Chapter 15
1127 Words
Ang malutong na sampal ni Nicholai ang sumalubong sa akin pag-uwi ko ng bahay.
I was looking at him with wide eyes while holding my swollen cheek. Shocked by what he just did, I stood in front of him without moving. It was the first time that he hurt me physically.
“Who f*****g told you to go out?!” he shouted with rage.
I stepped back as I saw how angry he was. Isang linggo na ang lumipas simula nang nakalabas ako galing sa hospital. Nicholai brought me back here to our house, and from then on, my life started to become hell afterwards.
Walang palya itong umuuwi na hindi lasing. Ang lamig na din ng trato niya sa akin. And I never saw him in that worst state. Not until our life started to mess up. And I guess I was the one who messed it up. It was my fault. And everyday he would remind me that it was my fault that our baby died. Every f*****g day.
I looked at him angrily and clenched my fist, trying to control myself. Ayaw kong makipagsagutan sa kanya. I was tired and I wanted to rest. I looked away and was about to leave him when he suddenly grabbed my arm.
“I am still talking to you!” he said in gritted teeth.
I winced when I felt the pain on my arm. His holding my arm tightly.
“Let me go, Nicholai. You are hurting me!”
“Mas masasaktan ka talaga dahil sa tigas ng ulo mo. Defy me again at hindi lang ito ang gagawin ko sayo!” Malakas niyang binitawan ang braso ko at lumabas ng bahay. Padabog niya pang sinarado ang pinto.
I could hear the engine of his car going out of the gate. And I was sure that he would be back here tonight, drunk again.
Napapikit ako at hinilot ang sintido. “What are you doing to yourself, Denima?” bulong ko sa aking sarili.
Hindi ko alam na seryoso pala si Nicholai noong sinabi niya na bawal akong lumabas ng bahay. I really thought that he was just kidding. Ngayon alam ko na na hindi pala. Seryoso pala talaga ito. At nasampal pa ako ng wala sa oras.
I caressed my cheek again. Damn him for hurting me like this!
I was thinking of leaving him at umuwi sa parents ko. Kaya lang napagisip-isip ko na baka mas lalo lang ipagdiininan ni Nicholai na pinlano ko talaga ang pagkaka-aksidente ko. So I choose to stay and prove to him na hindi totoo ang mga akusasyon niya sa akin. I chose to be miserable because I was giving him the benefit of doubt.
I know he was just like this because our baby died. It was his way of grieving. Maybe if I would stay for a bit, he would realize that he was not the only one who was grieving. And that maybe he would change later on.
The big question, when will it happen?
I decided to went inside my room and change. Hindi na ako tumutuloy sa kwarto namin ni Nicholai. I was using the other room. After what happened in the hospital, everything messed up. At hindi ko din kaya pang makatabi si Nicholai sa iisang kama pagkatapos niya akong paratangan at pagsabihan ng masasakit na salita.
For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about where Nicholai got those annulment papers. Wala akong ideya kung saan niya nakuha iyon. It even got my signature on the papers which was really odd. Hindi ko din alam kung saan niya nakuha ang ideya na sinadya ko ang pagkaka-aksidente ko. Who would be in the right mind to do such a thing?
Napabuntong-hininga ako at kinuha ang phone ko. I dialed Cheni’s number. Siya lang naman ang nakakaalam sa nangyayari ngayon sa akin. I was actually thankful that she was always there to listen about my problem. Kasi kung wala siya, baka nabaliw na ako dito sa bahay.
Cheni answered the call after two rings. “Dosh!” Halos mabingi ako sa sigaw nito sa kabilang linya.
“Dosh…” I was hesitant to tell her what happened a while ago. Baka kasi bigla na lang sugurin ni Cheni si Nicholai. I bet it would be a disaster.
[Anong problema?] tanong nito sa kabilang linya.
“I am so tired,” pagod na sabi ko.
[What?! May nangyari na naman ba? Tell me!] I bit my lower lip. I should tell her para maibsan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.
“He slapped me,” sumbong ko.
[What the hell?! Bakit mo naman hinayaan na sampalin ka ng lalaking ‘yon?!] galit na tanong nito.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I was shocked. Kakauwi ko lang galing sa puntod ng baby ko. Sampal agad ang bumungad sa akin pag-uwi. I thought he was just kidding when he said that I am not allowed to go out. Seryoso pala siya sinabi niya. ” paliwanag ko sa kanya.
Pinagawan ko pa ng puntod ang baby ko. I know it was still a fetus, but still, ‘yon ang gusto ko. I wanted to have a place for my baby where I could visit it regularly. I wanted to feel that the baby really existed even though it was gone. Nicholai didn’t know about it. I didn’t tell him.
[Dapat sinabi mo na galing ka puntod ng baby niyo. My God, dosh! Hindi ka naman ganyan noon. Asan na ang palaban na Denima Cris na kilala ko?]
I smiled bitterly. “She was long gone, dosh. And I don’t know if babalik pa ba ang dating ako. Masyadong maraming nangyari. And I guess losing my baby made me lose myself too.”
Ang sugat nang pagkawala ng baby ko ay nakaukit na sa puso ko. Malalim ang ginawang sugat nito. At hindi ko alam kung kailan maghihilom.
I heard Cheni heaved a sigh in the other line. [Dosh… I want to help you. But you need to help yourself too. Bakit ba hindi mo maiwan si Nicholai?] Ayokong sagutin si Cheni kung bakit. Kasi alam ko na kung ano ang sasabihin niya.
She had been telling me to leave Nicholai tutal wala na naman daw ang baby namin. Na wala na ang kaisa-isang dahilan na nagtatali sa akin kay Nicholai. I know she made sense but it felt so wrong for me to leave him in this state. Especially since it was still a week since our baby died.
“Thank you for listening to me, Cheni. I am really thankful that you are always there to listen to all my problems. But for now, I can’t leave him. I got to go. Hinahanap ako ni Manang Linda,” sabi ko dito sabay baba ng tawag.
Hinagis ko ang phone ko sa kama sabay pabagsak na humiga dito.
Hanggang kailan, Denima?
Hanggang kailan mo kayang tiisin si Nicholai?
- Writer
