365 More Days...

Wes sat in the beige-tinted room in discomfort. The anxiety that's been clawing her insides seemed to burn every second the clocked ticked towards another. Meeting Ms. Slein was the last thing she wanted to do today especially since the spectacle of last year. Wes shook her head in an attempt to silence the echoing event that seemed to haunt her every day. She grabbed the small metal box in the left breast pocket of her blazer instinctively, the thoughts that plagued her mind always made her reach for it. The constant beating of her heart was the only comfort she had in the vividly dull room. She stared at the door hoping for a second that Ms. Slein was locked in the room without a key so she could leave and avoid her intense grey eyes. I'll just lie she thought as she gently grazed the metal box that held her whole existence. The door slowly opened and Wes looks towards the space that allured her. A black heel appeared in her line of vision, disturbing the mental battle she had with the dark shadow, and Wes's heart seemed to seize. The white scar that ran on the tall woman's ivory shin almost made her gag. She unconsciously grabbed her left hand and looked up, immediately making eye contact with Ms. Slein. She didn't speak for a moment letting herself absorb the ghost of the fading scar. it was the reason Ms. Slein wore the skirt in the first place because the sooner she confronts her issues the more open she will be. Wes knew children like her, 'they always needed to be thrown in the fire before they can ask for water or that's what her mother told her at least. "Wes?" Ms. Slein says slowly letting the words settle in the air before signaling for her to come in. Wes stayed in her seat for a while before hesitantly following the mysterious woman. She stood at the front of the door and a wave of nostalgia hit and vibrated through the building like an earthquake and Wes stumbled back when she heard a familiar scream. She knew the voice wasn't real, it never really was so she ignored it and ran through the door almost like she was afraid walking through it would bring the voice again. Mr. Slein's room looked different than before. The entire room looked the same but the atmosphere seemed almost sacred like it held so many secrets it just had to evolve. We didn't like that, she didn't like that she felt safe. It held too many secrets for her to feel this way, it made her feel like there was a lot to say. A lot she had to say but didn't want to. She quickly looked for something tangible in the room that didn't make her feel safe, that didn't make her feel warm. Her eyes scanned the room and finally settled on Mr. Slein's eyes and she smiled. The smile was almost invisible but she knew Dr. Slein could see it but for the first time in years she didn't mind because it wasn't a summer smile, no this smile showed her the person Wes was a year ago,' the old her'. The person across from her didn't seem fazed at all while Wes took time to sit on the red single couch in front of her. The pain of having to come to see this woman seemed to fade slowly as she relaxed into the chair and her anxiety leveled. Ms. Slein crossed her ankles and pulled out her notepad, setting it on the armrest of her chair. After a moment she looked towards Wes and smiled. "So Wes let's begin." She says, the monotone voice seemed to play on Wes's head as she stared at the scar. Every part of her wanted to grab the metal box but she knew Ms. Slein would notice so instead she took a deep breath in feeling the metal against her breast and even though it wasn't the same she felt reassured. "Yeah," Wes whispered before clearing her voice. Shuffling in the chair she grabbed the tip of her skirt and pinched it between her fingers. "How was school?" Ms. Slein asked, leaning forward "It was school." She replied releasing the cloth unconsciously "And home?" "Fine," Wes said and avoiding Ms. Slein's eyes and looking towards the window on her left. There were blue skies but something about today felt different for her. There was a sense of numbing like the air stood still and everything was waiting. Everyone was waiting. She ignored the feeling but the more closer to the end of the school day came the more numb she felt. "Wes, we can't waste your parent's money by sitting here and talking about nothing." Her voice at that very second was very annoying to Wes. She hoped Ms. Slein understood that she didn't want to talk about anything with her. That everything was different than before now after the whole fiasco a few months ago. "It's not parents anymore," Wes whispers giving in to the older woman's logic. Ms. Slein looked intrigued and leaned forward, placing her notebook on her lap and looking directly at Wes. "What's that supposed to mean?" She asked slowly "They broke up so..." the knot in her throat tightened a little more and she pulled on her tie thinking it's the only way the feeling was going to go away. She was kidding herself and the cynical part of her knew it. "How do u feel about it?" The words hung in the air like vacuums that sucked the air out of Wes's lungs. She hated that question, she hated it because it was Ms. Slein telling her that she had to feel something about it and to not ignore whatever turmoil is darkening the cloud in her head. "Like she could just disappear. Like the moment they ended things that she would never exist anymore and I wouldn't remember her and so won't anyone else." The thoughts escaped her mouth and she felt betrayed by herself. She promised herself that she wouldn't put herself in a vulnerable position with Ms. Slein anymore. Anyone but her, she thought as the scream that haunted her life rang in her ears but it was gone as quick as it came. It didn't make her forget when it left though so she grabbed onto her thighs pretty tight. Her dirty nails dug into her milky skin. Ms. Slein noticed it but decided not to say anything, instead, Wes saw her gaze move to her blazer and she knew exactly what she was looking for. Wes's entire body wanted to grab onto the little box tightly but instead, she changed her position on the couch, laying on it with her tiny feet dangling on the armrest of it. She stared at the wooden door that was built a few feet away from her in need. She knew all she had to do was to roll off the chair and walk two maybe three large steps and she would have escaped. "Why do you think she should disappear?" Ms. Slein asked and Wes's focus turned to her. "She's gone." Wes wanted to put it as plainly as possible but the two-letter sentence she used seemed to make the answer more complicated so she tried again, "I mean gone as in she left not dead. What's the point of remembering someone who stays for a fracture of your life?" Like always the woman across her didn't answer the question instead she kept eye contact with Wes almost like she was looking for something. This wasn't new but it still unraveled whatever sanity Wes had left. She rolled her eyes and looked at the wall behind Ms. Slein in annoyance. Always asking the questions and never having answers, Wes's impatience grew as she stared at the wall across her. The grey paint was still intact and there wasn't a hair out of place, it made her laugh. "What's so funny?" "Nothing, to be honest, I just felt like laughing." Wes shrugged and an image of a kid flashed in her head replacing Ms. Slein. She knew the kid, she also wished she didn't so she blinked and it was gone. She was used to it, she knew the tricks now and she knew how to outsmart her brain. "Still have that crush on that boy in school?" The middle-aged woman said and leaned her body towards the right of her couch. The deja vu was almost uncanny. She shook her head with a smile on her face. "Nope." She popped the 'p's and sat up. "Why?" Wes smiled as she remembered a particular boy's face. It was a memory, it was so old it looked like it was fading. The brown-skinned boy with the amazing haircut and most perfect smile had looked at her for the first time that day. She held that mental image for years and every day she could feel it getting old and black and white, just like the feelings she had. "He wants to save the world that destroyed me." The room went deadly silent. The only noise was Wes's legs thumping against the expensive chair. She could already see the scowl on her mother's face but the picture was blurry. "How did the world destroy you?" Her voice was softer this time. She treaded into a fragile place in Wes's opinion. This wasn't a place traveled at all and she didn't get that yet even after everything they went through together. "Like how it destroys every other person." She answers. "And your friends?" "What about them?" The pain in Wes's voice was evident to Ms. Slein. "How are they?" "They...they are like teenagers, happy one day not so much the next." Wes sighs "You do that a lot." Ms. Slein says her eyes changed being an icy grey but instead a curious silver. It was Wes's favorite thing about her that she would always tell her the truth or at least what she feels she can tell. "What?" "You secluded yourself from them like their issues are different." "Because they are." "I know but it seems like your issues aren't teenage ones." "Well, not every teenager wants to take a blade and cut her skin when life kicks her in the ass." Wes pointed out as she pulled her sleeve up revealing darkening scars on her arm. " the worst issue they have is smoking weed before a test and hoping they still nail it. Not saying that I don't value some of the real issues they have but that's not what I see." "Maybe they are great at pretending like you." The motherly tone appeared as quickly as it disappeared but Wes couldn't ignore it. Wes smiled and looked towards the floor hoping Ms. Slein didn't see the pain in them. It's been a long since someone talked to her like that; like she mattered to someone as a kid. No one in her life treated her like that, her father talked to her like she was his best friend. Her friends talked to her like she was their therapist and the rest of her family saw a piece of fragile China just ready to break. "I wish they showed me." "Who?" Ms. Slein asked "My friends. I wished they showed me the hurt." "If they showed you, would you show them?" The question felt double-edged to Wes. There was so much hanging on that question. It wasn't a matter of if she would but if she wanted to. "Probably not." Wes's chuckle startled her as well. The very sound felt unfamiliar and Ms. Slein could see by the uncomfortable shuffle just moments after. "Why not?" "Because somewhere down the line the weight of my selfishness would weigh on them and I could lose them." "Selfishness?" "Yeah, I could always grieve like a normal person. As my family and yet I chose not to." Her body tensed as the past four years flashed in her head "instead I take a blade and cut my skin or physically bring pain to myself because I'm not strong enough to deal with the fact that when she died, the only person who loved me died." Wes's eyes shut as she tried to remember her mom's face but the only picture that came out was a light-skinned blurry woman with short hair. Every year the pictures blurred just a little bit more and every time she looked at a picture of her all she could see was a woman who she couldn't remember. "What about your dad?" The question made Wes feel guilty as she thought about the man waiting outside the building. "He loves me, I'm sure he does but I'm always holding him at a distance like I'm scared he'll replace her." "I don't think anyone can replace your mother, Wes." "I know that but it still doesn't stop me from thinking of it." Wes could tell that the frustration in her voice surprised the doctor. Wes's mother has always been a touchy subject for everyone around her. It was something she didn't want to tip-toe around but she knew that's the only way people would say anything. It was the thing that frustrated her the most. A small bell rang as the tension from Wes's outburst reached a small sizzle almost disappearing immediately as the bell rang for the fourth time. Ms. Slein slowly stood up from her chair and straightened out her skirt while Wes sat in the same position as if not having the intention to move. After a silent minute, if the bell ringing and Ms. Slein staring at Wes, the short teenager finally stood up and stalked towards the room exist not once sparing a glance at the doctor. "I'll see you tomorrow?" The question didn't seem rhetorical like Ms. Slein didn't demand seeing Wes anymore and her eyes turned towards the scar on the woman's leg. This has changed since the last couple of months, everyone could feel it and so Wes nodded and cautiously walked away like the ground would sink if she took the wrong step.