Delusions of the Mind

Lock down, a term no circus performer wants to hear. Being locked in with my fellow performers would take its toll on my mental health. I lived with these people three months a year as we travelled from state to state with the Treman’s Brothers Circus. As of right now we were stationed in a warehouse outside of Bayville, Arkansas. The warehouse had been the only place large enough in a small town to house sixty circus performers, and their equipment. The summer heat outside turning the metal shelter into a sweltering heat box. “Evan, where do you want your juggling pins placed?” Called Emilia, the thin, lean, brown headed beauty I had been eyeing since joining. Her rich, dark skin matched her deep brown eyes, as her dark hair cascaded down her back. She stood a good foot shorter than me, which probably was a good thing as she performed acrobatics on the trapeze wire. “You can place them over here beside the target for the knife-throwers.” I reply, pulling out the huge wooden crate full of blades. I was the only performer strong enough to move the crate where our knife-throwers had stored all their blades away. I enjoyed getting to show off in front of Emilia, but honestly thought that no matter how hard I would try, she would never be more to me than just a fellow performer. Sitting down the crate, before walking outside, the small games, and a few rides had been set up to surround the big top. The enormous red and white tent, I had called home for the last six years, after running away from my family. Even though lock down had been established, we were so far away from town, that in the abandoned field we were stationed in, we could put up our equipment and prepare for the upcoming show once lock down was lifted. Even though we had no clue when that time would come. On the plus side of things, we got to enjoy the games, and rides for entertainment while we waited. The gentle breeze, causing the small blades of grass to dance around my feet. My medium length blonde hair whirling around my ears. “Emilia, do you want to go ride the Ferris Wheel with me?” I yelled back inside the warehouse. We were going to be here for a while, that much had been made apparent, so unpacking the rest of the items from the truck could wait. “Sure.” Emilia called back, walking around the old medical supply army truck. Which was now painted red and black, with the Treman’s Brothers Circus logo on the doors. The logo had been changed only last year, after everyone had called for the removal of tigers from our shows, due to our tiger keeper Marine, being attacked. Marine had dealt with the shattering news quietly. She mostly stuck to the older tigers now, that we still housed, because no one wanted trained circus animals among their wildlife reserves. The tiger that was euthanized was only a cub, just learning the ropes for circus life. This news had shattered all our hearts, as the cub had been well liked among our performers. Walking down the small worn dirt path beneath our feet. The traffic from the warehouse to the center at the big top had been travelled numerous times before us that day. “What do you think of being locked down?” Emilia questioned, as she watched the small sapling dance. “I think that just because of a virus none of us have seen, we shouldn’t be locked down. Lock down will be the end to our mental health.” I reply, not beating around the bush about it. “We can’t assume the virus isn’t real. However, I know the worry you have about our mental health. I have the same fear.” Emilia stated, before looking up at me, her brown eyes shining with a glint of hope. She possibly couldn’t know what fears laid awake in my mind twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Hopefully, that lurking monster could be kept at bay. “I don’t think anyone could understand what I worry about daily.” I smiled at Emilia, trying to dismiss her curiosity on the subject. “So, tell me how did you come to join the circus?” “My mother and father both died when I was young, due to our house catching on fire. Fire-fighters were able to recuse me, and our family pet, but by the time they got to the back bedroom….” Emilia started to answer, trailing off, it was apparent the question of how she joined, reverted to this part of her past. “It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to relive painful experiences.” I replied, looking at the clear blue sky above us, while she dried her small tears that had formed in her eyes, refusing to let them fall. “Thank you, for being so understanding.” Emilia replied, giving a small half smile, one that didn’t light up her eyes, or move her mouth. It kind of looked like a straight line except for the one corner picked up on the left-hand side. Whatever had happened to her as a child, I refused to listen to her recount the most painful experience with which she has ever dealt. In her own time, she would come to me. “How did you come to join the circus?” Hearing her ask, put a lump in my throat now. Would she understand if I told her the truth, or would she think of me as a freak like everyone else had already done? I was considered a man by societies standards, but by my own, I was a failure. What man suffered from a mental health disorder, and ran from it? Me, Evan Amerial, that was who. No one in my family even knew why I had run away, just that I had. “I just decided one day to pick up and leave my home.” I partially lied to her. There was no way, I was going to be painted as anything other than the man I was. Telling her the truth, would paint me in a bad light, giving her the impression that I ran from everything that scared me. “Small town that bad?” Emilia asked. “Small town life wasn’t that bad, it’s just that after you sit still for so long, you want a change of experience. A taste of freedom without everyone else around dictating your life.” I replied, swallowing the rather large lump she had left me with in my throat. “Oh, I see. I’m sorry you felt as if people were controlling your life, outside of you.” Emilia replied, taking another glance around us. Coming to a stop in front of the Ferris Wheel operator, waiting patiently for our peers in front of us to enter, before stepping forward. The view at the top of the Ferris Wheel, had nothing on one in the middle of the city, during the night. The only thing around us were lines of trees, empty fields, and the town to the west. If only we had been within a bigger city, the view would have been perfect for telling her how I felt. I had chickened out more than once, and yet again as she sat beside of me, the lump grew in my throat, as the small voice grew inside of my head, “How do you know she will return your feelings?” It was already beginning, the horrible beast had awoken again, how long could I keep it under control before the delusions started again.