Anguished Space

Virginia Southwestern University April 2019 “Mom, are you okay,” Rae whispered in my ear. Her hand resting gently on my wrist. I couldn’t explain to my firstborn a tsunami of emotions knocking me mental to new depths of despair. Looking at Westin Hall brought everything rushing back in my mind. A beautiful month of April like today. Carefree and hazy days of the end of Freshman year. Laughing with Rachel as we went to class, the dining hall, and parties. Then, she was gone. Someone took her life in our dorm room. Nobody heard anything. In this building, life changed forever. Pushing away a sense of dread, I smiled at my daughter. Rae wanted to come to our family school for college. Her dad went here. I went here. Most of our families attend school here. It was a tradition.  “I just need a moment. Just walk with Daddy for a few minutes. I need to pay respects to the past.” Cautiously, I watched Rae race towards my husband. Steve looked over his shoulder, concern mirrored in his eyes. He’s a fixer. Nobody can fix this. He’s tried most of his adult life. Just a moment to close my eyes. Virginia Southwest University April 1991 “Summer plans?” Limited compared to everyone else’s summer plans. Cara had an internship with the Federal Government. Lucy had plans to visit her family in Greece. Anne had a job working on a dude ranch. Rachel had an internship working as a tour guide in a museum in New York City. Can’t remember which one. Me? Summer spent with oodles of little kids working as a camp counselor. “Katie,” Cara frowned. “We know everyone’s summer plans. Tour Guide. Internship. Internship. Traveling. Playing with kids and horses.” Cara‘s orderly impatient personality is a hallmark of order. She memorized all our syllabuses to make sure we were on task with our schoolwork. Her mother calls our mothers when we are out of line. Mrs. Smith drove from NOVA to chastise us because Cara had alcohol poisoning. Not my fault her daughter drank too much over an i***t boy.   Cara morphed into the Warden of our friend group[db1]  without our permission. We weren’t sandbox to college friends. I met Lucy in the sandbox. She broke my heart when she decided to room with Cara over me. Best friends shouldn’t live together to preserve our friendship. Our high school friends were on one floor of our co-ed dorm after our high school agreed to turn us into lab rats for dormitory living. Westin Hall was a towering 23-floor skyscraper dorm hall. We lived right in the middle, floor 16. The elevator split our sexes… girls to the left and boys to the right. Lucked out with a room behind the elevators with Rachel. Close to the elevators. Far away from the bathroom, TV, microwave, and Computer room. “Nikki,” Rachel’s husky voice called breathlessly. Look up into Rachel’s wide blue eyes; I smiled in response. Rachel wasn’t my friend in high school. She was out of my league. Popular, smart, fashionable, and beautiful with an infectious personality and smile. Lucy didn’t like her. Rachel taught me stuff like how to mix colors and clothing. Lucy thought I was her pet project. She read my writing and encouraged me to be more than a High school English teacher.  My purple backpack slung over her right shoulder,” Can you go study for a couple of hours?” Go study meant her boyfriend was in town. Nate can’t be here in the middle of the week. WHO does she want to study with? Studying isn’t a bad idea. I need to ace my biology final exam to squeak a C out of the second class. Biology isn’t for me. We had a simple exchanged for Study time—my keys for my backpack. Kast October, I walked in on Nate and Rachel during their study period. One word… awkward. I pushed myself off Lucy’s fuzzy rug to walk over to Rachel. “I heard Steve is studying on the fourth floor near the books on Ancient History. He has a final on world Civilizations. Drop a book near his chair,” Rachel whispered encouragingly in my ear. “He likes you. Don’t be afraid. He’s barely worthy of you. He’ll do.” “Shut up! He likes girls with Greek Letters across their chest.” I laughed, hiding my eyes from her intense gaze. “ Those are right now girls. You aren’t a right now girl. Ciao friends,” Rachel called as she sauntered away from Lucy and Cara’s dorm room. Cara rolled her eyes in disdain,” Do you think the prom queen might lower herself to speak with us?” “You don’t have a reason not to like her,” I disagreed. “Maybe, if you didn’t offer rudeness, she would behave differently towards you. “You're different around her,” Lucy countered defensively. “b***h, green isn't your color.” Anne laughed. “Still jealous of the prom queen, girls. You didn’t choose to room with Nikki.