Secrets

You better listen to what I have to say

Roger's POV

Freddie quickly stops and gets up, but of course Brian already saw what was going on. I want to put my pants back on, but then I realize that they're upstairs. How nice. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Brian gasps. His jaw drops.

'Roger? Freddie? What the f**k!? Oh my god...' He storms out of the house. I'm in shock. I don't know what to do.

'Shit.' Is all I can say.

'I second that.' Freddie says.

'What the f**k are we gonna do Freddie? He f*****g saw us.' I'm panicking. I'm cursing myself for thinking it would be a good idea if we all had keys to each other's houses. We basically already live together so...

'Yes, I'm well aware of that. We'll have to try and explain, and hope he understands.' Freddie seems to be freaking out a little less than I am. But you never know with him, he's really good at hiding his emotions.

'f**k. I didn't even tell him I'm bi yet! You think he went back to the studio?'

'I don't know. Then he'd have to tell Deaky what he saw...'

'Oh I swear to God, if he does that...' I want to cry. I'm scared to death they'll never accept this. It's wrong to hook up with a bandmate. It's wrong to hook up with your best friend... and I know it. But I wanted Freddie so bad and I was so drunk... it wasn't Freddie's fault though. I won't blame him for anything. All he did was exist. That was enough to make me want him.

We quickly run upstairs and get dressed. I don't have any other clothes so I have to wear the gross ass sweaty s**t I wore yesterday again. How nice. This day is getting better and better.

'Are we gonna go to the studio? To see if he's there?' Freddie casually asks. I'm getting annoyed. He acts as if everything is fine. Like, oh, I f****d a bandmate who you thought was straight and you walked in while I was giving him a blowjob. No big deal.

'Yeah...so...what are we gonna say to him?'

'Uhh...that it was a drunk mistake.' A drunk mistake? f**k. I should've known. He doesn't even really like me. But I like him... I'm silent. And trying really hard not to cry. I can't swallow the lump in my throat, it's like I just dry-swallowed a huge pill. 

But...if it was a drunk mistake, why did he start sucking my d**k while I was on the phone with Dominique? We're not drunk now. Just f*****g dead. And even if you're drunk, you wouldn't f**k your best friend right...

We get in my car and race to the studio. I can almost hear my heartbeat and I'm trying to breathe properly cuz otherwise I'll throw up. It's not really working. It feels like I'm hyperventilating. We're silent the whole ride and it's f*****g awkward.  When we arrive at the studio after what feels like a thousand years I see Brians car in front of it. I really hope he didn't tell John though...

I take a deep breath before opening the door.

'There you guys are! Why the f**k are you so late? Brian won't say a thing...' Deaky says. Thank God. Brian is sitting at the table in a corner of the studio, sipping on a cup of tea with a deep frown.

'Hangover...' I mumble. John frowns.

'That's not everything...is it?' Jeez, sometimes it's like John is psychic. I look at Freddie, who's standing next to me. He gives me a little smile.

'Tell them.' He whispers. I feel like I'm gonna throw up again. John, Freddie and I all sit down at the table Brian is sitting at. I take a shaky breath. I wish this day could be over already. I'm scared to death, but I'm just gonna say it.

'So uh...I'm...bisexual...' I almost whisper. I look down at my hands on the table. John laughs a little.

'Roger? You're joking, right?' I look at him. When he sees the expression om my face his grin fades. 'Oh you're serious... oh my God why did you never tell? You knew we weren't gonna judge you right?' God, I love John. Brian is still silent though, staring into his cup of tea.

'I just...wanted to be normal I guess...' That sounds so f*****g silly. I look at Freddie. He smirks. Just seeing him hurts f*****g bad. I don't want last night to be a drunk mistake. I want it to be real. I want to do it again.

'Rog honey, you can be whatever you want to be and you choose normal? That's f*****g boring.' He says. Now I can't help but to smirk too. He's right.

'I agree.' Deaky says. 'Brian, did you already know this or something?' Brian looks at John.

'Kind of...' Uhg Brian please don't say anything. Please.

'Kind of?' John raises an eyebrow. My heart starts racing again. Freddie and I quickly glance at each other, both f*****g nervous.

'John, Freddie was sucking Rogers dick.' No no no no no no no. 'And they probably f****d too.' He looks at me and Freddie like we're the most disgusting things he's ever seen. Johns jaw drops and he gasps.

'They what!?' He yells.

'Oh my God! We were f*****g drunk! It was a mistake!' Freddie yells back.

'So you don't deny it? You f****d him?' Brian says, in a scary calm way. I feel like I've just been killed, but with words. The vomit is already coming up. I run to the toilets, slam the door of the cubicle and throw up what feels like all of my organs. Somewhere deep down I'm a little proud that I told the secret I've kept for so many years. But then I had to fall in love with Freddie. And then Brian had to walk in and discover our secret. And then he decided everyone should know. He should've kept his f*****g mouth shut. I can hear people yelling at each other, probably Freddie and Brian. Oh my God, more vomit. How am I still throwing up, all my insides came out already. Apparently there's still something in me.

'Rog? Are you okay?' f**k, it's Freddie.

'Do I sound okay?' I answer, with a cracky voice. I'm almost suffocating in my own vomit. Freddie is silent. 'Please go away...' I don't want to talk to him. Or anyone. I need to be alone. When I'm finally done throwing up I get out of the cubicle and flush my mouth with water.

'Roger...please...' I look at Freddie. He looks desperate.

'What? There's nothing to talk about.'

'How the f**k could you?' It's Brian, he runs into the toilets and looks furious. Scary almost. 'Roger, it's totally okay that you're bi, but you guys f*****g mad!? You could've f*****g anyone, but you choose each other.' Doesn't he get that even I can f**k someone not just because I'm horny.

'Brian I already told you, we were f*****g drunk!' Freddie almost screams.

'It doesn't matter how f*****g drunk you were! You just don't f**k a bandmate!' He's right. But I'm so in love with Freddie. I regret that it happened and I wish it was just s*x. It was that for Freddie. But not for me. 'And Roger, don't you have a f*****g GIRLFRIEND!?' f**k. Dominique. How the f**k am I gonna explain why I didn't come home last night? If she finds out about me and Freddie...

'Why do you think all of this is so wrong? If Roger and I want to f**k, you should let me! What is your problem!?' Oh my God, I love how Freddie always says whatever he wants.

'What if the press finds out!?' Is that seriously his only argument?

'So what? I don't think people I don't even know should be controlling my s*x life. I'm done here.' He storms out. Brian sighs loudly.

'Jesus Christ, f*****g child...' he mumbles. John walks in. It's a f*****g toilet party here.

'Are you guys done fighting?'

'John what the f**k! Why do you think all of this is okay!?' I get an angry glance from Brian before he looks at John again. I'm done with Brian talking as if I'm not there.

'Brian, why the f**k don't you just mind your own life!? The press will never find out cuz Freddie doesn't even like me and it will never happen again!' I scream. Brian gasps and faces me. His face looks a little less angry and scary.

'Freddie doesn't like you? But you do like him?' Maybe I'm crazy, but I swear I can see tears in his eyes. I'm not gonna answer his question though, he can f**k off. First, he's f*****g angry and now suddenly he's interested or something. I walk out of the studio and leave Deaky and Brian behind. As soon as I'm alone in my car the tears start to fall. I f****d up so f*****g bad. I fell in love with my best friend, who doesn't even like me back, we f****d which he apparently regrets and on top of all that I have a f*****g girlfriend. I bury my face in my hands and scream. How can I ever face Freddie again? I confessed that I like him, I really hope he doesn't remember. I should've never told him. How could I be so stupid? After a few minutes or crying I try to get my s**t together. I have to deal with Dominique now. She's probably gonna break up with me right away though. I would, if I was her. I left her without telling where I was going, stayed away all night and when she called I was moaning into the phone like crazy and then hung up because... you know... I don't even wanna think about it.

I arrive at my and Dominiques house. I have to do it now. I have to break up with her. She'll hate me forever. I would hate me too if I was her. I'm a f*****g asshole. I have no idea where I'm gonna go after it though, I know she's gonna throw me out. I can't go to Freddie, Brian is not an option either...maybe John will let me stay at his house. It feels like I lost everyone I love the last 24 hours.

Just like yesterday, I take a deep breath before I open the front door.

'Dominique?' I softly say. No reaction. Then I see her walking down the stairs. Her jaw clenched tightly, her arms crossed and an incredibly furious look in her eyes. f**k. She now stands in front of me.

'Wild night?' She coldly asks.

'Dominique please, I'm so sorry for leaving, I went to Freddie and...' she cuts me off.

'Oh spare me your lies! I know what you and Freddie did, I've seen the way you look at him and that f*****g phone call made it clear.' I feel like I'm dying. She guessed it. She guessed it right. 'Aren't you gonna deny it!?' If eyes could kill... she doesn't seem upset at all, only f*****g angry. She's even scarier than Brian.

'Please listen to me! I... I...' I need to tell her why I left, that I like Freddie, that I wanted to break up with her...

'You what!? Tell me f*****g coward!' I don't think anyone has ever been this mad at me. It's an awful feeling. But I deserve it.

'I... I like Freddie. In a romantic way.' Did I really just say that. I look at her.

'Wow, really? As if I not already noticed!'

'And if you really want to know, I was going to break up with you last night, but I didn't want to hurt you! I love you Dominique, but not in a romantic way anymore...' I want to cry again. I'm so f*****g weak. I'm the one who's wrong here. I'm the one breaking up with her. She should be sad, not me. I look into her eyes, but don't see a single tear.

'Roger, if you love your little Freddie, you better listen to what I have to say.'