Love you Both, Love me Too

This is wrong, Sela. I steadied my breathing as I turned away from the man briefly, ashamed that I had been waiting so hopefully for his arrival. He was later than usual, and he looked worn down by his day at work at the firehouse next door. The book slipped briefly in my grasp as I turned to hand it to him, and as we both reached for it my brown eyes remained transfixed by his blue ones. The sun was already sinking low on the horizon, and the dim yellow light made the entire building feel otherworldly. I had always thought the building had far too many windows, but the first night I had watched the sunset from the entryway in front of my meager desk, I knew exactly why they had built it that way. Dash cleared his throat as I watched the fading light dance in his eyes, and as he smiled, the wrinkles around them deepened and softened the steely look he normally held I wanted to look at anything in the room but him, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I pushed my curls from my gaze as we held the book at the same time, both of us smiling nervously as the air around us suddenly felt stifling. I felt as if I were standing far too close to him, and so finally let go and moved behind my desk to put some distance between us. "This is the one, huh? My therapist told me it would help, but I ignored her, of course. Thanks for reminding me, Sel." It was a book on dealing with post-traumatic memories, something I knew he and his best friend both needed. They were still in mourning, though each had tried to deny and deal with it in their own separate ways. I had been able to help his other half, and it felt only natural to help him as well. Dash was so quiet and broken, and he swallowed his pain like a burning liquor every time he opened his mouth, that I wanted to help him even if he didn't want to help himself. "This is it. It helped me through a lot. It doesn't try to make you forget what happened, it just makes it easier to live with." I had remembered more about my early life than I had wanted to, but the book had helped me accept it, and then let it all go. I couldn't afford for any new memories to surface. I had just found a place here. A home. He nodded and looked down as he flipped through the pages, and I watched as his soft brown lashes fluttered over his cheeks. His brown hair had been allowed to grow longer than usual, and his leather jacket seemed out of place in the southern heat. He had a solid build beneath the clothing he was wearing, courtesy of his years as a Firefighter in DC. His collar was slightly askew, and I had to stop myself from reaching a hand out and ghosting it over his shoulder to fix it. It would do either of us no good if I started touching him. "How are you doing, Dash? I know you have your therapist to talk to and Thomas of course, but I want you to know I'm here too if you need me." What the hell are you doing? He looked up and smiled softly, watching me for longer than was appropriate, and again I was unable to tear my eyes away. A flush formed on his cheeks, and I watched as his eyes traveled down my body and up again. I wanted to end the conversation and retreat to my apartment above the library, but six o'clock was still hours away and I knew there was no one to cover the front desk if I left. Small town libraries were either insanely active or completely empty from one moment to the next, there was no in-between. "I'm doing OK. It's been nice being here. Beaches are good for a lot, and healing is definitely one of them." I heard a fluttering sound come from somewhere in the stacks, and my heart raced as I turned, certain that my end had finally come. Every shadow behind me felt menacing. Every wall of the small library felt as it if were closing in around me. Nothing was there, of course, just ghosts of a past I couldn't quite remember, and a fear that kept me up night after night as I tried even harder to forget. I turned back to find Dash watching me again, his blue eyes dark with something we both needed to ignore. I wondered what would happen if we didn't, but shook my head slightly as I tried to cleanse the images from my mind. The library was no place to be touched, nor loved. I felt drawn to him, much like how I had been instantly drawn to Thomas, though my fascination with him was a slower and more calculated burn. I realized almost belatedly that I was breathing too fast, and I tried to calm myself before he noticed as well. It had been enough of a risk to allow myself to love Thomas, and he had spent months pursuing me. I loved him more than words could say, and yet... Dash existed, and I couldn't seem to ignore that fact even if my life depended on it. "I can't imagine you ever having to deal with something like this, Sela. You seem so...angelic. Thomas is really lucky to have you. He...he needs you, you know?" I felt a slight chill up my back at his words, but I brushed it away, knowing that I had earned my fair share of trauma in my eventful life. Despite having almost no recollection of my life before I turned twenty, the years after that had nearly destroyed my will to live and made me question every relationship I formed. I feared what being in his life would mean for Thomas, and I worried that my coming, and going would only end up destroying him. Thomas had been patient and kind as he pursued me, and even though I know it can't last I allowed it to happen. I felt guilty, knowing what was coming. I couldn't do it to them both. Dash seemed as if he were waiting for me to say something. Perhaps waiting for me to open up about my relationship with Thomas. We made an odd pairing, he and I, with my need for quietness and peace and...aloneness; whereas Thomas sought out every single face in a room in order to flash his blinding smile at them, loving them all on eye contact before exiting their lives as brilliantly as he had entered. He wasn't a man easily forgotten, which was why I couldn't forget him from the moment I had met him, Dash by his side even on that fateful night months ago. As much as Thomas, Dash had become a presence in my life I had neither expected nor could ignore. I had grown to trust Thomas, more so than anyone I had ever met. Could I trust Dash as much as I wanted to, as well?