Secrets

His eyes are open

Roger's POV

I gasp.

'No! Freddie!' I scream, chocking in emotion. 

'Freddie...' I start having a panic attack. It's been years and years since the last time I had one. I begin to sweat, I'm dizzy and nauseous, my heart is going crazy... I feel like I'm dying myself. I bury my head in hands and try to breathe properly. I'm literally chocking in emotions now.

'Nononononononono...' I sob loudly. 'Freddie..' I whimper. I squeeze his hand to try to somehow bring him back to life.

He's dead.

He's actually dead.

And I never told him how much I'm in love with him.

I gasp for breath, but I can't breathe. I'm shaking. I'm terrified.  Then I hear someone else in the room loudly gasp and then cough. But I'm alone, right? I wipe my eyes because my tears are blinding me, and look around.

It's Freddie.

His eyes are open.

I close my eyes and keep crying. My mind is playing tricks on me. Is hallucination something that can be brought on by a panic attack? Freddie just died, he can't suddenly be alive again. But I can clearly hear the little beep from the heart monitor again.

'Freddie?' I carefully ask. He looks at me without saying anything and weakly squeezes my hand.

'You're not real.' I whisper. 'Go away.' I let go of his hand and stand up from my chair, still convinced my mind is just going crazy.

'Rog, hey, calm down.' He softly says. His voice gives me shivers down my spine, that's how real it sounds. I hesitatingly look into his eyes, trying to get proof that this is fake. But those eyes can't be something my mind just made up. They're Freddie's eyes.

'Freddie..' I cry out. He tries to lift up his head, but loudly moans and lets it fall back onto his pillow.

'Jesus fuck...hurts...come here, Rog.' I immediately climb onto his bed and lay on my side so that I'm facing him.

'But...you flat-lined.' I softly sob, as I'm stroking his hair with my still shaking hand. I can finally breathe again. Even with a bruised face, he's still gorgeous. It's unbelievable. 

'I'm here now. I came back for you.' He whispers. He slowly turns his head so that he faces me. I feel my stomach flutter when those dark eyes stare into mine. I want to tell him how madly I'm in love with him, but I can't. There's nothing worse than loving someone you can't have. I clear my throat.

'You 'came back'? From where?' I ask.

'It doesn't matter...'

'No, tell me.' Now I surely want to know. 

'I don't know...just...I'm too tired to explain.' He closes his eyes.

'Of course, baby.' His eyes fly open.

'Did you just call me baby?' He says, while grinning. I blush. I kind of said it before I realized.

'Yes I did, baby.' I smirk. If he didn't just have a car accident, I would beg him to f**k the s**t out of me right now. He bites his lip.

'Don't give me that look, Rogie.'

'What look?' I innocently ask.

'Like you want me to f**k the s**t out of you.' Jesus Christ. We only had s*x twice, how can he already know what that look means?

'But I do...' I whisper as I shut my eyes, because just looking at him drives me absolutely crazy. Even when he's in this state. He giggles.

'I would, but I just almost died so I don't think...' He starts. I cover my face with my hands.

'Oh shut up!'

'You shut up! I look like s**t anyway...'

'You have no idea how f*****g gorgeous you are....' I whisper. And I mean it. You know that incredibly happy feeling you have when you're around the person you're so crazy in love with? It's amazing. And it makes me feel like a 14-year-old boy.

We just stare at each other for a moment, it's not awkward or anything, I just enjoy looking at him.

'Don't ever die again Freddie, promise me. ' A lump forms in my throat.

'I promise...' I watch his lips move, and my heart instantly begins to beat a bit faster.

'I have to call Bri and Deaky and Kashmira..' I get up.

'No, no, don't please. I just want to be alone with you...' He quickly says.

'But they still think...' He cuts me off.

'It doesn't matter. Just stay.' I lay back down and start stroking his hair again.

'Hey Rog?' His voice sounds a little shaky.

'Hmm?'

'What...are we?' He whispers, barely noticeable. f**k. I was hoping he wouldn't bring this up, because it's too painful to love someone so much, but having to pretend to love someone else.  I could pretend I don't know what he's talking about, but I do. And Freddie knows.

'W-what do you mean?' I try. He sighs.

'Come on Roger, you know what I mean.'

'We'll...we'll talk about it later. Not now, you need to rest.' I say. He grunts.

'Rest my ass. I'm tired of lying in this bed.'

'You've been awake for like...only ten minutes.' Of course Freddie, he never has the patience to just relax, he always wants to do things and he gets bored really quick. Maybe that's why he's never had a long-term relationship... 

'I'm gonna call the others.' I say. Freddie sighs. I get up from the bed and walk into the corridor, to look for a phone. I call Kashmira first.

'Hey, it's Roger.' I hear her sigh.

'What is it?' She coldly asks. She still hates me.

'Freddie woke up.' I smile to myself as I hear her reaction. She gasps.

'Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'll be there as fast as I can!' She screams.

'Kash, wait. There's something you need to know.'

'What?' Her voice immediately sounds scared and anxious. 

'Well...Freddie flat-lined. But somehow he woke up only moments later. And he...I don't know. I feel like he's hiding something. Like something happened but, he won't tell me.'

'Oh my f*****g God...he flat-lined?' Her voice sounds shaky.

'Yes...' I whisper. 'Do you...believe in NDE's?' (A/N NDE=near death experience)

'I don't know...why? Do you think he had one or something?'

'I think it might be...a possibility. Maybe you can talk to him? Maybe he trusts you more me, so perhaps he'll tell you.'

'Hmm...yeah, maybe. I'll be there as soon as possible.'

Then she hangs up. I call Brian and John too. They both have kind of the same reaction as Kashmira, only a little less loud. I also tell them Freddie flat-lined. Brian immediately says NDE's are bullshit and it was just a miracle he woke up, John is a little more open to the idea that it might have been an NDE.  I walk back to Freddie's room and just sit on a chair for now, I don't want Brian or John to find me in his bed.

'I wish you could've heard Kashmira's reaction, she screamed so f*****g loud.' I giggle. Freddie grins.

'Is she gonna be here soon?'

'She's on her way right now, probably going over the speed limit. And so are Brian and John.' Right at that moment Kashmira storms into the room. She drove a 15-minute drive in 5 minutes.

'Freddie...' she whispers, as she runs towards him and hugs him tightly, trying not to hurt him. 'I was so scared Freddie, don't ever do that again. Please, I can't live without my big brother...' she softly sobs. Freddie strokes her back. 

'It's okay Kash, I'm here now..' I feel a pang of guilt and sadness. Their bond is so strong, Freddie would never forgive me for what I did. Kashmira was right. For a moment I thought maybe there would be a chance he'd forgive me, but now that I see them like this I know that that's not true. 

'Promise me one thing, Kash.' Freddie says.

'Hmm? What?' 

'Don't ever drive that fast again, you could get an accident yourself.' Freddie grins.

'Sorry...' Kashmira rolls her eyes and giggles. 

Soon Brian and John arrive as well, storming into the room together and hugging Freddie tightly. 

'You motherfucker, you scared the s**t out of me.' Brain giggles, with tears in his eyes. 

'You can't just die Freddie, what the f**k would become of Queen without you?' John says, while grinning. Freddie smiles at them. Even though his face is bruised as f**k, he's still glowing. Like he's bathing is positive energy. I've never seen him so beautiful. After a while Kash, Bri and Deaky all leave. I wait until they're all out of the room so that I can have one more moment alone with Freddie. I just can't get enough of him. 

'Thank you so much for not dying.' I grin. 

'Even heaven isn't a nice place without you and Bri and Deaky and Kash...' He reaches his hand out to me. I take it in mine. Again, I feel shivers down my spine as soon as I touch him. 

'I should leave you alone now. You need to sleep.' I softly say, and then start walking towards the door.

'No! Don't go Rog. I'm...scared...' I turn around and see Freddie looking at me with big eyes. He looks like he could burst into tears at any moment.

'What? Why are you scared?' I ask.

'Just...this room. I hate it. It makes me feel worse than I already do. I don't want to be alone here...' He whimpers. I hesitate for a second, but then decide I'd much rather stay here with Freddie than go home to Dominique. I carefully lay down in Freddie's bed again, making sure I'm not touching any of the things attached to him.

'Thank you...' He whispers. I'd do anything for you, I think, but I don't say it.

'Freddie?'

'Hmm?'

'Just because I can't be with you doesn't mean I don't want to.' 

Oh my God. Did I actually just say that? I don't know if that's good or bad, but I had to say something. What if something happens to Freddie again and I never told him how I really feel? I'd regret that forever.

Freddie doesn't respond, he just lays his hand on mine. His touch almost feels magical. 

After a while, I have no idea how long exactly, I start to get really sleepy. I can't spoon Freddie since he's in too much pain to move, so I just snuggle up beside him, still holding his hand. I bury my face in his hair that's lying beside him on his pillow, and thank God he's still alive over and over again. Soon we both drift off to sleep.