Delusions of the Mind

Day 13- Target Practice

Shoving aside the small crowd gathering around Ariella’s fight with the gentleman who ran the water gun game. Ken had worked the same stand within our circus for over fifteen years. He was the awesome old guy everyone called grandpa as he was in his late seventies. He earned his title by passing out shots and joints when things got stressful how he could be the next target made my mind jump around inside of my head.

This man spent his days off making sure none of the newer recruits had any questions after being thrust into a job without training. Spending your spare time making sure that everyone is alright shouldn’t warrant a target on your back for death.

“Hey, Ken!” I called out over the surrounding crowd, gaining his attention.

“Hey! If it ain’t my little firecracker, and bad omen!” Ken called back laughing heartily.

I truly hated the nickname he had given me from the first day we met. Thinking back fondly on that day, I could see why he called me a bad omen.

**** Flashback ****

Swinging my feet back and forth as they hung over the dock, watching the ripples spread out from the rock I had just tossed into the lake. Thoughts flooding my mind, even as I attached each thought to a new rock, tossing it out into the open water in front of me. Trying to drown my thoughts wasn’t working to well. The heavy clunking of feet on the old worn, wooden dock, pulling me from my misery as the extra weight shifted the dock.

“What’s on your mind kid?” Ken asked, passing me a rolled piece of paper.

Taking a drag from it, holding my breath momentarily before exhaling, shrugging my shoulders as my head began to feel lighter. A thick cloud blanketing my mind, as the thoughts weighing me down, began to slip away one at a time.

“Just wondering if I made the right decision is all. I’m a freak of nature, with a mental illness that’s not curable. Will these people accept me or try to run me out?” I questioned, letting everything roll off my shoulders finally, feeling more weight release.

“You’re not a freak, just because your brain works differently, so what you have a mental illness, with your medication it’s controlled right?” Ken questioned me.

“It is, but what if I ever run out of meds on the road? What if the hallucinations start again, the voices I hear? What will they think then?” I inquired.

“Does it really matter?” Ken asked, as I passed the rolled item in my hand back to him, coughing after my last drag.

“I don’t guess it does, but everyone else..” I stopped, looking at Ken as he interrupted me.

“We’re not everyone else, we have our own issues as well, we can’t pretend to be both judge and executioner.” Ken replied.

Nodding my head, watching Ken stand up to take his leave, laughing as he loses his balance, falling into the lake. “Laugh all you want, but you’ll always be referred to as a bad omen by me now.” Ken chuckled.

**** End Flashback ****

Shaking my head clearing my thoughts. As I bring myself back to the present day, looking at Ken standing in front of us.

“What is it you need?” Ken questioned.

“We think you’re the next target, but we aren’t sure.” I hurry to explain.

“I always knew you were a bad omen, but at this point if I am next, I’m ready to die.” Ken replied, throwing Emilia and me into shock.

“What do you mean?” Emilia asked, raising her voice.

“I’ve been battling cancer for a few years now. If this is how I am meant to die, then I am at peace with it. If the way I die is being eaten by cancer I am ok with that too, my firecracker. You both gave an old man many laughs throughout our time together.” Ken informed us.

“How come you didn’t tell us before now?” Emilia asked, as tears spilled from the corners of her eyes.

“That is why, I didn’t want you to spend your time with me crying until you had to, both of you. We spent our time how I wanted it, full of love and laughter. You made a dying man happy.” Ken replied.

“You’re the soul of this circus Ken, we can’t lose you.” I reply, fighting the tears stinging my eyes.

“You’re wrong. The soul of this circus is everyone here, not just me.” Ken laughed.

“You make sure that each new member of this circus is comfortable here. You held these people together even during some of their hardest times.” I state, “You can’t say that you’re not the soul of this circus.”

“I just tried to make everyone feel safe withing a place they called solitude.” Ken responded, turning to walk away.

“Why would he not want to live out the rest of his life?” Emilia questioned.

“He may not want to continue cancer treatment just to live but dying a painful death won’t be the answer either.” I respond watching him hobble across the big top.

“Maybe being eaten alive by his cancer is more painful.” Emilia guessed.

The slow pain racking my body, as I slip through the big top to the back. Taking a long drag from a cigarette in my hand, watching the stars twinkle in the night sky. Each one slowly dying.

“As they slowly burn their gas, they exit our world. The most beautiful things die slowly.” I remark, dropping the cigarette to the ground smashing it under my foot.

“It’s your turn Ken. You knew you were next.” Came a husky voice, I had heard before, turning to face my attacker, looking at his face, gasping as his dark hair cascaded into his face, cloaking his identity. His black suit, crisply pressed, as his black shoes shined under what little light surrounded us.

“Very well.” I responded, backing against the target board behind me. Stretching my arms out at my side, slowly inhaling my final breath holding it as silver sailed through the air.

The first two burring into my hands pinning me in place, as the pain bit at my nerves like a ravenous dog. The next set of silver flying my way, one nicking my side, as blood spilled out of a superficial cut. The second one landing in my shoulder mere inches from my carotid artery. The hiss of pain escaping my throat as it burrowed into bone.

Another round being released, one aimed for my head, while the sixth and final dagger was aimed at my heart. The whistling of metal slicing through the air, the dagger aimed at my head sinking deep within my left eye socket as a groan escaped my lips. Using my final breath to utter one last sentence.

“Thank you, for ridding an old man of his pain.” I remark, as the final dagger sinks into my chest, straight through my heart, feeling the blood gurgle and pool in my mouth, spilling out the corners as I exhale for the last time. My final thought being I wasn’t suffering anymore.

Making our way to the back of the big top, where Ken had exited only moments before, turning the corner to the target board, holding my arm out to stop Emilia. We were too late; they had gotten to Ken before we could. The ghastly sight of him pinned by six daggers made my heart lurch. Why did he think that was a better way of dying?

“Help me get him down, maybe we can save him!” I shouted at Emilia, rushing towards the target.

“Even if we get him down, there’s… there’s… there’s… there’s no way…. no way… no way we can….. can save him now.” Emilia choked out, as tears sprang from her eyes, like water being released from a dam.

“You don’t know that, Emilia! We have to try!” I pant as I begin tugging on two of the knives getting them to release their bite on the wood.

“Evan! I do know this, he’s gone!” There is no way to bring back the dead. Even CPR wouldn’t help now if it would what would we do about his open wounds?! The one going through his heart would only bleed out, without a proper doctor, and surgery.” Emilia stated, pulling me away from Ken’s dead body, still hanging on the target board.

“He can’t be left like this.” I scream at her.

“Evan, he won’t be left like this, and you know he won’t, but we need to leave. You especially, everyone already blames you for the other deaths. I can only imagine what they would say seeing you holding the bloodied weapons that killed Ken.” Emilia responded.

“I could careless, either way I will be blamed for his death anyway, if Ariella has her way. Everyone seen me inside of the big top trying to warn him. At this point it’s everyone else against the guy with schizophrenia. The guy who hallucinates and hears voices.” I shout at her, watching her concerned expression turn to one of fear.

Even though she was right, I couldn’t bring myself to leave the one person who had treated me fairly in such poor conditions. Although he had hid his cancer from everyone, I still couldn’t help believing that the death he just had was more painful than dying naturally, even if he was riddled with pain killers and chemotherapy drugs.