I'm Sorry, Don't leave Me!

The Seven Muskeeters

“And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 ESV)

The seven friends I told you about were the seven musketeers that surrounded me. I called them musketeers because they carried weapons that greatly helped me in times of great difficulty since it was my first time to be in the cloud nine. I am a certified NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) so what can you expect? 

The feelings that popped out in my heart are all new to me and they are all delightful. They say I am a late bloomer when it comes to falling in love because I waited for College to experience the feeling of being in the Cloud nine. 

I admitted it as the truth because my mom was quite strict and she didn’t want those kinds of things to affect my studies. The reason why I was forced to be in this institution was because my mom who was an Alumna of the school knew that I would be protected by the Program’s rule. We were five siblings and every one of us studied and mom since she was alone financing us could not support me no longer. My dad? He left us a long time ago since I was in the third grade for another woman. Seeing my family that way made me vowed that I would keep my own family if I will ever have in the future stronger and intact. And that I would find someone who is not like my dad. 

Unfortunately, my mom had underestimated cupid, thinking that I would be protected by the rules and love couldn’t hit me while inside. I found that the danger and temptation were a lot nearer to me now. And that the sixth rule was not a shield, not a love-proof that will spare me from the feeling of attraction and infatuation for someone.

Thankfully, I got my friends who were really my armor. Without them, I would have already eaten my own words when I vowed that I would never be one of those scholars who disobeyed the sixth rule and abandoned everything. I couldn’t imagine abandoning my mom and my siblings for they meant a whole world to me. 

My friends were also my batch mates actually who hailed from different places, molded with different cultures and brought up with different family backgrounds. The Philippines is composed of 7, 100 islands and islets, so, you can just imagine the diversity among us. The truth of the matter was that unity in diversity was always possible. 

We took different courses in College—six of us majored in Business Administration and two including myself fell in love with teaching so, we took Education---Secondary Education in particular. Even though we have different schedules, we always find time to bond and hear each other’s stories out. We laughed, cried, quarreled, celebrated, fought together, and dreamt together. 

Notwithstanding the idiosyncrasies, we found ourselves most united with and in one ultimate goal--- each one must finish College. Our motto was “Things obtain with sacrifice are the sweetest to one’s taste.” And the quote from St. Therese of Avila that had become our group’s mantra:

“Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. All things are passing away—only God remains. Patience gains all things; nothing is lacking to those who have God: God alone is sufficient.”

I chose my friends not because they are handsome and beautiful or well- mannered and intelligent (although if I would try to see they all are) but because of the light—delightful feelings I felt whenever I am with them. We just complimented what lacked in each one and shared everything as a gift. Truly, friends are gifts and when one finds one—found a treasure for himself. 

We cared and tried to help each other out whenever difficulty was on our way.

That’s why, when they put me on a hot seat trying to know my heart’s status, I slowly peeled my onions.

“Steff, can you just be honest? We’re more than willing to hear you out. No judgments!” Eirene said with utter sweetness and sincerity--typical of her because among my seven friends she was the honest, open and understanding, too opposite for my enigmatic personality.

I lowered my head as I am not comfortable admitting my secret feelings to people and besides I used to rationalize. For me, there was nothing wrong with my feelings for Anthony ---negating the blooming feelings I had for this playboy.

But my friends saw me through and I can’t hide from them. They only want that I would admit their speculations. I frowned.

“Hey…it’s okay. Having affection for someone? There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a feeling for goodness sake!” The practical and straight-forward Hydra commented.

“Girl, I feel something for someone too and I felt so happy about it.” The cheerful Larissa confessed just to coax me.

I looked at her smiling eyes and I felt relaxed. Then, I started to open my mouth telling them the unnamable strange feelings I have for Anthony which they receive with greater understanding and acceptance.

“Surely you are on the road to perdition… remember the 6th rule?” Jayvee, our humorous gay friend said half-jokingly imitating the voice of our stern Scholarship Coordinator.

“Road to perdition..you say? Look at your face that’s the road to perdition.”  Zariah Zade countered and made a boisterous laughter at Jayvee who was now seen at the moment trying to pick for his rebuttal.

Jayvee and Zariah were like cat and dog in our group but they were the closest to each other. They planned wild escapades for them alone without us knowing because Eirene, the righteous one and the oldest among us would surely not permit those to happen like climbing the roof top to get the green Indian mango fruits when the guard was not looking. Florien, Iclyn and I were the usual beneficiaries.

Hydra who was the next in age stopped the two from their useless arguments and they ended up laughing.

The atmosphere was back to being serious.

“What if the feeling is mutual?” Larissa said with much excitement.

“Ohhhh… that would be so romantic.” The hopeful romantic Florien said and both of them giggled.

“What!—no mutual-mutual!” Hydra retorted.

“Study first! Remember that!” she added with her usual prank-stern voice.

“What do you think, Iclyn?” Florien called Iclyn’s attention who was now glued at her Tablet watching BTS hoping to get some support.

“I don’t know---never get to experienced that.” She answered coldly and inaccurately in relation to the question. 

Florien rolled her eyes. 

“Yah, you would never experience it because I don’t know if you have feelings.” Florien said with a little disappointment not being able to get the support she wanted from her.

Iclyn just smiled at her, stuck her tongue out like an innocent child and got back to watching.

“Oh, cut it …” Eierene retorted looking at the two unpleasantly.

If Florien’s personality was like the summer sun, Iclyn’s was the exact opposite. You can never tell if her emotion of the day---they seemed to be frozen inside her poker face. That’s why when Florien got to be too excited about almost everything—Iclyn was there to balance the atmosphere.

Observing my friends’ deviated personalities were always amusing but despite our wide differences the things like respect, acceptance, understanding and openness were what kept us together---those were the important values I learned from my group which I would carry for the rest of my life.

“So, what am I gonna do with my feelings?” I asked my friends.

“If I were to ask…” Eriene started with her usual polite manner.

“Now that you have admitted your feelings for him, maybe it will be good if you distance yourself from him so that you will not fall for him deeply.” She continued.

“I suggest, forget your feelings and ignore him period.” Hydra said bitterly.

“But… that’s impossible because they are in one duty area…how could she? Besides, it’s easier said than done. I could just feel Steff’s agony. Florien retorted with sympathetic gestures.

“Right..right…right!, Anthony might over think and will cause him sleepless nights.” Larissa said with mixture of worries.

“Over thinker you say? Look at yourself Lars…” Zariah made a sharp remark.

“Who else can’t sleep at night just because of the howl of a lone dog and will sleep at other’s bed because of overthinking that a ghost was nearby?” Zariah continued with her teasing.

“Larissa!…. I would say…ay..ay.” Jayvee sang his response in a funny way that annoyed Larissa.

“Ok..admit it. I’m the over thinker here. Happy?” she said while eyeing the two.

The latter were so amused in their conspiracy of putting the cheerful Larissa in a bad mood.

“You got an onion skin here dear.” Jayvee smiled while caressing Larissa’s skin which annoyed the latter all the more.

“ Cut it guys… we’re here to come up with sustainable solutions on how to handle unwanted feelings.” Eirene said referring to the two.

“Sorry…” the two conspirators said in chorus. Jayvee closed his big mouth tightly while playing a mocked embarrassed gesture. I can’t help but smile because he was like a cute cat denied of food.

“Ok… back to the matter.” Hydra said.

“So, it’s not possible to forget and ignore him because proximity builds attraction…am I right?” she continued.

All of us nodded.

“Have you done accepting your feelings Steff?” Eirene countered like someone who just came up with a bright idea.

“I’m in the process..” I said 

“Ok good.. Because once you have accepted it…it will be easier for you to handle that unwanted feeling.” Eirene replied.

“Acceptance is the key to freedom and once you have done it, you can do whatever you want in that---you can box it and put it at one corner of your heart waiting for the right time to come for the two of you or threw it to the sea of forgetfulness so you can find looking for someone after College.” She continued.

“But I guess… Anthony is a husband material, don’t you think? Larissa commented.

“I agree… he has the qualities I like in a man but he’s not my crush..swear!” Florien replied. “Right, Steff?” she looked at me waiting for my reaction.

“Nope…he’s a playboy!” I said referring to my first impression.

“Playboooy! And you are…. the toy?” Jayvee let out his not-so-funny joke.

I smirked to hide the truth that  hit me straight to my heart and kept my mouth shut.

“Cut it..Jayvee! If you don’t have some nice things to say just bite your tongue.” Hydra commented upset at Jayvee’s below the belt joke.

Larissa chuckled—satisfied that she got her revenge.

“One thing is for sure now…she had to undergo the process of acceptance.” Eirene made a quick summary.

Everything my friends said made sense to me. They were right!  Feelings are not good or bad. I feel them and they signaled me to some points in my life that I need to have a careful look. They need to be accepted and not be ignored and suppressed because if I do—it will just be bottled up in my hearts and will eventually explode at one point.

I decided to plunge myself into the process and to learn the skill of handling unwanted emotions so that these feelings may not be a distraction to my studies and I would not deviate to what I wanted to be. It’s a sacrifice though to feel the drive to express my real feelings for him but I have to put it “on hold”. The accompanying feeling of jealousy was difficult to handle whenever Anthony friendly and charming as he was would receive giggles from other ladies inside the campus. I don’t know but I felt the drive to possess someone I cherish.

“Welcome to the human world.” Eirene cheered me up as I told her one day of my struggle. She was my closest confidante among my friends because she had a heart capable of understanding and listening to me. I was gravitated towards her kind mien.

“I am not comfortable with this  Eiren…All the while I thought that once I accepted this infatuation, everything will also follow but I realized that there are a lot of strings attached to it.” I lamented to her, so feeling down.

“Are you sad because of jealousy or are you sad because you can’t have him now?” She asked me without going around the bush helping me sort out the cause of my lamentation.

“I don’t know..got no clue---may be both?” I said in my confusion.

“It’s the primitive instinct in us that drive us to possess something or someone that we love and like. We all have that tendency I would say and if we aren't at all aware of this tendency it is the source of the many sorrows and pains that are in the world--crimes in particular." She countered and I listened with my whole being, shuddered with Eirene's revelation.

“Everyone of us—all human beings –me and you are not exceptions have this. So, don’t beat yourself! Gladly recognize and accept the feelings that emerge.” Eirene said like an expert guidance counselor. I was amazed at her eloquence.

“How do you know all about this? You are just two years older than me.” was the quick retort that followed. She smiled to herself and tapped my shoulders.

“Books –I read self-help books always and I love them. They helped me a lot in my inward journey. They said that if you read good books it made you wiser and stronger. My mom is a bookworm and I got it from her. She’s picky though of the kind of books I read. She always see to it that I read good books and not the ones that could destroy my soul and mind but the ones that build me up. Though we are poor but being poor doesn’t hinder me to read good books.” Eirene spill her secrets.

“Have you seen the National library?” She looked at me to see if I could relate to what she said. I nodded in response.

“My mom and I were the constant visitors in there before I entered here.” She recalled with great fondness.

“It looks like you have a great mom with you.” I complimented.

She nodded in response.

Thanks to Eirene who cleared the doubt in me and lead me to be comfortable with the chains of emotions I felt with regard to my present heart status for Anthony.

I realized that the process which I bravely began was easy said than done. Accepting and managing emotions was like peeling your own onion skins. This battle is only for the brave and courageous because of the fear that accompanies it. Plunging into the process was like seeing for the first time my own ghost both in the past and in the future that lurked at the corner of my consciousness. I braved the way because this is the only way out if I want to keep my dreams and build myself. 

It is true that the greatest battle being wage every day is found in our own hearts and minds. I am cautious to choose my battle wisely.

I sounded like a mature individual infected by Eirene’s contagious psychological disposition but deep inside I was a crying baby. The pillows were my silent witnesses to the tears I shed of not being able follow what my heart dictates which was very overwhelming to a young adult who was experiencing for the first time to be head over heels in love. I can just feel the struggle.

It wasn’t at all easy because I saw him every day as he was my companion for the entire day in one duty assignment.

The process was slow but as days passed I began to be comfortable with my feelings and I learned to live by it. The new struggle was to keep it hidden my feelings from Anthony since I couldn’t keep the thrill whenever our eyes met and saw the glimmer in his eyes- I would smile sweetly and beautifully. When our hands accidentally brushed while cleaning the office –I would feel the instant panic and the reaction like something hot was being poked into my skin. Or when he deliberately touched me--I couldn’t help but blushed as I felt electrified with his light touches.

My physiological reactions were too obvious that I wondered if Anthony had an idea of what’s going on inside me. His presence was like a song entitled “Killing me softly” because of the intense automatic response my body sent whenever he's nearer.

I didn’t like to assume but Larissa’s idea of me and Anthony having mutual feelings were close to reality because he seemed to enjoy much my company. But I said to myself that I would not have illusions of those kinds unless it was stated.