The World We Knew

Chapter IX

Every normal human being would be excited after an almost kiss like that, they would also have no problem ensuring that it happens again. Not me though, no. I am the most awkward human being alive and that explains why I have been avoiding Nathaniel as much as humanly possible.

On Monday we will start the experiment and today is Friday which means I have been avoiding Nathaniel for almost two weeks. I know that is bad and I miss him so much, but what is the girl supposed to do? I just figured if I give us some time that the feelings and emotions I had would go away, I realize now how wrong I was. It’s like my mind and body is craving his presence and Isa is always at their table hanging out with Matt, which makes it even harder. They started dating a week ago and it’s been a while since we had lunch together. 

I want to be reasonable about all this and understand that she is in a new relationship, I just didn’t know she has to sacrifice our friendship for that. You need to concentrate back on my book. Right. Jane Austen’s Mansfield park. I am at volume II chapter 30. I keep re-reading it and not because I would like to so much, or because I wouldn’t understand my reading material, no. The reason behind this is my best friend and the boy I have a crush on. I feel like I am trying to read some made up language, I know what the words and characters are, but I can’t comprehend what their meaning is. 

All the chatter around me is not helping either. I tried to mute it out with music but I can still hear it. And the only reason for that is that it’s getting warmer since we are coming into dry season so a lot more people are eating out and just fooling around. They are completely calling me out on my loneliness.  Not on purpose but still. Ugh I hate this negativity I have right now and it’s all my fault. I need to man up -  or women up. I pull my earphones out and close my book, put everything in my backpack then march with confidence to Nathaniel’s and Isa's table - the rest of the gang is also there. My lunch - completely forgotten. 

When I am a meter or two away from their table I suddenly stop. There sitting next to him is a girl, she is not a part of their usual gang. I have seen her on hallways but never met, she is pretty though. Maybe he regrets it, maybe he was just carried away by the moment, maybe he-. No. Don’t go there Alexis. You are right. Making assumptions is never productive. He did try to contact me for the last two weeks. 

With my confidence regained - I continue.

First one to notice me is Jacob, followed by Isa and Matt. Nathaniel’s and other girl’s back is to me, so they couldn’t see me yet. They are sitting awfully close. “Hey Alex.” Jacob greets me and announces my arrival to the whole group. Although I am shaking and am so nervous on the inside, I put a smile on my face and greet back. My eyes briefly look at every person of the group. I notice some guilt in Isa’s eyes and hope in Nathaniel’s. 

“Mind if I join?” I ask, even though there is only 15 min left of lunch. Before I could even finish my question Nathaniel stood up and scooted away from the other girl, giving me space to sit, smiling ear to ear. I take a seat which makes me sit opposite of Isa, who is in a hushed conversation with Matt. It seems like my arrival interrupted the group's live conversation. Someone elbows me gently and I know it’s Nathaniel, so I turn to look at him. “Hey stranger.” He says. I know he is joking, but I still feel the guilt consume my body. What I did wasn’t right or nice to him, and this situation is entirely my fault.

“Hi, can we talk after school?” 

“Of course we can. Want to grab some food too?” This is the thing I like about Nathaniel so much, he is so mature and won’t jump to any conclusions without explanation. He could be giving me the cold shoulder about how I handle everything after we nearly kissed, but no - he is understanding and ready to wait a little longer for explanation.

I nod my head smiling. The rest of the lunch break flies by and I feel sad I have to depart with Nathaniel again. Thankfully we both have only two more classes and we are done for today. He hugs we bye and I literally melt.

These classes couldn’t be dragging more. I am barely focusing on it all. Now that I did the first step and approached him, I have to think about what I will do next. What will I say to him? ‘Hey, sorry I liked you so much I started avoiding you?’ or ‘Hey, sorry I was afraid you will try to kiss me again and I wanted that so much, I didn’t want to see you?’. All that sounds incredibly stupid.

Stop overthinking this. You will know what to say when you two are together. You are right. Now focus, you have an assignment till Monday.

Last 20 minutes I was finally able to focus on classes for today.  I got everything I need and will probably start and finish my assignment this afternoon, after I clear things with the boy that is constantly on my mind. He is already waiting for me next to his Chevrolet Equinox and I do have to admit he looks good. I feel like a part of a movie when a hot guy is waiting leaned against his car. 

He hugs me again, but this one lasts longer than the last one, it’s like he is afraid I will disappear. Our next few minutes were spent in complete silence, the only time we broke it was when we were ordering our food, we just decided for Panda Express. Nathaniel drove us to our usual spot and he gave me my food. That’s when I couldn’t hold everything in me any longer.

“I know I screwed up Nathaniel, I know I pushed you away after we almost kissed and I am sorry. I did it because I am scared. I am scared out of my mind, I should not like you this much, I like you too much for how long we have known each other and that scares me. It means you can hurt me, I am not saying you are trying to hurt me, but you definitely have the power to hurt me. And I reasoned with myself that if I push you away I would like you less and you won’t be able to hurt me anymore” Nathaniel tried to stop me, but I continued, I need to get this off my chest.

“In the process of doing that I hurt us both. And yes you can hurt me, you can choose to do that and it will suck, but if I don’t give you a chance I am also not giving us a chance. Running away won’t solve this problem. And I am scared as hell, but I like you. I like you more than I have ever liked anyone and I am putting myself out there just so maybe you will like me back and decide not to hurt me. Which makes it even scarrier. You are handsome, you are kind and funny and I feel insecure, I feel like maybe I won't be enough for you. Maybe I am just something new and exciting and you will get bored or find someone shinier soon. And I am sorry that I shut off before communicating and I am not taking this as an excuse. And all I can do is ask you not to hurt me. So please don’t hurt me.” I look at him, my eyes teary.

And when I look into his eyes -  and I mean really look in his eyes, for the first time in my life so deeply,  I thought I would see his usual guarded expression, but his eyes hold so many emotions, I could swim in them. I don't know how long I have been staring at him, all I know is that I don't wanna look away, all I want is to get lost in his green orbs and stay there forever.