Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART THREE: NINA. [Feelings are confusing]

Greer was like my best friend, my life companion! My…everything…until now.

My heart was pounding so loudly in my chest…it was so strong that I felt the need to clutch my chest and then, I sat on the edge of the tub, trying to calm down; I felt like I would’ve passed out otherwise.

I tried to watch my breathing, to slow it down so I could get some calm back in me. I couldn’t believe what I had just thought about Greer, and beyond that, I couldn’t believe, that I really didn’t mind at all; actually, I kind of liked the idea of being with Greer.

As surprising as it was to me, it was actually very comfortable to think about Greer in that way, it only seemed natural after all these years. But it felt impossible. First, because I liked Terry a lot; and second…because Greer was not real.

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. I couldn’t tell if it was because of Greer, or because of me. I mean: I couldn’t tell if it was because I liked Greer, because she wasn’t real; or if it was because I felt guilty of excusing myself by saying she wasn’t real; or maybe it was because I had kissed Terry before and had let her think it was okay, and that probably things would be like that between us from now on...without even considering Greer at all.

I only knew, I liked them both, maybe even loved them. In different ways; but I still had to make up my mind about which was which. Meanwhile, I would have to thread carefully…everything would be much more complicated and confusing now.

I came out of the bathroom and tried to avoid looking directly in Greer’s eyes, I knew that as soon as I did, I would reveal a bit more of my feelings than I needed to reveal now, especially when they weren’t clear.

She stood up when she saw me come out, and I instinctively looked up…Damn it!.... I looked right into her eyes without realizing it, and I could immediately feel my cheeks burning in a pinkish tone as the thoughts I had before kept swirling in my head.

The embarrassment made me lock my gaze on the floor, not wanting to have any other reaction that would give away how I felt.

“Nina, is something…wrong?” She walked closer, leaning down to peek at my face, and I tried to escape her sight, moving to the kitchen as fast as I could.

“Everything is fine, I just…was a lil hungry.” I really wasn’t hungry…at all. I had already eaten with Terry, and we had ice cream. If I were to eat anything else, it would surely fight to escape my stomach and it wouldn’t be nice.

“Oh…well…maybe we can eat some…uhm…” She suddenly stopped talking.

“Greer?” I looked at her, her cheeks were pink and she was looking away in embarrassment.

“I…I’m sorry…maybe we should go to bed, you need some…rest…I think?” She seemed very unsure of what to say, or why. It was like she had said or done something wrong and was suddenly trying to divert attention from it.

I just shrugged it off, and sighed as I tried to regain some composure, and act normal so I could keep all my feelings to myself…until I could sort them out.

“Sure, let’s go to bed” I smiled, trying to seem cool, but I was really nervous inside.

Greer and I had always slept in the same bed; we had practically cuddled our whole lives…well…all of the time she had been next to me since I...imagined her. And now, it seemed like a terrible idea…for me…I wasn’t sure I could keep my composure. Not that I would do anything…weird…with her, but…I felt like she would easily pick on the small signals that’d reveal my newly found…confusion.

I walked to the bedroom, slowly, silently, keeping my gaze down. I could feel Greer’s curious stare as she followed closely behind me. I was being too weird; she obviously suspected something wasn’t completely okay, but I just couldn’t face her right now.

The blush in my cheeks just got worse, I could feel it burning brightly as I held my pajamas in my hand: I usually changed in front of Greer like it was nothing to be worried about, and right now, I could only stare at the clothes in my hand and blush brightly, while a million thoughts ran through my head.

If I went out to change, Greer would suspect something was going on…but if I changed in front of her…I wasn’t even sure that I could do it at all right now.

I decided the easiest would be to change in the bathroom, excusing myself with something like… having to wash my teeth, even if I had already done so.

When I went back into the room, Greer was already lying down, her back towards the door. I could only assume she was sleeping as she was breathing so deeply and calmly. I smiled to myself, slightly relieved and picturing her cute sleeping face in my head, just for a little bit.

After shaking my head to get rid of those thoughts for the night, I laid down on my side of the bed, which was the side that faced the window; when I tried to get on my side to sleep, with my back to the window, Greer was staring at me, and I could immediately feel my cheeks burning up again.

It’s like I had spent the entire day blushing, and I didn’t know how much more I would be able to handle.

She smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear, gently; then her arm hovered over me, as if she was trying to scare away some kind of bug, and I slapped my own arm in a panic, thinking I maybe had a mosquito or something like that on it. That made her giggle, and I could feel my arm slowly reaching her face.

Before my hand cupped her cheek, I was able to move it away, and tuck her hair behind her ear like she had done with me before.

“You know, you don’t have to be a girl all the time just for my sake…”

I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore...I was so nervous that I just said whatever popped into my head first, after a very uncomfortable (or so it seemed to me) silence.

Thankfully, she giggled, and didn’t think that I was being weird.

“Maybe you’re right. I haven’t given you a chance…I always assume you’re not ready, or that you’re more fragile than you probably are…” She sounded a little sad “I’m sorry, Nina…I’ve been unfair to you…I will try to be more…” She hesitated and then shook her head “no…I will try to trust more in you.”

I just nodded and closed my eyes, trying to get some sleep before I did something we would all regret; but as I expected…I was so restless that I couldn’t sleep at all. However, I didn’t want to let her know that I was having trouble sleeping, because then she would try to inquire about the reasons and I really didn’t want her to; I didn’t want to have to explain that I thought I was in love with Terry…and her…at the same time.

After a while of pretending to sleep, while in reality my mind was extremely busy replaying the events of the day, and trying to make sense of my feelings, I finally started to feel drowsy; and, as I was dozing off, I felt her arms wrap around me in a protective manner, and it reminded me of the way Terry had pulled me into her arms when we were in the roller skate ring.

I could feel a soft warmth rushing towards my cheeks, and I closed my eyes even harder, trying to dismiss those thoughts at once, and trying to ‘fight’ against the blush.

While I battled all those feelings, and inopportune body responses, I finally managed to drift away, into the dream world.