Broken Brothers In Love

Chapter 2: Addiction

June 2021

 Taylor

My parents and the rest of my siblings went to a festival downtown. I casually asked mom who else came with them. When she said they left William alone, I saw it as perfect timing to talk with him. If we would shout or destroy some stuff, or whatever, nobody would know. I prepared myself for a confrontation, because I was determined to make him open up with me more. 

My heart skipped a bit when I saw his car in the driveway. I pulled my car beside his and nervously went out of my car. I did not bother using the doorbell, I used to live here two weeks ago after all, so I thought he wouldn’t mind. I hurriedly went upstairs aiming at his room, our room.

 “Goddddd!”

 “Huh?” Who’s that!? I clearly heard the feminine voice from his room, my sweat turned to small marbles on my forehead.

 “Mmmm, faster, come on baby..." My stomach churned. That was William’s voice for sure. And what were they doing?

 “Oh yeah, that’s it…” I heard my little brother’s voice again. There was something familiar on the way he hissed, it was as if….

 What was that?! Are they…

 It felt like I was going against a giant monster, chasing after it trying to fight fear. I was literally shaking. My hands got sweatier, and my heart was slamming into my chest as I inched closer to the slightly opened door. I didn't know why I decided to be a prying sneak that time….

 “Tay…”

 My eyes opened.

 “Honey, are you okay?” Lyrette was sitting on our bed, frowning at me.

 I looked at her confused. Those dreams again. How could I be completely over him when my unconscious self couldn’t do so?

 “I’m fine, Ly. Just a dream.” I grinned at her forcefully.

 She pressed her palms on my forehead like I was a child. “You sure, you’re ok?”

 “I feel much better now.” I stared at her intently which did the trick.

 Grinning back, “you told me to wake you up at seven, breakfast is ready.” She then shrugged off her shoulders and went downstairs.

 I let the curtain of pretense down once Lyrette’s out of my view. I lazily sat on our bed wondering how I was able to live the rest of my 22 years of existence. I spaced out for a minute or two before I got up and mindlessly brushed my rumpled hair with my fingers. 

I should have been celebrating every day of my life, living the dream. The American Dream as they called it. 

if only I was that normal rockstar type of guy. 

But no, I was not.

A bitter smirk crossed my face as I went under the shower. Office hours and band practice, back to reality after a few days of vacation.

I was lucky to be the lead vocalist of a popular band called Pyro. Our band was composed of four guys who started vlogging original songs on YouTube. We were hometown friends, both with talent of playing musical instruments and in singing, blessed with supportive parents who gave us the courage to perform and used YouTube as our platform. 

It was not much of a big deal in the beginning, but when views started dramatically increasing and income came pouring in with left and right offers, we started seeing our band as a career. A way to release our thoughts and feelings, and a way to make a living. It was the best kind of work. We travelled, we sang to thousands of audiences, we had tv guestings, concerts, interviews, and a lot of touring. 

Girls screamed my name like they were having strong orgasms they couldn’t hide. But as girls tried to win me over, I was f*****g obsessed at hiding and depriving myself to an addiction. More specifically, addiction to a person. It could have been a normal kind of thing to be infatuated with someone; young folks like me could be in a trap like that. But to my younger brother who was 11 years old at that time? Yeah, right. It was f*****g insane!

 Judge me all you want. But if the subject of your addiction was also your constant company, being so cute, kind, and clingy at times, and eventually as hot as my brother, you might be in a bigger mess than I was in right now.

 It all started when I was 14 years old. We were trying to record the vlog of our first composed song which sent us skyrocketing to fame. Back in the days when no one knew that we would be as popular as we were in that era.

 We were resting and bantering about some random stuff with our bandmates, Bane and Zord, when I felt a warm squishy tad in my chest. I was staring blankly at his cute tooth gap as he smiled like the crazy goofy kid that he was. I didn’t pay too much attention to how I’d loved the way he looked when he smiled like that.

 I thought it was normal to adore him the way I did, he was my little brother after all. So I’d let myself get too mushy for his random requests whenever he needed my fair attention. I’d let myself miss him when he was not around playing with his other friends or when he wouldn’t let me dislodge him from playing his video games so I’d just join him in. I thought it was okay to materialize his image before I slept or whenever I spaced out and he was not around.

 I didn’t know I was getting sick in the head. And it was too late to go back to a normal state when I realized that my feelings went overboard.

 It was so wrong! But the more I suppressed it, the more I longed for some relief.

 His antics, his high pitched voice, his smile that melted the hell out of me every damn time drew me to him without him knowing it. I was hopelessly devoted like a love-struck puppy, with the I-will-do-anything-you-ask-of-me kind of loyalty.

Before I even realized it, I was m**********g every night thinking of his plump lips, voice, and crack of laughter, drumming face, and his everything. His simple touch could easily melt a fortress I built around me in a split of a second. So I kept on rebuilding and rebuilding my guards up as if I had the strength to erase this feeling. But after many years, I was still the same.

The sad thought almost moistened the side of my eyes. At the same time, I wanted to laugh at myself at how gay it felt. Damn, how long has it been? I was a married man with a two year old kid, and luckily still at the prime of my career. Our band had been through a lot, we were over a bad chapter and currently creating better ones in our path. Nothing in this world should make me this empty. Oh, those damn memories.

I looked at myself in the mirror. When I met Lyrette, I thought I could be free. But my attraction towards her was nothing like I had felt for my little brother. 

The pain in my chest forced me to blow in the insides of my mouth, expanding my cheeks to chubby ones. I repeated the process until I fooled myself that the pain subsided.

After picking up my cell phone, I walked downstairs in a relaxed manner. I went through the same routine of eating with my family, kissing my son and wife goodbye, as I tried to push back the thought that it would be another day of facing this inner battle. Especially this day, when I didn’t see him for almost a week and I was being girly again for missing him like an obsessed fanatic admirer.

William Trent Lander. My younger brother. The drummer of our band. Was still an addiction of this guy driving nervously as if picking up a prom date.

I didn’t know which was better. Not being able to experience at all or having been there and enjoyed it for some time but be deprived all of a sudden. Because I missed it so bad. My addiction instead of being cured just got me more into it.

When we got together, things went too far between us and I thought there was no stopping us until I got Lyrette pregnant. Her news of having her womb with my unborn child served as a pail of ice cold water poured over my head.

God had intervened finally for us to stop. I knew it. Something had to happen for us to stop. And the night of my drunkenness with my girlfriend paved the way for that change. 

If I’d continue my relationship with him, what would that make me? And what would that make him? My brother couldn’t be someone like a f*****g mistress, he couldn’t have a secret love affair with me forever. I couldn’t afford to think that he would be my lover for the rest of our lives and would just be waiting for a free time and some stolen moments with me.

When we got together, he was dating this girl we toured with as our opening act, but he broke up with her when we got together. I told him it was ok with me, having a normal relationship would help us cover up what we had. But he broke up with her, anyway. He said it was difficult to maintain a long distance relationship, but I knew him too well. He was not interested in her anymore. And nobody seemed to interest him at all after that. He dated a few girls, but it was just because he knew it would be odd for him not to date at all. I had never felt him giving commitment to someone but to me.

But William deserved more than what we had. He deserved to have his own family and go home to someone he’d be proud to be with. And that would not be me.

So I told him. He withdrew; I reached out, but Ended up being pushed away. Well, I couldn't blame him though.

Breaking up with him was the hardest decision I had ever made in my entire existence. It had felt like I was tearing my heart in two, or more accurately, it had felt like someone was hammering my heart without a rest. I wanted to pound my chest so hard as we spoke thinking that the pain might cease by doing it.

When I had told him that Lyrette’s pregnant, the pain in his eyes was crystal clear. I had watched in close proximity how those emotions reflected in his eyes, while his parted lips quivered and eventually formed a thin line before he walked away.

Weeks and months passed by.

When William had started dating almost all the girls he could get, his ice cold treatment became warmer little by little. Until it occurred to me that what we had was probably pushed back so deep in his head that it was so easy for him to act as if nothing like that ever happened between us. William would sometimes nudge my side like a normal brother, he would put his warm arms around my shoulders in a filial kind of way.

Sometimes, I would wonder if he had amnesia, if such medical conditions were even real. Sometimes, I even doubted myself for having those memories. Because maybe I wanted him so much that I created those images in my head of us together, so vividly that I thought were real.

But damn, they were real. His calloused fingers wrapping around me teasingly at first then would move up and down there as if his life depended on it until I came all spent yet wanting for more could never be illusions. His soft lips which tasted mine, sometimes tenderly, but most of the time hungrily could never be mistaken for imagination. What we had in the past was real. But that reality was now in the past that we both knew must stay buried in the past.

Instead of targeting my desk, my eyes automatically looked for him when I entered the office. Seeing his car on the driveway made me as twitterpated as f**k. 

“You’re late.” He stood up, walked purposefully towards me.

“Hey.” I lamely replied as I walked up to my table, ignoring to check on him further. I didn't want to be drowning into William’s “oh-my-god-bod” as early as this morning, thank you very much.

“Bane and Zord are  already in the studio.” He said pointing at the hallway to the studio.

“Uhhm, sorry I didn’t reply to you the other night.” I matter-of-factly said as I tried searching for something to grab in my drawer just to make me look occupied to anything but him. “I was doing some serious daddy duties.”

He propped himself on the side of my table giving me a closer view of his perfection. “Ah yeah, I thought you were asleep, it was late, anyway.” I should have just gone straight in the studio!

“I thought you’d like to come with me at Wade’s, I was in for a night of drunkenness, Zord was with Melissa and Bane’s being Bane again.” He cheekily said. Wade’s was one of his places. He would walk in there alone at times and would go out with a few people in tow.

“I couldn’t come. Lyrette wanted some quality time together. She once accused me jokingly that I do touring as an excuse. It’s a joke but I know it is half truth for her.”

“I take it, the half truth was not true. It was the complete truth.” He said teasingly.

“Not when you still believe that there are four of us deciding for the band.” I was defensive for some reason, though I shouldn’t be.

“Of course, we have our own reasons. Yours is yours.”

I was not sure where the conversation was heading. I didn’t want to overthink things when the focus of us going back to our hometown was to finalize the outcome of the live recording we did in Australia and talk about the final leg of our tour. So I shrugged off my shoulders. I walked into the hall having sweaty under arms even though it was not really hot and damn, as early as now?

He walked silently behind me and I could feel his body heat at my back.

I should get used to it. These stupid feelings I kept for years. But yes and no. God, he was becoming more beautiful. He was like a flower blooming and attracting hungry bees. I mean, gay bees. Ok, girls, too. Damn, there were many of us. He cut his hair short through the course of time alright, but hey, it only provided more view of his perfection. His cleft chin alone drove me crazy.

Addiction to drugs and alcohol I believe could be cured. But being gay and head over heels in love with your brother? How could I remove that in my system? It was not a physical thing that I could simply avoid, he was my damn brother, the drummer of the band, supposedly my bestie, you know, attached to my hip and to Bane’s and Zord’s hips for many reasons. The four of us are best friends who happened to be in a popular rock band when we were young. 

So I really could not avoid this f*****g addiction.

Bane was the lead guitarist, Zord was our bassist, William the drummer, and me the rhythm and the lead vocalist as well. Zord was comically playing along and Bane was already riffing like crazy in the studio, guitar sounds screeching in the air which managed to divert my thoughts somehow. They both grinned when he saw us enter the room. Well, I remembered that we planned to do some remixes of our songs for our shows in the upcoming tour. We planned to continue doing some covers, too, including a song by U2.

I went to get my guitar and played along with my bandmates. I could also see William at the corner of my eyes going to his drum kit with his poor drumsticks for the day. I got a bit distracted, but I just concentrated on the song. 

My heart really wanted to watch him play his drums. I loved to watch him get sweaty and to watch him smirk and pout lazily as he played, but my mind got stronger and it always won. As much as I could, even though I could hear him singing with me, even though I could feel him look at me at times, I never looked back. I pretended to be lost in every song we played and I thought that tactic was a bit effective.

Our band practice went well as far as the music was concerned. I felt refreshed somehow. Music also helped me a lot to feel better. Playing without even thinking of the notes, just letting my hands follow my heart could be related to what I always did. I just played along to what people expected from me.

I went excitedly to my car eager to get away from my lingering perverted thoughts while my little brother was playing the drums and singing in harmony with me. Musically speaking, the band practice was awesome, but William’s sweaty body, swagging all around, and beating the drums was not healthy for me at all. 

I closed my eyes and tried to shake those thoughts away, but instead of thinking about something else, the taste of his lips, the smell of him conquered my silent quest. I wondered how he kissed those girls. I wondered if it was the same as the way he kissed me. I hoped not, because I wanted that kiss to be ours alone. But I would never know that, I would never feel those lips again.

“Hey Tay, excited to go home much?” I jumped at his voice, I didn’t realize I was spacing out again while staring at my car keys.

“Well, where else should I go?” In your strong arms and hot embrace? No way, man. I opened the door of my car and hopped in.

He followed and stood between my car door and the front seat. “So, you and Lyrette do not have any plans yet?” His eyes boring into mine. He lowered his head and placed his right arm on the roof of my car. His t-shirt was pulled upwards a bit, so I was able to see a small portion of his stomach. I remembered how he loved it when I kiss him there and then when I went lower….. I immediately darted my eyes to his. But a big lump in my throat was already choking me. 

“Plans? What plan?” I swallowed loudly, I hoped he did not hear it.

His brown eyes bored into mine, seeking my deepest thoughts. He was like that when he was about to kiss me. William got that smoldering gaze. Sadly, what he said next erased my fantasies. “Well, you barely made it on your anniversary, I thought you guys would take a short vacation or something.”

“Oh!” I almost forgot about that. Because we’re so busy promoting our new album, me and Lyrette just decided to simply dine out. We both planned to go somewhere for a short while, but at the rate things were going, I wondered when that day would come, it might took us longer for the promotion. Our tasks had been doubled since we also became the CEOs of our own record company. Good thing we were able to go back here in our hometown, but definitely we had to leave in a couple of weeks. If some plans would push through, we might have to leave earlier.

“Oh that! We don’t have a plan for anything more yet.” Why on earth was he talking about our anniversary?”

“But I plan to take her out to dinner tonight again.” I shrugged mindlessly. 

He seemed to be thinking of something while he watched me as I spoke, and then his phone rang. 

He lazily pulled his cell phone in his pocket and seeing the caller ID, his eyes rolled. He answered it anyway. 

“Hey.” Paused.

The person on the other line seemed to say something funny because it made him smile. “We’re done for today, so how are you? Is it really ok? I thought you’re not gonna call.” Paused.

His smile grew wider and he looked at me with sparkling eyes, I raised my eyebrows knowingly and nodded. Holymother!

He closed the door of my car and walked away. I watched him as he opened his car door and hopped in happily. He started his engine and went off. So with an aching heart, I started the engine of my car, breathed heavily before pressing my foot on the fuel pedal. 

I should get used to it. Nothing should be able to hurt me anymore because the daily dose of thinking of how much I missed him should be enough to numb me. But damn, I wanted his smile, I wanted him to look at me with the smile of a goddamn lover. Those three long years never changed my state of addiction, if it did, it only got worse.