Equation

√1 = 1.00

❝ Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war. - Unknown❞

Some might say it started with failure, others would lean on to the theory of getting to know your crush's best friend. But all this while, the only thing that weaves and relates it all together into the finest silk would be the fact that it had been an equation - from day one - the day the first addition took place. Which slowly crept into multiplications and squares, until one day, it all vanished into the roots of our lives.

It was an equation which had no answer, because in reality, it's all in our heads - it's just us trying to fathom the existence of the world.

Nevertheless, it was our equation - us trying to fathom the reason of why our hearts fluttered everytime we were together.

• • •

Heartbeats around thumped in a bedlam, fingers were chewed between lips and legs shuffled beneath the chairs. But for me, it was all quiet from within. I held my head high, craning my neck from time to time to see the teacher on the slightly raised platform up front, distributing answer scripts. Apart from a few mistakes, I was confident of me acing the examination like I usually did. It was something I was expected to do well in, and I looked forward to stand up to that.

My sweaty palms came together of their own accord, rubbing themselves, as I felt my roll call inch closer. Just as soon as Mrs. Deck called my name, I pushed back my chair and maintaining a normal face, blinked my eyes a couple of times to veil the excitement forming up my face. A few stares were thrown my way as I made across towards Mrs. Deck - some grinned uncannily to themselves, others muttered something under their breath.

With hands united below my waist in the most appropriate conduct, I walked the last couple of steps and curved my lips in a slight smile.

Mrs. Deck looked up from her thick reamed spectacles after reading the name on the paper and cleared her throat before shuffling through the stack of papers. I stood straight and still, taming my pulse and licking my lips apprehensively. The first blow to my confidence was when she offered me a disappointed nod and did not even acknowledge my presence like she usually did. Immediately, she thrust the paper into my hands and called out for the next student.

Stumped by the sudden change of her behavior, I turned around and the first thing I did was to flip for the first page of the answer sheet.

That was when horror struck me at what I saw and I could feel my leg dig deep into the ground. After what was in front of me, there was a desperate feeling for it to be true - that the ground below me should split open and swallow me in.

"Hey C!" I heard someone call out, and only one person called me by that name - Jason. But I was far too consumed in the blow I had received to look at his direction. "How much? I've just managed to pass." A laugh followed the sentence and then, something more had been added, but it all fell into deaf ears.

I felt a sting of panic pierce through my body. This could not be real. There had to be some misunderstanding. I flipped through the pages, counting every mark, confirming every answer, proofreading every word I had written.

I was at default.

Everything I had ever done was reduced to ashes for that one paper I did not pay attention to; for that one day I thought to stand up and do something for myself and what I suffered. But it turned out that everything has a price, and that to gain, you must face the pain.

"Congratulations," Mrs. Deck announced once all the papers were given out, "Derek Fanning for scoring the highest."

I heard the class gasp at the sudden change of the academic ladder. Half of the stares were directed towards me, and even when I did not want to face those, I could still sense that from my bowed down head; the other half slapped Derek on the back, who had been smiling like winning an Olympic medal.

"Claire," Jason called out again.

I offered no reply, no wriggle. I was not even sure if it was my head playing with me with a stream of dizziness radiating through my skull.

"Claire," he repeated, a shade of concern and seriousness dripping from his tone.

"Uh?" I snapped back immediately, bending back in my seat, and looked around.

"What happened?"

"I -" I tried to speak but a lump started to rise in my throat, making me feel nauseous and silent. I would've given up then and there, breaking down to bits if it was not for Jason. The test meant so much for me and my future, but everything shattered to pieces in just one hit. It was hard to take in.

I felt Jason wait, placing a hand at my shoulder.

"I failed," I forced out of my lips, slowly with much difficulty and involuntary heavy breaths made its way through. My eyes diverted back to the red stain on the paper in my hands and a shudder passed all through my body, almost paralyzing me by the spine. "I failed," I repeated and shoved my head in my palms.

Jason bent forward, his eyes widened in bafflement. "Wha - what?" He turned his body and gaze completely towards me, his grip still firm at my shoulders. "It's fine that you did not stand first this time. I'm sure you'll do better next time."

With the already fuming anger inside of me, I had no idea, how and when the next words crawled out of my lips before I had the chance to withdraw them:

"You don't know what it is. I've failed Jason! Do you even know what it feels like to me? You're always failing -" I stopped. That pained even more. I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath of air, unable to figure out my next words.

Like everytime he understood me so well, Jason blinked and squeezed my hands which were wet with tears. His mere touch helped me get through biggest of obstacles. Every time.

The period bell rang and he pulled me out of the class, not even giving me a moment to prepare myself. But I should've known it all too well - he would never let me break down in front of the whole class. He knew how much I hated the attention and the embarrassment that followed.

Once out, we climbed the low wall and sat in silence - my head resting on Jason's shoulders and his fingers making way through my hair.

"It'll be fine," Jason tried to reassure me, while I let out a myriad of snivels and sobs. "Tell Jane that I'll be coming over for dinner tonight. We'll have things sorted out, okay?"

I did not speak a word but simply nodded my head lightly, wiping back my tears to fit further into Jason's arms.

"Jason, this is not good," I said in a distorted voice, my hands still wrapped around Jason. "Me failing was never an option. I can't afford failing." Somewhere where I told him that and he patted my back, I cried some more and continued. "I don't know what I should do."

"Nothing," Jason replied simply. "You will do nothing. You will sit back, watch a detective movie, sip some orange juice and then we'll think about it tomorrow. Okay?"

Even with the knowledge of his words being not even close to reality, I nodded. It must have been a few minutes of the clock when we heard footsteps coming for us. Jason and I turned ourselves back to look up, almost blinded by the sun's shine spreading through the cloudless sky.

"Jason. Claire," the voice said as it advanced closer and the face became visible.

"Sophie," Jason greeted, pulling her down to brush a slight kiss on her lips.

"Hey Soph." I pulled myself away and swung my feet dangling from the wall to faked a smile for her which I should've known would not have any inch of an effect on her.

"What happened, Claire?" Sophie had sensed it. After receiving no reply from my side, she turned her gaze to Jason who remained silent as well.

Licking my lips, I parted with them, knowing that it was good to share now than let her know it from the word of mouth. Though in the process, I felt as if I would almost pass out speaking those words again, but mustering the courage, I said, "I uh, failed."

I glanced over to see her reaction, which was somewhere between shock and disbelief. She looked over to Jason for confirmation, who had been playing with a hem on his shirt to avoid any eye contact. And immediately, she knew it was true.

"Claire," she started after much thought. "I don't know how this happened. But, we all know you're so much better than this. You must've just failed to express because we know that you know everything."

Pausing a little, Soph continued. "Well, weren't you the one who taught us those derivations and formulae, and those little tricks?" She played with her fingers in air, while attempting to make me laugh. "Cheer up!"

I smiled. Albeit any amount of words could not help me now, somehow under the warm presence of Jason and the soothing words of Sophie, I found myself drifting to comfort.

The next few classes went smooth, busy pens being scratched across sheets, lips moving in a constant phase of questions and answers. From time to time, Jason and Soph kept on their mission of not letting me slip to what they liked to call, a special case of depression. Jason would pull up his gross pranks and Soph would then hit him for being so disgusting. Overall, I could say that they were successful in their goals because even with the cloud of self-doubt hovering above me all through-out the day, they were the sunshine to cast a rainbow for me.

When school ended, we all parted our ways.

When I had boarded a bus for my way back home, suddenly the thought crawled back to me and no matter how much I tried to push it away, think of all the pretty words that had been offered to me in school, it was all in vain.

While I had been busy struggling with myself, I felt a bump on my shoulder as someone sat on the seat beside me. It was a harder hit than the usual one received in public transportation. Rubbing my arm, I turned to the person beside me, ready to rant out my already built-up frustration at that moment.

But I received an all-total different approach.

"Hey." The person waved his hand. I just looked at him, without a reaction, and am sure my expression read out a blank page. "You know me right?" he asked, narrowing his eyes to slit.

Gaining control of the lost me, I finally let out a slight laugh. "Of course, Damien. We're in the same class," I answered, matter-of-factly and shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah," he answered, and rubbed the back of his neck with his fingers. "But you always have your nose under a book and surrounded with those two - three friends of yours all the time, so..." he trailed off.

"Not all the time," I protested.

"Oh yeah, you do. You have no idea."

"Um, no." I rolled my eyes in thought of a come-back, but came up with the worst one anyone could gather. "I sit alone, for the first."

"No you don't," he replied instantly. "Brooke sits with you."

"Not for the English class," I reminded him at the same pace, chuckling to myself.

"Whoa, you've got so much time to yourself and for the people outside of your tiny sphere," he said, followed by a sardonic laugh.

"Whatever, you know." I looked out at the sprinting trees and concrete, before turning my head back at him again. I was all ready for an unnecessary argument. "You're just jealous that I've got better friends."

"Yeah right, as if that's anything true." Damien laughed to himself. "By the way, what happened to your maths, huh? That Derek got away with it. I hate that jerk. We were all rooting for you."

"Rooting for me?" I asked, confused as ever. That was something new, a shock.

"We do bets with the Fanning Army about who will stand first for this subject and that subject. We always used to win, you know...until you must've screwed a minus with a plus," he joked, but it was no joke to me. And I could hardly take it anymore.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you and your friends." Trying to contain myself and the blood boiling in my veins, I looked down at my feet.

"Anyway, Kevin is getting fatter day by day because of all the bet money he wins." He leaned in to dramatize the conversation. "We can't afford anymore pizzas for him."

While Damien laughed at his own joke, I made an attempt to change the topic which turned out to be an epic fail as well. "How did your exam go?"

"I've got the lowest, I assume." He curved the corner of his lips. and threw back his head back in a laughter. "Maybe you could tutor me. Jason has already taken his flight. We were on the same stair when we had started, but now he's doing it like it was never tough for him."

"That is so true," I said and felt a smile quirk up my face.

"You're not really that bad to talk to, you know," he said out of nowhere. "We thought you to be uh, sorry, rude and plastered with attitude. But you're quite okay."

I had absolutely no idea on how to react to what he just said, so the safest bet for me was to answer it with an "okay".

"But I was serious, you should help me with my subjects or I'll never stop seeing the face of that old and grumpy building."

With the gloom back to my heart, I said softly, with a rather harsh contemplation buzzing inside me. "You should reconsider your help. I'm not the one you need."

"Yeah right, modesty!" He threw his hands up in air, exhaling out a deep breath of air.

"No." I looked straight into Damien's bright blue eyes and continued with resolution. There was no thought running through my brain, and whatever that made way out of my lips was just something out of sheer impulse. "I flunked."

The bus screeched to a stop as if on cue and I stood up to swiftly slip past Damien, not giving him the chance to respond. I was thankful, or his reaction would be another one on the list of the people who had come to know about my failure.

Just as soon as I descended down the stairs of the bus and its engine roared up for a start, a head popped out of the window.

It was Damien, with his ear-to-ear grin still on.

"I don't think I'm going to reconsider anything anytime soon. See you around," he screamed and his hand came about, waving in air.

I had had enough, and to put up the most annoyed expression I owned did not require much effort. But even that faded away as his face did with the bus running forward, until all that was left was a bright red spot at some distance.