Godfrey: In the beginning...

The tree is still up. I know I should have taken it down a month ago, but I like it. With its falling needles and pale branches, it brings me comfort knowing I am not the only dead thing in my apartment.  I always stare at this one ornament. A plastic, palm sized Mary and Joseph kneeling over the baby Jesus with a halo above them all. I think to myself how I used to be so sure about the existence of purity and goodness. When I found that ornament amongst a bunch of others, something about it was so special to me. It had meant something, then, but now, it is just a piece of plastic; another false idol aside my paper machetes dormouse and my felt alligator with earmuffs and a scarf. Although this mini nativity does hold a bit more meaning, it embodies the memory of faith and all its masks. My mask has been removed, and I have not the luxury of faith. I have the inconvenience of knowing and the burden of reality. This didn’t come at the same time as my immortality, but slightly before. I had been a single mother for 7 years. Struggling, working, trying to get ahead, without success. Highly educated and experienced in a number of fields, I still couldn’t manage to find work. If a job called back and my son would ask me something in the background, the person on the other end of the line would say, “Let me call you back after I take a look at my schedule.” The calls never came. A single mother is the most undesirable candidate, whether it is employment, dating, or even friendship. I had one “friend” tell me, “You haven’t got any money and you never want to go party and your all about your kid. You cannot expect anyone to want to spend time with you. You’re the one that didn’t get married, so you have to deal.” I suppose I should have mentioned that was an ex-friend and one thing I am grateful for is that now I will live long enough to watch her wither and die. I’m getting off topic I think. Faith was the original subject. I love to talk about faith and all its perfection. Faith exists in and of itself and asks for everything and gives back nothing in return. It's intangible,  yet millions try to possess it and reach for it. It is fascinating. So many misguided evolved animals that consider themselves elite among the rest of this fleshy kingdom and they devote themselves to something they can never and will never see, while treating those who live and breathe with shame and horror. That is the true nature of humanity. It is easier to pretend to be good and ask forgiveness, as opposed to actually being good. Sinners eat their magic bread and drink their mystical wine to achieve their weekly absolution of all the hell they created in the six days before their churchly visit and will spew their venom six minutes from the end of the service. It isn’t complicated; it isn’t beautiful; and it certainly isn’t mysterious. It is just one big justification for the pain and tears created at the hands of the selfish. Were people good, there would be no need for god and church and absolution, there would be universal kindness and generosity but as human nature has shown, they are in fact the worst of all beasts.  The cruelest, the most barbaric, and endlessly self-forgiving. That is what makes humans so dangerous. Human beings will forgive themselves just about anything because they have the devil to blame. Quite a convenient apparition, even for those who deny its existence. Even an atheist will blame the devil if he or she thinks it will free themselves the displeasure of responsibility. I haven’t come to this conclusion because of my change; I believed this long before that was bestowed upon me. I wonder sometimes if that is why I was chosen, if that is how he found me? My mind wants to believe that it happened for a reason maybe that is my way of holding on to some version of faith in this chaotic society. I watch them all now, scrambling to their jobs, complaining on social media about not having this and having to wait to buy that. So frivolous, and useless, but as I’m learning…delicious. It seems the darker the soul the sweeter the meat. They were becoming animals to me before my enlightenment and now I can see them for what they are. They resemble each other as I once thought all animals of the same species did. Now when I see our humble companions from the animal kingdom I see souls filled with love, generosity and valor, something this human race has evolved its way out of with the onslaught of  useless information. In humans, all I see is selfishness, greed, judgment and cruelty with a rich ganache of falsehood. The falsehood is my favorite part. I can see the evil in them. I can almost read their minds as I study their movements. I see the weak fall as the strong step over them; I see the wealthy bathe in gold as the poor die of starvation and I see the end of this species coming closer. I'll help the end this new Paleozoic era along. Not all these insects should be allowed to evolve. Extinction is inevitable. Myself and others like me have taken the charge to endanger those species that prey on their own, because they are the most useless.  I’m watching a mother with her child walk into their house while I sit in my car. Her body tells me that she is anxious, for freedom. She begrudgingly takes the child into the home and does the bare minimum in order to care for her. She is jealous of her daughter’s youth so she shames her as she pours a large glass of wine. The little girl asks her to read her a book, but mother walks away and picks up her phone. The little girl walks into her room, lies on her bed and looks through the book herself wishing her father would come home. Her father walks in a few moments later, and the little girl runs out to greet him. He hugs her with a smile. I see the love in his eyes, but the mother, now jealous of the attention, orders the child back to bed and does what she needs to do to her husband to stake her claim on his emotions. My faith in his goodness would be there, if he had chosen his child’s happiness over his s****l desires. His carnal choice does not surprise me, but it does ad solidarity to my belief that humans are just prettier primates. I won’t take the mother tonight, or ever, but I do this only for the little girl, I think that makes me kinder than God. He doesn’t care who he hurts. He takes and leaves a wound with no concern for its bleeding, we are then left on our own; broken hearted and without that person. Death is truly unkind and no longer my concern. I lost my faith when I lost my Nidis. Nidis is not a thing; he was everything.  A best friend, wonderful conversationalist, kind hearted, funny, handsome, and long ago, alive. If only I had changed before he was gone, then companionship would have been ours for all eternity. I think that is how long I’m to live, no one really explained that part to me. There cannot be an afterlife, because if there were Nidis would have found a way to come to me; talk to me; he would have made his presence known in any form. He never has. Sometimes I let myself believe he is still trying, so that I can believe he is still somewhere in the universe, but I think it is apparent that I am living the afterlife and all else is just extinguished energy. Nevertheless, I wait patiently for Nidis even though he will never come.  Ah, the night I changed. If only it were a good story, but it really isn’t. It is pedestrian and pathetic. Wish I could lie and say that it was glorious, but one thing that happens after the change is lies are no longer possible. It isn’t an ethical problem, it is that the human ability to deceive and lie is no longer alive within the brain and only the truth remains. I’m convinced this is why my ancient race often stays hidden. It is challenging and dangerous to be around humans. They never stop prying into other people’s business,  just to be involved in something that does not concern them. The selfish need to one up. Braggadocious people bring my race out of the shadows,  if they are lucky my race will leave them be, but if they continue to feed their pride, they will become fatten calves to superior beings.   I did mention my son earlier, didn’t I? I have a 7-year-old son and no, he is not like me. He is still mortal, and exquisite. He knows what I am, but doesn’t care; he loves freely and without judgment. He has begged me to make him like me, but I told him he has to wait until he is 21, and I know he will thank me that I made him wait, although his soul might actually love eternal childhood, but I know for me, the mortal one was torture. The world will never know his absence, and he will never know mine.  I won't send my own son to eternity. I cannot.  There's no lack of candidates but  it won’t be who seduced me, that night three years ago. I had begun that story hadn’t I? I suppose I should tell it, it isn’t  a tale of woe, it is just something that happened. It began with desire and ended with eternity. It was my 34th birthday and my friend Coty wanted to take me out for a drink. My son Giovanni wanted to spend the night with my parents, which insured a night of junk food, soda and Chevy Chase movies. Therefore, I agreed to go out for some drinks and drown what i thought were  disappointments. We arrived at the bar around 8pm and the place was pretty much dead. Only a few people  spread around the bar room drinking and keeping to their conversations. Coty ordered two beers and was walking over to our uneven, scratched up table when I noticed a man at the jukebox. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Body tall and well proportioned, he moved slowly to make his music selection. His profile was that of a chiseled statue that may have been sculpted in the image of an angel, I know it sounds cliché’ but he really did.  Beauty is essential to the survival of their  race. Flawless and unsettling in stature and nature, I was drawn to his beauty and felt a familiarity. Dark brown hair and porcelain skin, had this been  any other place than Massachusetts his pale appearance may have been considered strange. He looked over at me and smiled with notice. His eyes were cobalt blue, and I felt him. Looking at him gave me the feeling that you get when you're in a room alone but feel like you're not. There wasn’t any fear in me, just instinct and the urge for consumption. I knew him but I had never seen him before, he seemed to know me. He sat down at the bar and drank his beer and I waited to hear what he played on the jukebox. A melodic, electronic song familiar to me, but he already knew that. It was a siren’s call.  “Wow I wonder who played that, it’s an old one.” Coty said I motioned to the stranger with my head and of course, Coty had to turn around and look at him. I grabbed Coty and said: “Don’t look at him. Jesus!” “Why not, he is your type entirely. Go over and say something. Use the music as you’re “in” I mean it is your perfect opening.” Coty said while drinking his beer. “It’s my birthday and I want to spend it with my friend. I’m sure he is meeting someone. I mean have you seen him. He is beyond gorge.” I said, and now that I think back, it was an ironic choice of words. “Well I’m going over to play that game, so I’m not going to be at the table anyway. There’s a hottie by the pool table that I need to show my skills too.” Coty said as he started to abandon me.. “Oh come on.! You are not going to blow me off.” I said to him, joking but a little bit serious. He replied to me, “Maybe me not being at the table will work out for you.” It did work out for me, but not in the way he thought or could even have imagined. As soon as Coty walked away from the table, the stranger looked right at me. He motioned to the bartender and said something I could not hear. The bartender poured a dark beer, a light beer and a glass of white wine. The stranger picked up the dark beer and the glass of white wine while the bartender brought the light beer to Coty. I immediately became confused and excited as I watched the stranger walk across the bar towards me. I was breathless. This reaction was not usual for me, as I had lost all urges to be involved with anyone, whether physical or emotional, since I had my son. The relationship that resulted in my child was so abusive and volatile that I believed once it finally ended that it was time for me to just raise my child and live out my life. Seems funny now, how I believed there were only a few years left for me then. This stranger walked right up to me with a closed mouth smile and placed the glass of white wine in front of me. He sat down in Coty’s chair confident without arrogance, which made him all the more attractive to me. “Shouldn’t you ask if you can join me?” I said. “I had a feeling that I was already invited. We shared some thoughts in glances. Didn’t we?” he said in a deep, smooth voice. The voice of a man, but made me think of what an angel might sound like when they whisper. Subtle but crucial. “I suppose we did share a moment that body language confirmed, but do you mind if I ask you a question? It’s kind of personal.” I fiddled with my wine glass. “My name is Godfrey. Was that your question?” he asked knowing he guessed correctly. There was really no guessing. He knew. He had done this before many times. Seduction is a sport for Godfrey. “Wow, Godfrey, huh? Family name?” I asked. “Yes,  but it has always belonged to me. No matter what I have lost, had stolen or watched wither, the one thing that remains strong and constant is my name. In all the changes that I have had the fortune or misfortune to live through, my name has always been mine, from birth till…until my final end.” Godfrey said this to me looking directly into my eyes. Never breaking, never blinking and making sure that I felt it. Now that I think of it, he hinted to me all the time what he was, but his beauty clouded my instincts. He was mesmerizing. I couldn’t understand why he was with me, when he could have had his choice of any woman in the bar. “Why was he sitting with me?”  Well, because I invited him, I had been waiting for him all my life, and when I saw him I knew he would change my life I just didn't know it would be like this. I glanced over at Coty to see what he was doing and I noticed the bartender bringing him another beer as he played pool with the “hottie” whom he had admired moments before. “Don’t worry about Coty. I told the bartender  to send a new beer for everyone that he finishes so his and his lady friends drinks will be flowing freely,  on me.” Godfrey said. “Why would you do that? And how do you know his name?” I asked and the spell was broken. His generosity put me on the defensive. Godfrey realized this and let out a chuckled sigh.. “I heard you say his name…” He told me.  “Yea right, from that far away and in a bar? I don’t think so; you had better come up with something better than that. Who are you? Did Coty put you up to this?” I started to really get irritated at the thought of being someones punch line. “What kind of guy just buys beers for people he doesn’t know and comes up to the oldest woman in the bar? I’m obviously not the ideal choice for companionship.” I spoke quick and clear minded. I knew that something wasn’t right. “Why do you find it so hard to believe it is you I want to sit with, out of everyone in this place? Do you know who you are? Can you not see yourself as I have seen you?” He said, in what appeared to be honesty but now I know it was just seduction. “How you see me? You don’t even know me. You just met me.” I said back at him. He leaned towards me and looked me dead in the eye.  “Look at me. You have known me your whole life. You have been talking to me, asking me for help, calling out in the night for my protection. Look at me, and remember that you know me.”  I pulled back. “What are you talking about?” I said  frightened, gasping and nearing misty tears. “I never called you. I don’t know you.” “Yes you do. You have asked me to help you since you were a little girl. You have begged me to free you from this mortal trap you can’t escape from. I am the one who hears your prayers at night, protects you, and remains unseen. I give life and take it away. Just because you haven’t said my whole name doesn’t mean I haven’t heard your prayers.” He said this like a sermon  and I was terrified. “Godfrey? God? No, it isn’t possible. I don’t believe you.” I tried to hide my fear, but it was obvious. “I may not be who you were praying to, but I was the one who was listening. I may not be the one you have worshiped, but  I have worshiped and waited for you. You  thought it was God you were praying to, but it is Godfrey who was watching over you.” There was so much emotion and seriousness when he spoke. Without a wave the bartender brought him another ale and me another wine. I had finished mine all in one gulp right after the speech. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All I could think was “this  gorgeous man wants to  talk to me is of course he's insane.” He was right. I felt like I knew him, and it was that feeling that you get when you're alone, but don’t feel alone. “You can call me God if you want, I don’t mind. Many have before you and many will in the years to come. If your searching for that all knowing being with no birth and no death then keep searching because in my years I have seen no proof of him, and that devil son of his, I have yet to come across him either. I blame humans for what humans do and reward those who have suffered enough. You have suffered enough and I feel bad that I have let you wait this long for your gift; bit I had to make sure Giovanni was born. I had to see you as a mother, and you do not disappoint. You love beyond, when hope is absent and the future is bleak, you still laugh, you have not abandoned love, because of him.” Godfrey’s speech really alarmed me. “How do you know my son’s name?” I asked in fear. Godfrey just smiled like he always does. “How do you know my son’s name!?” I yelled and slammed my hands to the table. “If you touch him, harm him, I will kill you! If you take him from me I swear I will kill you slow and make you suffer; make you beg for death and then I'll make it slower. You'll find out why life is pain.” I heard the words coming out of my mouth but felt no fear. The idea of my son in danger raises things in me, and without regret. I got up from the table, threw my wine in his face and walked away. Godfrey stood up grabbed my arm slowly and said, “This is why I chose you. I know you; I have always known you and I need you to come with me. I will give you the gift you have been yearning for, what you have always asked of me. Your god has never listened and I have been at your side, just out of sight since you were born. I never left you, and he was never there. God doesn’t care if you live, he doesn’t care if you die;  he doesn’t care at all. If he had, you would have known his mercy, but instead you suffer and he forces you to watch  all the evil around you live in luxury. What god would allow that? Certainly not Godfrey. I even the score; I make the evil pay for their sins. I am the bringer of karma and I sanctify my calling. It is your calling  since you were born. That is why I am here. I’m here to give you the help you have prayed for, to answer the questions you have asked in the dark as your mind was shutting down and the dream self was taking hold. It was my voice your heard whisper to you that night in your room that scared you and you tried not to hear. The voice that made you sleep with the light on from then on.” I just looked at him. I never told anyone about the voice I heard call my name in the dark, one night. I knew at that moment, everything he said to me was true.   “I called out to you, but you weren’t ready. I wanted you so badly then, I wanted to make you who you were meant to be, but I scared you. So I waited. You’re not afraid anymore. Are you?” he asked but he knew the answer. I wasn’t afraid anymore. Desire and will had left me that year and all I lived for was my son. I looked at the human race with detachment and hatred over what it has become. I watched a mad man lead our country into peril while everyone stood grasping flags of justification. I then watched an evil man slide into office because the people had been beaten down, pacified, and just wanted change. I could see all the lies and at that point, I knew that I was totally alone and could not be part of it anymore. So I had shut myself off from it all and stopped looking for diamonds in dog s**t. “I don’t know how you know that, and I don’t care, I’m leaving. Coty!” I yelled out, “I want to go home.” “He can’t hear you,” said Godfrey, “He is otherwise engaged. Mimi is a worthy partner for this evening’s pleasure, she won’t hurt him, and she will make him happy if only for a few hours.” “You set this up? What are you going to do to Coty?” I asked with tears in my eyes. “Nothing, Mimi is going to love him tonight and then be on her way. He is perfectly safe. Coty will wake up feeling better than he ever has. The humanity he has will remain and his mortal life will not be taken.  Consider it a gift…for you. “It's time to leave. It's been long enough”. Godfrey  ran his hand up the side of my face and to the back of my head while leaning in to me. His skin felt like silk and his breath smelled like lilacs, I couldn’t move and I didn’t want to. It was innocent seduction and I couldn’t escape it. “Let it go. Let me have you and you can stop searching.  I will never abandon you.” He whispered to me. My eyes closed and tears escaped to my cheeks. He put his arms around me, I felt his face against mine, and it gave me comfort.  I was paralyzed with hope and passion. I couldn’t move and didn’t want to; I was being consumed by his energy and was losing control. I needed to get it back, I couldn’t allow myself to be overcome. I needed to run but I didn’t want to. “Let it go.  Come with me and tomorrow the world will be as it has never been. It will be bright; it will be safe; it will be yours. Just let me help you  end this path and begin your true journey. It's  a glorious road that never ends and you will never tire of walking through its beauty.” I couldn’t open my eyes and my legs wouldn’t walk, my heartbeat  was so slow that I should have been afraid. I wanted to it stop beating, I just wanted it to stop. Thumping and thumping in the broken down mortal shell, which limited my ability even though my mind destroyed boundaries.  I couldn’t breathe and everything was going black. I wanted to breathe again, but didn't dare try out of fear he might let me go. Godfrey did what he planned. It was quick and painless as a kiss.  “I can feel your fear leaving your body. This is just the beginning, I promise. I cannot break my promises, and I wouldn’t if I could. You'll never have to pray again.” Godfrey held me close as he whispered those words and suddenly the strength came back into my body. There was a power surging in my muscles and veins. My mind was clear and focused. The seduction was over and I was awake. I made my decision. I opened my eyes, looked into his and said; “ I’m ready.”  “Then kiss me child, and let me make you a god.”