Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART ONE: NINA. [Happy memories?]

The best time of my life was probably freshman’s year in college. And it’s also the time I regret the most:

I started the year being weary of everyone, I barely talked to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary, so like that, the crazy wouldn’t show and I could have some peace at least this time.

Oddly enough, this time, instead of people avoiding and walking away from me, people kept coming by, trying to start a conversation, and to pull me into their friends’ circle. I spent half of my first year being dragged around from one group of friends to another, and I always ended up ghosting them…that's until she decided it was her turn to drag me into her group.

It all started one day, when we were all waiting outside, for the workshop’s door to open, and class to start. I was sitting on a nearby bench, minding my business, without talking or looking at anyone, when suddenly I heard a voice:

“Oh, hey! Do you like anime?”

I looked up and saw her standing in front of me, with that breathtaking smile. I looked around to make sure she was talking to me and not make a silly mistake in front of her.

“Well…I haven’t watched a lot, but…yeah, you could say so, I guess...” The smile on her face got even brighter and she sat next to me.

“I knew it”. She said with satisfaction while she looked straight at me.

“Well, I guess people like us tend to be like a magnet, huh?” I replied and she coked her head as she looked at me. “Because we are always kind of able to find and recognize each other…” I explained feeling silly at making that lame pointing out. To my surprise, she giggled and then nodded in agreement.

“You’re right, we are like magnets to each other, aren’t we?”

Her name was Robin, and from that day on, she made sure I couldn’t escape from her for as long as I assisted to that college.

She made sure I was comfortable enough at all times when she was around and took on the part of my protector. She knew I was from another town, and constantly checked on me: how I was feeling, if I had enough money for this or that, whenever we needed to attend conferences and go to expositions outside of the college ground, she gave me a ride in her car, and even declined the gas money in multiple occasions. If I lost any of the material for the classes, she would always give me hers accompanied with a phrase like 'Oh, I think this is the thing you had lost, I found mine at home yesterday and this was in my car/backpack, you probably dropped it there, or maybe I took it by mistake when I sat with you yesterday'. And at first, I tried to reject it, but she didn’t take a no for an answer; so with time, I just got used to accept it all, from the class materials, to the food she sometimes paid for me when we ate together.

As the year went by, I came to realize that I felt something for her. I had already liked her since the first day of class. As soon as I laid eyes on her, I knew....

It wasn’t that I thought she was the prettiest girl in the class, but she definitely had something special, something that immediately caught my eye, and after all of her attentions and care, that evolved into a different kind of feeling...a romantic kind of feeling, that I was too shy and scared to express.

It came the day when Robin, our friends, Toa and John, and I, ended up discussing our…preferences:

“Ugh, did you see Tiffany isn’t wearing a bra today? Like, your boobs aren’t that great honey…” Toa started, referring to one of our classmates that had opted for a more…hippie-like fashion style in recent weeks.

“Yeah, I mean…it’s okay to want to dress more freely and be against the system or whatever, but I just really don’t think saggy boobs are attractive.” Robin replied.

I couldn’t help but to feel a little bit sad and offended at this part of the conversation, mostly because I never considered my breasts to be firm…I must confess I stopped paying attention for a minute, and it only returned when John very obviously said:

“Jeez, you girls are ruthless. I’m so glad I’m a guy…and gay!”

We all chuckled a bit.

“Really?!, who would have ever thought that, I mean…just look at you.” Toa said sarcastically as she pointed towards him, and moved her hand up and down.

“Well, now you know it honey.”

We all laughed for a bit, and then Toa said:

“Well, I can´t blame you, guys are really good, especially for the nights….”

John faked a surprised gasp and said:

“You w***e!”

I rolled my eyes and giggled, amused at their dialogue.

“Yeah well, you better have saved your biggest gasp for this next piece of information. Girls are the softest AND taste better~.”

John leaned back in his seat and gasped dramatically as he placed the back of his hand over his forehead, like some character in a soap opera. It was the funniest reaction I had ever seen him fake.

The next to talk was Robin:

“Oh, I honestly didn’t know you were bi.”

“Well, now you do.” Said Toa giggling a little as she watched how John was keeping his dramatic pose for a bit too long, taking the funny element away from it. “What about you Robin, do you like girls? guys? both? none?”

Robin giggled and shrugged:

“I would say I’m bi too, I wouldn’t mind dating a girl as long as she’s nice.”

My heart pounded a little bit faster in my chest. All of a sudden, my brain started working faster, and the next seconds felt like an eternity. I couldn’t stop myself from considering the possibility of Robin liking me, or at least, the possibility OF the possibility.

I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn’t. I could picture me and Robin holding hands, sharing the desk like we’ve done so far, but in a more regular basis, and this time, it would mean something different....

I could imagine myself waiting for her after class so she could give me a ride home, or we could go to her place, or somewhere to eat. I could imagine so many things in the few seconds that followed her response.

The bubble of thoughts finally was popped when John asked:

“What about you Nina? Do you like girls too?”

I looked at him confused, my thoughts had taken me a bit too far and I could barely remember I was surrounded by people.

“Huh?” I could feel their eyes on me, and I got nervous.

The happy wishful thoughts of before, dissolved and were replaced for fearful ones. I kept thinking, what would happen if I said that I didn’t really care about gender, that I liked women, men and anything in between; that I didn't care as long as they were good people? Would they keep treating me like they had so far? Would they become distant, especially Robin, in order to not lead me on? What if Robin liked me? And, what if she didn’t? What if she learned the way I looked at her was something a bit more than mere friendly admiration?

I already had an intimate relationship with fear, so once again I chose it:

“Oh…uhm…no I…I’m…straight…” I giggled nervously hoping they couldn’t see beyond my lie.

After that, everything went on normally, except…Robin started dating a guy she met in the gym. And I was okay with it, until he started showing up, even when we all got together for a class project.

It broke my heart a little bit every time I saw him come and hug Robin, but it wasn’t his fault. I had been too much of a chicken to at least tell her I also liked girls. I just endured until I left college by the first half of the next year.

I didn’t leave college because of Robin, or her boyfriend. I left college because I was doing terribly. I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Everyone around me seemed so sure of what they wanted, talked about the major with a passion that I never had, nor felt. It made me sad, and it made me feel like a failure. It also made me feel extremely guilty, as my father was the one paying for my studies, and I hadn’t delivered any positive results.

So, I took a decision, and left. Even when Robin tried to tell me I should stay, that I should be a little more selfish…I couldn’t stay.

And then, after saying goodbye, and hugging everyone, I walked towards the exit.

I looked back, over my shoulder, I wanted to see Robin’s face one last time. Suddenly, the vision of a pair of very dark brown eyes, made me wake up in a panic.