Whackadoodle Times Galore

THREE-4

Mark put his arms around me. We hugged.

“Stay and eat the food,” I said. “I don’t want it to go to waste.”

“It’ll wait,” he said. “When can I see you again?”

“I’ll text you,” I said. We let each other go. I started to leave.

“I don’t have any work for the rest of the afternoon,” he said. “You want me to drive you to Los Angeles?”

I hesitated at the bedroom door. I looked at him. He smiled. That was so f*****g tempting.

No, I couldn’t. I still had to pick up David and Eartha, take them home.

“I know a lot of shortcuts,” he said.

“There are no f*****g shortcuts from here to Wilshire Boulevard.”

“You’d be surprised,” he said. “Plus, wouldn’t you be more relaxed for your meeting if I drive.”

A minute ago I was trying to figure out how to never see him again because he knew too much about me.

I looked at him. His eyebrows were raised in expectation. He still smiled. His arms were loose at his side. I crossed my arms.

“I have to pick up my son and this homeless woman staying at our house,” I said.

He nodded. “I could pick you up outside your house in twenty minutes. If anyone sees us, you could say I was working at the Donning place and I offered to take you downtown. Unless you don’t think anyone would believe you would ride with the help.”

“Ride the help, yes,” I said. “Catch a ride with the help, no.”

I did not relish driving in rush hour in L.A. Not that I couldn’t do it. Twenty plus years of living out here had taught me a lot about driving in California. Mostly it went like this: If you are not going at least twenty miles over the speed limit, get the f**k out of my way so I can continue to hurtle down the driveoad/cow path/freeway past you at death-defying speeds while flipping you off and talking on the phone and eating all at the same time.

“Okay, let’s do it,” I said.

Mark looked speechless.

“What?” I asked. “You didn’t think I’d do it?”

“Not in a million years,” he said.

“Well, you can take it back,” I said. “I can go by myself.”

“No, I want to take you,” he said. “It’ll be the first time we’ll be out in public.”

“Public?” I said. “No, we’ll be in your truck on the highway most of the time.”

“What could be more public?”

“Oh Christ,” I said. “I better get some sunglasses and a big floppy hat to disguise myself. Maybe wear a caftan and flip-flops. Will that do it?”

I made a face at him and then quickly left the house, got in the car in the garage, and pulled out into the driveway. I phoned Eartha and asked her where she was. Next I called the school and told them I’d be there in a few minutes to get David. I drove to where Eartha said she’d be, and I picked her up.

“Change of plans,” I said when she got into the car. “I gotta go to L.A. Can you watch David for us and make dinner? That would be two additional great things you did today.”

She closed the door, and I sped down the road, heading toward David’s school. “Two additional great things?” she asked.

“Yeah, that breakfast lunch thing you made,” I said. “It was really good.”

“I’m glad you liked it,” she said. “Cool. Yes, I’d love to meet David and hang out with him. Maybe he can help make dinner.”

“David doesn’t do much in real life,” I said. “He spends an inordinate amount of time on his phone. I’ve checked. It isn’t porn. No dirty pictures. I don’t know what the hell he’s doing.”

Eartha didn’t say anything.

“I’m not an overprotective mother,” I said. “I was with Fern, maybe, and now she hates my guts. I figure I’ll let David be his own little man and he’ll still love me.”

Saying that out loud sounded pathetic.

Or maybe I hadn’t had enough to eat . . . or drink yet today.

“You don’t have a flask or anything on you, do you?” I asked.

“A flask?” Eartha asked. “You mean something to drink? No, I’m sorry I don’t. Had some weed, but I smoked the last of it last night.”

“In my garden house?” I asked.

“Yes, I figured you wouldn’t mind,” she said.

“You figured wrong,” I said.

“I sat by the window.”

“What if David had smelled it?” I said. “Or the police came by.” I was grasping at straws. I really didn’t give a s**t that she’d smoked it. I was annoyed she didn’t have any left. Or any liquor.

“I don’t drink anyway,” Eartha said. “The fermenting process brings out the trickster spirits of whatever plant is being fermented. That can create problems. That’s how people get addicted, I believe.”

“Then how did you know how to make that martini?” I said. “You must have had to taste it.”

“Sure, I had to taste it. I’m not religious about not drinking or anything.”

I slowed the car as we neared the school. Tall eucalyptus trees circled the building. I had gone to school in a school built in a farmer’s field. We didn’t have any trees. Must be nice to go to a place like this.

“Besides,” she said. “There wasn’t any liquor in those martinis.”

“What?” I slammed on the brakes a little too hard as a kid stepped in front of me. “That’s impossible.”

“Nope, not a drop. But it was really good, wasn’t it?”

The broad had f*****g tricked me.

I wasn’t sure I liked that.

Wasn’t sure I disliked it either.

I could see David up on the steps waiting for me. When he saw me, he smiled and hurried toward the car. I couldn’t help but smile too. David always appeared to be glad to see me. Or anyone. He was a good-natured kid. Almost every time I saw him I thought of his sister, who was not good-natured. Maybe she was to other people but not around me. Or around her father as far as I could tell. She was working on her master’s degree in psychology. I couldn’t imagine anyone going to her for help. They’d have to be crazy.

“Hello, love,” I said when David opened the door and got into the back seat. It wasn’t much of a backseat, but it would do.

“I can’t believe you got me out of school early,” he said. “Thanks, Mom. What are we going to do? Do you have something planned?”

I looked back at him. “It’s nice to see you, too, David. Actually, you’re going home with Eartha. This is Eartha. She’s staying with us for a while. Violeta had to visit her sick mother.”

“Oh,” he said. He sounded disappointed.

“How do you do, David?” Eartha said. “I’m really glad to meet you. Maybe you’d want to help me with dinner. Or we could go outside and I could teach you some yoga.”

David nodded. “Sure. Whatever.”

“David, what’s that in your hair?” I asked.

“What?” He felt around and touched something pink in his hair. “Ewwww!” he said. “Get it out! Get it out!”

“Stay calm,” I said. “It’s probably gum. Were you chewing gum last night?” I turned to Eartha. “You got any scissors in your bag?”

Eartha dug around in her purse until she came up with a small sewing kit. She opened the top of it and took out a tiny pair of scissors and handed them to me.

“Get it out!” David said. He was nearly hysterical.

“David! Stop it! It’s gum. If you hold still, I’ll take care of it. Lean forward.” I turned around in my seat. He put his head down. I grabbed his hair where the gum was and I cut it all off.

Now he had a hole in the top of his head.

“Much better,” I said. I threw the hair and gum into the trash and didn’t look at Eartha as I handed the scissors back to her.

“Can I look in the mirror?” David asked.

“Naw, you can get a better look at home.”

I put the car into gear and started forward. I was careful not to hit any children or the strange man lurching across the road. He was wearing a raggedy suit and he looked like he was partially covered in dirt. He walked in a daze, right into the woods and disappeared.

“I don’t like the homeless getting all the way up to David’s school,” I said.

“No, much better if they stay out of sight in the village,” Eartha said.

“Do you know him, David?” I asked. He didn’t answer. I glanced in the rearview mirror. He was doing something on his phone. “David?”

“Huh?” He didn’t look up.

“I asked if you knew that man?”

“What man?”

“Never mind.”

I drove us back to the house. Once inside, David went straight to his room. I looked at Eartha and shrugged.

“Okay, you’ve got the phone with my number,” I said, “or you can use the house phone. I’ve got a list of the speed dial numbers next to it. I’m hoping the meeting won’t be long. We might go out to eat or we might come home. Do you want me to call you and let you know?”

“How about I make David a snack now and then I’ll make dinner around seven. If you’re home, you’re home. If not, we’ll eat it.”

“That sounds fair,” I said. I needed to run upstairs and change and put on makeup. “You know, Eartha, I’m leaving you with my most valued possession.” I put my hand up. “Now before you get on your high horse and point out that a child is not a possession, I think you should know I was talking about the Ming dynasty urn I have in our bedroom.”

Eartha laughed.

“Don’t let anyone in,” I said. “Even if they promise to do one great thing a day.”