.... And now it means just... I shook my head a smile forming again in my lips. Midnight, the time I met her. "Hmm... I like it. It sounds mysterious and dark and... I like it." I said leaning against the wall, my eyes not leaving her face as she smiled at me. This is wrong...

Sometimes what is wrong feels good.

"I better get go." I said as that thought wouldn't leave my mind. Drugs felt good... But I had enough bad things in my life... She wasn't bad... I was making all of this bad... Getting up, I hid my face behind the hood again. "After all... I came here just to thank you."

I leaned outside the window, but she walked closer to me. "Will I see you again?"

Those words warmed up my cold heart.

She wanted to see me again? "Do you want to see me again Ry?" A smirk escaped my lips at the name I called her. It felt right to call her like that.

"Yes."

That one word hit me straight in the heart. It hit me hard... And still... It didn't hurthurt!? Why it didn't hurt?

She wanted to see me again... That made me smile... I could get used to smiling...

"Then I will come again. I promise." I said without thinking about it twice.

Strange how words can't tell anything about feelings... Can't describe the moment right... But when they don't have a meaning... They are more meaningful...