Me without you

Chapter One

I sometimes forget that you are not here anymore...

Not for long...

Just for a split second,

I forget that you are not here.

I sit and I wonder what you are doing?

Or I find myself thinking how is it that I don't know what you are doing?

Then I realise it's not that I don't know...

It's that you are not doing anything...

That you are not here anymore...

But I dismiss that thought as quickly as I realise that you are not here...

Because I can't think about the fact that you are not here.

It makes me too sad.

Instead I think about what-ifs.

I play the what-if game about you and me in my head all the time. what-if....

It never happened...

What if, you had come to class with me that day instead of getting in that car.

And that automatically leads to...

What if, you were around when he broke my heart for the first time

That would have meant that you and I would be together, kind of.

And I like that what if the best.

Except that leads to the inevitable what if.

What if I could just be smart?

Because in my head, we have the perfect relationship.

You are you.

The only you I have ever known.

You are sweet.

You are kind.

You are attentive.

You make me smile.

You are gentle.

I remember moments we shared.

Stolen touches.

Stolen glances.

I remember that kiss.

I remember that night.

I remember that touch.

I remember you.

And that is our relationship.

That is our perfect.

And I hold onto that.

And I hold onto you.

But you are not here.

And he hurt me

But I forgave him.

And he hurt me again.

And you weren't there.

And I forgave him, again.

And now it's been ten years.

Ten years since you have died.

Ten years that I have thought about you.

Ten years for a split second, each time, that I have forgotten that you were dead.

Ten years that I have been wishing and hoping...

And ten years that I have been punishing myself for never taking up the opportunity that you offered.

And you offered.

And I chose him.

And he hurt me.

Again.

And again.

Ten years since you died.

Two years ago, I don't know how.

But two years ago I let him go. I chose me.

For two years now I have been thinking about you, even more.

And only you.

Two years now.

That I can't believe you are gone.

That I can't believe I chose him and not me. Him and not you.