Secrets

If only they knew

Freddie's POV

I feel like I'm dying. What is Roger doing? He obviously didn't tell Dominique about us. It feels like someone gave me what I want most, made me believe it would last forever and then took it away from me. And then the look in Dominique's eyes, it's she's saying 'I've got what you want so badly', but if she knows what happened why didn't she throw Roger out of the house? Why would Roger stay with her!? He said he was gonna break up with her, he said he wanted me. This makes no sense at all. They're still snogging, it's like Roger wants to make sure I know he'd never leave his sweet little girlfriend for me. I look in a different direction. The lump in my throat is too big to swallow, I can't stop the tears that are welling up in my eyes from falling down. I try to breathe deeply and slowly, but it feels like I'm suffocating. I wipe my eyes and look at Brian and Deaky. Brian still has a grumpy poker-face, but with a little frown. John looks just as confused as I am.

'Ummm okay. Guess Roger's making his choice clear...' Brian says. He has no idea how much he hurt me by saying that.

'What the fuck...?' John says, with a deep frown.

'I second that...' I manage to say before I run out of the studio. I can't watch that one person I so desperately want snog someone else for one more second. I'm so f*****g weak, running from my problems again. I hate Roger. But I love him. 

As soon as I get home I run upstairs, bury my head into one of the pillows on my bed and then cry and scream until I have no tears left and no energy to cry anymore. My heart has just been ripped in two. For a moment I really thought he liked me. How could I be so stupid, I should've known this would have a bad ending.

Roger's POV

I want to push her away so badly. I hate her, snogging me right in front of Freddie. It feels like she's using me. I feel disgusting. I want Freddie, not her. But there's nothing I can do. Somehow the psycho b***h found out about something Freddie will hate me for forever if If he finds out about it. So I have to stay with Dominique for my own and Freddie's sake. If I hadn't been so stupid, I could have been with him right now. He just ran out, which proves that he actually likes me. It feels like my heart has just been ripped in two. But maybe if the whole Kashmira thing never happened Dominique would've found another way to blackmail me. Apparently she's quite good at that and it's scaring me. The sweet girl I knew turned into hell itself in one day. She finally removes her lips from mine. Maybe I deserve this after what I did and the effects it had. 

Brian and Deaky both have deep frowns, but they say nothing. They probably think I didn't tell Dominique about me and Freddie because I want her. I only they knew...

'Jesus, somebody's jealous...' Dominique says with a grin while looking at the door Freddie just stormed through. As if she doesn't want Freddie to be jealous. It's exactly her goal to get him jealous.

'Hmm..' I mumble. I have to pretend I want to be with Dominique, even when my whole body is aching for Freddie. I want to run after him and let him f**k me like yesterday night. John raises an eyebrow at me, as if he's saying 'does she know?' I don't react. Then the deep frown appears again.

'You guys don't look too happy this morning...is it okay if I stay in the studio today?' Dominique says with a bright smile. The smile I used to love but now hate.

'Yeah sure.' Brian says with a tiny smile, he's probably relieved I 'chose' Dominique, since he got so angry yesterday.

'Roger, I need to talk to you...' Deaky says with a deep voice.

'Sure.' I'm relieved I can finally be in a different room than Dominique for a minute. John closes the door, so Brian and Dom can't hear us talk.

'What the f**k?' He hisses. 'Yesterday you so desperately wanted Freddie and today you're snogging your girlfriend right in front of his face? Can you explain!?'

'Shhh, keep your voice down. I can't tell you John, it's too complicated.'

'Than at least tell Freddie, he has the right to know.' I want to tell John that Dominique is blackmailing me so badly, but then I'd have to tell him the thing she's blackmailing me with as well. And that's no option.

'You don't get it, John! I can't. I'm done talking with you.' I swing the door open before he can say anything else, and walk back into the room Brian and Dominique are in. I put on a fake smile.

'Ugh, someone needs to go get Freddie, we can't work without him...' Brian says. I give him an angry glance.

'I'll go...' I say. I'm not allowed to do anything with him, but I am allowed to talk to him right?

'Roger!' Dominique hisses. I ignore her. I want to be alone with Freddie so bad. I walk to Freddie's house, while I try to calm my nerves.

'Freddie?' I softly say as I enter his house. No reaction. I know that this is probably not a good idea at all, spending time with him alone will only make me want him more. He's probably just as confused as I was yesterday when the psycho b***h forced me to stay with her cuz she 'loves' me too much.

'Freddie' I say, a little louder this time. Still no reaction.

'Where the f**k are you...' I mumble to myself as I walk upstairs. I find Freddie is his bedroom, laying in his bed with his back facing me. I let out a stroke of breath and walk towards him. I sit on the bed. Freddies hair is covering his face. 

'Freddie...' I whisper as I swipe some hair out of his face. He turns around and stares at me. His eyes are red and puffy. He slightly frowns.

'Am I dreaming?' He asks. I giggle.

'No... are you high or something?' He looks normal, except like he just cried. But with Freddie, you never know anything for sure. Everything about him is one big secret. That's why I like him.

'Than go away.' He turns around again.

'Freddie, you have to come back to the studio. We can't get much done without you.' I try to convince him. I know it's probably not gonna work, if Freddie doesn't want to do something he won't do it.

'Why the f**k did you even come to my house?' He sits up in the bed with tears in his eyes. 'Roger what is this!? I thought you meant it when you said you wanted me and was gonna break up with Dominique! We f****d! And now you're kissing you're little girlfriend right in front of me like nothing ever happened between us...' f**k. I have to fight tears too now. How am I ever gonna try to explain all this s**t to him? How am I gonna explain that I want him, but can't be with him? I'm no way telling him the whole truth. I'd rather have a heartbroken Freddie than a Freddie who hates me. He loves his sister so much... I swallow.

'Freddie, please don't I...'

'Please don't!? At least explain to me!' He has a desperate look in his eyes. And so have I. For a moment I don't care, I almost tell him everything. I hate seeing him like this, hurt. I'd do anything to make him less confused. But I can't tell him, I'm too weak. And even if I did, Dominique said something 'terrible' will happen to Freddie if I leave her for him. I still didn't figure out of that was a desperate, or serious threat. I don't want to, but I think she's capable of that last thing. She changed so much the past 24 hours...

'I...changed my mind. I just...want to be with...Dominique.' I force the words out of my mouth. I want to cry. I want to scream. I never lied so much in two sentences. I want to hold Freddie close and tell him I hate Dominique and want to be with him.

'Get out.' Freddie says with a bitter voice, as he stares straight into my eyes. I don't move. 'GET OUT!'

'Freddie, you have to...'

'I have to do nothing except make you leave as fast as possible before I do something I'll regret later.' One lonely tear runs down his face. I'm a monster. I caused all of this. I hate myself. I stand up from the bed.

'It's okay if you hate me, but please come to the studio...' I try, one last time.

'Roger! How can you even suggest that!? I can't watch you and that b***h lick each other off all day.' He buries his face in his hands. 'Go away Roger. You drive me crazy.' He says, with a little voice. He sounds so sad and hurt. I do as I'm asked and walk out of the room as I mumble 'I'm sorry.' As soon as I'm out of his house I silently start crying. I'm so desperately in love with him, it's almost pathetic. I wipe my tears away and decide I'll cry later. I still feel like one of those women on their period who just cry for a week straight. I start walking back to the studio. Ugh, Brian will probably be pissed as f**k at Freddie for not coming with me. Why can't he just shut his face and get over it? Brian, I mean.

. . .

'What do you mean he's not coming?' Brian asks with a frown.

'I know, he'd so childish...' I say as I roll my eyes. Of course, I didn't mean any of that. And Dominique knows it, but I need Brian and John to believe me. I sit on a chair next to Dominique.

'Jesus Christ, we didn't get anything done yesterday too, he needs to come.' Brian says.

'Believe me, I've tried everything. But you know Freddie, if he doesn't want to do something he won't do it.' I reply. Brian and John both sigh loudly.

'Maybe I can talk some sense into him..' Deaky says as he stands up. I raise an eyebrow at him. He knows something is wrong and I will kill him if he tells Freddie. John just gives me a dark stare and walks out. He's mostly kind of quiet and shy, but he can be really angry and shady if someone pisses him off.

'Whatever, I'm making coffee.' Brian says as he walks over to the little kitchen in the studio. Than Dominique turns to me.

'Don't think I won't find out if anything at all happens between you and Freddie. If you go somewhere without telling me where you're going, I'll assume you were with him. And I will tell him everything.' She whispers. I roll my eyes and sigh.

'What are you gonna do? Ground me? You don't own me.'

'I don't own you? Watch how fast you'll lose everyone if you and Freddie ever do more than just talking again.' I swallow.

'What if I tell Freddie myself?'

'Too bad, but I'll find another way to make you stay away from him.' She clenches her jaw together.

'Like what?' She has me wrapped around her finger and I hate it.

'Stop asking me questions, Roger.'

'Like what?' I hiss.

'You'll find out. And believe me, you don't want to.' I sigh and grab one of her hands. I know there must be some part of the sweet Dominique I knew left. And I'm desperate.

'Why are you doing this? I always thought you were the sweetest girl, but you turned into the devil himself in one day.' I frown and stare into her eyes. They still look cold. Maybe if I'm honest and I stop arguing with her she'll stop this madness. 'I really did love you Dominique, but I can't help that I fell in love with someone else...' there are tears in her eyes now. Thank God, some part of her is still human.

'Don't you get it, Roger? I can't let you go. I can't... I'm...' she takes a shaky breath and looks down at her lap. 'I just can't.' I notice she's squeezing my hand very hard, like she needs to stop me from running away and not coming back.

'Why the f**k not? You're a selfish b***h Dominique.' I pull my hand back. I decide I'm not gonna torture myself and Freddie like this any longer. She can't control my life. I need to talk to Kashmira.

. . .

I told Dominique that I'm gonna get some groceries. She even believed me. But I'm going to Kashmira. I haven't seen her since everything happened, which is over a year ago now. I felt too guilty, especially after her suicide attempt. She hates me so much. Probably more than Freddie will if I'd tell him. I'm planning to and I'm gonna try if Kashmira is okay with it. I doubt that. Freddie did come back to the studio, by the way, I don't know what John did but it worked. Freddie and I didn't say a word to each other all day, he only gave me some glances. And of course every time he looked at me or Dominique, she would touch me or play with my hair or kiss me... anything to rub the fact that she has me and not him in his face. And she was loving every second of it. Kashmira's house is not that far away, so after ten minutes I'm already there. My heart is racing. It's gonna be a miracle if she even opens the door. I gather some strength and ring the bell. The door opens. It's Kashmira. She doesn't look too bad for someone who tried to kill herself a few months ago.

'Kashmira... is Felix home? I need to talk to you.' She just stares at me with a very angry look on her face.

'How dare you show up at my house after all this time!' She exclaims. 'I'm pregnant and I'm not gonna let you ruin everything again.'