Split by Fate

Dirty and bleeding fingertips shake in front of me as I inspect them to make sure I can keep working, desperate to find enough junk to bring back to Lazar before dusk, praying to any god I’ll get a whole ration tonight. Memories whirl through my mind like a hurricane, consuming my every thought until I’m no longer where I was, instead I’m reliving everything that’s happened these last few weeks. Lazar yells at me, hands flying around in animated gestures causing me to flinch on instinct making me internally berate myself for showing him my fear when I see the satisfaction in his eyes as he notices my movement. Taking my half ration, I slink away into the shadows, trying to make my way to my makeshift home unnoticed by the heathens inhabiting this f****d up hell when I feel someone following me and I quicken my steps trying to hide that I noticed them. Rounding the corner, I chance a look back and my heart sinks when I see the man following me within arm’s reach. He must’ve arrived here last night or this morning because I haven’t seen him before this afternoon when he was trading with Lazar. Uneasiness and panic flood me when I see his predatory gaze and manic grin as he inches closer to me. Grabbing my arms, he shoves me against the wall and ignores my struggles as he tries to rip my clothes off. Not again, this will never happen to me again. The thought that filled my mind as rage and hate filled my heart. It all happened so fast. An explosion. Him flying backward into a wall as it shatters, debris falling all around and his unmoving body covered in dust and brick. The shackle tethering me to this hellhole around my ankle falls to the ground in pieces. Shock keeps me in place as I realize what happened, what I did. Confusion and fear tear me apart until I hear the voices from the center of town where Lazar and everyone else is coming from to see what the commotion was. A split decision to leave, to run now that my leash has been cut. And I do. I run for hours in whatever direction was away from the group of people soon to discover the destruction. Then his face fills my mind’s eye and I instinctively suck in a breath at just the memory of him. Waking up under the dying tree where I collapsed when the sun started rising, footsteps off in the distance flood me with adrenaline but before I could run, he was somehow suddenly right in front of me. Tilting his head to the side, he looked at me quizzically, like I was some kind of puzzle to him before the smallest hint of a smile crossed his face. Just the corners of his mouth turning up slightly before he masked his expression to something neutral. Never have I seen such a beautiful man. The moment our eyes meet my breath hitches in my throat at the feeling that hits me in the chest like a boulder. Kinship. Pain. Darkness. Loneliness. Like my own soul staring back at me. I hadn’t even realized I’d truly felt those things inside myself until I saw them in him. His gaze narrows on me and I can’t tell if he sees it too. Then we’re walking. Side by side I follow him, unsure where we’re going but I feel an innate trust in him. I feel safe with him. Like some part of me knows he won’t hurt me and that honestly scares the s**t out of me. But I need to get as far from this place as I can and seeing as I’ve never left before I have no idea where to go. Him offering me food and water doesn’t hurt either. After walking for almost the entire day we arrive at a tavern at the edge of one of the smaller towns that dot the border out of the desert lands. There’s barely anyone here as we sit down at a table. He must see how uncomfortable I am, ordering me food and ale after they bring us water. Before I can protest and explain I can’t pay for anything, he pulls out a pouch of credits and hands them to the woman, looking at me with a gaze that dares me to argue with him. A few sips into my ale, the entire front wall is blown to bits, fractured pieces of the door flying in all directions, and within seconds Saul is throwing himself on top of me with one hand catching our fall on the ground and the other around my waist to hold me back from hitting the floor too hard. Shocked and confused by what just happened all I can do is stare up into his hazel green eyes. Before I can ask what’s going on, he’s jumping off of me and shoving me closer behind the table and against the wall, turning around and calling on his magic. Unable to stamp down my curiosity, I peek around the table to see what’s happening and have to cover my mouth to hide my gasp. Three figures hidden by their white hooded cloaks are fighting him and unbridled rage burns through me at the unfairness of it. Three against one? That’s bullshit. But before I could do anything stupid, I saw why there were three, Saul was kicking their asses and I couldn’t stop myself from internally cheering him on. Another hooded figure steps through the broken wall that’s now to his back and just as my shout of warning comes out, their magic snakes around him and knocks him down. In less than a minute, they found me and hauled me over one of the men’s shoulders while they ran. I heard Saul’s shout before I saw him and he was getting closer to us. Hope bloomed in my chest at the thought of him saving me from whoever the hell these assholes were. As our eyes connected, I reached out to grab his hand and as my skin met his, electricity shot throughout my entire body and judging from his surprised eyes, he felt it too. Those precious few seconds of shock cost us, because the man holding me over his shoulder sped up and in a blink we were shrouded in complete darkness before appearing somewhere completely different. A cold, empty feeling filled me but I didn’t have time to think about it before a group of people wearing white and silver cloaks circled me. Pain shooting into my side pulls me from all of the memories and the emotions from them fade as I refocus on the class I’m supposed to be paying attention to. Turning around to see the source of my pain, I realize my mentor sent a shot of pure magic energy at me. “You’re here to learn about your magic, not daydream and ignore the lessons. We’ve only been here for fifteen minutes now and ten of those minutes you’ve been lost to your own mind.” “Sorry, everything’s just been a little overwhelming recently.” I replied sheepishly, trying not to frustrate Harkson any more than I already have these past few days. “Yes, but you need to learn to control your mind or you’ll never be able to fully control your magic. Your mind and your emotions are part of you, you need to master all of yourself to control your magic but you haven’t made any progress since the first day.” His arrogant and snobby attitude makes me want to strangle him, but instead of giving in to my violent fantasy, I take a few deep breaths and stay silent for a moment. “I’ve been trying,” I finally say, looking for the right words to express my sincerity. “I practice –” “There is no ‘trying’, there is no ‘practice’. You either do something or you don’t. Until you do something, you haven’t done it. So the answer you’re looking for is ‘no, I’ve made no progress’.” I really can’t stand this guy. I’ve only been here a few days and he expects me to pick it up like I’ve been around magic my whole life? Ugh. “Yes, sir.” I grumble as he gets back into his position in front of me, going over the incantations and hand gestures needed to perform certain magic. I already know everything he’s going over because it’s been the same thing every day now and I’ve had it memorized since the first day, it’s just the application of it that I struggle with. The longer I stand there, going through the motions with him, trying to use my magic, and ultimately failing, the more my frustration grows until I’m practically vibrating with anger. Finally being dismissed for today, I make my way to the stream deep in the forest where I’ve been meeting Peryn, another elder whose volunteered to teach me. She’s a lot more pleasant and patient than Harkson thankfully. “Good morning Rowena, have you settled in nicely?” the older woman asks with a kind smile. “Yes, thank you. Compared to my life before this is luxury and I’m very grateful.” My smile is genuine, but still she sees more than I’m willing to show. “What’s wrong then? There’s a darkness in your aura, dear.” Sitting down by the stream, I let out a deep sigh before answering, “It must be left over from my previous lesson. I just can’t –” “Nonsense dear,” She interrupts, sitting down beside me. “There’s nothing you can’t do. It may take time, but you can do anything. I’ve known Harkson for many years and he’s not the most patient man. Between us girls, I have no idea why he’d volunteer to teach you, it’s just not a good position for him.” Leaning closer to me, she whispers the last part in a conspiratorial tone making me smile. “Thank you, I just don’t get it. I know all of the motions and words, but I can’t make my magic do anything.” “Well let’s work on that, shall we?” As we begin the lesson, she calmly talks me through the steps of meditation until my mind is at peace and I’m completely focused on my mind and soul. It takes multiple tries, but eventually I settle into myself. “Continue breathing through your nose, don’t focus on anything or try to find your way around yourself. Stay calm and let your feelings explore your mind and soul, let them flow wherever they want to go. You must become familiar with your inner self because she is your connection to your power.” As I relax my body, letting all of the tension leave my muscles and focus on my breathing, I do as she says. It’s a strange sensation, like I’m inside myself exploring different pathways in my mind and soul, feeling the emotions that fill each new area and even though I don’t see anything, I can almost tell what those feelings are attributed to. Like the feeling paints a fuzzy picture in my mind, but if I focus on it too hard, it goes away so I force myself to stay unfocused and just feel. “As you explore your inner self, letting go and just feeling, create a mental map of where you go and how you feel. Eventually you’ll come across your magic, it feels different for everyone, but you’ll know when you find it. Just let it be for now, mark it on your mental map and continue your journey within yourself.” When she first explained to me what this meditation was like, I kinda expected exploring inside myself would be in the shape of my body or something, but this is so much more than I could have ever imagined. It’s like I’m exploring the universe. Like there’s my very own galaxy inside me. After what felt like an entire year but could only have been an hour at most, I finally felt a strange sensation I can only attribute to my magic. Deep inside my little galaxy, nearing the middle, I feel something akin to a pulse of energy. It’s both warm and cool at the same time, fuzzy and smooth, static and calm. In my mind’s eye, every pulse is a different color from green like moss to blue like I’d imagine the ocean, to purple and finally a shade of red that reminds me of the wine I’d seen some people from this coven drink. Over and over, the pulses cycle through these colors. It’s almost hypnotizing. “I found it.” I whisper, more to myself than Peryn but she hears me and pats my shoulder, letting me linger in this galaxy of my own for a little bit longer, just letting the feeling of my magic fill my senses. Eventually I come back to the present, opening my eyes to see Peryn sitting across from me with a proud smile and I can’t help the warmth that spreads to my cheeks under her gaze. “Does everyone’s mind and soul feel and look like a galaxy in their mind’s eye?” “Yes, we are all connected to our universe. Think of it as a thread connecting us to the rest of the universe, we are each our own thread. A long time ago there were some of us powerful enough to tap into the universe beyond our own thread, feeling all living things – plants, animals, even other people.” The reverence in her voice and sorrow in her eyes when thinking back on the people she described to me makes emotion well up inside me on her behalf. They must’ve been highly regarded. “What, um, what happened to them?” I ask awkwardly, “if you don’t mind me asking of course.” I add hastily, hoping not to upset her. With a kind smile, she explains how that ability has been lost after one magus abused their power, using it to destroy and try to subjugate the covens and even the creatures without magic or different magic. Anger rose in me toward that person for causing so much pain and destruction in the pursuit of power, but before my anger got the best of me, Peryn brought my attention back to the present. “It’s time for dinner, dear. Let’s get to the mess hall before all the food is gone, we’re a little late today.” With a nod, we got up and went the rest of the way in silence as my mind wandered back to the feeling of my magic. Hope blooming inside me at the prospect of being able to bring it out intentionally instead of it just reacting to danger and panic. With a tray full of food I search for an empty table, wanting to eat quickly in a peaceful silence before going back to my living quarters. That hope was quickly dashed when Aksai, Talon, and Theo surround me carrying their own trays, asking me to sit with them. Ever since they brought me in, they’ve been trying to make me feel welcome, especially since Talon had to carry me over his shoulder. For the first few days I kept to myself, but I feel bad pushing them away, they seem nice enough. “How did your training go today?” Talon asks as we sit at one of the smaller round tables to eat. “It was good, meditating helped a lot, I’ve made a lot of progress with that.” “Are you ready to start fight training tomorrow?” Aksai asks, her eyes glittering with excitement. “Oh come on, not every likes to fight like you, Ax.” Theo teases, unaware how much I enjoy fight training. At least that’s something I’m familiar with. “I’m more than ready, I can’t wait to see what weapons I’ll be training with in the later half of the day. I’m great with a quarter staff and daggers, but I’m looking forward to expanding my weapons range.” I smile at her, chuckling when I see Talon and Theo looking at me with surprise. “That’s my girl!” Aksai exclaims, pumping her fist into the air. “My favorite weapons are sword and energy gun. Have you ever used an energy gun before?” “No, I haven’t even seen one before. What’re they like?” I couldn’t keep the excitement and interest out of my voice if I tried, I love learning about all kinds of weapons. “It’s amazing! When you’re holding it, you let your magic flow into it and then pull the trigger and it condenses the energy, shooting it with so much force that it causes a lot of damage. Depending on where you hit someone, you could kill them instantly. It comes in handy dealing with the raids on the smaller towns.” “Yeah, I can’t wait to use mine on that monster Saul the next time I see him. I would’ve loved to have taken him out last time, but our objective was to get you and get out as fast as possible. Next time though, I’ll get him, don’t you worry. He’ll never lay another hand on you.” Talon says with a slight growl in his tone. Being a caster and wolf shifter hybrid, he has a harder time controlling his wolf when he gets angry. I get it, but still… the thought of Saul getting hurt makes me uneasy. They’ve told me who he is, the awful things he’s done, but my brain just can’t combine the Saul I’d met with the one they’ve told me about. After dinner, they invite me to hang out for a bit, but I need to be alone and try to work through my thoughts and emotions for the billionth time. Being around so many people is still so new to me and it’s exhausting, and my thoughts drifting back to Saul every now and then doesn’t help. I can’t imagine how any of them would react if they knew I didn’t hate him. ------ Concentrating on the sweat dripping off the tip of my nose, I push through the fire in my muscles, exceeding my last record of how many push ups I can do. Since being here, eating properly and sleeping as soundly as I can with my nightmares, not to mention the showers, I’ve gained weight and muscle mass. My cheeks are slowly filling out, my bones aren’t sticking out anymore, it’s great. When I look at my reflection I no longer feel ashamed of my appearance. I look normal, healthy even. Turning on the shower, I quickly undress and step into the scorching water. The heat helps my muscles relax and the slight burn helps keep my thoughts reigned in. Since I’ve got no where to go for the rest of the night, I take my time washing my hair and body, and enjoy shaving my legs for the third time ever. I never had a reason to worry about shaving before, never had the opportunity either, but now that I can it just makes me happy. I don’t know how to explain why, but it makes me feel happier – more like my own person in a way. When the water starts to cool down, I step out of the stall and wrap a towel around myself while I sit on my bed and dry my hair with a smaller towel before brushing it out. I never paid much attention to my hair before either, always just tying it up on my head to keep it out of my eyes, but now that I don’t have to always keep it up and I can wash it whenever I want, I found I really enjoy brushing and braiding my hair. My hair hasn’t been cut in years, I don’t remember how old I was exactly when a girl a few years older than me cut half of my hair off because she was angry and thought my hair was prettier than hers. I didn’t understand what she meant by that back then, hair was just a nuisance most of the time, completely useless. Now though, I think my hair is pretty too. I haven’t seen anyone else with red hair like me before, and I’ve been told the blood red shade I have is even more rare. When I was stuck with Lazar I hated it, desperately wanting to stay unnoticed by anyone and everyone, but now that I’m free, I’m starting to love it. I’m starting to love a lot about myself. Braiding my butt-length hair was difficult at first, but now that I’m used to the motions, I sleep with a braid every night. Tying the end of my hair with a strip of leather, I dress in my grey sleep shorts and tank top before lying down, hoping to have a peaceful, dreamless sleep. In only a few short moments, my heavy lids close and darkness consumes me. The clear blue sky so bright I have to shield my eyes and the manicured grass and bushes catch my eye first, then the faces surrounding me. Aksai, Theo, and Talon surround me with one other person – Jade, the woman who knocked Saul down by sneaking up on him like a coward. I remember this. This is where we landed after going through the portal. “Do you know where you are and why you’re here?” Jade asks, her face a mask of neutrality but her voice betrays her dislike of me or maybe having to bring me here, I’m not entirely sure. “No, I don’t know either.” I told her, looking back and forth between all four of them. “This is the Silver Spirit Coven –” “But most just call it Spirit Coven for short.” Talon interrupted Jade, smiling kindly at me. “You’re here because we felt your power ripple and needed to bring you here before the Eternal Aether Coven –” “Aether Coven for short.” Talon interrupted again, winking playfully at me as Jade glared at him again. “Before they got hold of you. The man you were with, Saul, is training to be their leader. He’s more of a monster than most of them –” “And that’s saying something. They’re all disgusting excuses for life.” Aksai grumbled this time, cutting off Jade. “But he didn’t seem awful…” I said, feeling the need to defend him for some reason. “Probably just to lure you in. They’re murderers and monsters, only caring about power. Life means nothing to them.” Talon spat, his hatred for them thickening the air around us with it’s power. Deciding to leave it be in hopes they’d drop it, I just nodded and kept quiet. As the memory fades, a familiar room appears before me. Sadness spreading through my chest at the sight of my old ‘home’, what was left of a destroyed magi-ship from the old war. Little more than a roof and three walls, I’d collected a cot and whatever else I could find from other ship ruins. My most valued possessions were the old sheets of paper I’d find sometimes in what used to be meeting rooms I guess, and the pencils or pens I’d find. Drawing was one of the only things that helped me cope with that life. Drawing and fight training kept me alive. Movement in the corner of my eye draws my attention. Spinning around, what I see freezes me in place. No, not what I see, who I see. Slowly walking around and studying everything in here from the holes in the walls and roof to my cot and ratty blanket and my drawings, Saul slowly turns to me with that same quizzical gaze like he just can’t figure out the pieces of the puzzle that is me. “Why would I dream of you being here?” I ask myself aloud, not expecting him to answer me. “This is your dream?” he asks, like he’s surprised I spoke. “I guess that would make sense as I’ve never been in this place before. Is this your home?” “I, uh, yeah. Well, it used to be.” The words stumble clumsily out of my mouth and I turn around, trying to get a grip on myself. “Calm down, this is just a dream. Your dream, Row, you control it. This is probably just because you’re curious about this guy and your subconscious is trying to help you cope with it.” I mumble to myself, cracking my knuckles and fiddling with my fingers when they’re all cracked. “That would be a smart guess, a logical one. Except I’m not a figment of your subconscious. I’m really here. However that may be.” “What do you mean you’re really here? What is going on? I fell asleep… I was dreaming… or technically remembering? I don’t know, my dream was of a memory and now… what the hell is going on?” “Calm down,” walking to me in two long strides, he lightly grips my shoulders before moving one hand between us, lifting my chin with his thumb and forefinger so I’m looking up at him. “don’t have a panic attack or anything. Everything is fine. If I had to guess I’d say we’re dreamwalking.” His tone is surprisingly soft and his grip on me gentle. It takes a few seconds for me to snap out of the trance his close proximity put me under. “What is dreamwalking?” My voice comes out weaker than I’d wanted, clearing my throat I push through, “have you ever done this before?” “Dreamwalking is what it sounds like, connecting with someone while you both are sleeping. But no, I’ve never done it before. It hasn’t been done in centuries, no ones had this gift since before the Great War.” “Then how are you doing this now?” Panic fills me, dreading what his answer will probably be. “I’m not the one doing this. You are.” “But I’ve never done this before. I don’t even know how to, I can barely even use my magic at all. And why would I even link our dreams? I barely know you. I barely know anyone, really.” Feeling awkward, I turn my face away from him, looking at anything else. “That, I’m not sure of. My guess would be, like you said a few minutes ago, you’re curious about me.” I didn’t even have to look at him, I could hear the smirk at his last four words. But when I do look back up at him, I’m not prepared for the way his eyes glitter with… mirth? Happiness? I can’t exactly tell, but at least it’s something good. “So, what would you like to know?” “I, what?” “What would you like to know about me? To help ease your curiosity.” He explains, trying to suppress the grin that’s pulling the corners of his mouth up. Rubbing the back of my neck, I pace around the room and he calmly walks over to sit on my cot. It’s kind of incredible how he can sit on something so dingy and look like he’s on a throne. Shaking those kinds of thoughts from my mind, I think about what I’d ask him and then I remember what Jade and Talon said about him… “I, uh…” letting out a deep breath, I sit on the cot a few inches away, resting my knee on the edge so I can face him. “Ja – the Spirit coven said you’re a monster… why would they say that?” Silently begging the universe that he doesn’t hear the hope in my voice that they’re wrong, I swallow even though my mouth is dry, forcing myself to meet his eyes. So many emotions flash across his face, I could only catch surprise, hurt, and anger before he schooled his expression into a mask of neutrality. For some reason, it hurt me that he closed himself off so suddenly. But I pushed those feelings down and reminded myself I don’t know this man and there’s no reason I should care so much. “I may be a monster, but so are they. None of us are innocent in this war. Just because I don’t hide from my actions and I own the monster in me doesn’t mean they aren’t as bad as or even worse than me.” His already deep voice gets even deeper as he talks, so much hatred and vitriol aimed at them and from what I’ve seen of them, I can’t understand why. Peryn is the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. Aksai, Theo, and Talon are kind, even if they were the assholes who kidn*pped me. Deciding to change the subject, I remember something that’s been bugging me since I’d gotten taken to the Spirit Coven. “What was that spark of energy when I grabbed your hand when they were taking me?” The anger fell from his face as he thought about it, his finger rapidly tapping his thigh. “I’m not sure, to be honest. I’ve been researching it, but I haven’t found anything about it yet.” “Do you think us being able to dreamwalk has anything to do with it?”