Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART TWO: GREER. [A new conection]

I know this might sound strange, but I just can’t take my eyes off of her. I enjoy watching her sleep so much… She seems so peaceful, it’s almost like...nothing can harm her. And what could harm her while she sleeps?

Oh, yeah…the memories that constantly leak into her dreams...and all of this stupid darkness always trying to lash onto her!

Nina has an innate light…a...way too bright light. She constantly attracts these stupid darkness shards. It’s not as bad during the day. Because during the day, she subconsciously deflects them and protects herself...even without realizing it. But at night…that’s kind of my job. Her defenses are always lower when she sleeps, so these things come after her...viciously. Since I can’t really do much about her dreams, I make sure these things can’t get to her.

The sun slowly rose, and the light slowly colored the room...at that point, the shards started to flee. And then I looked at Nina, and her sleeping face…

I couldn’t help but to kneel next to her. I rested my head against the bed, in front of hers and took in her doll-like features. I couldn’t understand how she could think so poorly of herself, and at the same time...I understood it completely, not because I thought poorly of her…but the same emotion that led her to feel that way, occasionally washed through me as well.

The sun lit her face, and a slight, almost imperceptible movement of her lids, told me she was about to wake up. I panicked and tried to hide, crouching at the side of the bed...but I also wanted to see her open her eyes. It was my favorite part of the day…well…that and when we went to bed together.

I was peeking, lost in the scene, when our eyes locked...and for a moment, I wanted to tell her everything...and I wanted to be able to do more. For a brief moment, I wished she saw me as more than her imaginary friend….

“Ugh…don’t ever do that again!” She groaned sleepily as she rubbed her eyes.

I know I must’ve looked like a creep…but I couldn’t help myself this time. She was the most beautiful part of me...that’s what I had always thought…for some reason. And I loved that thought.

“Ninaaa…. You’ll be late, come on!” I had tried shaking her up, but she seemed so determined to stay in bed, I had to raise my voice a bit, although I didn't really want her to wake up, knowing she would leave.

I didn’t want her to go. But I knew she was meeting up with Terry today...and even though I wasn’t happy about that…I knew Terry was an important part of her life. She helped Nina keep in contact with the world outside, and gave her a reason to go out and explore a bit of it. She was the reason Nina wasn’t completely lost now…as much as it pained me.

Sometimes, I wished I was that reason…I wanted to be just as important as Terry seemed to be for her. But what could I do? Why would someone that isn’t even real have that place in a person’s life?

So, I was jealous…I was jealous because Terry could have a place in Nina’s life…that I could never even aim for.

There were so many things I couldn’t do for Nina, and the things that were possible for me to do…I couldn’t, unless she allowed me to...and I knew that was going to take a lot more time. I knew she wasn’t ready.

I am aware of how overprotective I became, but in the past, there was a time when her entire body just reeked of pain, leaking through every pore.... It was heartbreaking…and I couldn’t bare to see her like that anymore.

Since Terry came into her life…that hasn’t happened…and I guess…that’s what bothers me so much. I fear one day she won’t need me anymore….

I watched her every movement as she ran and hopped all around getting ready. It seemed almost like a dance to me, and it was beautiful...on its own very peculiar way. It happened every time she had to leave, because she somehow always overslept...even having an alarm (which we stopped using after a while because she always woke up long after it rang).

“Bye”

Was the last I heard as she walked out the door.

After she left, the house seemed deprived of color and warmth…it always happened. That’s how much her inner light was worth…all the color and warmth of the world. At least…it was that way for me.

Nina was truly something special. I know my view was biased, after taking care of her during her entire life...and being there for her even when she didn’t know...but anyone else could just as easily see the light within her...if they weren't blind, that is.

I never knew what to do when Nina left. I would willingly follow her...but she thought I couldn’t be outside...she believed I was just some figment of her imagination and that I was bound to wherever she could call home, or to whatever space she felt safe in…and I played along. Because...that was what made her feel safe right now.

I decided I’d tell her everything when she felt better, I just never gathered the courage to shatter her comfort and trust…not yet. I needed to wait for her to be ready, so the fear, the lack of confidence, and all of her trauma, wouldn’t get in the way, making her lose herself once more.

~~~~~

I spent the day pacing around the house, without a clear idea of what I wanted to or could do. I didn’t need to eat, and since Nina believed I was imaginary...well…I couldn’t really do it either, at least not in front of her, and just to play along, I didn't do it either even when she wasn't there. So, I just took a look at the pantry sometimes, if I was really bored, and it was enough to really make me want to get a snack...but also, it was enough to make me feel satisfied.

The TV seemed to be the only option left, and I always ended in front of it. Nina left it on a channel where our favorite program was transmitted, because, well…I wasn’t supposed to be able to touch the remote and all that. But when Nina was away, I always changed the channels to look for more interesting stuff to watch...because I legitimately only liked that one show. Whenever I sensed Nina was close, I changed the channel back and pretended nothing happened.

I was terribly bored just sitting around… I should probably be with Nina now… No... I wanted to be with Nina now. But I couldn’t risk it. And, she needed her space, I couldn’t be stuck to her all the time, that…. wasn’t right…right?

Anxiety always filled me up, whenever I needed to just patiently wait for Nina, with no means of communicating with her. And it made knowing if she was okay, if she was sad, or in danger, or whatever, a lot harder. So, I didn’t know what to do...then I felt her sinking down again.

I sighed.

Whenever she started feeling guilty or sad, frightened or angry, it ignited an uneasiness inside me...and I couldn’t shake it away...no matter how much I tried. And I didn’t try very much, I…kinda liked this connection I had with Nina. It made me feel…necessary, like I had a purpose here, like I was still a part of her life.

I could sometimes see what she was thinking, or at least feel it. And see why she was feeling like that. But it wasn’t a given. Sometimes, it didn’t work…and that’s why I always got so anxious.

This time, I tried to do it…I tried to see what had her suddenly so down, and I was so surprised when I realized it worked.... But then…something odd happened...I was right there...like...I was a part of the scene on her mind.

It was like being in a movie, a movie projected in her mind. I realized it was most likely a dream…but not any dream, it was a dream of a memory. A memory of…when she was in college?

I recognized her old friends, and the old building she used to take classes in. The library that was a few steps away and that she always enjoyed going to so much…i smiled thinking of how much of a bookworm she was back then.…

Her old friends were all standing there, in the middle of the courtyard, looking ahead, in the distance, with a sort of blank expression on their faces…I don’t remember it like that…I remember their sad and disappointed faces as they realized that their dear friend had been so deeply hurt by life, that she felt like such a failure, and such a waste of money and time for the people around her.

I sighed and closed my eyes, looking away from the blank expressions she had decided to give her friends…then, I saw her:

She was walking away, and as she looked over her shoulder, I saw the pain in her eyes, and then…the look in her eyes changed to a surprised one as her eyes and mine met.