Finally

Chapter 14 - The Accident

We argue the whole day, it is relentless and exhausting and we get nowhere. I can’t believe he walked me down this path, quitting my job and finding and falling in love with an apartment meant to be our first home together and then leaving me there and disappearing.

He tells me he feels pressured by me and I’m trying to manipulate him into moving too fast. I feel so stupid, He says I wanted us to be like Alice and Paolo with our own place together and in a way I did, I wanted to be proper grown ups. He throws that at me and says I was so jealous of my best friend that I forced him into making more of a commitment to him than he was ready to.

I’m exhausted by all the fighting and I’m still in a situation now where I’ve no job, no home and I’ve no idea what to do.

“I’m sorry Zara, I’m just not ready for all this. You should go though, don’t let me hold you back. Your career is important and shouldn’t stop for any man. We can still be together, I’ll visit as often as I can,” he says reassuringly.

I can’t imagine being a part time girlfriend and living alone in the city that still holds so much fear for me.

“I can’t. I can’t do this alone,” I sob as the tears start to fall.

“Don’t be like this, desperation is really unattractive and I know you’re stronger than this. You can do it if you want to, just put your mind to it.”

“I can’t," I cry, I feel like I’ve lost everything and it's totally hopeless. I can’t cope right now, I don’t even know where to start,” I howl embarrassingly, my raw emotions completely taking over.

End of flashback.

“Later that night I went round to his house and his Dad answered. He told me he knew I’d had a breakdown and his son didn’t need to shoulder my issues and I should be getting professional help. He called the police and they both had me hospitalised for mental health issues. He told them I’d said I couldn’t cope and wanted to end my life. He took everything I’d said out of context and used it to have me locked up,” I tell Michelle.

For the first time I let my emotions come to the surface in front of her and I cry openly. I know it’s not weak to cry now, I also know the consequences of bottling up emotions and refusing to let them out.

“When did he introduce you to his father?” She asks, making a note on a form on her clipboard.

“We’d been dating a few months before I met his Dad. He’d told me his Mother walked out on them when he was a baby, she literally went to the shop for milk and never came back. He had a lot of issues surrounding that and we weren’t allowed to talk about it, it was a banned topic. She got in touch again with his sister a year ago and when we travelled to Amsterdam for his sister’s birthday his Mother phoned and he went nuts. He really lost his s**t and then took it out on me. His sister gave him a talking to and looked after me, but he told me I was poisoning his family against him and even though they said the opposite to me plus I’d paid for the tickets to get there (which he said he’d pay me back for and never did) he made me book an earlier flight home and come home alone.”

I sigh heavily. It was such a mess and even now just thinking about it gives me a headache.

“His Dad was gay, but hadn’t actually come out to his kids. He’d have dinner parties with his friends all of whom were openly gay and there was one particular man we were sure was his boyfriend as they were very close, but no one spoke about it. It was so weird. Adam knew, but didn’t like to talk about it and when he did he’d laugh at how ridiculous the situation was,” I continue.

“Did his Dad accept you?” Michelle asks.

“Yes, we weren’t close, but he seemed to like me. Up until that night anyway and then whatever Adam had told him made him shut me out. After that if he ever mentioned doing something he’d mention his Dad couldn’t find out since he didn’t approve of me now.”

“What happened after you were taken to the psychiatric hospital?”

“I was stupid. I was angry and hurt that he’d do that to me so I was argumentative and trying to get them to let me go. I lost control of my anger and it made things worse, it meant they saw what he said I was and so they made me stay against my will,” I admit still ashamed of what I did.

“What was that like for you?”

“It was hell on earth. I was put on a ward with a woman who screamed all night and had no control over her bowels and another woman who threatened me whenever her husband visited. I didn’t speak at all the whole time I was there and barely slept, I was terrified.”

“How did Adam react?”

“He was suddenly sweet to me again, he visited and brought me chocolate, magazines and a photo of us for my bedside table and made me feel like I needed to be there. He said he loved me and was glad I was finally getting help,” I said bitterly.

“Did you feel that was the case?”

“At first no, but then I started to believe it. They wouldn’t allow me to leave unless someone took me and the responsibility for me. Adam said he couldn't do it so I phoned my parents and had to confess everything that had happened.  It took my parents a week to finally come and get me out, I still hate them for that,” I admit. “I felt abandoned.”

“What happened when you came home?”

“My parents stayed for one night and then left me there, they were happy I was ok and medicated. My Dad told me to stay away from Adam, but they bought me new clothes to ‘show him what he was missing’ and I still had to work with him for another two weeks. It was all very confusing and once I started work again he suggested we talk.  We ended up sleeping together the following week and I thought we were getting back together and working through things, but it was all a game to keep me on the hook. I soon realised he’d already lined up his next victim and as far as she was concerned I was now the insane ex.”

“When you realised what was happening what did you do?”

“I got myself a much cheaper apartment in London and moved here alone. I had no one though apart from Alice who was busy playing house with her boyfriend. That’s when I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“What was that?” She asks curiously as if there couldn’t possibly be anything worse than what I’d already told her.

“I found out I was pregnant. I told Adam, but he didn’t believe me so I sent him pictures of the test. He said the test wasn’t mine and I was acting like a psycho trying to trap him. Then finally he agreed to meet me so I drove to Hampshire to see him. He didn’t show up and text to say he didn’t have time for my lies and he’d moved on with someone who wasn’t crazy, possessive and controlling and I could do whatever I liked with my baby, it was nothing to do with him.”

I gulp back the tears and try to swallow the huge lump in my throat.

“I was angry driving back to London. I could barely see for the tears and I was fuelled by rage. I called Alice through the car speakers  and I was shouting at her about how unfair things were. I wasn’t paying full attention to the road and I went into the back of another car which had stopped ahead of me. I could hear Alice screaming my name, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I lost consciousness a few seconds later.”