Here’s to Never Growing Up (teacherxstudent)

Chapter 5

Soon after my mother discovered the horrendous B+ on my Math report card, I was “advised” to do all my homework and studying in the dining room where she could patrol me extensively and where the dogs were always running in and out, causing a tremendous ruckus – such logic. If only that subject wasn’t so tedious…

“Why’s there a mouse trying to bark next door?” My brother squinted as he walked into his first glimpse of light… at noon.

“The neighbor’s daughter is back in town. They brought their dog.” our mother answered with a hint of judginess.

“’That so.” he responded uninterested.

“That family is a mess. Once the daughter places a step on the porch, the mother suddenly evaporates. Seriously, something’s not normal with that family. Since when does a daughter just stop caring for her mother and run off? And how can the mother just accept this? Jesus, it’s like –”

“Isn’t that enough gossiping for one day?” I intervened while trying to focus on trying to discover an equation the teacher couldn’t bother to teach us.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” my brother joked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be searching for any last hopes of getting a life?” I sneered back at him.

“Don’t be unpleasant, Em.” my mom intervened, picking on the wrong person, once again.

“What?” I objected as my brother sniggered. I give up. “Can I be sent to my room yet?”

“Not until your grades go up.”

“My grades are much better than his ever were.” I complained, pointing at my brother. “It’s a freaking B+! Everyone considers that to be a good grade, why can’t you?”

“Never mind what other people think. Now work.” she nagged.

“As if you really believe in that.” I mumbled onto the books laid out in front of me.

I waited until my brother went back upstairs with a bunch of food to call on my mother who was now pacing around pointlessly in the kitchen.

“Hey, mom. About what Mr. Damon said regarding gap years…”

She sighed and took a seat beside me, as if she already knew that I would eventually bring up this topic. “Go on.” she instructed.

“Well, I was thinking, and I did some research and I’m actually interested in doing one… if I could.” I spoke as if I had only thought of the matter recently when, in fact, more than one month has passed.

“I didn’t completely get the point of it though. What do people do in a gap year anyways?”

I didn’t really expect her to understand. She is the perfect example of the person who lives by the checklist of society (as Mr. D likes to call it). I doubt that she ever had the time to actually enjoy life. She attended university right after finishing high school, met Dad and only moved out from her parents’ house once she married him. By that time, she already had a job, the job she still has today. Moreover, my brother was born shortly after. No breaks from the same old, boring routine. She lived a pretty mundane life I do not want to replicate. No wonder she doesn’t the concept of a gap year.

“Well, some people use that time to work or volunteer in local or foreign organizations, or just travel for fun.”

“How do they have the time to do all that during college?” How can someone be so stupid?

“They’re not in college. That’s the point of a gap year, mom. It’s a year between high school and college to do other things.” I tried explaining slowly and she nodded, nut I seriously doubt that she understood the concept fully.

“Why would you want to do that anyways? You’re going to have to go to college eventually, so what’s the point of delaying the inevitable?”

“Well, it would help me find my passion and the courses I want to take in college.”

“I still think you should follow Design. You’ve got a real talent in drawing and you’re just wasting it.”

“No, mom. I told you a million times that I don’t want to! I’m not following that path just because it’s the one you took!”

“A job isn’t really supposed to be enjoyable. It’s supposed to provide you with money. What else are you going to do? You can’t be a writer nor a painter, those are merely hobbies and will only lead you to famine.”

I did my best to fight the tears and bit my lower lip. “So I’m just supposed to live a miserable life just for money? What then? What even is the point of living if I’m not happy?”

“When will you grow up, Emily? That’s not how this world works.” My head was beginning to pound with every word she spat. My face contorted as I fought the tears and tried dodging the daggers she kept throwing at me.

“I’m worried about you, Emily. Look at your brother,” those words killed me and put me on the verge of exploding with anger, “he’s got it all figure out and he’s studying an amazing course. You know there’s a lot of future in computer engineering nowadays, right? Why couldn’t you have started looking into better possibilities earlier on, just like him?”

I scowled and grit my teeth. Mr. D was right, it is hard to be the youngest sibling when the eldest leads the way like this. Why can’t she stop comparing me to that lifeless, heartless, couch-potato who does nothing but eat, sleep, and play video-games all day? I always had much better grades than him – well, except in Math. It’s all just because he’s had it all figured out so early. Since he was in ninth grade, he had declared that he was going to study computer engineering. But he only did so after finding out that he had no passions and learned that he had to give up on all life’s enjoyments and pleasures just to be ‘successful’. But what do grown-ups know about success? Success is not being the wealthiest person on the planet, it’s not having status, or being popular or well-liked. Whoever thinks that this is actual success, is a truly miserable person. Success is being happy. You haven’t found success in life if you are not satisfied with the way you lived, if you haven’t taken the risks, and if you don’t have fun. Chasing your dreams, that’s success. Even if you fail, that’s okay, because failure can lead to success too. That’s why adults are so miserable and pitiful: they take no risks, and so they settle for the easiest paths, becoming cowardly lifeless beings with no sense of adventure, following the same mundane routines every day until their death. And then, on their deathbeds, they look back and regret all risks they didn’t take. After all, the only risks you regret are the risks you didn’t take.

I looked at her determinately and frowned, “Because I wouldn’t have been happy with those ‘better possibilities’.”

“Seriously, Emily. You should be wiser about your future because, so far, I can’t see one for you.” she sighed.

I looked at her in horror. How could a mother ever say such a thing to her daughter? Suddenly, all my strengths were gone and I was no longer able to hold back my urge to cry. I slammed my books shut and stormed upstairs, not uttering a single word back at her for the rest of the day (nor the next few days for that matter). Slamming the door to my bedroom, I fell onto the bed like a piece of freshly-cut timber. I only pray that I never turn out like her. And if I do, Mother-nature, forbid me from ever conceiving.

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The next day, I felt like absolute crap. My eyes were still puffy and red from all the crying and I hardly got any sleep. For the first time of my life, I actually attempted putting on concealer to go to school. I don’t even know why I even have this thing. I probably got it for when I was still trying to impress that jerk, yet now he’s the one who doesn’t cease to impress me with how much of an asshole he can be.

I put on a mask of happiness around my friends at school, and it seemed to have worked… at least for a while. It didn’t take much time before Alex noticed that something wasn’t right, but I kept dodging her attempts to uncover the truth until she finally gave up.

She wasn’t the only one who noticed, however. So did the evil Adonis pretending he cares. He kept observing me from the other end of the atrium, even while speaking to the vice-principle. I laughed at his clueless expression when his boss had asked him a question. There is no way he doesn’t know. That man has uncovered more of my secrets than the amount of lies he’s ever told me – and that’s quite a large number. I can’t believe he’s actually pretending to give a f**k. What’s he trying to do?

At last, once I was freed from my friends – for some reason they all decided to go to the bathroom together – I escaped, deciding that I would disappear into the library until the end of morning break. My next class was Visual Arts, so I didn’t have to face any of them until lunch break. That should give me some time to cool down.

I sat a bit further apart from everyone else – or at least more than usual – spreading large sheets of paper and drawing utensils all over the large table, making sure no one would sit at the same table I was in. However, seeing as everyone else was sitting together, Fran, the introvert triplet, decided to sit across me. She asked if she could share the table with me and I couldn’t decline her. I gathered my things closer, dividing the table in half. I was fine with sitting close to Fran though. Since she has a hearing impairment, she avoids speaking to others, knowing that she would only end up asking them to repeat whatever they said. I really feel sorry for her sometimes. She has no close friends other than her sisters. It’s not like I ever did anything about it though. I tried befriending her once, but maybe not enough. Communication between us was limited to merely smiling at each other.

“Maybe you should press a bit more on the pencil work here, don’t you think?” I was frightened as the teacher disrupted my concentration. I did as he said and made the shading in the figure’s eye darker. He looked into my eyes as I did so, nervous that he would see right through me.

“So, how are you today, Emily? You look tired. Not enough sleep?” he asked kindly with a smile plastered on his cheeks. A lock of his own hair seemed to be stuck on his lip, but he took no note of it.

“Yeah, our neighbor’s dog was barking all night long.” I lied. Well, technically it wasn’t entirely a lie…

He groaned, “My wife and I heard it as well, but thankfully we live farther away.” I wasn’t surprised to hear it. They live close to me, but not close enough to hear my dogs.

“Lucky you.” I joked and he laughed. “How’s your daughter, by the way?”

“Oh, she’s better now, thank you. She came to school today already.”

I smiled in return. For an awkward man, he’s quite nice. Not at all like Alex’s Chemistry teacher who just stares without saying a word as if he were looking into your soul. He probably didn’t buy my excuse, but I thank him for trying, and I hope he knows that.

“Watch out for that spot there. Remember, the viewer often looks where you least want them to look.” he pointed at a tiny spot on the paper, probably from having dropped the pencil earlier. He is quite nice, but when it comes to art, I wouldn’t dare to mess with him. The gods could conceive the world’s most fascinating painting, and he would find a way to point out something tiny to pick on. Meanwhile, his expertise is street-art…

The bell rang and, of course, I was the last one to stay in the room cleaning up, as always. By the time I walked into the main building and into the lower atrium, it was completely empty. Everyone was already either in the cafeteria or at the sports fields.

As I walked past the classroom doors to walk up to the upper atrium, I was suddenly pulled into a room and pushed against a wall. The room was no longer filled with the scent of the perfect mixture of coffee with a sweet, addictive aroma. But the person pinning me tightly still was. I scowled at him.

“Those people are your friends, aren’t they?” I said nothing and tried to fight for my release, but he was much too strong. “So why are you putting on a mask in front of them?”

“Why would you care?” I growled.

“I care because it’s not common to see you in this state, Emily. What happened?” Andrew wiped away my make-up with his blazer, getting it completely dirty. “Stop wearing masks and let yourself rely on others the way anyone else can rely on you. You are not alone, Em.”

My eyes watered, still fragile from the feud at home, but I forbade any tears from falling. “I trusted and relied on you. And look where that got me.” I scowled at him, my voice trembling. His grip loosened in surprise. I took this chance to free myself and escape this dungeon of memories, running against Mr. Kahn as I worried about how I would face my friends in this state – now that a certain genius had removed my make-up.

Once I got upstairs, I was surprised to see Alex, Angie, Jackie, and Danny all standing about in silence, waiting for me. Just seeing them made me start to sniffle.

“Em, what happened?” Alex asked as soon as I was spotted. Suddenly all eyes were on me.

“Have you been crying?” Jackie added.

“I knew it!” Danny exclaimed, “I knew there was something wrong as soon as I laid eyes on you this morning. I have like a sixth sense for these things, you know.” Alex rolled her eyes at him and I laughed.

“What’s wrong?” Angie asked once again.

I told them everything from the discussion I had with my mother day before and, surprisingly, I didn’t try to hide away the tears. But somehow it was okay. They completely agreed with me and were understanding, comforting me and consoling me while ensuring that I have a future and agreeing that mom is a total asshole.

Soon enough, they succeeded in making me laugh and I felt a sense of ease. Somehow that jerk was right…I am not alone, and it does feel much better to have spoken to them. I am so glad I have people like them on which to rely.

I hated myself for this final act, but at the end of the day, I walked down to the lower atrium, which was now roaring with the laughter and chatter of middle-schoolers making plans for the evening. Once I spotted the jerk who’d helped me earlier, I noticed he was already looking at me from afar. He’s always just standing around in the halls, I wonder what he even gets paid for.

I walked towards him but didn’t stop. As I strode past him, I murmured a “thanks”, loud enough for him to hear, but not loud enough to give off any hopes of forgiveness. He turned around fully in surprise and stood there, petrified as I kept walking back upstairs and out of his sight in a full cycle.

“What was that?” Alex crossed her arms and looked down on me upon witnessing the whole scene.

“Nothing.” I answered, wondering why I had done it myself. “I just wanted to show him that I still have manners even when I despise someone.